37. Alba
THIRTY-SEVEN
ALBA
Surprisingly, it took me two whole days to break down.
I took a cab home from the gala, stripped my dress off and hung it up, showered, and went to bed.
Then I got up and lived in a strange, numb twilight.
Breakfast, yoga, chores. Food had no flavor, but I chewed and swallowed anyway.
My apartment remained pristine, because I cleaned more than I ever had before.
I sat and stared out the window for an unknown amount of time, so long that my hip felt stiff when I stood, and I realized the sun had gone down.
I existed somewhere outside my body, watching myself vacuum and scrub and cook and live like nothing at all was the matter.
Then, after two days, I turned my phone on for the first time.
It wasn’t the messages from Vaughn that snapped me out of it, or the nine calls I’d missed from him. It was a single message from my only friend.
Deena
How did it go??
I read those four words, and a flood of tears burst out of me.
Collapsed on the couch that didn’t belong to me, in an apartment that wasn’t meant to be mine, I cried until my body shook, until it felt like I’d drained myself completely and I worried the swelling around my eyes would never go down again.
Finally, as my bottom lip trembled almost as much as my hands, I picked up my phone and answered.
Me
It was bad.
She didn’t answer for an hour, and I regretted even telling her that much. After all, we’d hung out a handful of times over the past couple of months. It wasn’t a deep and lasting friendship. She was entertained by my antics, but she wasn’t volunteering to be my shoulder to cry on.
I would forever be on my own. No one actually cared about me. I’d been such a fool to think that Vaughn did—that he might think highly enough of me that an attack on my character from James might not affect him.
That was the heart of my pain. I thought Vaughn saw me and respected me. I thought, finally, that I’d found a man who saw me as a real person, with flaws and desires and dreams. I thought he’d be the one to make me happy.
But he was just like the rest of them. I was useful to him, and as soon as it was inconvenient, he hurled insults at me and reminded me just how little he thought of me.
My phone buzzed, interrupting my pity party.
Deena
Oh no. You okay?
My throat tightened. I answered a single word:
Me
No.
Deena
Do you need to be alone, or do you want me to come over? What’s your address? I just need to finish one flight booking for a client and then I’m free for the rest of the day.
I typed out my instinctual response, which was that I wanted to be alone. Then I stared at the words, my thumb hovering over the little paper plane that would send the message, and I couldn’t make myself press it.
My back ached. My hip was clicking more than ever. I sat in my pristine apartment, feeling untethered and utterly alone.
Deena was reaching a hand out to me, offering her help, and it felt dangerous to accept. I’d accepted Vaughn’s advances. I’d let myself fall for him, only to realize that he didn’t feel that way about me at all. He thought I was some fake, vapid social climber. He thought I was betraying him.
And why wouldn’t he? He knew I’d spoken to James while I was engaged to Cole. He knew I’d acted wrongly, and it wasn’t a huge stretch of the imagination to think that I’d do it again.
Except—
Except it was a stretch, because my engagement to Cole hadn’t been my choice.
Not really. I’d been under my parents’ thumbs, living a life that had been prescribed for me from the moment I was born.
As long as I did what was expected of me, I could stay in the family fold.
I could live a life of luxury and privilege. But I’d been on a leash.
With Vaughn, I’d been independent. Struggling, yes, but I’d made the decision to be with him on my own. That was so much more powerful to me. It meant so much more. I was choosing him.
But he didn’t choose me back.
Except for those nine missed calls and seventeen texts you haven’t looked at , my brain reminded me.
Swallowing past the constriction in my throat, I erased my message to Deena and typed out my address. An hour later, my buzzer rang, and I let her into the building. When I opened my apartment door for her, she greeted me with arched brows, a sympathetic smile, and two bulging bags.
“I brought ice cream, chocolate, chips, hummus and pita, and half a dozen takeout flyers. I wasn’t sure if you eat your feelings with sweet or savory, so…”
I huffed out a watery laugh, and she set the bags down before wrapping me in a hug. I broke down immediately, my emotions off-kilter, my world bleak and miserable.
It took me an hour and a half to get the whole story out. Deena fed me chocolate and then ordered us some Thai food. I sat on the couch with my legs wrapped in a blanket, feeling oddly vulnerable yet happy she was here.
“I shouldn’t even be mad at him,” I said when our food arrived and I opened my container of tom yum soup. I inhaled the delicious aromas and then blew out a sigh. “He has every right to question me about James.”
Deena gave me a strange look. “What do you mean?”
“He knows what happened between me and Cole,” I explained.
“Is this more of your karmic retribution bullshit?”
“Excuse me?”
“You think you need to be punished?”
I squirmed, dipping my spoon into the soup and swirling around. “Well…yes. I had an emotional affair, Deena.”
“And Cole didn’t?”
I jerked. “Well—he—I don’t—” I snapped my mouth shut, frowning. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“He gets to have his happily-ever-after, even though he drifted away from you as soon as…what’s her name?”
