Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I ’d be more composed if someone had brought an actual metal club down over my skull.
The words send a reverberation of emotion through me—fear, confusion, resistance. It shatters through my body, rattling my bones, weakening my muscles, weighing me down like shackles at my ankles and a collar around my throat.
I can’t entirely process Siegrid’s words, at first.
Strategos Alpha.
And she’s looking directly at me, her severe expression unchanging. If she’s waiting for me to fight through this mire of shock, she’ll be waiting a long, long while.
The room starts to tilt around me. If it keeps on like this, I’ll start to slip, to fall. I’m being told I’m meant to lead an entire pack? I…
Anassa moves closer to me and I put my hand up on her silver-white fur, using her form to steady myself. Gazing upward, I look into her yellow eyes. Suddenly, it’s like another wall has flown open in my consciousness, one that I didn’t even know was there. A vast library flows through it—ancient knowledge passed through the direwolves, given only to the leaders of each pack.
My knees start to shake. I can’t even breathe under the crushing weight of it all.
Anassa’s carefully maintained distance has disappeared. Either she’s chosen to fully forgive me for the other night… or she has no choice, now that we’re an alpha pair.
“There must…” I swallow, trying to pick my own words out of the chaos. “There must be some mistake,” I finally manage. The shivering echo of my voice sounds small even to my own ears. Pleading, almost. “I’m just a Rawbond. I don’t even come from a Bonded family, and I barely know how to?—”
Siegrid’s hand cuts through the air like the swipe of a claw. “Enough.”
Cold sweat causes my shirt to cling to my back beneath my jacket as I stare at her like a woman awaiting her sentencing.
Siegrid lowers her hand, resting it calmly on the table. “Do you accuse the direwolves of making a mistake in choosing their leaders?” The danger in her voice is evident, but the sound of her massive wolf’s low, warning growl drives her point home.
There will be no resistance.
“This is not a debate, girl. The wolves have convened, they have chosen, and Anassa will lead Strategos. Which means you, as her rider, will serve as Strategos Alpha.” Siegrid’s voice is frigid with finality.
I resist the urge to hold myself, to dig my nails painfully into my palms, to turn and run all the way back to the Eastern Quarter.
Instead, I reach for Anassa, hoping for comfort. Some wisdom or encouragement, perhaps, considering she’s the one who’s truly been chosen here. Instead, I’m plunged back into that endless ocean of suffocating knowledge. It presses on my mind like waves against a shore, threatening to drag me out to sea and drown me.
Siegrid continues to stare. I can feel the steady eyes of the other Bonded soldiers on me. Siegrid’s wolf lowers its head, gaze violating.
And I stand here, not even entirely certain as to what an alpha is meant to do.
What does this mean for me, truly? I’ve been so focused on surviving and finding Saela that I’ve barely had any energy left to understand the nuance of pack politics.
I tighten my hands into fists and square my shoulders. “Why me? Why us?” My voice carries more steadily this time.
Siegrid’s expression shifts away from that unfeeling, authoritative intensity. It’s replaced by something bordering on pity. “The wolves see things that humans cannot. They know what’s coming. And for whatever reason,” she says, “they believe you—and Anassa together—are what Strategos needs.”
The massive doors behind me burst open with a crack, the knockers rattling against wood. Egith strides past a breathless messenger. She’s somewhat scattered herself, but she drops into a formal bow before Siegrid seamlessly.
Or she would have, if she hadn’t frozen mid-motion the moment she saw me. Egith’s sharp eyes dart between me, Siegrid, and our wolves, analyzing the palpable tension in the space between us.
“Rise, Beta Egith,” Siegrid commands. “We have much to discuss.”
Watching Siegrid explain the wolves’ decision to Egith is like sitting back and letting someone wrap a noose around my throat. I watch her expression tighten with every word, pinches of barely suppressed emotion breaking through her stony front with the words “alpha” and “final.”
It’s shock, initially. Then disbelief, with an incredulous look thrown in my direction. Then something harder to parse in its nuance. But despondent would be a very charitable word for it.
She’s heartbroken that she’s been passed over for the likes of me.
A Rawbond who begged to be let free at the beginning of the Trials. A pack member who recently shut out her direwolf and packmates during a moment of crisis. A ladder-climber sleeping with a royal.
And a commoner, at that.
“May I speak freely?” Egith says. Her entire body looks like it’s made of stone. She’s eerily still. Calm before the storm , I think to myself.
