Chapter Twenty-One
Colton
Mom has me, Dakota, and Elena over for dinner on Sunday.
We try to do this at least once a month, but I often see her more than that.
I hate that she’s alone now that Kota and I have both moved out.
Plus, my family is just close. We don’t know how to be any other way, and every time I think about that, I wish James, Nash, and Sadie had it too.
I felt silly getting emotional when he asked me about my family that first Friday—we’ve had two more since.
It was an overreaction, but it had been nice.
While I know James enjoys this with me, I can’t help feeling it means more to me, which is unfamiliar territory.
But then I remember the man is risking his career to continue spending time with me, and he wouldn’t do that just for some dominance, dick, and me coming up with daily schedules for him, right?
Something hits me in the cheek, and I realize my brother threw a roll at me. “What are you thinking about over there?” Dakota asks. “You’re spacing off.”
“How annoying my baby brother is,” I joke, then turn to Elena. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Hey, I’m awesome, asshole,” Kota replies as Mom and Elena laugh.
“I’m sure,” Elena says. “He’s fun. Keeps things interesting.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I counter, picking up the roll off the floor and throwing it back at him. Dakota catches it and takes a huge bite.
“You’re gross.” James would be horrified, I think, then wonder why the fuck I’m thinking about him again. The man never leaves my brain.
“I wouldn’t want to waste food.” He takes another bite.
“How’s school going?” Mom asks, and I ramble on about my classes, careful about what I say and how I mention my professors.
It’s overkill, but you can never be too safe.
I don’t want to talk about him in regard to school at all because what if I make it obvious that my professor and I are closer than we should be?
The truth is, most people won’t understand.
Most people will think it’s unprofessional of him and a conflict of interest. Even my family, who love me dearly and want the best for me, would be uneasy if they knew I was dating my professor, and I get that most of what could happen would come down on him.
But clearly, I like James a lot, and part of me wants to tell them about him, wants to share him because I’ve never dated someone I cared enough about to share with them.
I manage to keep my mouth shut about James and my brain off James for the rest of dinner, just enjoying my time with my people.
When we’re done, Mom and Elena head to the living room, and Kota and I clean up.
I hear them laughing and smile. “Mom loves her.” It’s nice for her to have Elena—to have another woman around.
She loves Hannah like crazy, but it’s different since Hannah and I would never be a couple.
“She does, and I’m glad. They had a spa date last week. Elena treated her.”
“No shit?” I ask, rinsing off dishes.
“Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t know. Mom usually tells you everything.” The truth is, I have been busier lately between school, work, my Fridays with James, the Sunday hair date, and our nightly routine.
“It’s taking me a bit to adjust to everything,” I say, which is kind of a lie and kinda not.
“Mom thinks you’re seeing someone.”
The plate slips from my hand, hitting the bottom of the farmhouse sink.
“Holy shit. You are seeing someone!” Dakota’s eyes widen. “I thought she was just being a mom.”
“Shhh,” I tell him instead of what I should do—say no, I’m not seeing anyone. Really, I don’t even know what this thing with James is, except that it’s more than it was when we started. Neither of us is with anyone else, but it’s not like we’ve had a discussion about what exactly we are.
“Who is it?”
“Just this guy.” My family has known I’m bisexual since I was eighteen. While they obviously don’t know about my preferences in the bedroom and my desire for control, I’ve never felt like my bisexuality was something I had to hide from them.
“Just this guy? That’s all I’m getting? Is it serious?”
“I don’t know.”
Dakota frowns. “You don’t know if it’s serious?”
Fuck. This is exactly why I didn’t want to do this. “It’s complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
“I’m not sure you’ve ever been so interested in me in your life,” I try to joke, but Dakota cocks a brow, not taking the bait.
“I like him, yes. I like him more than I’ve ever liked anyone, but unfortunately, it’s not that easy.
Plus, he’s older and just got custody of his eleven- and fifteen-year-old sister and brother that he didn’t even know he had.
His mom…wasn’t great. But he’s got a lot going on, so it’s not like a relationship is his priority right now. ”
All true and understandable, but Dakota sighs.
“I get that, and it sounds rough. I hope things work out for him. I can’t imagine going through what he is, but you’ll always be my priority.
Just make sure you’re not accepting less than you deserve—and I hate to be the one to say this, but you also have to think about what you want.
