Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
RENZO
A red light blinks overhead like a heartbeat. My thoughts twist, trying to pin down what it is. Fire alarm? Drone sweeping the night sky?
No. Fuck, it’s worse.
I see it clearly now. The flashing neon sign inviting me through addiction’s gate. Welcoming me back. Wondering where I’ve been. As if it never believed I’d stay gone long.
I struggle against its pull.
This isn’t what I want.
Poison floods my veins, cruel, twisted comfort.
Then.
Mind.
Over.
Awareness crawls in, slow and unwelcome.
Velvet sheets beneath my naked body. Music. Perfume. Hands I don’t recognize, roaming over my flesh.
Not again …
What the fuck have I done?
Not me—that motherfucking doctor.
He’s why I’m here.
Anger claws at me, trying to surface. It’s too much, though, and I sink deeper into the bed, into addiction’s tightening squeeze.
It was all for nothing.
I’m the Beneventi they whisper about in shadows.
The unreliable fuck.
The weak link.
So weak. So fucking weak.
There’s nothing left to prove, is there?
I lost.
I crossed the line for the final time.
And I’m never coming back.
“Get away from him.”
The mattress shifts beneath me as my bed-partners flee.
From her terse voice.
Fina.
I cling to the sound as it claws me from the void.
“Renzo, can you hear me?”
She touches my shoulders, then shakes me. Impatient. Demanding.
My limbs are lead. Cotton balls fill my mouth, muffling words that won’t form. My temples throb.
The mattress sags once more, and she disappears.
Don’t go.
My eyelids drag like they’re weighted with sandbags as I pry them open. Her shape appears, haloed by too-bright light. Pain slices through my skull, and I shut them again, flinching.
None too gently, she places a cap on my head. “Keep your chin down, understand? No one can see you.” I’m pulled up to sit. Every nerve screams, every joint stiff with agony.
“An Uber is waiting outside. Think you can wrap an arm around my shoulder, place your feet on the floor, and then stand?”
I nod, and the motion sends a nauseating wave through me. Still, I force myself upright.
She wraps an arm around my waist.
My knees buckle like they’ve forgotten how to hold weight. I collapse into her, breath catching as sharp, stabbing sensations ricochet between my ribs.
“Where …”
“Where did I find you?” She scoffs with irritation. “Under a pile of bodies at La Vita Nera.”
Well, fuck.
“You’re lucky I don’t put another bullet in you. It’s what you deserve.” Her body vibrates with outrage, and in some broken, messed-up way, it keeps me conscious.
I’ll take outrage over absence.
We pass a few patrons, but the club is relatively empty. My gut twists, dread gnawing at the edges of my awareness.
How long have I been here?
I’ve lost track of time.
I reek of sweat, sex, and shame.
My foot catches on a crack in the floor, and we stumble. “God, how can someone so weak be this strong?”
Weak. Fucking hell. And exposed. Like a lamb headed to slaughter if anyone decides I’m not worth saving. If my enemies decide I’m worth killing.
Every step is agony. Muscles screaming, head throbbing, lungs too tight in my chest. And the worst part? The craving stirs, sickening and cruel.
“Motherfucking doctor,” I grind out, my voice hoarse.
“What did you say?” Fina demands.
I grit my teeth, the effort making my jaw ache. I fucked up and am now fucked up. “Going to shove his freaking stethoscope up where the sun doesn’t shine,” I mutter.
“You’re mumbling. But if you’re asking me to let you go, the answer’s no.”
We exit the kink club through the back.
I’m shoved into the back of the Uber. The door slams. She crawls over me to the far side, like she can’t stand to touch me any longer than necessary.
She doesn’t tell me where we’re going.
I don’t ask. I just look at her.
Stiff-backed, jaw clenched, but breathing fire. A vision so beautiful, it makes every hurt feel like it can’t compete.
So much to say. So much past to make up for. My voice rasps like sandpaper against my throat. “Fina, Fina, Fina.”
Her temper flares. “Don’t Fina me, asshole.”
The words cut, but I deserve them. All of them.
I close my eyes, rest my head against the seat, and make a vow.
I’ve disappointed her for the last time.
Whatever it takes, even if it breaks me.
It won’t happen again.