Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
“Ready?” Trevor asks as he slings his backpack over his shoulder.
I grab my hoodie from the back of a chair and glance at Trevor in my living room. He’s only been here a few minutes, just long enough for us to meet up so we can walk to the beach and watch the sunset. But as my eyes land on him, and the evening light filters through the windows to cast him in a warm glow, I pause.
The anxiety that had been brewing all day at the thought of him being in my space… just melts away. When we were texting after breakfast at my parents’ this morning, I was excited to see him this evening. But as the day wore on and our plans got closer, my nerves started to rise. Now, though, watching him look over some of my framed photos of wildlife on my walls, a strange calm settles over me.
I don’t like having people in my home… in my space.
But I like having him here.
Then, suddenly, a thought pops into my head to interrupt this unexpected sense of peace. “Is Neville at home? ”
Trevor turns to me with a smile. “He is. He was happily digging through one of his puzzles for his food when I left. Then he’ll probably nap for a bit until it’s go time again.”
I nod as my gaze drifts out the window behind him. “You can bring him next time,” I say, my words catching me off guard just as much as they seem to catch Trevor.
When I shift my gaze back to him, his eyebrows are raised, and he glances around my living room. “You’ve seen the mess he can make…” he says slowly.
I follow his gaze over my perfectly aligned books, each set exactly a quarter inch from the front of their shelves, the pillows on the couch that are arranged just so, and my plants that are sitting perfectly near the window to capture the maximum amount of light. My house is the only place where I have complete control. It’s mine, and only mine. No one else has any say here, to tell me what to do, what’s normal, and if I’m being weird. I can be completely myself… and that’s why I don’t let anyone in here.
But as I picture both Trevor and Neville here, I’m surprised once again that I like the idea of it.
“That’s ok,” I say simply, my words reflecting the quiet confidence I feel inside.
Trevor smiles and steps forward, lifting his hand to the side of my face. My heart thumps harder as the gap between us disappears, and suddenly, he’s everywhere. He’s not only in my house, he’s flowing through me as my body lights up with his touch. And when his lips meet mine, I take him in completely, letting him fill every part of me. It’s an overwhelming sense of release and comfort, like taking a deep breath I didn’t know I needed. And even with him so close, it doesn’t feel like enough.
When he pulls back, he smiles gently. “Almost sunset time.”
I nod, unable to do much else but stare into his eyes and linger here just a moment longer with him.
But then we step out of my house into the evening summer breeze, which is just beginning to cool as the sun sinks lower in the sky. Our footsteps are soft on the hard-packed gravel of the road, and the quiet lapping of waves against the rocks guide us towards the small sandy and rocky beach at the end of the road. It’s the same path I take every morning when I work from home or have no weekend plans, except today I’m walking with a setting sun instead of a rising sun. And I can’t take my eyes off the sky over the water as it starts to shift, and the bright blue of the day melts into a hazy gold as streaks of red and pink bloom across the horizon.
And something else that’s different about this walk… is Trevor being here with me.
My thoughts drift to the conversation I had with my parents this morning, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “What do we do next?”
Trevor turns his head to look at me with his forehead scrunched.
Shit. That wasn’t the right thing to say.
My cheeks flush, and I drop my gaze to the ground as we walk. “I mean, um…” I shove my hands into my hoodie pocket as I try to sort my thoughts out enough for this to make sense. It’s too warm to be wearing a hoodie, but I’m glad I have it on now so I can sink into it and hide away as best I can. “My parents said they would like to meet you, but… is that what we do? I’m your Firefox, and I like that, but… what do we do next? I met your friends but I don’t have friends, so you can’t meet them. If you meet my parents, do I meet your family? I only have my parents, but you have a big family, and I don’t know…” I trail off and swallow hard, looking out at the water. “I don’t know. ”
Trevor’s hand slips into my hoodie pocket, and he takes mine in his with a gentle squeeze.
When I turn to look at him, he’s wearing that lopsided smile that always seems to bring a sense of order to the chaos inside me.
“We can do whatever we want.” He squeezes my hand again. “There’s no right or wrong way to do this.”
But the uncertainty is still bubbling under the surface. “But…” I hesitate as the pressure inside me builds at the unsettling feeling of the unknown, with no predictability or structure. “But what’s next… ” Frustration is now sinking its claws into me as I search for the right words to explain what it is I’m feeling and thinking. But I don’t know how to voice it, because I barely know how to make sense of it myself.
As we arrive at the beach, Trevor stops and turns to face me. He reaches out to take my hands out of my pocket and squeezes them both, hard.
“You need to know what’s going to happen, and when,” he says, and not as a question, but a statement.
And I can’t help the small smile that pulls at the corner of my lips despite the anxiety rolling through me, because he understands. But then, embarrassment flares up, and I drop my gaze to our joined hands. “Yeah… but I know I can’t always know that. Sorry?—”
“Don’t.” Trevor squeezes my hands harder, and I flick my gaze up to him. His eyes roam my face as he seems to get lost to a thought for a moment. “I’m new to this too, you know…” he says thoughtfully. “Being in a relationship.”
My eyes widen as I stare back at him. That can’t be true…
“It’s true,” he says with a small smirk, like he’s reading my mind. “I have been in relationships, but… not one that feels as real as this. And I know it’s only been a couple weeks, but it ju st feels right, and,” he shrugs his shoulders a bit, “that’s a new feeling for me. So, I also don’t know what the right steps are, and when to do what.” He looks down at our hands, then back up at me with his amber eyes glowing in the fading light, and the corner of them crinkle with a smile. “But wild creatures follow their instincts, and don’t live by anyone else’s rules except their own.”
A smile spreads across my face. “Stay wild.”
“Stay wild,” he echoes, and leans in to press a soft kiss to my lips before leading me onto the beach.
