Chapter 54 - Derrick
DERRICK
Ididn’t get much sleep last night, and it wasn’t because Chance was in my bed either. Thankfully, he didn’t stay the night, and I was able to freak out in private. Why is Charlie messing with my head so much? And why am I giving this man so much power over me?
Not able to get back to sleep, I decide that a run along the beach as the sun rises is the perfect thing to clear my mind.
Usually, sex works. I get changed into shorts and a T-shirt and head out.
Nobody is around yet. Some staff members are moving around the resort, but I don’t see any of my friends.
I know they will be up soon because of the babies.
I stick my pods into my ears and run. The feeling of the cool air against my skin and the pumping beats of the music soothe my restless soul.
I run and run until my legs ache and my chest hurts with exertion, and sweat is dripping down my body.
Looking back, I see a long stretch of beach laid out before me.
I didn’t realize I had run so far, lost in my thoughts.
Movement behind me grabs my attention, and I still when I see it’s Charlie, walking out of the fucking forest like Tarzan in his sweatpants and no shirt on.
He must be hot in those pants. Sweat drips down his eight-pack abs, and across his military tattoos that decorate his toned chest. Shit.
The man looks like a god. I turn my EarPods off as we both register the other person.
“Are you stalking me?” I ask, anger burning beneath my skin.
He frowns. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me? Are you following me?”
“No.”
My eyes narrow on him. “You seem to pop up anywhere I am.”
“We are at a resort, there are only so many places you can go.”
“Like last night on the beach.”
Charlie’s brows rise at that comment. “Surprised you noticed. Mustn’t have been that good of a blow job if you were able to notice me.”
My eyes flare with anger. “Excuse you. That man has a mouth like a Hoover, he always knows how to suck me dry.” Charlie shrugs at my answer. “What is your problem?” I yell at him.
“I don’t have a problem.”
“You don’t have a problem.” I scoff as I angrily start pacing on the sand. “You buy me one of the most heartfelt Christmas presents I’ve ever received and then you fucking block me on Christmas day.”
Charlie’s hands ball into fists, then open again as if he is trying to hold back his own anger. “That sounds sad, that a stranger could give you something that others couldn’t.”
His words are like a slap. They are so cruel. My eyes flare with emotion, and I’m so shocked that I can’t control the first tear that falls down my cheek. No. He doesn’t deserve my tears. Screw him.
“Right, well, I know where we both stand then.” I suck in a deep breath and steel rod my back. “The best thing you ever did was block me. I think it’s best if we leave it that way, don’t you?” With that, I turn and walk away.
“Fuck.” I hear him curse behind me. “This wasn’t supposed to go like this,” he yells back at me.
I ignore him and continue to walk on. A growl follows.
“Fucking hell, I’m a screw up.” His angry words are filled with such self-hatred that they still me.
Slowly, I turn around and see him pacing angrily.
He stops pacing, noticing me looking at him. “I keep fucking things up.”
“You do.” He’s surprised by my honesty.
“I’m not trying to. This is all …” He throws his hands up in the air.
“All what?”
“You don’t deserve my ire. I shouldn’t have pulled you into my life.
You’re better off without me coming in and messing it up.
” His words are like a stab to the chest, so raw, so haunting.
“I’m an angry person, Derrick. I don’t mean to be.
It was never part of my personality, but it seems like since coming home, it’s my entire personality. ”
“I never felt your anger, not until I called you.”
“You, Derrick, are this great big ball of positivity, happiness, laughter, and fun, and that’s why I never wanted us to do anything more than message because you would see my darkness, my negativity, my moodiness, and you don’t deserve someone like me to drag you down.
The fact that my own sister has given up her life to care for me is enough of a burden. I can’t destroy anyone else’s life.”
His self-loathing and grief hit me like a wave, and I feel nothing but sadness for him. He feels like he is still in so much pain.
“You kissed me.”
Charlie sighs. “I did.”
And? I think as silence falls between us.
“You’re the first person I’ve kissed since my accident,” he confesses.
Oh.
Charlie’s cheeks turn pink. Is he embarrassed about that? He shouldn’t be. Not that I know what he has been through, but it sounds like it was major, and he was fighting for his life.
“I’m flattered,” I tell him.
“Don’t patronize me, Derrick,” he says, getting all gloomy again.
“I’m not. I’m vain enough to be flattered that out of all the people in the world, you chose me as your first kiss. I mean, let’s be serious, I understand why, look at me.” I smirk, wiggling in front of him, lightening the mood.