If this moves forward, it sounds like you would end up being a parent to two kids.
There’s nothing wrong with that, but you need to make sure it’s what you want at twenty-eight years old.
It sounds like they’ve been through a lot, so if that’s not something you can handle, you need to get out now, before those kids get hurt. ”
Because we both know what it feels like to be hurt by a parent, even if that’s not technically what I am to Nash and Sadie. When Dad left, it broke us, and I would never want to inflict that pain on someone else. “I know.”
“Sorry. I’m not trying to be an asshole. It’s cool seeing you down bad for someone.”
“I don’t know if I would say down bad.”
“How old is this guy? We’re not talking grandpa, are we?” he teases, which helps ease the stress he stirred up.
“Just forty.”
“I think I need to talk with this guy and ask him what his intentions are with my brother.” Dakota crosses his arms.
“You’re an idiot,” I say, but I’m glad he’s making light of this now and being playful. He said what he had to say.
“I love you, big bro, that’s all. You’re so good to everyone, always there for anyone who needs you. I want to make sure you find someone who sees how much of a catch you are and treats you accordingly.”
I pull him in for a one-armed hug, brain spinning from everything he said. “Thanks, Kota. I love you too. And he’s a good guy as well.” He just hasn’t ever had anyone love him the way he deserves.
*
James and I have our talk Monday night. After answering all my questions about his day, he asks, “What about you? Do anything fun after you tortured me in class?”
“I did no such thing,” I lie.
“You didn’t keep your eyes off me, and you left a sex note in my lunch.”
I laugh, and he chuckles. I like leaving notes for him with his food.
I have no idea what he does with them, but I imagine him blushing and smiling each time he reads them.
“I didn’t tell you I had dinner at my mom’s last night.
My brother and his girlfriend were there. I think she’s the one for him.”
“It’s nice that you guys are close.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty great.”
“Will you tell me more about him?” James asks, and I smile before doing just that.
We don’t see each other on Tuesday, but I leave his food there like always.
In the afternoon, my phone buzzes with a text from Nash. My pulse immediately jumps with worry.
Nash: Hey.
Hey? That’s it? But then I figure there must be more to it, otherwise he wouldn’t be messaging.
Me: Hey, you. What’s up?
Nash: Not much.
Nash: Basketball tryouts are next week.
Ah, so that’s what this is about. I should have figured. Poor kid wants something or someone so badly, but he’s afraid to ask.
Me: Do you have plans today? We can get together and practice.
Nash: Sure, if you want. It’s cool if you don’t.
Fuck, he breaks my heart. Both kids do. I wish he realized he has someone in his brother, but both he and Sadie are too damn scared to hope for more.
Me: I want. I’ve been hoping you’d reach out. It’ll be fun.
Nash: Cool. There’s a court right up the road from our apartment. Do you want to meet at our place?
Shit. I hadn’t thought about that. I should check in with James. I switch over to message him.
Me: Hey. Nash wants to play basketball today. Is that okay? He also asked if we could meet at your apartment.
I watch my phone, foot tapping, hoping he’s quick with it. I don’t want to leave Nash hanging. Three dots pop up, then disappear, then show up again, before a message finally comes through.
Dreamer: That’s fine. I’m glad he reached out. Thank you for doing this. It means a lot to me.
I let out a sigh of relief. I want to be there for Nash, but I don’t want to upset James.
Since Sunday, I’ve done nothing but think about what Dakota said.
I don’t want to hurt these kids—it would kill me to hurt them.
I don’t know what the future holds for James and me—probably nothing.
Not with his job and, hell, I don’t even know what I want, but I’ll be there for them.
I won’t abandon them, not as long as they want me.
Me: You don’t have to thank me. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to, but…I might let you show me your appreciation anyway. I add a wink emoji.
Dreamer: Of course you would.
Me: And you’d like it.
Dreamer: I would.
Dreamer: Just, be careful, please. No one from the university would recognize Nash if they saw the two of you together, so I know it seems silly to worry.
Me: No. It doesn’t. It’s your career, James. I get it. Everything will be okay.
Dreamer: I know. I trust you.
And those three words mean everything to me. I want to be that person for him, probably in more ways than he knows.
Me: I know you do, good boy. Talk soon.