Chapter Seventeen
Colton
I fucked up big-time.
It’s one thing for us to joke around about hooking up at school, but another entirely to do it. As his Dom, I’m supposed to keep him in safe situations—push his boundaries yes, but not risk his whole damn career just to bust a nut.
I’m simplifying it, of course, because it was about more than that.
Everything with him is about more than it’s supposed to be.
I’ve been so hungry for him, so fucking feral to possess him and give him what we both needed that I lost my head.
It’s my responsibility not to do that. I let my dick do the thinking, let my desire to have him again steer my decisions…
and it had been hot. One of the hottest moments of my life, and I’m stuck between my desire to do it again and my fear of not only how much I want him, but what will happen if this comes crashing down on us.
It’s all I can think about during class, my brain alternating between remembering what my professor looks like on his knees, begging for my cock, and berating myself for that very thing.
James is teaching the way he always does, not appearing to be bothered by or thinking about what happened.
I’m familiar enough with him though to know he must be.
He’s covering it up, hiding behind this well-built facade that I don’t think enough people try and look beyond.
They don’t see half the man he truly is.
I don’t either, not yet, but I know there’s more, and I want to see it. All of it.
Once the class is over, I take longer than I need to pack my bag. I’m the last one out but don’t let myself linger as long as I’d like to.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“Make sure to eat your lunch.”
When his tongue slips out, running along his bottom lip, and it takes everything inside me not to lean in and kiss him, I know it’s time to leave. “Talk to you later, Professor Valentine,” I say, forcing myself from the room. I can’t stay in his class. I want him too much for that.
*
“I’m so fucked,” I tell Hannah when I get to the shop after school.
“Your professor?”
“My professor.” I collapse onto a stool, which rolls, and I have to catch my balance, making her chuckle. “I like him, Han, and I really fucking shouldn’t. A relationship is the last thing he should be thinking about right now, and hell, I don’t even know if that’s what I want.”
“You do.”
“How do you know?” I cock a brow at her.
“Because I know you.”
She does, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in a relationship with him. “Spending more time with someone and having more consistent sex with them doesn’t automatically mean a relationship.”
“What the fuck do you think a relationship is, C?”
I laugh and rub a hand over my face. “I don’t even know this guy.
Not really. What the fuck is it about him?
” But really, I do. I know how he looks when he comes.
I know he likes me to spit in his mouth and run my fingers through his hair.
He trembles when I brush my thumb against his cheek, and he really likes apples.
They’re his favorite fruit. He used school as a way out of a bad situation, and I think he feels like his worth lies in his career.
I know he doesn’t have friends, not really, and not because people wouldn’t be his friend, but because he doesn’t know how to accept that.
I’ve seen other professors trying to speak with him, especially Henry Wilkins.
I know James would do anything for Sadie and Nash.
That he’s not keen on sports—at least those with a ball—and writes stories in his head and swims to clear his mind.
I know he craves praise, likes to be slutty, but also likes things orderly and thrives on schedules.
I know him.
“I have to drop his class.”
Hannah sighs, pulls up another stool, and sits beside me. “I can’t pretend to understand the situation you’re in, but I think you need to talk to him. Isn’t communication big in BDSM?”
“It is.” And I shouldn’t need her to remind me.
“I’ve never seen you like this. Talk to him. Figure out the school part. You’re a fixer, babe, not a quitter. So fix it.”
She’s right, but what if fixing it means quitting? Either him or his class, but I don’t know if I have it in me to continue this if I’m going to be risking his career every time I see him…and I want to see a lot more of him than I do.
“I will. Now let’s get to work. I don’t have all day.” I wink, and she leans in, kissing my temple, before we’re buried inside a Mustang together, losing ourselves in the work.
I stay for about four hours. Back at home, I cook dinner, making sure I have enough leftovers for James’s lunch tomorrow, then do some homework before showering and getting into bed with my laptop.
I do some more research on what exactly might happen if I drop his class.
I have options, but it won’t be until next year.
That doesn’t mean it won’t affect my financial aid.
I’m eager to talk to him, so the second nine rolls around, I’m video calling him. James is in bed, wearing a white T-shirt that has water droplets on it from his wet hair.
“Hey. How was your day?” I ask.
“Good. I ate my lunch. It was delicious. Henry caught me after class and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him tonight. He’s often trying to get me to do things with him.”
“Why didn’t you say yes?”
“The kids.”
