Chapter 20
Shay-Lee
T he early noon sun baked me alive, even as I stayed under the shade. With my eyes closed, I tried blocking out the street noises and focusing on my breathing, which wasn’t working because the second I’d lost focus on where I was, my mind immediately brought me back to last night and Camilo—
“There you go.”
Jordan’s deep voice intruded my fresh memory, and I blinked my eyes open.
“What’s that?” Adjusting my sunglasses to sit better on my nose, I eyed the paper plate he was offering me and the sticky-looking food on top of it.
“Banana roti. I got it from there.” He pointed over his back at one of the food stands.
Jordan wanted a change of scenery from resting all day by the pool, so after he finished working out this morning, we went for a day trip outside the resort to some local markets. It could have been nice if not for the heat, moisture, and all the people.
“It looked good, so I bought some.” He picked one sticky fried square from the plate and took a bite. “Fuck, it’s so good, baby.” He groaned before offering me the other half. “Try it.”
Not in the mood to eat, I grimaced and pushed it away. “Nah. I’m not hungry.”
Shrugging, he finished the bite before looking around. “Where you wanna go next? I read online that some of the best pad thai in the world is in a nearby market.”
“I want to go back to the room,” I said with a yawn, not giving a shit about some noodles. “I’m tired.”
“Really?” He frowned, and I nodded.
“Yeah. I slept like shit.” I wonder why.
Taking another square and finishing it in two big bites, he shrugged. “Well, I slept so well I can’t even recall how I got to our room.” A short laugh erupted from him. “Those cocktails really got me.”
If only he knew.
“I told you not to drink so much.” I really am a shameless liar. “Anyway, I think I’m going back to the hotel.”
Jordan’s brows drew inward before he gave me a disappointed look. “But there’s still so much for us to see.” Reaching for my hand, his fingers softly caressed me. “You just need to get something into your system,” he said, letting go of my hand only to take another piece of that pastry. “Just take a bite, and you’ll see how much energy all this sugar will give you,” he joked and tried bringing the stupid food to my mouth. Unwillingly, I parted my lips and took a bite. Just as I expected, it was too damn sweet, and I immediately spat it out on the ground.
“Overreacting much?” Jordan glared while I coughed to clear my throat.
“I hate bananas.”
“You’re so grumpy today,” he joked before he eyed me with a warm smile. “You have some cream left here.”
Without any warning or consent, he brushed his finger over the corner of my lip to wipe the sauce away. While it was a normal gesture between a couple, my skin froze at his touch, and I immediately thought of last night when Camilo brought his cum-soaked fingers to my mouth. My heart rate increased, and before I realized what I was doing, I snapped.
“Don’t touch me!” I yelled, pushing Jordan’s hand away and causing him to drop the plate. I didn’t mean to react like that, but I panicked.
Even now, my heart was racing, my skin hot.
“What’s wrong with you?” He frowned, and his accusing tone rubbed me the wrong way.
“I told you I’m tired like a thousand times already, and you keep ignoring me,” I huffed.
Jordan’s jaw dropped before his brows knitted close. “You’re acting weird.” He bent down to pick up the food I made him drop, and I noticed the veins bulging on his hands.
“So I’m weird now?” I snarled.
“I said you’re acting weird, Shay-Lee.” He rose back up, the plate in his hands.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“That you’ve been cold the whole morning, and now, you’re acting like a crazy person because I offered you banana roti.” He tossed the plate into a nearby garbage can and then wiped his hands over his pants. And while he did, in fact, have a point about me acting cold the whole day and that now I was making a scene out of nothing, I couldn’t stop the anger that erupted out of me the next second.
“Crazy? Did you actually just call me crazy?” I shouted, using this excuse to get angry at him while I was angry with myself.
“Shay-Lee—”
“I thought you knew what you signed up for.” I shoved my finger at his chest.
“It’s not what I meant, babe.” He attempted to hold my hand when I pushed him away.
“I don’t give a shit.” I bit my lip as I tried wheezing some air into my burning lungs. “You know what? My crazy mind needs a break. So I’m gonna go.”
His eyes widened, and he stepped closer. “To where?”
“Doesn’t fucking matter.” I turned around. “Don’t you dare follow me, or I’ll fucking snap, Jordan.”
He tried saying something, but I didn’t care to listen and only walked faster. Jordan didn’t deserve to be treated like this, as he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He was perfect, while I was a piece of low-life, selfish shit that completely stomped all over him. What’s new? It had been the same fucking story since he first came into my life with a huge-ass debt that needed to be paid and a hopeless crush I used for my own benefit. Now was no different, and I used his affection in an attempt to cover up how lonely I’d been after Camilo left. Like a parasite, I sucked on his love to keep me alive without stopping to think about what I was doing to him .
