36. A Numbing Haze
Chapter thirty-six
A Numbing Haze
Emily
The ride from the hospital was a numb haze, the world outside the car window, a blur of passing lights and shadowy buildings.
All meaningless.
All distant.
Even the car’s motion felt surreal, as if I were floating in a void between reality and a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
Kaz held me in his huge, muscular arms, and his presence beside me—the warmth of his body, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat—was the only anchor keeping me tethered to the present.
Yet, it still wasn’t enough to stop all the memories of Max flooding my mind, each one a sharp stab to my heart, triggering waves of pain, of suffering.
Max’s laughter, his teasing, the way his eyes lit up.
I saw Max and me sprawled on X’s living room floor, arguing about which rapper was number one—Tupac, Biggie, or Jay-Z—and always when I brought up Lauryn Hill he would be ready to storm out of the apartment altogether.
And then the scene shifted to the night I first met Kaz, and Max gave me advice in the alleyway, telling me to be sexy, to flirt just enough with the Russian .
You have to wake up.
During our time in New York, Max’s protective presence always lurked in the background—even as he harbored my dark serial killer secrets.
It was a cruel irony, the way the most significant moments of our lives were intertwined with secrets and lies yet bound by an unbreakable bond of love and loyalty.
All the things you have done for me. . .I could never pay you back. . .
I closed my eyes to shut the memories away.
It didn’t help.
The darkness behind my lids was no refuge.
Instead, it was filled with visions of our time in Prague, the eerie silence of Uncle Igor’s castle, the strange adventures that seemed so thrilling at the time but now felt like haunting premonitions of the fragility of our existence.
And I saw us walking through Uncle Igor’s odd castle, sneaking around in a secret passageway. Max hadn’t wanted to be in Prague at all or even behind those damn walls of that bugged-out castle, but he went because he loved me, because he would always be there.
Max. . .don’t leave me.
Sadness shivered through my body.
Hours later in Prague, X died and side-by-side Max and me chased after masked men, our hands steady as we took aim.
The sharp crack of our gunfire echoing in the air.
Another memory unfolded in my head.
We sat together on Max’s bed, in his room in Italy, bathed in the warm glow of the bedside lamp with the smooth melodies of jazz filling the room. Only Lemonisha served as a witness, but I touched Max’s hand, and he almost had a heart attack.
Shit. . . I almost had a heart attack too.
The memory of touching his hand, the electric shock of connection that we had ran from most of our lives—how could something that felt so vibrant, so alive, be so close to slipping away into the void?
Max. . .don’t go. Please. . .I love you.
Those precious moments we shared were the threads that bound us together.
The love and laughter endured long after the pain faded.
However, those memories were also now shards of glass, piercing through the fabric of my reality, leaving trails of pain. The thought that I might never experience those moments again, that all I would have left were these fragments of the past, was unbearable.
Wrong.
Fucked up in the cruelest ways.
I would rather die first, than to live without you.
As the car hummed along, the cold fear of losing Max, the possibility of his light being snuffed out, wrapped around my heart like ice.
He was more than a friend.
He was my brother.
Part of my soul.
A piece of my very being.
Will he wake up? What if. . .he doesn’t?
Terror—so profound—it shook the very core of my being.
Where do we go when the light fades?
What becomes of our love, the shared moments, the whispered secrets when death calls?
Would they dissolve into nothingness?
Would they linger in my heart?
Would I. . .somehow still be able to feel him near me?
I opened my eyes, not wanting to cry anymore.
Tears spilled anyway.
Kaz held me tighter in his arms. His presence was a lifeline in this storm of emotions raging within.
What would I do without Max? How could I even. . .live without him?
The car stopped, and for a moment, so did everything else—my heart, my breath, the very earth itself paused, waiting for me to shatter. I was on the brink, staring into the abyss, terrified of the inevitable, of the unknown, where the journey of death would take him, take us, and what it meant for the love that seemed too vast, too deep to be contained by the confines of life and death.
Kaz brushed his soft lips against my ear. “ Mysh , are you ready?”
My bottom lip quivered. “Yes.”
I figured we were at the hotel. There was no need to check. I didn’t care. All I wanted was my phone to ring and a doctor to tell me that Max was awake and making jokes.
