Chapter 11
Beth
"Oh, you're back already?" Veronica asks as I come into the apartment and drop my keys on the small dresser by the door.
"Is everything okay with Ben? Did anything happen?" I ask her, trying to change the subject that’s been hounding me the entire taxi ride here.
He kissed me. Alex, my child's father, kissed me. And I let him.
No, more accurately: I wanted it, and I felt like I was completely melting when our tongues met and he pressed his warm, strong body against mine.
I wanted it so badly, and yet a voice in my head was screaming that I couldn't do this, that I was going too far, because he doesn't know about the baby.
Our baby. He said himself that he's not exactly the typical father figure type, even if he tried to walk it back afterward. And still, I caved, and in the taxi, I was angry with myself for how easily I’d fallen for him.
One dinner, one intense look, and I was wax in his hands. But why?
"Earth to Beth? Are you in there?" Veronica asks, waving her hand back and forth in front of my face.
"Yeah... uh... what did you say?" I stammer, trying to push the thoughts aside.
"I said you weren't even gone for three hours, and Ben hasn't woken up once since I put him down.
I didn't have to warm up a bottle, and nothing else happened.
" Then she pauses and gives me a sideways glance.
"So, spill. How was it? And what are you doing back here already?
Didn't he want to invite you back to his place for 'coffee'?
Or was that the problem?" She makes air quotes around the word coffee, which makes it clear what she means.
"It was... nice," I say after a brief hesitation, and it's true. Even more than that. The conversation at dinner, the light flirting, laughing with each other. It was wonderful. I had a great time, and yet I feel like the kiss has made everything more complicated.
"That bad? Isn't 'it was nice' just another way of saying 'it sucked'?
" Veronica asks worriedly, apparently seeing that something's wrong.
I've always been an open book to her. Even back in high school, she always knew when something was bothering me.
Why would this time be any different? And why am I so hesitant to confess to Veronica what happened?
I know why: Because I'm a little ashamed of it.
"No. It was really good. We had a great conversation, the food was delicious, he was polite and a good listener and..." I trail off again.
"Then something happened, right?" Veronica asks gently, placing a hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
"He said it must be hard for you to be raising YOUR child alone. He thinks Ben is your child."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I didn't know what to say back at the store. I didn't want to give anything away," Veronica says, a little sheepishly, feeling guilty.
"It's okay. It was my fault. I could have cleared it up, but I didn't know how. I should have said that Ben is my son. But then what? Would he still have gone to dinner with me? And what would I have said if he'd asked me about the baby's father?"
"The truth?" Veronica asks with a shrug.
"But..."
Yes, that would have been possible. It might have even been the right decision, but something inside me resisted. I wanted to take my time, to see how dinner went and...
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I was just scared. Scared of his reaction. Scared of admitting to myself that I've felt like discarded trash for the past year. That's probably why I didn't want to put all my cards on the table at one dinner," I say.
"I get that. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes," Veronica replies. "But you can still correct that, if you want. You could put it just like that, right?"
"He also said he wasn't very good with kids anyway, and then we kissed in front of his car and then..." I stop for a moment because everything is just tumbling out of me, "then I just jumped in a taxi and said I had to go."
"But it was just a kiss, what's the big—" Veronica begins.
"A hot kiss. With tongue. His body pressed against mine. I felt every single part of him. E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E O-N-E," I say, and I can feel my cheeks blushing because I'm still a little ashamed of it.
"Beth. Sweetie. You think he's great. You had a wonderful evening. And yes, he doesn't know about Ben. But don't worry about it. For now, just sleep on it, and if you want, text him tomorrow and explain how you felt. What do you think?"
"That sounds totally logical. And not at all like me," I say, and I have to giggle a little, because when Veronica puts it like that, it sounds like it's not that big of a deal.
Two adults kissed, I left prematurely, and I didn't confess my entire life and every secret to him on the first date.
Seen that way, it's completely normal—at least, if you ignore a few details and the backstory.
"That's what you have me for," Veronica adds, winking at me and giving me a little kiss on the cheek.
"Can I leave you alone? Because then I'd go relieve my coworker for a few hours. She's not feeling so good. And then I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, of course. I'm going to go lie down with Ben and try to get a few hours of sleep. Tell your coworker I hope she feels better. And I'm sorry she had to cover for you because of me, even though she's sick."
"Don't worry about it, Beth. It's not your fault. See you tomorrow," Veronica says, then she heads out.
I make myself some tea and try to go over the evening again.
Should I text Alex right now and explain everything?
Why wait until tomorrow? But as I sit on the couch and try to form a sentence, I feel exhaustion completely take hold of me, and I decide to leave my message saved as a draft and go lie down and sleep while Ben is sleeping.