Siegrid nods, and I prepare myself for a verbal evisceration. And maybe a physical one, right after.
“This is unprecedented,” Egith says. She does not raise her voice. She addresses Siegrid directly, gaze unflinching. “The pack is already destabilized by Alpha Markos’s death. To put an untrained Rawbond in charge now, when we’re so crucial to the war effort?—”
“The wolves have chosen,” Siegrid interrupts.
Egith doesn’t flinch. She only bows her head.
“Though you do raise a valid point about the war,” Siegrid continues. “I’m not sure how we’re going to have this… neophyte… leading Strategos at the front when she hasn’t even passed her Trials and graduated.” Her terrifying gaze returns to me, and tension knots up my shoulders. “Well, Alpha . What do you propose?”
It’s like I’ve suddenly had a sword shoved in my hand, a blinding light shone in my eyes, and been told to parry the blade coming for my throat.
But Anassa finally grants me a handhold to steady myself. “Let Egith lead for now.”
I take a deep breath and raise my defenses. She’s absolutely right.
“Egith should take command at the front,” I tell them both. “She possesses crucial knowledge of the forces there, understands the strategy, and has earned the pack’s respect.” I meet Egith’s gaze and find her eyes wide, her lips parted in surprise. “I may not understand why I’m Alpha, but I’m not stupid. I don’t know enough yet to lead our forces in battle. But you do.”
Something shifts in Egith’s expression. When the surprise passes, her punishing distress doesn’t return at full force.
After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Siegrid speaks. “A wise choice. You can remain here to finish your training. You will also need to spare time and energy to learn how to lead your pack as Alpha.”
I nod; all that I’m really capable of at this moment. Her subtext is clear—I’m not fit to be in my position, not yet. Well, we’re agreed on that.
Siegrid crosses her powerful arms. “You cannot remain ignorant of battle strategy for long, and you will need to take over responsibilities as soon as possible. Even with Egith’s aid, your pack will be weakened so long as it stands without a proper Alpha.”
I bow just the way Egith did when she arrived. “I understand.”
“Your position, Egith?” Siegrid says.
“Perhaps one of the Strategos gammas might be recalled to take over my role as instructor,” Egith says. “We will need to discuss the current training regimen, however. Revise it for these… setbacks.”
“Agreed,” Siegrid says, then inclines her head only slightly. “You are dismissed.”
I stand there numbly for a moment until I realize she’s addressing both of us. Then I turn on my heel quickly, shaky and weak as Anassa and I follow Egith from the room.
When the doors thud shut behind us, I manage a quiet, “What now?”
Egith looks at me and takes a deep, weary breath. “You must tell the other Rawbonds.”
Right .
On the way back to the Rawbond quarters, I pause in the halls. “Go on without me,” I tell Egith. “Gather everyone in the anteroom, I’ll be there in just a minute.”
Her lips purse—it’s weird for both of us, me giving her orders—but she nods and leaves. Then, I turn to Anassa.
The powerful giant has stilled at my side.
“Congratulations,” I tell her, weary. It’s been so long since she’s had a real conversation with me, and the silence has worn me down. Hopefully this will mark the end of the shut-out. “Is that what I should be saying? Do I congratulate you for being chosen to lead our pack?”
She inclines her head to the side, studying me with those ochre eyes. “It is not just me who was chosen. The other direwolves chose us as a pair. A direwolf’s individual ability is meaningful but even the strongest among us is weak without a paired rider to guide our powers.”
A disbelieving laugh escapes me. Anassa huffs in irritation when she hears it, her lips pulled back from her long fangs.
“You were born to lead, girl. Whether or not you believe that is of no consequence anymore. You must, so you will.”
Well, that’s pretty clear. I still cannot fully fathom that this is happening, but I guess it doesn’t matter if I want to accept this. It’s done.
I’ve been in that position so many times in my life, now. My father’s death. My mother’s illness. My sister’s kidnapping. The absolutely delightful surprise of the Bonding Trials.
I must, so I will.
With that, Anassa turns tail and trots off back toward the wolf terraces.
“Hey,” I mentally shout at her as she goes. “I’m sorry. For shutting you out so thoroughly. It won’t ever happen again.”
“I know,” she calls.
By the time I reach the Strategos common area, I’m resolute. Did I waver and once more consider bolting? Pretending none of this happened? Did I imagine myself a thousand leagues away, holed up in a cabin somewhere with Killian?