Please, God. . .please. . .
“Come on, mysh .” Kaz helped me out of the car.
I struggled to keep my composure, to stifle the sobs that threatened to escape, afraid that once I started crying again, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
I didn’t even remember the journey from the car to the hotel.
The walk was mechanical, my body moving on autopilot while my mind remained trapped in a whirlwind of grief and fear.
Max gripped Lemonisha and winked at me. “Eh, Em.”
“Yes?”
“I love you. Don’t forget that.”
Nervous, I placed my hand on my hips. “Stop talking like you’re not coming back ever. Don’t make me kill Misha.”
“Man, I’ll be back. Stop tripping. I just need to help him with some shit.”
“Misha doesn’t know how to share.”
“Naw, Em.” Max chuckled. “You don’t know how to share.”
“You’re mine. I don’t have to share.”
“You been around the Lion too much. All his B.D.E. is starting to seep into your pores.”
I couldn’t have told you what occurred on the elevator. It could have been filled with people or empty, music playing softly or silence enveloping us—it didn’t matter.
Kaz just held me close as my thoughts remained consumed with Max.
These motherfucking Cartel bitch ass people put you in a hospital bed. Death won’t be enough for them. Now I want to bomb. . .
At some point, Kaz guided me inside our room.
It was all a blur in my mind—minutes and seconds lost in overwhelming sorrow.
Time stretched.
Warped.
However, I do remember the moment Kaz took me into Emilio’s room and I kissed our son’s forehead. Emilio’s soft skin had been warm against my lips. The scent of baby powder soothed my nose.
Max. . .you have to survive. There is your nephews to think about. . .
Paolo lay in a cot next to the crib with his tiny frame curled up in a ball and his fingers tightly clutching his pillow.
Paolo’s nanny explained that he had a nightmare and for some reason wanted to sleep next to his brother.
Had Paolo somehow known what happened tonight?
Or was it the energy of this city, bothering my baby?
I gazed at our sons, and my heart swelled.
Somehow, despite the torment gnawing at my insides, I found strength in their innocent slumber. They were still so blissfully unaware of the cruel world that waited for them outside our safe bubble.
I gently brushed my hand through Paolo’s silky hair and whispered, “Promise me. . .that you won’t follow our footsteps in this life. . .be better. Never pick up a gun.”
Paolo stirred slightly under my touch but did not wake up.
“We should go, mysh .” Kaz took my hand and guided me away.
Minutes later, I sat in an oversized hot tub big enough for at least ten people. Warm water rose up to the center of my chest.
Tension eased in my muscles.
The seats molded into the sides provided a place to rest, but my mind was far from relaxed.
Candles flickered around us, casting a soft glow over the scene, but their warmth did little to soothe the ache in my chest.
Steam rose from the surface, swirling around me in lazy tendrils.
Kaz sat on the opposite end of the tub, offering a silent source of comfort amidst the chaos. He took slow sips of his beer, and his gaze was gentle yet understanding as he watched me.
Despite the weight of my heartache, I couldn’t help but be grateful for Kaz.
Fuck. . .
My thoughts drifted back to Max, lying in that hospital bed, fighting for his life.
The image was a knife twisting in my gut.
No. I have to think about something else.
I pushed the thoughts away and focused on the warmth of the water and the flicker of the candles.
The city whispered outside our window, a quiet hum carrying on its usual rhythm. The world hadn’t stopped to be in despair with me.
Not even for one fucking second.
It felt unfair.
For me, Max’s absence was a void.
A hole.
An empty space that echoed with his laughter and was tinged with the scent of his cologne.
I desperately missed him.
And the world just keeps fucking going on?
I looked at my hand and blinked at the joint between my fingers.
What?
So in shock, I didn’t even know where the joint came from that lay next to the tub.
Did I pick this up? Who gave it to me?
Regardless, I studied the neatly rolled joint. My fingers trembled slightly.
I turned to the right and saw a lighter.
Who brought that here?
Kaz watched me.
Swallowing, I grabbed the lighter, brought it to the joint’s end, lit it, and inhaled deeply, sucking until smoke filled my lungs.
