Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
I click on the next photo of the Steller’s Sea-Eagle, smiling as I gaze at my favourite shot. The eagle is so stoic looking with its sharp gaze fixed somewhere beyond the horizon, and I can almost feel the thrill of that moment all over again. Although… the one where its wings are stretched wide, just before launching from the branch, is also a really good one… And the one where it seems to be looking directly into the camera, like it’s locking its eyes with mine.
I love them all.
My smile grows as I import the photo into my editing software, and start making careful adjustments to the white balance, sharpening the details, and removing the tiny branch hovering just above the tip of its left wing. A shiver of excitement runs down my spine, because I still can’t even believe this really happened. I was worried we wouldn’t even see the eagle, let alone have the chance to capture it so perfectly. I can’t wait to show these to my parents when they’re back from Nova Scotia. I already sent a photo to Mike, and he was so excited he asked if he could print it out for his office.
Once I finish edits on this image, I eagerly move on to the next—an expansive shot of the eagle perched high above, gazing down at the Puffins flying over the waves by the rocky island. I can’t even decide which ones to put up for sale on my site, or which to keep for myself. I want to keep them all, but I know I shouldn’t. This is a rare sighting in Newfoundland, and I know shots with the Puffins will sell fast.
But the side profile photo is mine.
I completely lose track of time as I immerse myself in the photos, and the afternoon slips by. My smile never fades as I move from one photo to the next. But I pause as the next image appears.
Trevor.
The photo is perfect. He stands in the water, facing away from the camera with droplets glistening on his bare shoulders as his hands graze the surface like he’s touching glass. His face is turned upwards to the faint stars emerging in the dimming sky, and the soft glow of the fire bathes him in warm light that gradually cools as it fades outward. It looks like the warmth is radiating from him, fading into the night sky.
I move it into the folder where I keep the photos I’ve taken of him. But instead of editing it, I just sit here, staring at the screen and thinking about how perfect the weekend was. I didn’t really know what to expect from camping with him, since I’ve never camped with anyone before. But it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And now, I don’t want to go anywhere without him. I want to do it all again, and again, and again.
And tonight, I’m meeting his parents. Not all of them… just his stepmom and dad.
Anxiety churns in my stomach, rising to the surface in a swell I can’t control. I’ve been so lost in editing that I haven’t even thought about tonight .
Wait.
Am I supposed to bring flowers? Should I go buy some? Where do I get them? Do I stop at a store on the way to Trevor’s? Will the store have them? But what kind of flowers do I get? Does someone there help me or do I get them on my own?
A tingling sensation starts in my hands and crawls up my arms, and my heart starts racing.
I push back from my chair and start pacing the room, shaking my hands out at my sides as the anxious energy courses through me.
What do I do?
I can’t call Mom. They’re on a whale-watching tour right now. And Trevor is working in the field.
My eyes squeeze shut and I inhale deeply. I picture Trevor’s house, where I’m going tonight. Neville will be there, and the bird. It’s where I’ve always felt safe.
I can do this.
I stop pacing and when I open my eyes, they land on Trevor’s photo on the computer screen. My eyes trace the lines of his body, taking in the soft glow of the firelight on his skin, and I think of how peaceful I felt with him this weekend.
Just hang on to that…
But then a notification flashes in the corner of the screen.
Email Notification:
From: Newfound Tours
Subject: Updated offer
Preview: Hello Arthur, It was great to speak with you again. As requested, I am passing along an updated offer that reflects…
My stomach clenches, and I freeze, staring at the notification until it disappears.
I told her no. I told her I can’t.
I thought this was done. Why is this still happening?
Thoughts start churning in my head as a fuzzy feeling takes over my whole body, like I’m made of static and I can’t even hear my own thoughts through it all. I can’t even move my body as I stand here, staring at the spot where the notification was.
How do I make this stop? I just want it to stop.
I haven’t even opened the first email, and now there’s another one. I don’t care what they’re offering, I already told them I’m going to Labrador in October . I told them no .
My body moves on its own as my hands lift to my hair, pulling hard enough that it stings. The pain cuts through the buzzing in my body, just enough so I start pacing again and I hum so forcefully it hurts my throat.
This isn’t my plan. I made a plan.
They won’t leave me alone.
I need them to leave me alone.
I told them no.
I told them no .
Tears well in my eyes, blurring my vision as I drop to my knees. A frustrated cry bursts from me as all the pressure that’s been building under the surface for so long finally spills over. Every phone call from them when they were supposed to email, the short deadline they originally came to me with, the way they just keep ignoring me… it all comes crashing down.
I lean forward until my forehead touches the floor, and the tears continue to flow. Even the fabric of my shirt against my skin is too much as everything presses down on me. I just want to disappear, and find a place where nothing can reach me.
I need Trevor.
I push myself up and stare at the computer screen, blinking through the tears as Trevor’s photo stares back at me. I don’t know how long I sit here, but eventually the tears slow and I wipe my eyes.
He’s always been there for me. And now I want to be there for him. He’s excited about tonight… for me to meet his parents.
I don’t want to let him down.
The anxiety swirls again, mingling with frustration and sadness, overwhelming to the point where I can’t untangle what I’m feeling.
But I need to be strong.
I need to be able to do this.
I need him .