Chapter Twenty
Cole
Ihold Lori through the storm of her tears and when she finally calms, she doesn’t move. For several minutes, she seems to just melt against me, but she isn’t asleep. I can feel her thinking, and I give her room to breathe, the way she did for me when I was the one dealing with my demons. I stroke her hair, and she presses her hand to her forehead and sits up. “I don’t know what that was.” She rolls away from me and grabs my shirt, pulling it around herself.
“I’ll be right back,” she says, but I catch her hand and sit up, kissing her.
“You okay?”
Her hand settles on my jaw. “After I pee I will be,” she says, offering me a tiny smile. “A girl has to go when a girl has to go.” She tries to pull away, but I catch her fingers and kiss them.
“Hurry back.”
“I will,” she whispers, the humor of moments before gone. She stands up and rushes away.
I stand up and walk into the closet and pull on a pair of pajama bottoms before I pursue Lori, finding the bathroom door shut. I inhale and remind myself to give her space, but after ten minutes, I knock. “You okay in there?”
She opens the door, her dark hair wild from my fingers, but her tears are gone, her smudged make-up with them. “Yes. I’m okay.”
I reach out and snag her fingers. “Come talk to me,” I say, walking backward until I know she’s agreed.
She nods and I lead her back to that lounge-style chair, seating us side by side, staring out at the inky skyline twinkling with a mix of stars and city lights. “I don’t know what that was,” she whispers.
“Everything,” I say. “That was everything finally happening.”
She looks over at me. “It was, wasn’t it?”
I reach over and stroke a piece of hair from her eyes. “Yes. You needed that. I want you to know that you the strongest person I know, but with me, you let down your guard. And I won’t ever betray that, I’ll never hurt you. I’m not ever going to let you down. I’m not ever going to judge you. I’m never going to think because you admit what you feel, or need me, that you are weak or a different person.”
“I don’t know if I even know how to do that. The way I’ve dealt with the hard stuff in life is just to make it go away. Charge forward. Don’t look back.”
“You mean, like me, you shove it all in a box, and then that box pops open without your permission, like mine did. Give it permission, and let’s deal with it. What are those things in your box?”
“My father. What my father did to us still eats me alive. It affected me with you at first, but you’re you. It doesn’t anymore.”
“Are you sure about that? Because after your attack, you pulled that wall back up.”
“I didn’t.”
“You did,” I say. “And that’s my fault. I had my struggles and you did what you do. You stand strong for everyone else. Let’s both try standing together to be strong.”
“We do,” she whispers. “Cole, I have never felt so complete with someone, as I do with you.”
“As I do you, Lori, but that doesn’t mean that years of fears and conditioning just go away. We have to work at this. I know I do, and I am. I told you about my mother. I haven’t told that story to anyone else.”
“I am not holding back.”
“And yet you haven’t reacted to your attack, not until tonight.”
“The attack—I just put it in that box, but I don’t remember making that decision. There were other things to face. Other things to worry about.”
“You mean me.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“It’s in the box, Lori. It’s going to come out.”
“It’s not. If I’m honest, it made me feel out of control, so I dealt with it. I shoved it aside, but I wasn’t hurt or raped or anything like that. It’s solidly buried.”
“Lori,” I begin but she leans forward and kisses me.
“If it does come back,” she says, crawling onto my lap, straddling me, her hands on my face, “I’ll tell you right away. I promise, but you have to give me room to breathe. When you’re nervous, I get nervous, too. When you hold on so tightly, I feel like I need a shield. I don’t know how we balance this out.”
“Together,” I say. “We need to talk like this. We need to do it together.”
“Together,” she whispers, and I decide I’ve cracked that wall, even if I haven’t fully lifted it, while she’s reminded me that I have to control my demons that I know are feeding hers.
I unbutton my shirt that she’s still wearing, sliding my hand up her back, molding her to me. “I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.” Our lips collide and this time we make love, passionate, gentle, but no less fierce. We kiss, we touch, we repeat and when I enter her, her body rocking with mine, I feel her right there with me, all of her. I’m going to make damn sure it stays that way.
Morning comes too early considering I want to keep Lori in bed, but after showering together, her light mood and eagerness to dive into work, hunt down a new case, and get us back into the swing of things, is contagious. We’ve stopped in a coffee shop, waiting on our order when she turns to me, her glossy pink lips inviting me to kiss them. “About that book Cat wants us to write,” she says.
