Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
My feet continue to pace my living room floor, like a ceaseless motion that does nothing to untangle the whirlwind inside my mind. My hands twist together, turning my knuckles white as I wrestle with the relentless thoughts flooding in, one after the other. I should have done better. I should have been on time for dinner tonight, able to get to Trevor’s by 5:30, and I should have brought flowers, and smiled at his parents. I should have been able to talk to them. I should have been able to deal with the disruption to the night, and laugh and talk like everyone else.
But I didn’t. I let everything get in the way of what I should have been able to do. I let the Labrador client, the noise, and the demands all get to me, to a point I can’t even function.
It always gets to me. No matter how hard I try to stop it, I can’t. It always comes for me.
I wanted to meet his parents. I want to meet his family… I want to do what everyone else can do with such ease.
I didn’t even bring flowers.
The thoughts all burn into my brain and sink deep into my chest, like a heavy weight trying desperately to drag me down. My fingers twist tighter, and I wince at the pain. But I keep going. Pacing, back and forth, as the weight becomes heavier.
I let Trevor down. Again.
It’s probably over now… because he’ll realize I’m just going to drag him down and continue to embarrass him in front of everyone he loves.
I should have been there for him.
A knock sounds at the door, and my head whips up as my breath catches. My entire body stills, and I stare at the door as the world seems to narrow, tunnelling into that single point… and I don’t know what to do.
But the knock comes again. My heart hammers as I slowly step towards it, and when I pull it open, Trevor stands on the other side.
His eyes roam over my face, and he releases a breath. “Can I come in?”
I nod and step aside, my hands immediately twisting together again as the door clicks shut, and my chest tightens.
Trevor moves to the living room, turning to stand in the middle of the floor where I was just pacing, and watches me with soft eyes. “Arthur… what’s going on?”
My eyes drop to his feet as I squeeze my fingers again. “It was loud…”
“I know,” he says gently. “But there’s something else.”
I chew my lip and nod slowly, my gaze flicking to my computer as I try to organize the chaotic mess in my head into something that makes sense. But it doesn’t. It’s all jumbled, and I don’t even know where to begin.
He follows my gaze to the computer. “Something with work?” he asks.
I nod, keeping my eyes on my computer as my heart beats faster, my fingers tremble, and I work on building the courage to relive this all again so I can explain it to him.
“A client wants me to go to Labrador,” I finally manage, the words feeling too small to explain how suffocated I feel by that request.
He nods slowly. “Ok.”
“In August,” I say tightly. “I don’t go there in August.”
I quickly glance at him as he watches me for a moment with his brows drawn together.
“Can you tell them no?” he asks.
“I did.” The frustration that has been building with each of their phone calls and emails flows out in my words before I’m able to stop it. “I told them I’m already going in October but they want me to come in August and they keep asking and they keep making offers and they won’t listen to me.” Heat rises under my skin, like an intense pressure demanding release, and I let out a sharp breath. I drop my eyes to the floor as I forcefully shake my hands out at my sides in an attempt to loosen the intense hold this has on me.
Trevor stays quiet for a moment, then takes a step closer. “Oh,” he says softly. “Plans changing…”
I nod, keeping my gaze fixed on the floor.
“When did this all start?” he asks gently.
“They were a client before I met you.” I shift my gaze to the window, although it’s almost dark now, so I can’t even see anything outside. “But they kept calling me and not emailing me like they’re supposed to, and they keep sending me more offers after I tell them no, and I said I can’t, but they still send them, and sent another one today…”
“Hm,” Trevor hums thoughtfully. “Sounds like they really want you, and are trying to find a way to make it work.”
My entire body tenses, and I quickly flick my gaze back to him. “I told them no.”
He nods slowly. “Yeah, I know.” He hesitates as his forehead creases slightly, like he’s trying to find the right words. “I just… I wonder if it’s not that they're ignoring you, but that they're hearing your ‘no’ and doing what they can to make you want to say yes.”
“I don’t want to say yes,” I blurt out, emotion quickly rising until it catches in my throat. The frustration is overwhelming, and I just want to cry because I don’t know what to say to make him understand. “They keep offering premium pay, travel, accommodations, everything to get me to go in August, but I’m already going in October .”
His eyebrows lift, and something flickers in his eyes. “Wow.”
I drop my gaze again and squeeze my eyes shut as a heavy sigh escapes me. “You don’t get it…” I mumble.
“No, I do,” he says quickly, stepping closer. “I know you’ve already planned your summer, and this would throw everything off. I get it, and I know how hard that is for you.” He pauses, and I can hear the hesitation in his voice as he continues. “It’s just… Well, to me, it sounds like a really good opportunity to work with a high-profile client. Maybe… it’s worth considering?”
I keep my gaze locked on the floor as those words slowly make their way in and mingle with everything else inside me.
I should be able to do it. He would be able to. He’s spontaneous, adventurous, always up for anything…
I’m not. And I wish I was.
