Chapter Thirty-Two
James
The past week has been like a dream. Colton stayed over a few nights, the kids know about us, and…everything’s good. For the first time in my life, everything is good.
Today is the kids’ last day before winter break, but there are a few days left here at the university, which means we’re all busy with finals—everyone trying to get help at the last minute when they’ve let their grades suffer for the rest of the semester.
It’s always like this and such a wild concept to me because I never had it in me to wait until the last minute.
It’s always frustrated me as a professor, but honestly, I don’t think anything can bother me right now because, again, I feel good and just want to hold on to that.
I look up at the door when my next student appointment arrives. “Come in,” I tell the young woman, who takes the chair across from me. “What can I do for you, Ms. Wilson?”
“I’m really worried about my grade.” She goes on and on about all the reasons her grade is what it is, and all the reasons I should allow her to make up an assignment, wanting study tips to help improve her grade on the final.
I listen, letting her get it all out, when my phone buzzes on my desk. I try to ignore it, but it immediately goes off again, and I frown when I see it’s our caseworker.
“I’m sorry. I need to get this,” I say, picking up my phone, then walking to the window to look out as I say, “Hello.”
“Hi, Mr. Valentine. It’s Rebecca. How are you?”
“Nervous,” I reply. Something isn’t right. I know it. “What’s wrong?”
“We have a bit of a situation here. Nash’s father contacted the Department of Children’s Services in Oregon. They did everything to find him when Sandra passed away, but to no avail. He heard, though, about her, and he…well, he’d like Nash to come and live with him.”
The room spins. I have to hold on to the windowsill to keep myself from falling over. No. No, no, no, no.
Not now. How can this be happening now?
“Professor Valentine?” I hear from behind me. I hadn’t realized she was still there, but I don’t have it in me to reply.
“What does that mean? If he wants Nash, where has he been all these years?”
“Well, he is Nash’s father, and in the eyes of the law, that matters. We’ll have to make sure he’s safe for Nash, and lives in a safe environment for him, just like we did with you, but if he does…”
She doesn’t say any more, and she doesn’t have to. If he does, they’ll take Nash away from us. We’ll lose him. “That’ll kill him. He can’t be taken away from Sadie.”
It’ll kill her too.
It’ll kill me.
He’s my brother. I love him. I can’t handle losing him.
“I don’t know that we’ll have much choice. It’s a complicated situation, and—”
“Fuck the situation. What about him? What about what Nash wants? What about what’s best for him?
Because it sure as shit isn’t being taken away from his sister, from the life he’s fallen in love with here.
He’s thriving, and he’s loved. You can’t just come in and take him away from us. I won’t allow it.”
I don’t care what I have to do, Nash isn’t leaving.
“We’re a family,” I tell her before ending the call. I have no idea if that was the right thing to do. It’s not like me, hanging up on someone that way, not getting all the facts, but it’s not happening. They’re not taking Nash.
Oh God. They want to take Nash.
The room spins again, twisting and turning, my chest tight, so fucking tight that I can’t breathe.
“Professor Valentine, are you okay?” my student asks again as I lean against the wall, slide down it until I’m sitting on the floor.
No. I’m not okay. I’m really fucking not.
What if I can’t stop them? What if I can’t protect him? I didn’t protect him for the first fifteen years of his life, but I damn sure plan to do it now.
I fumble with my cell, fighting to pull deep breaths into my lungs but not doing a good job of it. My chest hurts, my head too. I haven’t had a panic attack in years, but I remember the feeling, know exactly what’s going on. I press DLS on my phone.
“Hey, are you okay?” Colton answers, just as I hear Ms. Wilson saying, “I think he needs some help,” to someone.
“Nash. They want. To take. Nash.”
“Where are you, baby? I’ll be right there.” He’s in class, or at least he was. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I calling him? Messing with his life this way. I should be able to handle this on my own. “Tell me, James. Now. Be a good boy for me.”
Be a good boy for me.
I need to be his good boy. “Office.”
“Good boy. I’ll be right there. Stay on the phone with me. I’m coming.”
“Okay,” I say, and then wait for the weakness, wait to feel like shit for needing him, for wanting him, but it doesn’t come. It’s okay to need someone, I tell myself. That’s what love is.
“James?” Henry asks, and I realize he’s kneeling in front of me, that my head is between my legs and I’m panting. Other people are in the room too, including the dean, which just makes my head explode into even more chaos.
They want to take Nash.
I’m having a panic attack at work.
I need Colton.
I smell him before I see him—citrus and sunshine.
He kneels on the other side of me, taking my face in his hands and holding it so I have no choice but to look at him. “I’m here. Breathe with me. Come on, you can do it.”
I fight to do as he says, to pull a deep breath into my lungs with him, then let it out slowly the way he does.
“Do we need to call 911?” someone asks.
“No. He’s fine. We’re good, right? Everything is good.” Colton drops his forehead against mine, and my eyes fall closed. I feel his breath against my face, and it reminds me to breathe myself. In, out, in, out. “That’s it. You’re doing so good.”
The muffled echo in my ears I didn’t even realize I heard until it started to quiet, keeps fading further and further into the background.
