Chapter 22
ASHER
Ihaven’t felt this flat since my first few days in prison.
I’d never really considered how Lily and me being together could truly destroy her family.
And by family, she means her relationship with her sons.
They are all she has, and I’ve selfishly been thinking only about myself. Yet I can’t make myself walk away.
I know she’s telling me, without actually saying the words outright, that our relationship will only ever be behind closed doors, away from the rest of the world.
It’s disappointing in a way. I mean, we haven’t been tearing each other’s clothes off for long, so to know she feels so strongly about me is huge. I’d dreamed of her wanting me as desperately as I want her, and now she does.
But shit. I realise I want more with her.
I want to take her out for dinners. To walk up the street holding her hand and steal kisses from her while we wait at the register at the grocery store.
I want to tell the twins about us. Have them be happy that I’ve finally found the love of my life, and know I will always look after their mum.
But that will never happen. The twins will never accept me as their mum’s partner. Never accept that I share a bed with her and do wicked things to her.
So any sane lad would walk away, right?
Fucking lucky I’m not sane.
If this is all Lily can give me, ever, then I’ll take it.
If I have to spend the rest of my life sneaking around, hiding what we truly have together, then I will. Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Lily Bennett was put on this Earth to be mine.
Even though I know this, I still can’t seem to pick up my mood.
When we all join Lily in the kitchen to throw a chicken salad together, I stay on the opposite side of the bench to her, worried I won’t have the self-control to not sneak a brush of fingers or an arse grope while the twins aren’t looking.
Lily was serious when she demanded I stop trying to fool around with her near the twins.
She had her stern mum face on and used her mum tone, which only made my cock harder.
But I listened, and now I need to obey. She needs to see that I can be serious.
That I’m more than the life-inexperienced twenty-year-old trying to get into her pants.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you tonight?” Jude nudges my shoulder as he flops down on the couch next to me.
“Nothing, man. Just tired,” I lie, which clearly doesn’t work since I feel Jude’s assessing gaze.
“My lie-dar is going,” Ronan interjects, sitting back with the controller in his hand as he sets up his game.
“Ronnie is right. You’re lying.” Jude nudges my shoulder, and I sigh. These fuckers have always been able to read my moods.
“I’ve been thinking about my mum a bit today, I guess.” It’s not a lie. I have, even though it’s not the source of my shitty state.
“Yeah. Holidays will do that.” Ronnie turns from the screen to look at me. “Even though my old man is a daft prick, I can’t help but think about the days we were oblivious to that.”
“Yeah, until you realise that Mum had been suffering all that time,” Jude snaps, and Ronan doesn’t argue. He just nods in agreement.
“Have you thought about going to see your mum?” Ronnie asks, and I shrug.
“It’s a bit hard with the restraining order against me. I’d have to know when she leaves the house alone. Even then, it’s risky.”
“Agreed. I don’t want you to be sent back to the slammer.” Ronnie nods and I smirk, one side of my mouth tugging north.
“Would you miss me, Ronnie baby?”
His lips spread wide, and he nods. “I guess I kinda like having you around.”
“Dude, you hardly see him,” Jude scoffs, and Ronnie shrugs.
“Yeah, but knowing he’s here safe in our house, keeping a watch over Mum, and knowing he’s also being taken care of, is a fucking relief.”
Jesus. If he only knew how his mum and I take care of each other.
“I’m heading to bed.”
Lily’s voice gains our attention as she stops by the couch, a basket of laundry on her hip as she tries really fucking hard not to make eye contact with me.
“You sure you’re okay, Mum?” Jude asks, always the one to worry extra about his mum. “The bruises and the cut… The mugger must have been aggressive.”
“I’m fine. And the mugger is locked up now, remember? He can’t hurt me again.”
It’s a lie. I’m not sure if it’s the part about being fine, or about the mugger being locked up, probably both, but what I am sure about is that Lily is lying to us right now.
How do I know? It’s the way she nibbles on the inside of her cheek. I’ve seen her do that a few times since I’ve been back.