We find a sandy spot among the rocks, and Trevor unzips his backpack to pull out two beer, and hands me one. I take it with a smile, and we sit down in the sand, side by side, to watch the sun slowly sink lower as it paints the sky with brilliant hues of red, pink, and orange. The calls of distant seagulls and the gentle lapping of waves against the shore provide the perfect soundtrack to the scene before us, as I watch the colours reflecting on the water shift and shimmer, and night slowly starts to fall over us.
“And, about meeting families,” Trevor says gently, but I keep my eyes out over the water and grip my beer can tighter.
He presses his knee against mine, and I glance at him from the corner of my eye, waiting.
“I’d love to meet your parents,” he says with a smile, and I can’t ignore the way my heart seems to leap at those words.
“I’d like that,” I say quietly. “They’re important to me…”
“I can tell.” Trevor watches me for a moment. “And meeting them doesn’t mean we have to rush into anything else. My family is big and overwhelming. I know… trust me,” he chuckles, “I know. I don’t even see them all together too often. So, whenever it feels right, we can start with just my parents. No rush. ”
“You have four,” I point out. “All of them?”
The corner of his lips tilt up. “How about my dad and stepmom to start?”
I nod, some of the tension in my body fading away as a part of the unknown has been replaced with something tangible. “Ok.”
We turn back to the water, watching the sun sink lower to the water’s edge. And as we do, a hum builds deep in my chest. I release it as I gently rock back and forth, the leftover pressure and energy flowing out with it so that I’m left feeling lighter, and the vibration and movement clears the uncomfortable static that swirls inside me. It’s what I do here, when I come to this beach. I let go of everything that has built up when I’m anxious, scared, and uncomfortable, and take this time for me.
But I’m not here alone.
When my leg brushes against Trevor’s, I stop. I stare at the water for a moment, completely still, until I slowly turn my head to look at him.
His eyes are soft as he watches me. “Does it feel good?” he asks gently.
I turn back to the water and adjust my seat in the sand as tension creeps back in.
I don’t do that in front of people.
Why did I do that…
“No,” Trevor says. “You don’t have to hide.”
My gaze slides back to him as he just quietly and patiently sits beside me, waiting, and giving me space to sort out my thoughts. And I don’t see any judgement in him, at all.
I nod slowly, letting my gaze drift back to the water. “It feels better than good,” I say, watching the gentle waves lap the shore in a rhythm only nature understands, and one I wish I was in on. “It’s like I have a constant pressure inside me. And I need to release it before everything explodes. When I let it out… all that pressure that has built up just flows away, and it feels… like relief. And like I can breathe again.” I pause for a moment, trying to find the right words to describe what it feels like. “When I can’t, and when I have to hold it in, it’s like a buzzing under my skin. A constant current running through my body that I can’t turn off.”
“When can’t you?” Trevor asks softly.
I quickly glance at him. “Any time I’m around people.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I take a drink of my beer so I can feel the cool fizz on my tongue, and give myself a distraction from the uncomfortable lingering feeling after stimming in front of him.
I don’t do that in front of people…
“It’s weird,” I say, staring down at the beer can in my hands.
“No, it’s not,” Trevor replies firmly.
But I just nod. “It’s why I come here so often.” My gaze sweeps across the quiet stretch of beach. It’s a small, tucked-away place that only the few locals on this road seem to know about. “I can hum, rock… do whatever I need to do without people staring, laughing, or telling me not to.”
“Who tells you not to?” Trevor asks, setting his beer down in the sand like he’s going to get up right now and find them.
“No one now.” I shake my head as I look at him again, and he watches me with a furrowed brow. “But I heard it a lot in school.”
He takes a deep breath in and slowly lets it out. Then he reaches out and threads his fingers through mine. “Never hide yourself around me.”
The setting sun bathes his face in a golden glow, and the honey in his eyes is warm and bright. I can’t look away from them as I process his words to me, and feel the weight of the meaning behind them. And even now, as I look into his eyes… the discomfort, and the urge to run isn’t here. Instead, I find myself falling deeper into his stare instead of turning away.
“I keep thinking about icebergs…” Trevor says slowly, then laughs when I arch an eyebrow at him in confusion. “Hear me out,” he says, turning slightly to face me. “We only see a small part of the iceberg above the surface, and most of it is hidden underwater. It’s like how we only show certain parts of ourselves to the world, or to certain people… but there’s so much more under the surface.”
I nod, shifting to face him as well as my mind latches onto the image of an iceberg floating in the water. “Icebergs look white because of the tiny air bubbles and the crystal edges in the compressed snow on their surface, which equally reflect all the wavelengths of visible light.”
Trevor nods slowly as his lips curve into a small smile.
“But underwater, the air bubbles are squeezed out, so the ice is dense and compressed. When it flips, and the part of the iceberg below the surface of the water is now above the water and light penetrates it, it absorbs long wavelengths of colour like red and yellow, and reflects shorter wavelengths like green and blue. That’s why the iceberg looks blue, or even sometimes green, when they flip.”
Trevor’s smile breaks free, and his eyes sparkle. “When the Firefox runs across the snow, its tail sends sparks into the night sky, creating the Northern Lights…”
“And icebergs… They hide their true colours until they choose to show us what’s underneath the surface.” I squeeze his hand tighter. “I like your colours.”
Trevor leans in and brushes his lips over mine. “I like your colours too, Firefox.”
Our lips meet, and I sink into his kiss, and into him. Every time I show him another part of me, something I’ve kept hidden from the world, he pulls me closer instead of pushing me away.
And I’m doing the same with him. I brought him to this place— my place—where I come to get away from everything and everyone. But now he’s here too, and I don’t want to leave. I just want to stay here with him all night, until the sun goes to sleep, and the stars wake up above us.