Yes, obviously. But I’m here. I’ve been chosen. I have to do this.
My heart beats against my ribs like a fist as I enter the Strategos anteroom.
As promised, Egith has gathered the other nineteen Strategos Rawbonds, and they’re packed onto the couches and the floor. The room is quiet and everyone stares at me when I enter—some with clear irritation, still mad at me for my disappearing act.
Tomison raises his eyebrows and Izabel mouths, “Are you okay?”
Am I ever? I shut the door behind me and turn to face them all.
My only frame of reference for how Alphas are meant to carry themselves are Stark and Siegrid, and… well, they just do a lot of glaring, don’t they?
I settle for what I hope is an authoritative stare, making eye contact with them all as I look around the room. Then I hold my head high and speak as plainly as I can.
“I have an announcement. The direwolves have decided on a new leader. They’ve chosen Anassa. I will serve as your Alpha.”
There’s one moment of crystalized, surprised silence before everything erupts into noise. Voices overlap, emotions crashing through our pack unity like rapids crashing over jagged rock. I can only catch fragments through the tumult.
“A Rawbond ?!” Pietr shouts.
Nevah starts to laugh hysterically, doubling over so that her dark curls almost hit the floor.
Kristof looks around confused. “But Egith?—”
“She’s not even from a Bonded family,” Allegra whispers loudly, dumbfounded.
Anassa’s booming voice slams through the pack connection like a crack of thunder, our minds torn in two just the way lightning cleaves through the sky.
“ SILENCE .”
I know everyone’s heard her. This must be a new alpha power. Typically, the pack unity bond works so that we can sense emotions and touches of thought from everyone else, particularly when we’re using our group powers, but we cannot normally hear what each other’s wolves are saying.
Anassa’s ability to speak into everyone’s mind at once leaves no more room for argument.
The room instantly quiets again. Instinct has me reaching for her, looking for guidance. But she need not reach back. Her power speaks for itself, vibrating inside my skull. It gives me strength, knowing I’m bound to someone like her.
I draw myself up to my full height, Anassa’s authority crackling in my blood. I imagine it as a haze around me, light as silvery bright as her fur emanating from me like armor. I choose to be utterly, wholly honest.
“I hear your confusion and your doubt. I understand it because I felt the same. I don’t understand why I’ve been chosen. Only the wolves truly know,” I say. The Rawbonds stir, and there’s a shiver of understanding over the pack unity. “Even if you feel uncertain, they have made their decision. We must follow it. One of the very first lessons I learned here, with you, was that we have to trust the wisdom of the direwolves. You do not question it.”
There’s another stir. A few nods. A small blooming feeling, like the opening of their minds.
“I am your Alpha,” I say, projecting loudly into the room now. “You will treat me as such. Yes, like you, I am still a Rawbond. I will stay here with you to complete my training, and Beta Egith has agreed to lead Strategos at the front until I do.”
Allegra pipes up, flipping her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder. “We might not question the direwolves and their choices, but how can we trust you when you’re in a relationship with the crown prince? How can we trust that you’ll do what’s right for the Bonded and not just what’s right for the Crown?”
Of course, that’s the first question. I open my mouth to respond, but another voice stops me. A shiver of awareness streaks down my spine at the rich sound of it, coming from behind me.
“What’s right for the Crown is always what’s right for the Bonded.”
My eyes find Stark’s. He fills the doorway into our anteroom, leaning against the frame with his tattooed arms strategically displayed across his chest. I sense every eye in the room snap to him, drawn to his presence. Responding with respect and interest, clouding over my pack’s unity.
Irritation flickers through me.
Of course he’d believe that what’s right for the Crown is right for the Bonded. He’s the king’s perfect honed weapon. As the ultimate insider, destined to lead the Bonded himself one day, he can’t see how horrible the king and the nobles treat the Bonded.
Or maybe he chooses not to see it.
“The Alpha’s time is too valuable to waste on pointless questions,” he says.
Stark’s dark gaze fixes on me with the same intensity it always has, like the rest of the room doesn’t matter so long as he keeps his prey in sight. He tilts his head slightly to the side, and a lock of his dark hair falls across his brow. It’s like a tether has snapped taut between us.
“Report to my office at dawn tomorrow. Your alpha training begins.”
Without waiting for a response, he turns and vanishes through the doorway, leaving a charged silence in his wake.
Dawn tomorrow.
Fuck.