Chapter 15
Beth
"He's calmed down," I whisper to Veronica, stroking the head of my sleeping son in my arms.
"I'm sorry, I... he just wouldn't settle down," Veronica says apologetically.
"You don't have to be sorry. I saw it too. Ben was asking for me, and I can't blame the little guy," I reply, stroking the sweet little munchkin again. I hope I'm not doing him any harm; he's with Veronica so much and apparently not with me as often as he wants.
"Your mommy is a real mess right now," I whisper to him.
"And now I've gone and told your daddy that we're going out to dinner tonight.
" Then I silently add a promise that I'll do better.
I want to be a better mother to Ben, be there for him more, even if I don't know how yet.
I also think about how, in a way, I'm doing this for him, because his father. .. he finally needs to know.
"I'll watch Ben and move my shift," Veronica says, without me even having to ask.
"Thanks," I say, patting her shoulder. "But this can't become a regular thing.
I need to get my life under control. And these lies.
.." I pause. "This can't go on. I don't want to have to make up some excuse about 'women's things' when Ben needs me.
And you shouldn't have to pretend to be his mother all the time. I can't keep going on like this."
"I get it, sweetie. But what if..."
"Then he deserves neither me nor Ben," I return, resolute, while at the same time afraid that's exactly what will happen. "But this can't go on. I have to tell him. No matter what comes of it and..."
"Hello, is anyone here?" we hear an older woman's voice call from downstairs. For a moment, Veronica and I look at each other, confused, but then it dawns on me: it's a customer, waiting downstairs in the shop where there's no one to take care of my flowers and the orders.
"I'll get it. You stay with Ben," Veronica says as our eyes meet.
"I'll text Paula and ask if she can cover," I say, giving Veronica a kiss as a thank-you before she heads downstairs.
This can't go on like this. In fact, nothing in my life is going right at the moment: I'm neglecting my child and my shop, and at the same time I'm trying to date my child's father, who's telling me that his ex-employee is taking pictures of him to annoy me.
But why? Have I gotten myself into something I should have stayed away from?
A moment later, Paula confirms she'll be there in twenty minutes and can take over the shop. Thank God.
I put my feet up, with no intention of putting the sleeping Ben down. He can stay with me all day, right on top of me. Whatever he wants.
Tonight, when Alex picks me up, he'll hopefully be asleep while Veronica watches him. And then I'll tell Alex everything. Absolutely everything.
***
Running late. It'll be 8:30. Sorry. Car wouldn't start.
Alex's text arrives about ten to eight and is a huge relief.
I'm already in a dress and have hastily applied some makeup, but Ben was still pretty restless, and I was already thinking it would turn into another hard-to-explain situation if he showed up at the shop door at eight o'clock sharp to pick me up.
I text a quick "OK" back, then take care of Ben, nurse him again, and by twenty after eight, he's slumbering, full and content, in his bed.
I stay beside him for another five minutes, but he doesn't make a peep. Pleased and proud of my little treasure, I give him a gentle kiss on the forehead, which he also accepts without moving, his breathing even and soft.
"If anything happens, text me. I'll come as fast as I can," I say to Veronica, who has been waiting patiently in the living room. "And... thank you."
"Don't mention it, sweetie!"
"No, really. You're... I would've been lost long ago without you. Thank you," I say, deeply moved, and give her a hug.
Then I hear a distant knocking and know immediately where it's coming from. That has to be Alex, standing at the now-closed shop door to pick me up. Two minutes earlier than he said.
"Go on, now. Ben and I've got this. And hey..." Veronica says, looking at me. "It's all going to be okay."
"I hope so," I reply, wondering what okay could possibly mean in this context. That he doesn't immediately run for the hills when he finds out about Ben? Would that count as okay?
As I go downstairs and see him through the glass door, waving at me in his smart suit and charming smile, I again feel that tingling sensation take over my entire body.
"Hey," he says as I unlock the door. I breathe in that familiar mix of cherry and leather, we're closer than we should be, and it feels like little bells are ringing in my ears. "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble, and my helicopter's in the shop, too, and..."
"Oh, the rich boy only has broken toys," I say in a mock-pitying tone, trying to dial down the intensity of our first meeting, though I'm terrible at it.
Alex suddenly starts laughing. "Alright. I get it. Shall we?" he asks, gesturing to the car two spaces down.
"That's your loaner?" I ask, pointing to the Mercedes AMG convertible that probably costs more than most New Yorkers' apartments. "Must be awful for you, huh?"
"It's in the garage most of the time, but the keys were missing and... Hey, are you making fun of me?" Alex asks, poking me playfully in the side.
Then we're standing in front of his car, looking directly into each other's eyes, and neither of us says a word. Maybe he's also thinking that it's become a strange sort of tradition for us to look at each other in front of his car—sometimes we kiss... and sometimes we don't.
"You look amazing," he whispers, giving me a look of pure desire. I knew this was going to be hard. But this hard?
"You look nice, too," I return, again trying to hide my insecurity with a quick retort.