That’s better. . .maybe. . .
I blinked and inhaled more over and over.
And Kaz studied me, saying nothing.
What is he thinking? Does he know that I am losing my mind?
Silent, he ran his hand through his wet hair.
Of course he knows I’m losing it. The only person that knows me better than Max is my lion.
The more I smoked, the more the space spun slightly around me.
I shivered and glanced to my left.
A glass of dark rum rested on the other side of the tub.
When did that get here?
I widened my eyes.
I’m losing moments.
I blinked several times.
Get it together. You can’t let Lunita rise up and cause more messed up things to happen tonight.
I picked up the glass of rum.
But. . .this will help.
In between puffs, I took a sip and welcomed the liquid burning down my throat.
Yes. I need to be numb.
I leaned back against the tub with the joint between my fingers.
A thin thread of smoke rose from the tip.
Kazimir watched me with an intense focus, and his body leaned towards me as if his every muscle were poised to rush to my way. “Do you need anything? I can call the staff to bring more.”
That’s who brought the things. . .I just don’t remember anyone coming in here.
“ Mysh ?”
“No, baby. This is good.” I took another drag.
Smoke curled inside me, and I hoped it would fill the empty spaces in my heart.
“Talk to me, mysh .”
The rum sat heavy in my stomach.
Part of me wished I could disappear into the fog of smoke and alcohol.
The joint burned lower, a glowing ember at the edge of my consciousness. I sipped the rum again, this time letting it linger on my tongue, tasting the sweetness and the burn.
Meanwhile, a heavy, fragrant cloud hovered over me.
Max, you would be proud. I’m quite. . .fucked up already.
I had to admit, the sharp edges of my despair were beginning to dull into a more bearable ache.
I exhaled smoke, and it felt like a small surrender.
I just need to be a little more. . .numb. . .
I put my attention back onto the rum.
This time I took a long gulp.
A warm path formed from my throat down to my stomach, spreading a deceptive sense of calm that I clung to greedily.
“Mysh?”
I put my focus back on my lion. “Yes, baby?”
Kaz studied me some more. “Talk to me. What is going on in your head?”
I licked my lips, already feeling intoxicated. “If I didn’t have you, Kaz, I would be butt naked, covered in blood, and in the streets doing a mass shooting on innocent people.”
“You just made my cock jerk.”
A smirk sliced through my sadness. “Something is wrong with you.”
The alcohol and the smoke intertwined within my body.
I knew this was no solution, that the morning would bring clarity and a resurgence of pain, but for now, I allowed myself to sink into the embrace of oblivion.
Watching me, Kaz held the beer close to him. “Do you still want to go to the dinner tomorrow?”
“Fuck yes.” Rage pulsed in my veins. “I want to see my enemy’s faces. I want to look them in their fucking eyes. I want to kill them.”
“Then, I will make sure Jean-Pierre understands that the dinner is still on.”
Fucking right it is on.
I swallowed down more rum and set it on the edge of the tub.
The combination of the rum’s fiery trail and the smoke’s sedative caress soothed my senses into a murky state of semi-awareness.
My body felt disconnected, almost as if I were watching it from a distance.
Steam rose from the surface of the water blurring the line between my skin and the air.
My lids drooped over my eyes. “If J.P. has our back here, I’m going to give him some of Kapotnya.”
The line of Kaz’s jaw twitched. “That territory is yours .”
“It is, but I don’t want you to have to divide parts of Moscow.” I took a last puff, put the joint out, and lay it next to the glass. “If anyone makes a deal with the Butcher, it should be me.”
“You took Kapotnya from nothing to a major player in Russia. There is good money there now. More than ever before. I will not have the stank of Jean-Pierre’s perfume all over that place.”
“Kaz—”
“We will discuss this later.”
I leaned my head to the side. “Will we?”
“Let us finish our war in New Orleans, and I will see if there are other parts of Moscow that could be given to the Butcher and his pansies.”
I could well imagine the sort of area Kaz would give—bloodied, dangerous, and as poor as possible. That being said, I was sure the Corsican would still take it and have the location up and running within a year.
A hazy cocoon wrapped around me. “Alright. . .we’ll see.”
