Chapter 17
Beth
The next morning
What a night. I feel like I barely slept a wink again. This time, though, it wasn't because of Ben. He was awake, and I was able to nurse him as soon as I got upstairs to the apartment, but he barely drank anything and woke up one more time during the night.
I, on the other hand, lay awake with my thoughts, staring into the darkness, and I realized that a part of me was actually glad I didn't have to tell Alex the truth, that I had another reason to run from it.
His message echoed in my mind, too. Should I really go to his place tonight? That was clearly code for sex.
But wouldn't it come down to that anyway? And wasn't that exactly what some part of me, beyond all reason, wanted? Why did everything always have to be so complicated?
Our conversations and all the pointed glances lingered with me as I lay awake. There was something between us. Some kind of invisible bond. Something that seemed to charge the air with electricity whenever our eyes met or any part of us touched.
And then there were our goodbyes: sometimes with a kiss, sometimes without, and something always gets in the way or I get cold feet.
And yet, this secret is practically eating me alive. This can't go on. I have to tell him. I really do!
Besides, it seems like he wanted to tell me something, too, before the whole choking-on-a-chili incident prevented it. But what? Does he have a kid, too?
That's ridiculous!
At the thought, I run my tongue around the inside of my mouth, and it almost feels like the roof of my mouth is still a little irritated from it.
While nursing Ben last night, it suddenly hit me that I might have caused an even bigger problem, since there are certain foods and methods that can cause a woman to stop lactating.
I forced myself not to look up whether chili was one of them and instead sent a quick prayer to heaven.
Maybe it was answered, I don't know. In any case, Ben drank just like usual, and even now, after getting up this morning, my breasts feel full.
A small smacking sound next to me makes me grin, and I look over at my little sunshine, whose eyes are open. "Well, little man? All slept out?" I ask Ben, kissing and stroking him, which he answers with a happy gurgle and a little squirm.
"Today, it's just you and me. Auntie Veronica gets a break today.
I promise," I say to him, thinking again of Alex's message and his invitation.
But I have to face the truth. I'm a single mother and I can't rope my friend into helping every night, especially when she always has to swap her shifts for me.
I just want to be there for him tonight and not go out again.
As much as I want to see Alex again and get this secret off my chest, Ben comes first.
"Shall we get ready, little man? Then breakfast, and then down to the shop," I ask Ben, scooping my smiling son into my arms.
Like every morning, we stop by to see my hamster, Petey, and as always, I feel a little tense as I walk to his cage. But he's scurrying merrily in his wheel and seems to be tolerating the medicine the vet prescribed really well.
As I mix some more of it into his food, I realize that the medicine will be gone soon.
The vet also said it shouldn't be taken for too long because of the side effects.
Once he's off of it, we'll see how Petey is really doing.
Maybe he managed to recover after all. The pet store had already written him off, and this wasn't the first vet who'd done the same.
I hoped so, and I knew it would be damn hard for me to make a decision about putting him to sleep.
I couldn't do that: make a life-or-death decision.
It was so damn hard. But on the other hand, if Petey was suffering, wasn't it unfair of me to deny him that release?
A little head cranes up on my arm. Ben is looking for his breakfast, and I'm grateful that the little guy has chased that thought away for now.
"Yes, breakfast is coming, sweetie," I say, and sit down on the couch with Ben and my bowl of cereal. "Eating breakfast together is nice, isn't it?"
My smartphone buzzes before I can take the first spoonful.
I automatically think of Alex and wonder if he slept as badly as I did.
More than once last night, I was on the verge of texting him.
But I didn't want to send even more confusing signals.
I'm constantly running away from him, and then I text him in the middle of the night? No, that didn't seem wise.
The message was from an unknown number. Curious, I read it, and from the very first words, I know who the sender is. My ex.
Honey-flower. I want you. Why are you blocking all my numbers? We are meant for each other.
Shaking my head, I close the messaging app. Why won't he leave me alone after more than a year? Then I remember that the message has no personalized greeting, and I have to grin. He probably sent this text to every woman in his address book.
Just as I'm about to delete the message, another push notification appears on my phone that makes me jump, because I don't like the text at all.
Transfer failed. The account has insufficient funds.
I look at the date. Shit. Today is the first of the month, and I really only have one standing order. For the rent on the apartment and the shop.
I quickly open my banking app and am immediately confronted with the low tide in my checking account. Luckily, I still have a savings account. I immediately transfer the necessary amount to my checking and execute the rent payment again.
The sight of my savings account, however, worries me.
Like an iceberg in the sun, the amount has melted away over the last few months.
The month after next, this isn't going to work anymore.