Me. Me. Me. It was always about me, and I was sick and tired of being this selfish.
“Shit,” I hissed, biting my lip and increasing my steps. I had to get the hell out of here before he came after me and asked for another explanation of why I was acting like a crazy person.
Because I cheated on you while you slept right next to me.
Just thinking about it made my head hurt because how fucked-up could I be? I allowed my ex to jerk me off right next to my sleeping fiancé. I was a sick man, and I couldn’t blame anyone other than myself for being this twisted. On top of all, I was a liar, just like I’d always been. Back in high school, I didn’t bat an eye before lying to him, but now? Now, it killed me. Or, at least, I wanted to think it killed me. The truth was I’d been lying to Jordan ever since Camilo came back into my life and long before that.
If I were honest for one second, I’d admit that I never moved on from Camilo. It was impossible to move on because that man had embedded himself into my fucking DNA. How had he managed to do it in the few months we’d been together? I had no fucking clue, but it didn’t matter. Camilo was in my veins and being, and the only reason he and I weren’t together right now wasn’t because of Jordan but because of my anger. Still furious with him, it was hard for me to see beyond that rage, while deep down, I knew it was only a matter of time before all that resentment and wrath would melt.
Looking down at my hand, my eyes latched on my ring. The one Jordan gave me and meant so little to me. My throat dried with the thought because I wished I cared for him a fraction of what I felt toward Camilo. I wished I wasn’t so selfish and stupid to repeat the same mistakes over and over. But mostly, I wished for Camilo to just tell me the damn truth of why he’d left so I could fucking forgive him already.
My first intention was to go back to the resort because I did want to catch a few hours of sleep. I also thought I knew the way back, but as it turned out, I had no idea where I was going and concluded that parting ways with Jordan in the middle of a busy market in a foreign country might not have been my brightest moment. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was lost, but looking around, I was pretty sure I’d been to this crossroad at least three times already.
I pulled out my phone to call Jordan and ask him to track me down, only to find out my battery had died. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I grunted and shoved the useless device back in my pocket. I knew some people found pleasure in hiking alone and exploring the hidden secrets of the world, but I was not one of those idiots. I wanted a bubble bath, twenty-four-hour room service, and luxury on top of luxurious.
I’m a spoiled brat and ain’t ashamed to admit it.
Since waiting for a knight in shining armor to come and save me was pointless, I had decided to take the initiative. Looking ahead, I saw a small souvenir booth with a nice-looking old woman working there.
“Hello, miss,” I told her with a polite smile once reaching her booth, my eyes quickly scanning the cheap crap she was selling. “Do you know in what direction the White Lagoon Resort is?”
She narrowed her eyes at me.
“Do you speak English?”
She shook her head.
Oh, crap .
“White Lagoon?” I repeated the word louder and slower like every idiotic tourist did in the hope it would suddenly break the language barrier and searched her table for something white when I spotted a shell. “White Lagoon.” I pointed at the white shell, and finally, she nodded.
Thank God.
Pleased we managed to communicate despite it all, I glanced around when she gave me something. Looking at my hand, I saw the same shell I’d pointed at.
“What?” I frowned at her.
She held five fingers in the air.
“I don’t want to buy it from you,” I sighed. “I need directions .” Spotting a map on her booth, I pointed at it. “Directions.”
She moved to grab the map, probably to sell it to me, too. Deciding it was pointless as I didn’t speak Thai and she couldn’t speak English, I reached for my wallet. At least I could pay for her wasted time.
She reached for my money but suddenly paused with her eyes focusing behind me.
“What’s wrong?” I snarled, then turned to see what she was staring at, only to find Camilo standing there. My temperature spiked, and I narrowed my eyes on his stupid grin.
Fucker .
“What are you buying?” he asked, taking a step to stand right beside me.
“None of your business,” I spat, giving him the cold shoulder while paying the lady, who kept looking at Camilo as if he was some sort of a god .
The fuck?
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to buy a present,” he said, looking at her booth before he picked up a small elephant charm, like the ones you attach to your phone. “How much?”
The lady raised seven fingers in front of her while giving Camilo a big smile.
She didn’t smile like this at me. Rude .
“Why do you even need that crap?” I frowned at him when he pulled out a few bahts.
“A gift for a friend.”