"Nice?" he asks, grinning.
"Yeah, nice," I say in an indifferent tone, but I can't hide a smile.
"Do you have any preferences for food? I was thinking..." he begins, holding the door open for me.
"How about Indian? There's a great restaurant just a few minutes from here," I say quickly, cutting him off.
I'd only just discovered it on Google Maps this afternoon during a quick search while Ben was napping.
The pictures and reviews looked good. The reason is my underlying worry that something might still come up with Ben.
This way, I'd be nearby and could get back quickly.
"Indian... I'd love that," he says. "Shall we?" he asks, offering me his hand to get in. As our hands touch, it's there again: that heat. That desire that devours and shoves aside all reason within me.
***
"I didn't know this place, but I have to say, it's really beautiful here. And the food is amazing, too. Don't you think?" Alex asks as we take the first bites of our main course.
"Absolutely," I agree, because he's right: the place is a dream, almost like a trip to India. It smells of exotic spices, and the many small lamps and carpets in all sorts of bright colors look like something out of One Thousand and One Nights.
It would be the perfect romantic dinner. If I didn't have something weighing on my soul that I don't know how to say without destroying everything.
That's why our conversations on the way here, after ordering, and while waiting for the food, were mostly about my shop, which he had all sorts of questions about.
I answered dutifully and asked counter-questions about his business, suspecting this was a way of feeling each other out.
But there were also those glances, the small silent moments that weren't awkward, but so intense and full of unspoken promises of future, passionate touches that they immediately gave me goosebumps.
"Alex, I wanted to tell you something..." I begin suddenly, putting a spoonful in my mouth to gather my thoughts, feeling my heart pound wildly against my chest, because I know the moment has come. I can't put it off any longer. He has to know everything. About Ben and...
A cough takes hold of me, followed by an incredible burning in my mouth. I look down at my plate and realize I must have carelessly had the small red chili pepper on my spoon, because it's no longer there.
The burning gets stronger, sweat breaks out on my forehead, I focus on my breathing and reach for my water glass.
"Don't," Alex says. He has jumped up worriedly and is kneeling beside me. I look at him, uncomprehending.
"Water makes it worse. Have some bread," he says, holding out a torn piece of naan to me.
I nod, take a bite, and actually find that the heat in my mouth is gradually subsiding.
"Waiter! Milk and chocolate," he calls out, raising his hand. The Indian man seems to know why, just nods, and hurries away.
"You'll be okay," Alex says quietly, patting my hand. It's somehow sweet how he's taking care of me, not leaving my side until the waiter returns with the milk and chocolate.
After half a glass of milk and a few bites of chocolate, it actually does get better. My mouth feels normal again.
"Thanks," I say quietly. "You can sit back down now, I think," I say to Alex, who is still sitting next to me with his hand on mine. It feels good and yet so wrong, because I'm carrying this secret around with me.
"Yeah, of course," he says, pulling his hand back, which somehow feels like a small loss. "You were about to say something?" he asks, and I feel that the courage to tell the truth has somehow evaporated. All because of a damned chili pepper.
"I wanted to tell you something, too. I wasn't quite finished at the shop this afternoon and..."
"One second," I say, interrupting him as my smartphone vibrates, worried that something might be wrong with Ben. And sure enough, there's a message from Veronica.
Ben was awake. He was really thirsty. He's sleeping again, but now there's no pumped milk left.
"Shit," escapes my lips, and I feel hot and cold at the same time. Something like this can't happen.
"Is everything okay?" Alex asks, concerned.
"Yeah, it's just... we should go now," I say, feeling my heart pound wildly against my chest. I know I should tell him. But not like this, not in a rush, and not when there's no more food for Ben at home.
"Do you maybe want to come back to my place and..." he begins, and I wonder how I'm supposed to explain that I don't really have time for that, but I can't think of a good reason, and I don't want to tell any more lies.
Then his smartphone vibrates. Apparently, he's also getting a message he doesn't like, because his brow furrows noticeably.
"Is everything okay?" I ask.
"Work problems at two stores that I need to take care of," he explains, putting his phone away and looking at me. "Mind if we skip dessert tonight?" he asks, placing his hand on mine.
"No, no problem. Veronica mentioned she could use my help anyway. There was... a mishap," I say, hating myself for being so vague.
"Sure, should I drop you off at her place?" he asks, putting two hundred-dollar bills on the table as we head outside.
"No, I'm going home first," I say. He nods, and we drive the five minutes back to my shop and apartment in silence.
"Beth. I... we should really..." he begins as he cuts the engine and looks at me. I can't help it; my face moves toward his as if by remote control. I know I shouldn't, but...
My smartphone vibrates again, and the attempted kiss goes no further.
Ben's awake. Can you come? Sorry.
"I have to go. We'll text, okay?" I get out without looking back, running away from the truth. Of course, there's a reason, a very good one.
Still, I don't know how this can go on with Alex. I can't keep wanting to kiss him and carrying this secret around with me.
When I turn around again, his car is gone. Did I make him angry?