“How are you right now?”
“I’m high. Tipsy. Numb.”
He curved his lips into a smile. “Tonight, you will sleep well. In the morning, we will talk to Maxwell.”
My heart raced. “Are you sure?”
“I am sure.”
Please. . .be right.
I swallowed hard.
Kaz finished his beer and set it down. That was when I realized that there had been another empty beer bottle next to him.
That’s his second beer. . .Yes. I’m losing time in here.
Tension gathered in my shoulders.
Is Lunita trying to get control? Has she been getting control for seconds at a time?
Sadness washed over my body. “I came here to heal. . .”
“You did.” Kaz nodded. “And you will.”
“Now we are in a war. . .”
“War happens a lot, in the world we live in.”
“Let’s just. . .”
“Yes.”
“Let’s just. . .” I sank down into the liquid comfort of the tub. The water came up to my chin. “Let’s just get married. . .”
He widened his eyes in shock. “What?”
“Let’s just. . .fucking get married in the next days. . .”
He parted his lips, but no words left them.
“We should, Kaz. Cause. . .when the fuck will there be peace for us? We are always in something. There’s no use trying to have a wedding when everything is all good because. . .” I shivered in the water. “I don’t think our life will ever have long months of peace. . .We have to just get things done, when we can. . .”
To my shock, Kaz’s entire face brightened. “Part of me knows that this could just be your being intoxicated.”
“It is and it isn’t.”
“The other part of me wants to just pull you out of this tub and take you right to a church tonight.”
I gave him a sad smile. “I’m sure everything is closed right now.”
“I will wake everyone up.”
“I bet you would.” I sniffled and gazed at the steam rising from the water. “But. . .everyone will be here soon. David, Blue. . .Misha and Ava. . .More of your cousins and friends. . .”
“All will arrive within two days at least.”
“Since everyone will all be in one place, are you fine with getting married in New Orleans?”
“ Mysh , I do not care about the location. I just want my lions.”
I groaned in annoyance. “Kaz. . .I am being serious.”
“I am being serious too and, the lions must happen.”
“I’m fine with the lions, just not with them freely walking around.”
“Perhaps, I can compromise this time, since you are moving the date up.”
I quirked my brows. “Really? Does the Lion even know how to compromise?”
“Yes.”
“Alright.” I crossed my arms over my breasts. Water rippled around me. “How will you compromise? Can you finally be logical about the lions?”
“Big cages, mysh .”
“O-kay. . .”
“The lions must have space to walk around in the cage.”
“Listen. As long as the lions are in the cage, I’m cool. Make them as big as you want.”
“Good.” He grinned. “And there must be meat for the lions to eat.”
“Awesome. I will be walking down the aisle as lions rip bloodied meat apart.”
A dark chuckle left Kaz’s lips. “It is a celebration, mysh .”
“Fine. Like I said before, as long as the lions are in cages. . .”
Thinking of the wedding pulled me out of my grief for Max. “Does it matter if it is in a church?”
“I would rather it be on a roof with flowers.”
I eyed him. “Because?”
“You know why, mysh .”
“For Lunita?”
“Yes. It would be important to her.”
Usually, I would have gotten mad, but in this moment. . .the anger didn’t come. Was it because I knew that she was suffering over Max like me?
That we were twins in this grief.
“Okay.” I sighed. “A roof with flowers all over it—”
“And large cages of lions.”
“I feel sad for our wedding planner. I’ll get Blue to find someone who can deal with your craziness.”
Kaz laughed like I was the ridiculous person in the tub, and then I realized that I very much needed to hear Kaz laugh. The very sound of his joy calmed me.
I swallowed. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.”
I let out a long breath. “The lions will feast.”
“They will.”
“And. . .” I undid my arms and raised my hand to the surface to touch bubbles. “Our wedding should beautifully merge Russian and African American cultures.”
“I like this.”
“I just don’t know how we will do that.”
“The wedding planner will help us.”
“Maybe, the vows could be in Russian and in English.”
Kaz smirked. “Yes. This is good.”
“A jazz band could be at the ceremony. We’re in New Orleans after all.”
“Perhaps, we can fly in a balalaika player too.”
“What is that?”