“Which friend?”
While I continued to glare at Camilo, the lady wrapped the phone charm in a small bag.
“A cute kid that’s keeping an eye on my cat for me while I’m here.”
My eye twitched at the word cute .
“You’re lying.”
Taking the purchase from the lady, Camilo turned to me and shrugged. “Not at all. His name’s Oro, and he’s a dancer at the club.”
Oh, so he was friends with whores. That’s good to know.
“I’m glad you had time to make friends while you were gone,” I hissed and began walking away from the booth when he followed me.
“You’re jealous?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
“Should I be jealous?”
Camilo pursued his lips. “He’s a five-foot-nine twink with big green eyes and pouty lips. You tell me.”
Pushing the uneasy feeling his words forced on me, I huffed. “Sounds like a creature.”
“He’s actually really pretty.”
This man had no shame. And while I knew Camilo was doing it just to mess with me, the fact he knew another man’s eye color annoyed me. My chest tightened with jealousy, and at the same time, my throat was sore with my need to cry. I was fucking pissed and exhausted, and he was only making the situation worse.
“Fine. Then go buy him more shit—”
“You’re prettier,” he said, cutting me off and grabbing my arm. “Like, a whole other level of prettier.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I cleared my throat with a cough before looking up to meet his eyes. Eyes so beautiful that they overruled my judgment yesterday.
“You crossed the line last night,” I said, my voice rough.
Camilo’s lips pulled into a dark smile. “If I recall correctly, we crossed it together.” He slipped his hands from my arm down to my elbow and underneath the sleeve of the loose shirt I wore.
His touch tickled me, only increasing the rage that took over me in an instant. He was so damn full of himself, and it pissed me the fuck off. But it wasn’t just anger twisting my insides but hurt. Disappointment in him acting in such a smug way.
“The you back then would have never done something like this.”
He tightened his hold on me, pulling me closer. “Well, the me back then wasn’t as desperate.”
And while his words did flatter me in a way because I was a sick fuck who loved knowing this man would do just about anything to have me, it didn’t excuse him from what he did last night, and that was to exploit sex in order to get what he wanted.
“No, Camilo. You would have never used sex against me,” I said through a sore throat.
The way he so effortlessly took advantage of my weakness to him was why I felt so dirty after we were finished. What killed me wasn’t the cheating or him drugging Jordan with sleeping pills, even though it should have been, but the fact he, of all people, used sex in order to get something out of me. He treated me the same way so many others had, and that couldn’t be seen as something legit .
The second those words left my mouth, Camilo’s brows pulled so close a crease formed between them. “What the fuck are you saying?” he hissed, clearly hurt. “You agreed to it.” His fingers gripped me harder. “I specifically asked—”
“I will always agree to you,” I snapped. “Don’t you get it by now?” Not minding the busy street around us, I kept my eyes on him and went on. “When it comes to you, I have no fucking limits, Camilo. There’s not a line I wouldn’t cross, no law I wouldn’t break… so it’s your fucking job to be the responsible one.” Suddenly, my voice broke, and I pressed my fist to his wide chest. “It’s your job to be different from them.” I hit him, but not for real, as tears began blurring my vision.
Camilo wasted no time before pulling me into his arms. But instead of calming me down, his hug only made it worse. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying, and yet, I couldn’t stop sobbing.
“I’m so sorry, Llorón.” He kissed the top of my head while running his fingers through my hair. As he did that, he mistakenly brushed the scar left on the side of my head from the surgery I’d gotten five years ago, the one they did due to the bleed in my brain. Apparently, the day I was attacked, whoever did that pounded my head so many times it split open. And while Camilo didn’t say a word about this new scar, I noticed how he lingered on it, as if he was memorizing this new part of me. Well, there were many scars that had been added to my body in the time he was gone, including the one on my heart.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” he whispered, then kissed me again. “ Lo siento jodidamente, mi amor .”
Mi amor. It was the closest to a love confession he’d ever spoken out loud, and somehow, it was enough to help me calm down.
Sniffing, I took a deep breath and pulled back from his hug. “Just promise not to do it again,” I muttered, then brushed away my tears. Crying like a baby out of fucking nowhere was so embarrassing.
Cupping my face in his hands, Camilo nodded. “I won’t. And from now on, I’ll wait for you to come to me first. ”
That made me frown because he had gotten the wrong idea. “I’m not going to do that.”
“And why’s that?”
“Why?” I huffed and lifted my left hand between us so my ring would be as clear as day. “Have you forgotten about this?”
