Chapter Thirty
“Absolutely not,” Julian complained when Lainey shared her ridiculous plan to help him find a wife. She had waited until they’d arrived at the docks in London before apprising him of her ridiculous plan.
“You don’t have to be saddled with just any snooty woman of the ton when we could find you someone you might actually care for.”
“I don’t want to care for anyone else.” He may have sounded like a petulant child, but there was no helping it.
“You are being stubborn,” she accused.
“Yes, and you know that because you know me so well. How am I supposed to stop loving you and start loving another? It doesn’t work that way, Lainey.”
Ben nodded that his trunks had been loaded and it was time to leave for his townhouse. This was the last moment of his adventure and he didn’t want to spend it fighting with the woman he loved.
She let out a breath. “I don’t expect it would happen so quickly, but it could happen. In time.”
“No. If I cannot find a way out of this, I will marry the most proper woman who will accept my hand and be done with it. I will not attach feelings to a transaction my father has forced upon me. I won’t do it.”
“Please consider it when you are less upset.”
“I will never be less upset.”
She blew out a breath and he wanted so much to kiss her in that moment, but they couldn’t continue in that vein. It was just causing more damage. Not to mention they were in plain sight of everyone.
“Please, Julian. For me.”
“For you?”
“Perhaps if you allow yourself to be happy, I may be also.”
He tilted his head in question.
“I thought myself unappealing for so many years because of what happened with Lord Dunnage. And perhaps because I carried around so much anger and suspicion, I frightened off anyone who might have otherwise shown an interest. But being with you, seeing the way you look at me, it has made me feel… beautiful.”
“You are beautiful. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“I wasn’t searching for a compliment, I was making a point that if I opened up, someone might offer for me.”
The shattered pieces of his heart fell into his stomach. She was speaking of marriage. To someone other than him.
The vine of jealousy coiled around him, cutting off the air to his lungs.
He wasn’t just going to lose the woman he loved. He would lose her to another man. A man who would touch her and make love to her as he had. Who would win her smiles as they grew old together.
And he finally understood what she was trying to do for him. Because despite the jealousy and hatred for the faceless man who would call her his wife, he knew he wanted that for her.
Happiness and love.
Of course, whoever the blighter was, he wouldn’t deserve her. Julian knew he hadn’t either. But if they could care for Lainey and allow her to be the person she was without judgement or trying to turn her into something proper or normal, Julian would praise the man until his final breath.
“Very well,” he managed to say around the lump in his throat. He’d known the reality they were facing, but it hadn’t seemed so real until this moment.
He needed to get away before he scooped her up and ran away with her. He only wanted to keep her for himself.
*
Julian greeted hisdear friend as he entered the study at Roxburghe House.
Hale had always enjoyed town, but since he’d married his lovely wife who preferred the country, the duke and duchess spent most of their time at the country home he’d purchased for them in Scotland.
Except for a few weeks during the beginning of the Season.
“Where is V?” Julian asked after their daughter.
“Asleep. But you have only to wait a few minutes and I’m certain she will be awake yet again.” If the man was attempting to complain, he did a poor job of it with the smile upon his face. “Come, tell me of your journey.”
“First, I brought you something.” He held out his small gift. A bit of rock with ancient painting on it. “I dug that from the earth myself.”
“I will treasure it always. Thank you. Did you have a rewarding adventure?”
“Yes. Very rewarding.”
Hale tilted his head.
“I don’t think you could have said that with less enthusiasm. Was it not what you’d hoped?”
Julian stood and walked in a small circle. Hale frowned, no stranger to seeing Julian pace when he was distraught. He’d seen it many times over the years they’d been friends.
“It was everything I’d hoped and more. And I thought it would be enough to tide me over as I go forward with my father’s plans for me, but instead, it made me realize how much I have to give up. Who I will have to give up.”
“Who?” Hale was smiling now as he held out a glass of brandy. “Is this unrest over a woman, then? Have you fallen, my friend?”
“Do you remember when you said we weren’t good at speaking of feelings and things of the like? Were you feeling things for the duchess before she was your duchess?”
“Yes. Are you in need of some advice? Because I daresay I will do a far better job of it than you did.”
“At the time, I didn’t really understand what you were going on about. But now… I think I do.”
“You think you do?” Hale challenged.
Julian must have given more of his feelings away than he’d thought for the man to question him. Still…
“It doesn’t bloody matter if I do or not. For I can’t have her.”
Hale frowned. “Is she already married?”
“No. But she won’t meet my father’s requirements of a proper countess, so I would lose the mines to Osborne if I married her and…”
“You want to marry her?”
Julian rubbed his temples with his thumb and index finger while nodding.