“Try again.”
“They’re part of the reason.”
“But not the whole reason. You’re allowed to have friends, James. You should have friends. I get it. You try to protect yourself, but you’re denying yourself a real life at the same time.”
“I don’t need you to psychoanalyze me. That’s not what this is,” he snaps.
“I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. I thought I was being a friend.”
He closes his eyes, and not for the first time, I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I wish I could dig around in that brain of his, learn everything I can about him, all the things I’m not sure if he’ll ever tell me, but then, I also don’t want to know them if that’s not what he wants.
It should be something we share willingly.
“I’m sorry. I’m just on edge. I’ve been thinking about this morning all day.”
“Me too,” I admit, and then, “It won’t happen again,” in unison with his, “I want more.”
Fuck.
“Oh,” he says. “If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. I just thought…Jesus, did you only say yes because I begged you for it?”
“What? No. God no. I want you, James. Probably too much. I want more of what we do here at night and more of what happened in your office today. Every single fantasy I’ve shared with you, I’d like to give you those, but I can’t. Not the way things are going. Not while you’re my professor.”
His jaw tightens, the frustration clear in the tic I see on the right side. “No. You’re not doing that. You’re not messing up your whole schedule because of me. I won’t ruin your education that way.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re not ruining my education. I’ll take a different class next year.”
“And then extend how many semesters you have left of school? What about your financial aid? Will you have to pay it back? Will it affect what they give you next semester? Will the withdraw affect it? There’s a lot to think about just because we want to have sex.”
“Is that all we want?”
“What else would we want?” he asks, and the sincerity of his question makes my gut clench.
“I won’t risk your career,” I say instead of answering.
“I won’t risk your school either.”
I groan, dropping my head back against the headboard. “Why are you so stubborn?”
“Because it’s important to me that I don’t interfere with your life. If we’re going to keep doing this, you can’t drop my class. Not for me.”
Those last three words trigger all my red flags. There’s something more beneath that, and I know it. “Why not for you?”
“What?” His brows draw together.
“If this was for someone else, I could, but not for you?”
“That’s not what I meant,” he backtracks, but we both know it’s what he meant.
“I’m just saying I can’t handle that. If we’re going to do this, you have to stay in the class.
We’ll be careful and won’t let days like today happen again.
” He looks down and away, then back at me. “I’ll be good. I promise.”
Every nerve ending in my body pings at that. He’s so fucking submissive and craves being good in a completely addicting way.
“I know you will. What does that say about me if I’m willing to risk your career?”
“It means you’re taking care of me the best way you can…because I need it. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the past few weeks without you.”
Those words hit their mark, pierce right into the middle of the bull’s-eye in my chest. How do I say no to that? How do I walk away? Because I know him, and he won’t continue this if I drop his class. James will consider that his fault and beat himself up over it.
“It’s only two months,” he reminds me.
“You’re very naughty when you want to be…being so sweet to get your way.”
“Is it working?” He smiles in this way he wouldn’t have done even a week ago—playfully, more comfortable with me, letting me see another side of him.
“I’ll think about it. When can we meet up again? Not at the school, I mean.”
“Do you have plans on Friday? We can go to the house.”
I frown. “Oh, is that not where you and the kids are staying?” I didn’t even realize the room looked different, but then, he could have been in a different one or changed it.
“No. We’re in my apartment in the city.”
I nod. This is such a bad idea, but I want it. Want him. “Do you have to go to the college at all on Friday?”
“No. I can make it work without going.”
“Can you make it to the house by nine?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Be there at nine. I want you clean and plugged when you arrive. I’m going to fuck you the second I see you…I’ll be too fucking hungry for you to take my time. Understand?”
He grins, the pulse at the base of his throat beating rapidly. “Yes, Sir.”
“Now, before we go, talk to me about the rest of your day. How is Nash? Oh, and also, I told him we met through a mutual friend and lost touch until recently.” I want to make sure our stories match.
“Okay, good to know. So, he brought home the papers for basketball tryouts. He didn’t give them to me or mention them, but he left them on the counter. They start soon, so my plan this week is to find an after-school program for Sadie. She seems excited about that.”
“That sounds like a good plan. How was her day at school?”
“She said she got a compliment on her hair.” He beams, then continues telling me everything Sadie said to him, before going into what they had for dinner and Sadie asking for his help with homework.
I listen, glad to be in this moment with him and hoping like hell I don’t screw this up.