“The balalaika has a triangular-shaped body and typically three strings. It comes in different sizes.” Kaz pretended to play one in the water, looking like an odd Honky Tonk player. “And the balalaika player strums and plucks, playing folk tunes or even classical compositions.”
“Then, I’m down.” I shrugged. “Let’s fly a few in.”
Kaz winked.
I shook my head, getting even more tipsy. “What colors should the wedding be themed?”
“I do not care as long as your dress is white and so pretty, it will be fun to tear it away.”
“Wow.” I chuckled and some of my sadness left. “The menu has to be a fusion of Russian and African American food.”
“Interesting.” He opened the beer and took a gulp. “What are you thinking?”
“ Russian appetizers like blinis with caviar.”
“This is a must.”
“Bite-sized chicken and waffles.”
Kaz quirked his brows. “I have never tried this.”
“You will like it. Max loves chicken and waffles. . .” My heart broke. “Umm. . .anyway. . .I like it too. . .and fried okra. . .and. . . Bronx Salad.”
Kaz tilted his head to the side. “Bronx salad?”
“A fresh mix of greens, including kale and spinach, topped with apple slices, walnuts, and a balsamic vinaigrette. Very chill. And there’s Five Boroughs Bean Soup. It’s a. . .” I thought of how X would always make a large pot on Sundays and wanted to cry. “It’s. . .a hearty blend of beans, seasoned with smoked turkey and collard greens.”
He smiled at me. “This sounds good.”
“Maybe. . .the wedding will be weird.”
“ Mysh , we will have lions on a roof. Let us have fun with the menu too.” He took another gulp of beer. “What are other things you want on the menu?”
“Pelmeni and borscht.”
“My food has become some of your favorites too?”
“Definitely.”
“There must be vodka.”
“And the best wine.”
“The best.”
“Oh.” I blinked. “I don’t want a regular wedding cake.”
“No?”
“We should do like this big medovik cake.” I thought about the Russian honey cake, so decadent and layered with sweet cream.
Kaz drank more of his beer and set it down. “It is a traditional custom for the bride and groom to be greeted after the ceremony by family, with bread and salt in an embroidered cloth.”
“Why?”
“It is for future good health and fortune.”
“Then, let’s have tons of bread and salt.”
He chuckled. “And what about you, mysh. Is there some tradition you could add?”
“Maybe. . .jumping the broom.” I shrugged. “It’s about sweeping away the old and welcoming the new.”
I closed my eyes. “It’s from the slavery days when slaves were not able to get legally married.”
“Then, you and I will jump a broom.”
I smirked.
For some reason, it sounded funny coming from him.
Kaz continued, “And who will walk you down the aisle?”
X’s face flashed in my mind.
“I don’t know.”
“We will choose someone who is worthy enough to do it.”
I thought of J.P. “We must invite the Corsican.”
“Must we?”
“Yes, Kaz. We must.” I didn’t even open my eyes, knowing Kaz wore a pissed expression.
Silence came.
Then after a few quiet minutes, Kaz whispered, “ Mysh . . .”
I kept my eyes closed and yawned. “Yes, baby?”
“Thank you for not killing my cousin tonight.”
I tensed and snapped my eyes open.
He finished his beer and then set it down next to the other bottles. “It would have been fine, if you did—”
“It would not have been fine—”
“I trust you—”
“It would have hurt you, Kaz. I could never have done it—”
“But, you wanted to—”
“I just wanted to kill someone in the hallway.”
He nodded. “But you held back and thought of me .”
Sighing, I stared at the water. “I never want to bring you pain.”
“You love me very much.”
“I do.” I let out a very long breath. “Before we arrived in New Orleans. . .I thought. . .”
“What did you think, mysh ?”
“I thought that if I didn’t heal as soon as possible, Lunita and my mental illness would ruin us. It would destroy our love. You would leave or fucking go crazy after more shit, more fucking cheating with some stranger. . .more killing of people you learned to care for. . .I was scared of losing you due to. . . her .”
“And now what do you think?”
I remembered how we moved in the club tonight—fast and on point. He had my back, I had his. There was no one that could have stopped us, even when we ran out of bullets, even when those men kept on coming, coming, and fucking coming.