“Yes. I do. More than anything.” Then he shook his head. “Except the responsibilities to those who depend on me.”
Hale let out a breath and winced before he spoke again.
“I don’t suppose she would be interested in being a mistress?”
Julian’s fists clenched. “Speak of such a thing again and you’ll find yourself across the field from my Wogdon pistol. I would never dishonor her in that way.”
Hale held up both hands in surrender, apparently not wishing to duel one of his closest friends.
“My apologies. I meant no disrespect. But it is done when there is not another way.”
Julian glared.
“By other people, of course,” Hale added in an effort to appease him.
In truth, it wasn’t that Julian hadn’t thought of that option. But only briefly. What kind of future would that be for the woman he loved? He could not be so selfish as to keep her for himself while having nothing to give her in return.
“She will marry and have children and be happy. That is what she deserves. Nothing less.”
“Perhaps I could loan you some money…” his best friend offered.
Julian sniffed. “It isn’t just about the money. You remember the state the mines were in when I took them over. The children. The men missing limbs from accidents that could have been prevented. No. That is no answer.”
“If I can’t help in that way, perhaps I could at the least assist you in digging up your father and we could take a nice long piss on his remains.”
Julian laughed at that.
“I appreciate the offer, but he’s not worth the effort of digging him up.”
“Fathers.” Hale shook his head. “Every day when I hold Verona, I silently promise to be a better father than mine was.”
“You already are.”
“I didn’t know I was capable of such love as what I feel for my wife and child. I almost feel sorry for my father for missing such a wonderful thing as I have.”
“No regrets?”
“Not one. Remember, I was the wary bachelor like you. Trust me when I tell you, whatever I thought marriage would take from me, it has given me so much more.”
Julian nodded. “You don’t need to convince me. I want to marry her. But I can’t.”
“She’s of good breeding, is she not?”
Julian nodded. “She is, unless you believe the gossips, that her mother was sired by a painter instead of the Duke of Renfrew. But despite the rumors, she’s also…” He smiled thinking of the woman who had stolen his heart. “Delightfully improper.”
Hale’s grin practically broke his face.
“The very best kind of wife.”
Yes, Hale’s duchess was rather unpolished. She was a horsewoman who probably rivaled Elaina for having as many pairs of breeches. But Hale hadn’t been saddled with an ultimatum from beyond the grave that dictated whom he needed to marry.
“Life is too precious to spend it with someone you do not love. Find a way, Julian.”
Julian nodded.
He’d been doing nothing but trying to find a way to have Elaina since before he’d even returned to London.
But time was running out. His thirtieth birthday loomed. It was time to admit defeat and give in to Elaina’s plan to find a proper wife before it was too late to save the mines.
*
Lainey watched asJulian danced with another debutante and another. Her stomach twisting in knots each time he graced one of the lucky girls with his distracting smile.
She couldn’t even say it was jealousy that caused the pain in her chest, but rather heartbreak. She felt that Julian would have chosen her if he’d been able. But he could not.
Because she was not trained to be a proper countess. Her blood might be genteel enough, but her reputation was suspect. A spinster known to travel to remote parts of the world where she assisted with manual labor.
The Egyptian sun had tanned her skin and bleached her hair. Not to mention the freckles that no proper woman would have allowed. Her hands were not soft. They were calloused and scarred from working with tools. She didn’t know the first thing about handling a household except to hire a housekeeper who could manage things with little input as her Aunt Rose had done.
She would not make the Earl of Melville a competent wife, but she was perfect for Julian in every other way. The man who loved adventure and wanted more from life than drawing rooms and port.
When the dance was over, he returned the young miss to her mother and fled in Lainey’s direction.
“Might I have a word with you?” he said quickly.
“Of course.” She followed behind him as he left the ballroom for the terrace.
After looking about to ensure they were alone he turned back to her with a pained expression.
“This is unbearable,” he said. “I can’t do this.”
“Certainly, they can’t all be unsuitable. They were selected because they were made for the duty of being a lord’s wife.”
He shook his head. “No. It’s not them. It’s you. Being here. I can’t move on with any of these women when you are in the room. I look for you instead of being attentive to them. I wish for you. I want you. But I can’t have you, which makes your being at these balls an unbearable torture. Please, Lainey. I beg of you to let me move on with this. Alone.”
She was not hurt by his request. Possibly because she couldn’t be in more pain and still walk under her own power. In truth, she would be grateful to have a respite from watching him move one step further away from her and what they’d had.
She’d known for months that this day would come and she would have to let him go. And now it was time to do just that.
Let him go.
“Very well, my lord. I wish you every happiness, truly.”