Colton doesn’t let go of me, doesn’t move, touching me, breathing with me, helping me through the panic clinging to me.
When I finally make my way through the chaos, the room is empty except for us, Henry, and the dean.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time.”
“It’s okay, buddy.” Henry squeezes my shoulder in support, but then I look up, eyes meeting with the dean.
She glances back and forth between Colton and me—his backpack, the fact that he’s here, touching me this way and was close enough to make it quickly, and she must conclude he’s a student here.
That we’re more than we’re supposed to be.
And…it doesn’t matter. Nash matters. Colton matters. I love him, and he’s not going anywhere, and if that affects my position here, we’ll deal with it. Right now, I just care about my family.
I push to my feet, my legs weak, but I ignore it. “I, um, need to go. There’s a family emergency with my brother.”
“The one who lives with you?” she asks.
I nod.
“Okay,” she says.
“I can cover his classes,” Henry offers. “We took finals last week in mine. I’m free to help all week.”
“Thank you, Henry.” He really is a good friend, and maybe it’s time I finally let him be.
“Thank you,” she tells him before her gaze flashes to Colton, then me again. “We’ll talk after winter break.”
We’ll talk, and it probably won’t be good, but I can’t find it in myself to care right now.
“Sounds good,” I reply.
Colton helps me pack my things, and as the two of us head toward the door…I take his hand.
“James…”
“It’s fine. I want to touch you. That’s all I care about.”
He nods, and the two of us go, leave. Together.
*
We decide not to pull Nash out of school early. I want him to enjoy his day and be able to go on with his life as much as possible.
I call a lawyer and get an appointment for a consultation, but the soonest they can see me is in two days. I want to know my rights, what we can do to keep Nash where he belongs.
“I won’t let them take him,” I tell Colton.
“I know, baby. His home is here with you, and we’ll do everything we can to keep him here.”
I nod, so fucking thankful to have him by my side. I don’t know how I would do this without him, but I do know I’d find a way. I refuse to let Nash down.
Colton goes with me to pick up Sadie from art, and then we head over to get Nash from basketball practice.
“What is this? Family night or something?” Nash jokes when he climbs into the SUV. Hearing him call us a family and knowing that I’m about to blow up his whole world makes my heart shatter.
“I was thinking we’d order pizza,” I say. “You guys want pizza?”
“I’m pretty sure he always wants pizza,” Sadie replies.
“Be nice, brat.”
He jokes back and forth with her, and all I can think is how much he can’t lose her. Nash wouldn’t know what to do without her. She is his world.
Nash showers when we get home, and I order the food. My stomach is in knots the whole time. Colton gives me tender looks, gentle touches, chaste kisses, knowing how much I need them, giving me more strength and letting me know I’m never in this alone.
I have him.
I will always have him.
We sit around the table together, eating pizza and talking about Sadie’s and Nash’s day. I wait until we’re done, bellies full, and I can’t stall any longer. “I need to talk to you both about something important.”
The table quiets, the apprehension and nerves clear on their faces.
“What’s wrong?” Nash asks, the sound of his voice different than it had been moments ago. There’s an edge to it, a disconnect I haven’t heard from him in a long time.
“I got a phone call today. Apparently, your father is in the picture, and…and he’d like you to go live with him—”
“No. Fuck that.” He shoves to his feet, his chair tumbling to the floor.
Sadie flinches.
“I won’t let him take you. I’ll do everything in my power to keep you here. We’re a family. We’ll fight this. We’ll—”
“Like you fucking care!” he cuts me off. “You’re probably glad to get rid of me. It’ll make things a whole lot easier if you don’t have me.”
“That’s not true,” I tell him, as Sadie begins to cry. “I love you both. And we’ll fight this.”
“What’s the fucking use.” He lowers his head, shoulders curled in defeat. Then softer, he mumbles, “Nothing good ever lasts,” before lifting his head again.
“Nash. I’ll fight this. I promise. I—”
“Yeah. Sure. I know,” he says, but he sounds off, like he’s saying the words but doesn’t mean them. Nash walks around the table to Sadie, kneels beside her. “Hey, Sades. It’s gonna be fine. You heard James. I’m not going anywhere. He’s gonna make sure I get to stay here with you, okay?” he soothes.
She throws her arms around him, and Nash holds her, runs his hand up and down her back as she cries, telling her it’ll be okay. That no one can take him away from her. That they’ve been through too much together and nothing can pull them apart now.
But it’s clear he doesn’t believe it. He’s resigned to the fact that nothing good lasts, that he’ll lose the only family he’s ever known. He reminds me so much of myself, of the similar feelings I’ve had.
The mood is somber after that. I try to talk to Nash, but he says he’s fine. That he trusts me. That he knows everything will be okay. Colton tries too but doesn’t have any more luck than I do.
“He’ll be okay,” Colton says when we’re in bed together that night. “We’ll prove him wrong. We won’t let them take him away from us.”
I nod, but for the first time since I met him, I don’t believe Colton.
I can’t sleep all night. I’m still awake when Sadie shoves through the door the next morning, frantic, eyes wide, and crying.
“James! Nash is gone!”