In fact, I didn’t think anyone could ever end us. . .but us. . .
“ Mysh ?”
I looked. “I think we’re stronger than ever. Our love is fucking strong as hell. Unstoppable.”
“Finally, you understand.” He ran his fingers through his wet hair. “Heal or not, it will always be us .”
I let out another long breath.
“My only question now, mysh , is what do you think healing is for you at this time?”
“I don’t know, Kaz. Right now. . .all I can think about is Max.” My heart broke a little bit more.
My head went dizzy.
What the fuck?
I shook it.
Suddenly, a thought came to me.
Let me get control.
And, this was not my thought.
It was hers.
I stiffened.
Please.
The room began to close in on me, even the glow of the candles started to feel oppressive.
Plus, this odd sensation crept up from the depths of my being.
At first, it was subtle—a faint tugging at the edges of my consciousness, like a whisper brushing against my mind.
Max needs me.
My breath hitched.
Wait. This is her. . .
I began to further recognize the telltale signs of Lunita’s presence attempting to claw its way to the surface.
Panic surged through me, mingling with the sorrow and grief already weighing heavily on my heart.
No.
I swallowed.
Go back. I. . .understand, but. . .go back.
Still. . .with each passing second, the sensation grew stronger, like a relentless force pressing against the barriers of my mind, threatening to engulf me entirely.
I blinked.
Kaz studied me. “ Mysh ?”
I tried to nod, to assure him that all was well, but the words caught in my throat. Instead, I clenched my fists and fought against the rising sensation.
Max.
I closed my eyes, seeking solace in the darkness behind my eyelids, but there was no escape.
I know, Lunita. Max is hurt.
Emotionally, I was caught in a fierce battle and struggled to keep Lunita at bay. I fisted my hands within the water.
But, I’ve got it. Trust me, Lunita. I will kill them.
Despite the warmth of the water surrounding me, I felt cold, as if an icy grip had wrapped itself around my heart.
Blood and death! I want it!
Lunita’s presence loomed larger.
I know.
Tears spilled at the corners of my eyes.
I know. . .
Kaz left his side of the tub, heading my way and holding my gaze.
Could he read the turmoil on my face as easily as words on a page?
He moved closer, the water rippling with his movements, bridging the gap between us with a few strong strokes.
Give me control!
Kaz got in front of me, reached out across the water, and took my hands in his. His fingers were warm against my cold hands. “What is wrong?”
The floodgates opened.
“I’m scared, Kaz,” I lowered my voice. “I can’t shake this feeling. . .It’s like I’m losing myself in this and now... now there’s this voice, her voice, trying to take over and. . .part of me wants to give Lunita the reigns. . .”
Kaz’s expression softened. “But, you will not give her control.”
“No.” I gritted my teeth, and my bottom lip quivered.
Slowly, he drew me into his huge arms. His body was a wall of heat against my chilled skin as he held me close, offering not just comfort but solidarity too.
He whispered into my ear, “Breathe, mysh .”
I took a deep breath.
Air shuddered into my lungs as I tried to focus on the here and now.
“We have it, Lunita. We have it.” Kaz landed soft kisses on my forehead, and the icy grip of Lunita’s presence within me began to thaw.
But it didn’t completely recede.
Instead, it morphed, transforming into a throbbing pain that resonated with my own heartache.
I’m sorry.
I closed my eyes.
It is not your fault.
I trembled within Kaz’s hold, unsure if it was Lunita or me.
I should have come out. I didn’t know.
Her sorrow was a revelation, sharp and startling in its clarity.
And it wasn’t foreign.
And it wasn’t an invasion.
It was mine.
No one knew. It isn’t our fault.
Kaz’s embrace tightened around me. In his arms, I found the courage to confront the truth I had been running from. “Can you hear her?”
“Yes. . .she’s hurting.”
“And you are hurting too?”
I kept my eyes closed and leaned against his chest.
Her pain continued to unspool in my core, and it was a pain I had felt many times before. In fact, it was hard to explain, but I truly recognized this feeling, as one that I had experienced so many times.
Was it her those other times? Yes. . .it was her.
I trembled some more.