The flower shop is making sales, but Paula's many hours need to be paid for, and the wholesale cost of flowers keeps getting more expensive because I can't be at the wholesale market at three in the morning to secure the best prices.
Maybe I have to raise the prices, because sales are all well and good, but apparently the shop hasn't made a profit in a few months. Or I have to work more myself, but that means Ben gets less time, and it's already too little as it is.
As if on cue, he makes a sound beneath me.
"I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just staring at my phone, and we wanted to eat breakfast. Thanks for the reminder," I say, putting the device away. I grab my bowl and feel a wave of guilt wash over me because I'm not even taking time for my son while I'm nursing him. What kind of mother am I?
******
Done.
I've stuck new price tags over the many little signs on the flowers, and all the while I wondered if the prices are really why the shop isn't making a profit.
Because in the entire forty-five minutes it took, not a single customer came in.
Instead, people hurried past my shop on their way to work or wherever else.
Maybe I should just close the shop and..
. And what then? And where would Ben and I live?
I can't move in with Veronica, too, who's currently looking after Ben while he takes his morning nap.
I tried to refuse, but Veronica told me she had two hours and wanted to give me a break before her next shift started.
And as for the shop: if I don't close it, maybe I need to do more marketing, or sign up for the online delivery service again.
Maybe that really is the business of the future, and my cancelling it after the incident with Alex back then was hasty and just out of spite and cost me sales.
I urgently need to check my books from back then and look at some numbers.
The only question is when I'm supposed to find the time for that.
Besides, bookkeeping isn't exactly my favorite subject and. ..
"Am I interrupting?" I hear a man's voice behind me, just after the door opens, and I spin around.
There stands Mr. 10,000 Dollars for my shop and a date. That Jake guy. Alex's rival. Is it because I know more about him and his past now that he seems so slimy today, and his plastered-on charming smile so devious?
"Always. Have you come to tell me about the donation to the animal shelter? Or why are you here?"
"Hey, take it easy. It was a mistake to be so blunt. I apologize for that," he says, bowing to me. What is this? A gesture from the last century?
"If you don't want to buy flowers, then I'd ask you to..." I begin, trying to put as much force into my voice as possible, but he cuts me off.
"I'll just say it like it is. I want your shop. I'll soon own the whole block. I'll offer you something for it that you'll like and..."
"Like I said last time, I don't want to go out with you. What makes you think I would like that?" I ask, feeling my smartphone vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and see a message from Alex.
I hope I'm not disturbing you. Were you able to sort things out? We could do a movie night.
"Hey, Beth, I just wanted to ask you if... Oh, sorry. Do you have a customer?" I hear Veronica's voice coming down from upstairs, making me jump. Is something wrong with Ben? I listen, but I don't hear him crying, which relieves me a little.
"No, this gentleman was just leaving. He just wants my shop. Not my flowers," I say again, feeling my heart pound in my chest.
"You got that right. But if you would hear what I have to offer, then..."
"I don't want to," I say.
"It'll be worth your while. For you and your business."
"Didn't you hear the lady? Get out!" Veronica says, pointing toward the door.
"No wonder your shop is going downhill," he says, shaking his head and turning to leave.
"What a slimy guy. Reminds me of your ex," says Veronica. "What was he going to offer you for the shop?"
"No idea. Honestly, I don't want to know either. I don't want to do business with someone like that," I say, and pause. "Now, about you. Is something wrong with Ben?" I ask quickly.
"No, everything's fine. He's sleeping. I just wanted to ask if you're hungry and if I should make you some lunch."
"You're too good for this world," I say and give her a kiss on the cheek. "You don't have to, it's okay," I say, and show Veronica the message from Alex.
"Movie night. Sounds romantic," she says with a grin.
"Don't be silly," I say, grinning back. "I have to tell him, and maybe it's better to go to his place, and for once, nothing will get in the way."
"You might be on to something there. But I have a double shift today and I can't..."
"Don't worry. I promised Ben I'd be with him tonight. Definitely not tonight."
"Tomorrow? I could arrange that and watch Ben," Veronica offers, looking at her calendar on her smartphone.
"You're the best," I say, touched. Then I pause, wondering again if I should really do this.
Yes, this is the right way. The truth has to come out, so I reply to Alex.
Tomorrow night at 8 at your place?
The reply doesn't take long.
Okay, I'm looking forward to it. But one condition...
My heart pounds like crazy as I wait for what's coming next:
Dress comfy. No evening wear. And I'll provide some snacks and drinks.
I can't help it. I have to grin at the thought of sitting on the couch of his mansion with the rich guy in sweatpants, eating chips. It's almost too perfect, and yet I know it probably won't get that far, because I should tell him what's what right away.