“Carrie.”
Deena blinked at me, her head moving back. “Wait. Are we talking about Cole Christianson? Carrie as in Carrie Woods?”
“I don’t know her maiden name?—”
“I know Carrie!” Deena exclaimed. “I worked with Carrie! She’s amazing! You’ve been talking about Carrie and Cole this whole time?”
I forced a smile. “Oh, um—yes. That’s great that you know her—ha.
What are the chances…” Inside, I wilted.
The one friend I thought I had was loyal to someone else.
She might not believe in karma, but the pattern in my life seemed pretty consistent.
I’d gone against what I was supposed to do, and now I was suffering for it.
“And she started dating her boss…” Deena laughed. “Oh, you really don’t need to feel bad.”
I started. “What?”
“When Carrie went back to work for her old boss, she and I had lots of time to talk. I handle all his travel arrangements. She told me all about what happened at their work retreat thing. Were the two of you still together then?”
Mind reeling, I frowned. “Um. Well, that’s when we broke up?—”
“So it took your ex-fiancé about four milliseconds to jump into bed with another woman. And don’t get me wrong, they had their reasons. And I’m happy for them. And I do think Carrie is amazing. But that’s riding a fine edge of acceptability, don’t you think?”
“I—”
Deena set her food down, then took my bowl out of my hands and put it next to hers on the coffee table. Then she took my hands and squeezed them. “Your relationship with Cole wasn’t built on anything real, Alba. Not the kind of thing that can withstand the arrival of true emotion.”
That stung, even though I knew it was true. I gave her a tight smile.
Deena squeezed my hands again. “I’m not saying this to beat up on you. I’m saying it to set you free. You need to stop punishing yourself for the failure of a relationship that was never going to work in the first place. Let it go, babe.”
My bottom lip trembled. “I’m just so ashamed, Deena,” I whispered.
She sighed. “It’s messy. But life is messy. Sometimes you just gotta deal with it.”
“I wish I could go back in time and slap the phone out of my hands when I got that first message from James.”
“I wish I could do that too,” Deena answered, smiling.
“But then—would you have broken up with Cole if you hadn’t had James?
Would he have broken it off with you? Or would you two be locked in a bad marriage right now, slowly drifting apart, doing your best to keep up appearances? Maybe it all happened for a reason.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in that stuff. You said karmic retribution was bullshit.”
“I’m a complex person.” She shrugged, grinning. “I can believe whatever I like.”
A weak little laugh tumbled out of me, and I sighed. “Cole seemed happy.”
“He’s certainly forgiven himself for not being all-in on your engagement,” Deena agreed.
“If he can be happy, maybe one day I can too.”
“That’s the spirit.” Deena smiled encouragingly and picked up her food again. “Step one: forgive yourself. Step two: find a job. Step three: be free.”
“Just like that, huh.”
“Just like that.”
I drank a spoonful of soup, then glanced at the only person who was willing to sit with me and tell me she believed in me. “And Vaughn?”
“What about him?”
“What should I do? He’s called and texted me a bunch.”
Deena hummed. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
“You still love him?”
Tears prickled at my eyes. “Unfortunately, yes. But if he thinks so little of me, what’s the point?”
It had felt so good to finally confront Cole, James, and my parents at the gala. It felt like breaking chains that had been keeping me in place. I’d finally found the courage to live my life for myself. I’d thought that life would be with Vaughn by my side.
Now I wasn’t so sure.
“Sleep on it and decide tomorrow,” Deena suggested.
But tomorrow came, and I was no closer to figuring out what I wanted. My conversation with Deena rattled around my brain while I ate breakfast, and I finally pulled out my phone and tapped on Vaughn’s messages.
They ranged from apologetic to frantic. The last message simply read:
Vaughn
Please call me.
I’d received that one almost two days earlier, and nothing since.
My heart wanted Vaughn. I wanted those lazy mornings in his bed, with his arms wrapped around me. I wanted the warmth of his hugs, the tenderness of his kisses. I wanted that feeling of safety and home.
But I didn’t want to get the rug pulled out from under me again like I had with my parents, and James, and Vaughn at the gala. I didn’t want to hand him the power to hurt me again.
After my confrontation with my parents at the gala, I knew that door was fully closed now. I could never go back to them. I was on my own.
Sipping a coffee as I curled myself into my favorite corner of the couch, I glanced out the window at the blue skies and realized spring had arrived.
Soon the world would burst into life, and I’d be able to go outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.
I clambered off the couch and pushed open the window—the same one I’d poked my head through to yell down to Vaughn when he’d given me the dress—and peered through a gap in the buildings at the blue skies above.
I was on my own—but that wasn’t a bad thing. Being on my own kind of felt…wonderful, actually. Scary and dangerous and unknown. But also a little bit wonderful.
The sounds of the city rattled up toward me, and I took my spot on the couch again, grabbed my mug, and sighed.
I knew what I had to do.