“I wish the same for you, Lainey.” He swallowed and looked about as if deciding if he should say something else. But rather than speak he simply bowed.
Tears stung her eyes as she curtseyed and returned inside where she found Aunt Rose and asked to leave.
They were outside waiting for the carriage to be brought around when Lainey’s last thread of control snapped. Tears streamed down her face and she struggled for breath.
“What is it, dear? Are you unwell? Has something happened?”
She knew what it must look like to Aunt Rose. She had reacted similarly the night of her come out, when that horrid boy had called her a stork and Julian had laughed.
“I will be fine, Auntie. I just want to go home.” And stay there indefinitely.
But by the time she arrived home, she realized it would not be far enough.
She needed to go away where she wouldn’t be able to hear of his marriage on the lips of their visitors. She needed to ensure she wouldn’t see him with his new bride as she strolled in the park.
He had called the situation unbearable and it was an apt word.
“I am returning to Egypt,” she announced the next morning at breakfast. “Today.”
Her uncle’s head snapped up as Aunt Rose gasped.
“But I will not be able to return until after the Season when the House of Lords is adjourned,” Uncle Henry said.
“I understand. I wish to go alone.”
“Why? What has happened? You were so distraught when we left the ball last night. Did someone say something to upset you?”
“No.” She let out a breath, feeling the pain in her chest and considered her answer. “That is, nothing was said last night that I didn’t already know. But it is of no matter and doesn’t change the fact that I wish to return to Africa as soon as possible. It is surely no surprise to either of you to learn I am more comfortable in the desert than in a ballroom. Please. I beg of you to let me go.”
“I shall go with her,” Aunt Rose said as she rested a hand on Lainey’s shoulder.
Her aunt must have seen her pain. Aunt Rose may not have been a mother herself, but she had cared for Elaina longer than her own mother had. Lainey was so lucky to have both her aunt and uncle. She now understood how they must feel for each other.
She couldn’t be the reason they were apart for even a moment.
“No, Auntie. You don’t want to leave Uncle Henry here alone. He needs you. I will hire a chaperone. Not that my reputation matters at all.” Her chin trembled and her resolve to be stoic snapped. “Who cares if I have a proper chaperone when I am otherwise improper.”
Uncle Henry looked at his wife in stark fear. “What is happening?”
But it was Lainey who answered before Aunt Rose could.
“What is happening is that Lord Melville is going to choose a bride and marry, but it can’t be me, because I never attended finishing school. Instead, I was dragged about the world digging with my hands in the dirt and getting all these bloody freckles. Why couldn’t you have at least seen that I wore a blasted bonnet in the sun so I might one day be a bleeding countess?”
To say she had shocked them was an understatement. They sat there in complete silence with mouths gaping.
She would need to apologize for yelling at them as well as accusing them of thwarting her opportunities. It wasn’t their fault. She was grateful she had such kind people to love her after she’d lost her parents. Freckles or no.
“I’m going to pack,” she announced. “I’ll send word to Girard that I will be joining his team shortly. I’ll see to getting passage on the next available ship.” She left the room as more tears overflowed.
As expected, Aunt Rose entered her bedchamber a half hour later and sat in the chair by the window. She had probably been counting down the minutes in an effort to give Lainey enough time to calm down before approaching her.
“I’m so sorry, Aunt Rose. I shouldn’t have shouted at you and Uncle Henry the way I did. I sounded like a spoiled, ungrateful child, but I’m most grateful for the two of you. Please forgive me.”
“There is nothing to forgive, love. And nothing to feel grateful about either. Opening our home and our hearts to you was the easiest thing we’ve ever done. You are ours.”
She stood and stared out the window down to the gardens.
“Do you remember how much Henry and I used to spoil you before your parents were taken from us?”
She shook her head as she tried to remember… before.
She’d been eleven when they died. Old enough to have many memories of them. But often she only recalled the night they died when she thought of that life.
But now that Rose mentioned it, she did recall the many times her mother and father ventured to Darlington Hall for Christmas. All the gifts waiting under the tree for her to open.
“You must know I am not leaving because of you or uncle.”
“I know that, dear.” Rose came and wrapped Lainey in her loving embrace. “I’ve known for some time how you felt about the earl. I could see it in the way you looked at him.”
“He needs to marry a woman who will be a proper countess, and I do not qualify.”
“It doesn’t mean you have to leave. You may think running away will ease the pain, but there is no escaping a broken heart. At least here, you have us.”
Lainey considered the suggestion but thought of how horrible it would be to see Julian after he married and know he could never be hers. At least if she fled England, she would be sure not to have to see him again.
She would surely be too busy to think of him.
It had to be easier this way.