She did it those two times she received the envelopes with her initials on them. She did it when she was trying to persuade me that she wasn’t attracted to me. She even did it when she said she was at a committee meeting and came home in the wee hours of the morning.
Lily Bennett has a tell, and I’ve finally figured it out.
So what is she lying about now?
Lily has secrets she is yet to reveal, and I wonder if she’ll ever trust me enough to share them with me.
Jude stands from the couch, taking the basket from his mum’s grip and muttering that he’ll carry it for her.
Shit. Maybe I should’ve offered to do that.
Then again, it might look too out of character.
Fuck, my head hurts from all of this stuff.
Lily leaves with Jude without another word, and watching her retreat sends a sharp pain to the centre of my chest. It’s like watching my heart walk away.
By the time Jude returns, Ronan is swearing at the screen, focused on the game he’s playing. We sit and watch for a bit, but it’s not long before my attention falls to my phone. My very silent phone.
I remember a time when the battery would go flat fast because of all the notifications, calls, and messages I received and took part in. Now there’s only one woman on this planet that I want messaging me, and she’s under the same roof, just in a different room.
“Fuck, I’m horny,” Ronan rushes out as he tosses the controller onto the coffee table in frustration.
He lost the game.
“You’re always horny.” Jude rolls his eyes dramatically, and Ronan nods in agreement.
“It’s true. I really am.”
“Didn’t you get laid at the party last night?” I ask, and he nods.
“Yeah, but that was last night. Fucking ages ago.”
“Go jack off now then, arsehole. I don’t want to hear you grunting when we go to bed,” Jude snaps, and Ronnie’s eyes light up as he wags his brows, and Jude’s serious expression morphs into a mischievous grin.
“Good idea. I wonder if the oil is still there.”
“It’s still there.” I nod, remembering my first night back when I used the oil in front of their mum.
“Dude. You totally used it, didn’t you?” Ronnie snickers, and I shrug.
“You don’t get the luxuries of oil and privacy in prison.”
Ronnie nods like he understands. “I’ll make sure to stock up before we head back to campus.” Then, to Jude, he asks, “You still have that pocket pussy hidden in your wardrobe?”
Jude nods. “Sure do. I’ll get it for you, Ash. It’s fucking good. Not as good as a real warm hole, but fucking good enough to get by for a while.”
“I don’t want your used sex toy,” I snap, and Jude grins.
“Dude. You’ve fucked a few chicks after I have. You’ve already stuck your dick in my slop. Besides, the pocket pussy is clean and sterilised. Cleaner than any of the pussies we sink into.”
Immediately, I think of his mum’s tight cunt and wish I didn’t. It feels wrong to think like that around them.
“Speaking of.” Ronan’s lips spread into a sinister smirk. “Have you nailed anyone since you got out? I hear they have scrap sluts that like to tend to the fighters at The Rough House. Any of them saddle up?”
“Trudi tried, but I’m not interested in skank.”
Jude’s and Ronan’s eyes widen as they stare at me.
“What do you mean you’re not interested in skank? Skank is all you’ve been interested in since you first got your dick wet.”
I roll my eyes. “Notches on the bedpost. That’s all they were.” I shrug, wishing I could be honest. “I’m looking for something more… meaningful now.”
“Fuck,” Jude whispers, and then Ronan nods. “Yeah, fuck’s right.”
“Sod off.” I go to stand, but Ronnie tugs on my wrist and I fall back onto my seat.
“Prison has changed you,” Ronnie observes, and I shrug.
“I guess,” I admit. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting more than wet pussy, though.”
“You’re right. There isn’t,” Jude agrees, but I don’t miss the wary glance he shares with his brother.
Shit. I’m going to need to be careful. These two know me too well. They’ll know if I act differently around their mum, so I need to check myself from now on because they are clearly suspicious. Maybe they don’t know what of yet, but my change in relationship preferences has piqued their interest.
I just need to get through this weekend without them knowing how much I fucking love their mum.