Now I just want to take her home, fuck her, and make her forget that damn book and this case that has become hell. Instead, I say, “You really want to do it, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she confirms. “You say I buried my attack. Maybe you’re right, but this book about this case, our case, won’t let me. It makes me, and us, face the attack and get beyond it. I think it’s good for both of us, but I know this affects us both, so I won’t move forward if you’re wholly against it.”
I resist my need to just get her, and us, the hell away from a trial that lead us to so damn much torment, but she’s right. This keeps her, and us, from burying something in a box that will later come back and haunt us. “Do it then,” I say. “I’ll help where you need me, but you and Cat write the book.”
She gives me a beaming smile, pushes to her toes and kisses me. “I’m excited about doing this. Cat and I are good together. She brought me to you.”
“Well then,” I say, my hand molding her closer, “I owe Cat a thank you I haven’t given her.”
We arrive at the office to find Ashley sitting at her desk, the flowers she’d received from her ex nowhere in sight.
“What happened to your flowers?” Lori asks.
“I had them delivered to a retirement community who won’t see a bastard when they look at them.”
Ouch, I think, when Lori softens her voice and leans on Ashley’s desk. “How are you?”
“I have Smith as my hot bodyguard,” she says, her voice strained. “How can I not be fine?” She glances at me. “Thank you for that by the way.”
“No thanks needed,” I say. “I’m always happy to supply my assistant with a hot bodyguard.”
That earns a tiny laugh from her and a bigger one from Lori, but everyone sobers quickly. “We’ll get answers today,” I promise.
“You have about ten prospective clients to deal with,” she says. “You don’t have time for me and this.” She holds up a file. “I put together notes on all of them.”
Lori accepts the file and glances at me. “I’ll do this.” She looks between us and then focuses on Ashley. “Then Cole can help you.” She doesn’t wait for an answer, but rather glances at me. “I’m going to my office. I’ll let you know if there’s anything important to deal with.” She takes off, and I try really damn hard not to watch her leave, but she’s in that damn pink dress that hugs her backside just right.
Forcing my attention back to Ashley, I get back on task. “I need to speak to Alexander Montgomery. Hunt him down for me, will you?”
“Alexander Montgomery? Are you working a case with him?”
“More like a business proposal and you can tell him that.” I soften my voice. “We’ll handle this,” I say, and then head to my office.
I’ve just settled behind my desk when Royce calls. “The FBI wants to talk to Ashley. I’ll sit in and host the meeting here at my office.”
“The FBI,” I repeat. “I thought this guy she was engaged to was potentially CIA?”
“They’re sharing limited facts right now, but I’ve pressed to ensure Ashley’s safety and I feel they are responsive to my pressure more than anything.”
“I’m going to need to sit in,” I say. “I don’t want her pulled down in some criminal investigation like she was in Paris.”
“Understandable,” he says. “The meeting is at six. Do you want to talk to Ashley or me?”
“I will,” I say grimly, not looking forward to this talk. “We’ll be there.” I disconnect and buzz Ashley. “I need you.”
“Of course you need me,” she replies, trying to be her flippant self, but it’s a choked attempt that tells me how stressed she really is.
She enters my office and I motion to the door. She shuts it and crosses to stand in front of me, her black dress as dark as I suspect her mood to be. “What’s wrong?” she asks, sitting primly on the edge of her chair.
“Royce found out that your ex may be CIA.”
“CIA?” she breathes out. “Really?”
“Really.”
She makes a frustrated sound. “I want this to somehow make him less of an asshole, but he didn’t tell me. I was still some token in a game. Clearly, I still am.”
“I don’t know how to respond to that other than to remind you that we don’t have facts. The FBI wants to interview you tonight. I’ll sit in and so will Royce Walker. It will be at his office.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
I repeat what Royce said. “He’s working to protect you. Let’s assume that’s what this is.”
“But I need you,” she says flatly.
“Of course you need me,” I say, giving her a wink.
She swallows hard and gets up. “I need to go work and get my mind off of this.” She walks to the door and I call after her.
“You aren’t alone,” I promise, and she hesitates with her hand on the knob but doesn’t turn. A few beats pass and she says, “Thank you,” and leaves.
In the wake of her departure, I think of how alone Lori was when I met her despite having her mother. How alone I was before I met Lori. And Ashley is exactly that: Alone. No family. No one but us. It makes a man really appreciate his wife. It makes a man want to get up, find his wife, grab her and take her on a desk somewhere. I’m about to stand up with the intent of finding my wife and doing exactly that when she peeks her head in my office.
When she sees that I’m not on the phone, she enters my office and shuts the door. “There’s a case I want to talk about.”
“Bring it to me,” I order softly, scooting my chair back. “Here.”