******
6:25 a.m. What a night.
Not ten minutes after I lay down, Ben wanted something to drink.
He was almost impossible to soothe and was restless all night.
And every time I thought we were in the clear, Petey would start up in the living room next door.
But not only that, since three in the morning, he's been making strange noises that don't sound good at all.
He keeps running on his hamster wheel, then stopping, and the way he's gasping for air sounds anything but normal.
So, shortly before six-thirty, I decide to call it a night.
Ben, of course, is still asleep, and after being fed, Petey decides to go back to sleep, too.
But now I'm awake, even though I feel like I got three, maybe four hours of sleep at most. Still, I don't feel completely awful.
I sit on the couch and am about to grab my smartphone to write the message to Alex. But the battery is dead.
So I plug it into my charger, lean back a little, and feel my eyes getting heavy...
What? Huh? I jolt awake when I hear Petey making those weird noises again and Ben starts making himself heard from his crib.
As I go to Ben and sit down next to Petey's cage with him in my arms, I glance at the clock.
7:45 a.m. I fell asleep on the couch for over an hour.
My neck is stiff, but at least I feel a little more awake than before.
I nurse Ben and he drinks greedily. As he does, I stroke his head and watch Petey, whose behavior is really worrying me. Maybe we should go to the vet? Paula opens the store at 8:00, and I'd have until 10:00 to take care of Petey.
I know an emergency animal clinic just opened three blocks away that's open 24 hours.
I've taken him there before, and you can just show up without an appointment if you have some time to wait.
I don't really have time, but maybe it'll work out anyway.
So, when he's finished and falls back into a deep sleep, I gently lay Ben down, get dressed, and head to the vet with Ben in the carrier and Petey in his cage.
******
"He's in pain. I'll give you something to mix into his food," the vet says half an hour later after he's finished his examination. At first, I was glad we barely had to wait and thought it was a stroke of luck. But his diagnosis is anything but.
"Come back in a week. If it hasn't gotten any better by then, you should maybe consider putting him to sleep. He has arthritis. He's old. Older than hamsters usually get."
"I know," I say sadly, looking at Petey and stroking the sleeping Ben's little head in my carrier. "He already had some issues when he came to me. But I'm attached to him."
"The medicine will help with the pain. But it can't be a permanent solution. We'll take another look in a week. The side effects of the medication are... well, let's just say they're not life-extending."
I swallow hard and fight back tears. I knew it would come to this. And yet, the news is like a punch to the gut.
Dejected, I leave with Ben and Petey and head back home. There, I mix the medicine into Petey's food. He eats well, and about fifteen minutes later he seems to fall into a relaxed sleep, so I can breathe a little easier.
I put Ben down, glance at the clock, and see that I have half an hour before I have to be at the store. I make myself a coffee, think about how I'm going to handle the situation with Petey, and hope that he'll be better in a week.
With my coffee in hand, I go looking for my smartphone, and when I find it plugged in behind the couch, I remember what I was planning to do.
I turn on the fully charged device and a moment later I see that Alex has sent me a message.
My heart is hammering in my chest. I'm nervous and, at the same time, I can't believe the physical reaction that just the notification of a message from him triggers in me.
Hey. I hope you slept well, Beth. Thanks for the great evening.
The message is only five minutes old. I immediately type back.
I thought the evening was wonderful, too. Sorry I left so suddenly.
I want to add something else, but I don't know how to explain it. His reply is prompt.
No problem. I was maybe a bit forward. So it was my fault.
I have to smile when I read that. I wouldn't have credited him with that much empathy.
I was also to blame. It's just...
I pause while typing. What did Veronica say? How about the truth? I take a deep breath and decide to give it a try.
It's just: what happened last year hurt me. I want to take things slow.
As soon as I send the message, I feel hot and cold all over. I wrote "take things slow." To him, that means I want more. But I just wanted the one dinner and nothing more. Right?
Before I can correct myself, his reply is already there.
I understand, and I'm really sorry. What do you say we go out to dinner again tonight and talk about how slow it should be?
My heart is pounding wildly in my chest. I'm about to type a reply, but then I hear Ben crying and, on top of that, it's almost ten o'clock. That means I have to relieve Paula soon. And I really want to answer Alex.
But Ben comes first. He always does. Maybe he just wants to eat and I can type while I feed him?
Then my phone rings. It's my store's number.
"Paula?"
"Beth, I have to leave early today, can you come down right now? I have a doctor's appointment."
"Of course, Paula. I'm coming," I say, picking up Ben, putting my phone in my pocket, and wondering how I'm going to juggle all of this in the long run.