That pain. . .it came other times. . .so many times. . .her pain. . .inside of my chest. . .in my head. . .in my gut. . .in screams. . .in my tears.
But then. . .her pain. . .was my pain.
And right now we were both in pain over Max.
And for the first time since learning about her, I truly understood how Lunita and I, were truly two sides of the same coin.
Fractured parts of a whole.
Inseparable.
Intertwined.
The boundaries between us, once so distinct in my mind, began to blur, merging into a singular consciousness.
The realization hit me hard.
I’m sorry, Lunita.
I felt her pain as distinctly as I felt my own.
It was a mirror image of the heartache that I had tried to compartmentalize.
It was a shared suffering.
Tears blurred my vision, not just from sorrow, but from the overwhelming sense of unity.
I opened my eyes and looked up at Kaz. “She’s really sad.”
“And you are sad.”
“Y-yes.” I swallowed. “I can almost. . .feel her crying now. . .on the roof. . .ripping flowers out of her hair. . .screaming. The sky thundering up above.”
The line of his jaw twitched. “And what do you want to do, mysh ?”
“I. . .” Tears left my eyes. “I want to hold her.”
Sighing, he kissed my forehead some more.
“She knew him longer than me. . .” I shivered. “And. . .she not only saved me at times, but she saved him too.”
Kaz leaned back, and all I saw was love in his gaze.
I sniffled. “And she feels helpless and just wants to kill and I get it.”
“Why?”
“Because I just want to kill.”
“In many ways, you two are one in the same.”
I trembled and looked away. “Maybe. . .at least in this moment. . .”
More pain throbbed within.
And I truly knew that it was a shared agony.
I kept my head rested against his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.
It was a grounding rhythm.
Kaz spoke, “Is she still talking to you?”
“No.” I closed my eyes. “But. . .you have to put me in a separate room with extra guards tonight just in—”
“I will not.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Yes, Kaz.”
“No, mysh .”
“What is wrong with you?”
“I will handle, Lunita, if she comes.”
“No you will not. By the way, I said what I said, Kaz—”
“I am not Tisha or Valentina. I am the Lion.”
I glared.
“And my mouse lays next to me—”
“She wants to come out—”
“Let her come out—”
“Kaz—”
“I will talk to her.”
“And say what? Hey, Lunita. Don’t cut my penis off.”
“Perhaps, I will promise to get her a good bit of men to slice this week.”
“We are not doing that?”
“We are. She is in pain. If she wants to kill, then we will let her kill, but under my watch—”
“This is crazy.”
“It will work.”
“Kaz. . .if she hurts you. . .”
“Lunita will never hurt me—”
“Are you fucking crazy?”
“I know her, mysh . Better than you do.”
I shook my head. “I am telling you that—”
“In the club, you trusted me.”
I swallowed. “I did. That was different.”
“It is not.” He kissed my forehead. “In the hospital, I stood silent and trusted you.”
I trembled. “That was different.”
“It is not.”
“Kaz, if you let Lunita wake you up, then you are not trusting anything, you are having faith that a psychotic killer will not do what she does best, which is slice.”
“I plan to have Boris and Wassily sit inside of our bedroom as we sleep tonight.”
Tension gathered in my shoulders. “This still is faith , not trust .”
“It is trust in Lunita, and you are trusting me too. Can you do that?”
“I don’t want to. It scares me. I can’t lose—”
“Trust me.”
“Kaz—”
“Trust me like you trusted me this evening.”
I could see the determined glint in his eyes.
He wasn’t asking, he was imploring.
Pleading for me to trust him.
To trust them .
And while the logical part of my mind screamed at me to deny Kaz outright, I found myself hesitating.
Maybe, it was the rum.
Perhaps, it was the weed.
Whatever it was, this primal part of me, some instinctual force, understood that this was a necessary step.
A bridge we had to cross.
So against my better judgement, against all the screams inside my head, against Lunita’s compulsion for destruction and violence, I allowed myself to whisper a shaky, “Okay.”
His eyes softened. “Thank you.”
I held onto him tight, as though he were a lifeline keeping me from being swept away by the storm of fear threatening to capsize me.
God. . .please don’t let me regret this.