Maybe he wishes I was too. And maybe, someday, his patience will run out, and he’ll realize I’m holding both myself, and him, back.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Trevor asks quietly.
I shrug lightly. “I thought it was done. ”
But as I look up at him again, I see questions swirling in his eyes.
“It just…” I sigh, looking out the window again so I have something to focus on. “It just all built up… I told them no, thought it was over, and then it happened again. They call, and it starts a buzz in the back of my head. And it grows louder every time they call and email, until it’s drowning everything else out, and is so big I can’t even tell where it’s coming from. Then everything just feels like it’s too much, and the buzzing is demanding all my attention, and everything seems impossible, and I just want it to stop because everything is firing all at once and I don’t know what to listen to…” I blow out a sharp breath and look back at him again. “I didn’t even know.”
His eyes soften and he gently shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Firefox.”
Firefox.
Tears well in my eyes as I remember when he gave me that nickname. After I met his friends for the first time, and I thought I failed him and that everything was going to fall apart. But he saw something else in me. He saw fire hidden in the shadows.
But right now… it just feels dark.
“I know today was a lot,” Trevor continues. “I could have helped… I should have helped.”
My stomach twists as guilt settles inside me. He always needs to help me. He’s always here for me… and I’m never there for him.
And I can’t help but wonder if this is really the life he wants. Everything about him is just so… full. His family, his work, his friends… and he’s slowed it all down since he met me. Because I can’t handle it.
“You always need to hold my hand,” I say quietly.
“I always want to hold your hand,” he says, his voice a bit firmer.
A thick and heavy silence stretches between us, as I struggle to find the words to express what I’m feeling. My head is swirling, and it feels like I’m quickly losing connection to myself. Like I’m too close to the board to read what’s on it, and I can’t make sense of anything.
I lift my hand to my head and let out a frustrated noise, wishing I could just do this.
“What are you trying to say…?” Trevor asks carefully.
“I don’t know,” I murmur.
“Do you not want to be with me?”
My heart lurches as I quickly drop my hand and shake my head. “I do. More than anything.”
He nods slowly, and releases a breath that sounds like relief. “Then… what’s the problem?”
I don’t even know.
My entire body is fuzzy, filled with a static so loud I can barely hear my own thoughts. I know they’re there, underneath it all, but I can’t find them. I can’t find the words I want to share with him…
Safe.
Happy.
Overwhelmed.
Sad.
Stay.
Help.
My hands lift to my hair, and I squeeze my eyes shut, pulling at it as I hum forcefully and try to force the swirling to stop and just make sense . It’s all too much, and everything is shutting down.
“Arthur.” Trevor’s voice is closer now, but I can’t open my eyes.
I step back automatically, but I can feel my mind fighting with my body to go to him. But I can’t… I can’t take anything else in. I just need to breathe…
I hold my head tight as I breathe deeply, trying to force the static away enough that I can open my eyes and look at him.
And when I do… I see hurt written all over his face.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, the tears in my eyes blurring his beautiful face. “I don’t want you to leave me.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not.” He sniffs. “I don’t want you to leave me either.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. “I’m not.”
Trevor draws a deep breath in. “Good,” he says quietly.
Silence falls over us again, and all I can hear is my pulse in my ears, and my soft sniffs as I try to keep the rest of my tears in.
“I can’t go to the wedding this weekend,” I say, shifting my eyes to the wall behind him and locking on to a photo of a whale emerging from the water.
I can’t look at him… because I know this hurts him. And if I see the hurt in his eyes again, I won’t be able to hold my tears back any longer.
“I can help you,” Trevor says hesitantly, his voice tight with concern.
“I can’t.” My voice cracks as I keep staring at the whale, wishing I could give him so much more. He deserves so much more from me…
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod.
He doesn’t push. He never pushes.
“What do you need right now?” he asks, sadness lacing his voice.
I need him. It’s an ache in my chest that has me silently begging him to hold me, squeeze my hands, kiss me, and remind me that everything will be ok. But I’m frozen. It’s like I’m screaming on the inside for his touch, but I can’t bring myself to reach out. I’m trapped in my own skin, and even the sensation of my clothes on my body, the light from the lamp, and the hum from the refrigerator is overwhelming me. I’m stuck in this space between need and avoidance, as my entire system slowly shuts down, and I try desperately to push myself towards him. But it’s not working.
“I need some time alone,” I whisper, barely able to hear my own voice.
It may be what I need… but it’s not what I want.
Trevor is quiet for a moment before he gives me a small nod. “Ok.”
He slowly heads towards the door, and I watch him every step of the way, hating everything about this moment and wishing all the pressure would just lift, and I could run into his arms.
“Just…” Trevor hesitates at the door and glances back at me. “I need you, Firefox. I’m here when you’re ready.”
He then slips out the door, closing it softly behind him.
“I need you too,” I whisper.