Chapter Twenty-Eight
James
“I feel like I’m about to play my first game,” I say to Sadie and Colton on the drive to Nash’s first basketball game of the season.
“Me too!” Sadie exclaims.
“Me three,” Colton pipes in.
This will be the first time we’re out in public together.
He’s been to the house a few times, coming over for dinner and things like that.
The kids still think we’re only friends.
I feel like that’s the responsible thing to do for now.
Sandra always had men in and out of the house and our lives, and while Colton is nothing like those men and our relationship is totally different, I want us to be more stable in this before we share with them.
And maybe, just maybe, a part of me still worries I’ll lose him before that happens anyway.
How long can he want to put up with my shit?
That’s not what today is about, though. Today is about Nash…and, okay, probably me stressing out that someone from school will notice Colton and me there together.
“He’ll be great,” Colton adds.
“Did you play when you were in high school?” Sadie asks him.
She’s getting used to having Colton around, starting more conversations with him, which I enjoy seeing.
It feels like she’s coming out of her shell, so different from the quiet girl she was when I first went and saw them in Oregon.
She’s even made friends, both at school and in her art program.
“I did, but I wasn’t nearly as good as Nash.”
“Did you play any sports, James?” she asks me next. “Oh, never mind. You probably couldn’t because of Mom.”
A weight of sadness drapes over me, and I figure it probably does over Sadie too.
I welcome the touch when Colton reaches over and squeezes my thigh in support, but then worry that Sadie might see and discreetly try to brush it away.
I glance at Colton, hoping we make eye contact so I can try and apologize that way, but Colton doesn’t look at me.
“No, I couldn’t. But what’s important is that we get to do things we want now—Nash with basketball, you with your art, and me with swimming.
I wanted to be on the swim team when I was younger, and Colton has helped get me back into it.
” It’s one of the things I still do weekly for myself that Sir is a stickler about.
“That’s so cool,” Sadie says. “I don’t know how to swim.”
“Well, I’ll have to teach you,” I tell her. “Do you like it?” I ask Colton.
“Sure. Swimming is fun. I’ll race you,” he teases.
“I would win,” I counter. I have no idea if I could, but I’m pretty confident in my swimming abilities.
“Ooh! I can judge!” Sadie says from the back.
“Deal,” I agree.
“But no cheating for your brother.” Colton smiles back at her, the action making my heart go a little too fast. Everything about him makes me feel that way.
We continue chatting and joking around as we drive to the school. It does its job in making me forget to be nervous, but when we arrive, I can’t deny the swoosh of nerves that rushes through me, then settles in a constant ache.
Colton isn’t my student anymore. We’re allowed to be friends.
I remind myself of that as we park and make our way into the gym. I’ve worked so hard to become who I am, to gain the respect of my colleagues, to be tenured by forty. I’ve always lived in fear of messing it all up, of losing everything I’ve fought for, and now that feeling has intensified.
The team is warming up. Nash shoots, the ball going in smoothly, hitting nothing but the bottom of the net, just before he looks up and sees us.
The huge smile that pulls at his mouth hits me straight in the chest. He looks…
happy and proud. Maybe even surprised. Did he really not believe we would come?
It’s not as if he’s ever had people show up for him in his life before, but I damn sure will always show up for him from now on.
I don’t want him to ever doubt that I’ll always be there for him.
Colton too. Even if we break up, Colton would be there for him.
The three of us wave at him, but Nash schools his features and gives us an up-nod.
We find a seat in the bleachers, about halfway up, sitting behind our team’s bench. Sadie is between Colton and me, her little leg bouncing, showing just how nervous she is for Nash. “He’s lucky he has you as a sister,” I tell her. Their bond really is beautiful.
“He’s the best. He always protected me and took care of me, even if he got hurt in the process.”
My chest tightens, wondering how he might have gotten hurt, hating myself for not being there, but then Sadie scoots closer, like even if I wasn’t there for her before, she knows I’m there for her now.
I put my arm around her. “And now we all have each other, and if there’s ever anything you want to talk about, I’m always here. If you don’t want to talk to me, I’ll find a therapist for you. Whatever you need, okay?”
“I know,” she says, and they’re the best two words she could say to me. They mean she trusts me, and that’s worth everything. “Tasha says I can talk to her too.”
“I think she would be a great person for you to talk to.” I glance up and see Colton watching us. He winks, then turns back to the court, watching Nash.
The game starts a few minutes later. I’ve never in my life cared about basketball until today, and suddenly it’s the best game ever invented.
I can’t stop myself from shooting to my feet every time Nash touches the ball, jumping and cheering each time he makes a shot or does something good on defense.
My heart races the whole game, and I forget to be nervous about anyone seeing Colton and me together because nothing else matters other than Nash and his game.
I watch as he steals the ball from another player, then dribbles his way up the court.
They get back on defense, but that doesn’t stop Nash.
He doesn’t slow down, taking it all the way to the basket, shooting a layup, one of the other players swiping at his arm.
Nash falls to the floor, the ball teetering on the rim, before it falls in.
“Fuck yes!” Colton cheers, as Nash scrambles to his feet. “Basket and the foul. He has the chance for a three-point play,” he tells Sadie and me. “We worked hard on his free throws.”
They all line up in place, Nash standing behind the free throw line.
The ref tosses him the ball, and Nash dribbles it a couple of times, looks up at the basket, takes a noticeably deep breath, and shoots.
The ball swooshes through the net cleanly, both Colton and I shoving to our feet to cheer as he just gave us a two-point lead with this play.
Our gazes catch, Colton’s eyes twinkling, giving me my favorite mischievous smile, and I swear, my heart flips over in my chest…maybe calls out his name. I can’t help smiling back at him as we sit down again.