“I am looking at you,” he says seriously. There’s that intensity again, and it slides over my body, making me shiver. “I was also looking at you last night … on the beach.”
“I know,” I say, biting my bottom lip.
Those stormy eyes continue to narrow on me, and I’m not sure if he wants to kill me or fuck me. Probably both, but I’m going to lean more toward fuck, seeing as it’s been a while.
“And?”
“I think I’ve said enough.” He tries to step around me.
“Hey.” I grab him by the arm and electricity caresses my skin. He feels it too as he jumps out of my hold. “Where’s my apology?”
Charlie rolls his eyes.
The nerve!
Before scrubbing his face. “You’re right. I’m sorry I blocked you. I still think it’s for the best, but …”
“You’ll unblock me?” I add.
He shrugs. “If you want.” He slides his large hands into his sweatpants.
I shake my head. “I don’t get you, Charlie. You’re hot and cold. I’m a big boy, if you’re not interested in me that’s fine. If you just want to be friends, I’m okay with that, too. Acquaintances? I’m all for that. But this limbo? Nah. I don’t like that.”
Charlie looks conflicted over my question, and I can see his body stiffen as if paralyzed by the fear of answering my question.
“I’ll make it simple for you …” I step into his personal space.
Reaching out, I run my finger down his damp chest and over his muscles, pulling a hiss from his lips.
“I like you … although it’s debatable right now because I’m hurt.
I don’t do well with rejection. I’m going to thank my parents for that lingering trauma.
” Charlie swallows as he listens. “But if you think you can communicate in a normal way, and when things make you uncomfortable, you don’t shut down, you either tell me you need a moment or talk it through with me.
I liked our conversations, I think we got on well …
” My eyes dip low as my finger stops just above the edge of his sweats.
His breathing has increased, and there’s slight panic flashing across his eyes, but he’s making an effort not to bolt, which I appreciate.
“I think we could get on even better.” I let my finger slide along the edge of his sweats.
His hand flicks out and grabs my wrist, halting me.
“Don’t,” he says through gritted teeth.
Shit.
Did I push him too far? Sweat seems to have collected across his brow, and he’s turned pale. I take a step back out of his personal space, and he automatically drops my hand.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Charlie gasps. I nod. “You shouldn’t be sorry.
I’m the one who’s sorry,” he says, thumping his chest. “I don’t deserve a moment of your time after the shit I pulled.
This was all me, not you, and it kills me that I might have made you think otherwise.
You have been the bright spark in my days when we were messaging, and things have been pretty grim ever since,” he confesses.
Oh. That’s sweet.
“I want to be honest with you, Derrick.” His voice softens.
Here we go. He’s going to let me down easily.
You did ask him to be honest. I thought he would confess he wanted to suck my dick.
“I’m no good for you, Derrick. I’m no good for anyone right now …
but I would like us to start again, maybe rebuild that friendship I smashed to smithereens because I got scared. ”
You wanted honesty, and he gave it to you. “I’d like that,” I tell him. “Not going to deny I’m upset that you don’t want to kiss me again.”
Charlie bursts out laughing. I didn’t think the idea was that funny. “You thinking that I don’t want to kiss you is absurd.”
Now I’m confused. I thought he said he wanted to be friends.
“I think you are the sexiest person I’ve ever met, and I was in the military and there are some hot men in uniform.”
“Tell me more about these military men. I’m a whore for a man in uniform.”
“Good to know.” He winks at me. Whiplash with the emotions, but I’ll take this flirty Charlie over brooding, self-deprecating Charlie. “I was a whore for men in uniform, too.” I bet he was. “I had a reputation before …” His eyes darken, the gloomy cloud starting to come over again.
“I want all the details,” I ask him, trying to keep him away from those dark thoughts.
He chuckles again. “One day I’ll fill you in.”
“I’m warning you now, any stories you tell me will go to my spank bank.”
“Duly noted. Anyway, the point of this whole conversation is I want to kiss you, but I think it’s best I don’t.”
“For whom?” I raise a brow at him.
“I don’t want to lead you on.”
“I’m a big boy, Charlie. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, it’s not a declaration of love or commitment. Sometimes it’s a comfort thing.”
“Comfort kissing?” he asks, confused.
“Sounds like a good thing. Actually, a comfort BJ sounds better,” I tease.
“Seems like you had one of them last night.”