It’s a close game, the teams evenly matched, but when the final buzzer sounds, we’ve won by three points and the crowd goes wild.
Sadie hugs me, cheering and dancing for Nash, then surprises me by turning around and hugging Colton too.
He looks up at me, teeth showing when he gives the world’s biggest grin, like this moment means something to him too—like we all do… like he belongs.
Don’t push too far too fast. Don’t chase him away.
“Look at him,” I say, pointing to Nash, watching where he and his teammates celebrate, and he’s right there in the middle of it. A part of it.
We head down, Colton taking Sadie’s hand when she almost stumbles on the lip of one of the bleachers and making my heart go wild again.
Nash meets us on the floor, sweaty and looking like he’s the happiest kid in the world.
“Good game,” I tell him. “You’re a really great player.”
He nods. “Um, thanks. Thank you for letting me play. And for coming.” Nash looks away.
I hate that he’s still unsure, that he still doesn’t trust me, but things are getting better.
That’s what I have to remind myself. “I gotta go to the locker room with my team and stuff, but are you gonna come over tonight and celebrate with us?” he asks Colton.
Colton shoots me a look, and I nod.
“Hell yeah,” Colton says. “We’ll wait for you.”
“What’d ya think?” he asks Sadie, pulling her in for a hug.
“Ew. You’re sweaty.”
Nash laughs. “I’m awesome, right?”
“The best.” She grins.
“Obviously,” he teases, then says, “See you guys in a bit.”
We hang out, talking about the game and waiting for Nash. He comes out about thirty minutes later with the same guys I’ve seen him with before. They say goodbye, and then Nash jogs over to us.
I’ve never heard him talk so much, never had him string together as many words as he does on the drive home, clearly still buzzing from the game.
The car is loud, full of voices and excitement in this way I used to watch on TV shows as a kid—when the whole family was together, everyone talking at once, and it was so foreign to me.
I never had that, never even seen it in real life, but I’m living it now.
When we get home, Nash and Sadie sit at the kitchen counter, doing homework and chatting with us while Colton and I make nachos. We had dinner before the game, but Nash is already starving again, and I must admit, I could eat too.
“I’m fucking beat—I mean, beat,” Nash says. “I’m going to bed early.”
I stare for a moment, speechless because…did he just correct his language? I don’t make a big deal out of it, afraid if I do, he won’t try again, and say, “You had a long day.”
“Night, James,” he says to me. “Night, Colton,” he adds, and they fist-bump.
“I’m gonna go to bed too,” Sadie says, hugging me and waving to Colton before they both disappear down the hallway, leaving us alone.
“They should have their own rooms,” I say.
“Yes.” He tugs me closer, and I go easily, letting Colton pull me into his arms, knowing we’re out of sight and I’ll hear the kids if they come out of their room. “Why don’t you want to move to the house with them? There’s tons of space.”
I sigh, then pull away and head over to sit on the couch. Colton comes with me, sitting close, and for the first time, I allow myself to cuddle with him here. He wraps an arm around me, dancing his fingers through my hair and waiting for me to speak. “That makes it feel real,” I admit.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know…just…when you picture a family, that’s what it is—two parents, kids, a house, maybe a basketball hoop in the driveway and barbecues in the backyard. It’s the dream, what a lot of people strive for, and I guess I don’t know if I’m worthy of that.”
“Jesus, baby. You are. You’re worthy of that and more, but…do you think you’re any less of a real family here?”
“I don’t. That’s the confusing part. Not everyone lives in a house with a picket fence.
It’s hard to explain. When I was a kid, I would look at people like that and think their lives must be perfect.
I know that’s not true, but that’s what books told me, and TV shows.
And I guess I’m afraid to trust this can last, that it will work.
Like if I move them there, change our lives in that way, then suddenly the universe will be like, Nope.
You don’t get this. You don’t get to be happy.
And I’ll lose it all. If I don’t change anything, if I don’t believe it’s real, it’ll hurt less when it’s gone. ”
Hell, I told Sadie I’d take her to a therapist; maybe I should consider one for myself.
“Look at me,” he says, and when I don’t listen, he swats my ass. “I told you to look at me.”
I immediately sink into the role that feels so fucking comfortable to me. “Yes, Sir.” I pull away, unbury myself from his arm so I can face him.
“That’s not how this works. I know it’s scary. I know you’ve lost a lot, but you can’t keep yourself from ever changing things, from moving forward, because you’re afraid that gives you more to lose. Certainly not when we’re talking about a house.”
It’s strange how I can know he’s right yet struggle with it. “I’m trying.”
He pulls me to him, and though I shouldn’t, I straddle his lap, facing him. “That’s because you’re my good boy.” He cups my cheek. “Why don’t you start by looking into what it would mean for the kids and school first. Is it the same district?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t want them to have to change schools.” Not after everything they’ve already been through.
“Okay. Would that be their base school? Would you have to get a transfer? How easy is it to get a transfer? If you can get one, that means you probably have to be the one to take them back and forth to school, if you’re not zoned properly for the bus, so we’d have to figure that out too.
Once we have all those answers, it’ll be easier to make that decision. ”
“We?” I heard everything he said, but it’s impossible not to focus on that word.
“Yes. We. Unless you plan on breaking up with me. I’m in this, James. I’m in it with you for as long as you’ll have me.”
Forever. I want to have you forever.
“Want to know what I did for myself this week?”
He frowns, probably at the change of topic, but nods.
“This…right here. Will you stay for a while and just hold me?”
He pulls me close, and I know he’s smiling into my hair. “I’d stay all night if I could.”
I nod, stand, and take his hand. He can’t stay all night, but we can have a little while. We can lie in my bed with our arms around each other and pretend he doesn’t have to go.