Only Camilo didn’t bat an eye and instead pushed my hand out of his way before leaning closer. “This ring means as little to you as the man who you got it from, so don’t you dare wave that crap in my face.”
His tone awoke all of my darkest desires, and while I agreed I wasn’t in love with Jordan, it didn’t mean I could stomp all over his feelings.
“He’s a good man, Camilo, and I don’t want to hurt him.” Breaking our stare, I looked down at the ground, remembering how I’d already broken Jordan’s heart once. “I can’t keep hurting him.”
“But you’re fine hurting me?”
Taking a deep breath, I looked around. “Can we not have this conversation here? In the middle of the street?”
“When I tried taking you on a nice date to talk , you left me to drown. So I guess a stinky street is what we’re left with,” he hissed.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Rolling my eyes, I turned my back to him and started to walk when he followed me.
“Stop running away, Shay-Lee.”
“You mean like you did four years ago?”
“I didn’t run away.”
That made me laugh. “Oh, really? So what did you do? Went on a cruise, maybe?”
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me back and forced me to face him. At least now, we no longer stood in the middle of the street but by some fence. On the other side of it was the beach.
“I had things to do,” he said, his voice slowly getting lower until he quieted down, probably because he realized he sounded like a moron .
“You had things to do?” Looking aside at the ocean, I snorted. “You’re so pathetic, Camilo. So fucking pathetic—”
“Oh, and he’s not?” he cut me off.
“Maybe he is, but at least Jordan is a good man. Unlike us.”
Now, it was his turn to laugh, and my eyes snapped to his.
“Again with that crap?” His brows pulled close as he let go of me. “He’s not a good man, Shay-Lee. He’s a coward and a liar. Did you forget how he lied in my trial?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “It might not have been his best moment, but—”
“Not his best moment?” A broken laugh escaped him. “He spoke for almost an hour on what an abusive man I was.”
“He didn’t mean anything bad by it.”
“The fuck?” Camilo frowned so hard a vein popped in his temple. “He claimed he saw me hitting you the night of the party our classmate held. You know, the one he suddenly showed up to out of nowhere? That same night he found out about us .” He shook his head. “Did you ever stop to think about his timing and how convenient it was for him to appear right after your dad beat the shit out of me?”
Since I wasn’t present for the trial itself, I didn’t know all of the details of how it went. After Camilo left, going back to watch videos of the trial was too painful, so I didn’t. The only thing I knew was that Jordan had lied in his testimony, and I only knew about it because of Soren. For some reason, he never quite liked Jordan, yet he didn’t push me too hard on the subject. And while what Camilo just said did sound like an odd coincidence, that’s all that it was. A coincidence .
“Jordan had nothing to do with my dad.” There was no question about that. “And when he lied about you hitting me at the party, maybe he was drunk that night and confused things?” I said, trying to think of a reasonable explanation. “He was going through a hard time.”
Camilo’s eyes then went wide, like something had snapped inside him. “He went through a hard time?” he snarled. “I was thrown into jail, Shay-Lee.” His tone hardened. “I was locked for months in a cell that smelled of sewage and slept on a mattress stained with piss and blood while being beaten by men your father sent, for you to tell me fucking Jordan went through a hard time?”
His hoarse voice stung my heart, his words twisting my guts as I was filled with shame. This was the first time Camilo had said anything about what he went through in jail, and to be honest, I was so invested in myself and my own anger that I didn’t stop to think about it. While I was lying unconscious in a hospital, Camilo was going through hell of his own.
Out of words, because I knew a simple “sorry” wouldn’t do it, I stayed quiet with my legs rooted to the ground.
I heard him sigh before he turned around and took a few steps away from me.
“You know what the hardest part was?” he then spoke, and I looked up to see him staring at me.
I shook my head.
“The hardest part was the first few weeks, where I had no idea if you were even alive.” He paused as if speaking physically hurt and closed his eyes. “It ruined me. Living on this earth, not knowing if you were still alive or not. It fucking destroyed me.”
By now, my vision had blurred with tears, and I fought hard not to cry again . While he did leave without a word, during the time he was gone, there wasn’t a second where I doubted if he was alive. In fact, I knew he was, as I sent a private investigator to track him down.
His jaw tensed before he averted his eyes away from me and took a deep breath. “I wanted to die so bad that I almost did it.”
My heart stopped, and horrified, his confession made me feel like the floor dropped away beneath me, leaving me in free fall. Knowing what suicide meant to him after the things he went through with his mother as a child only made his statement hit harder. Learning that he’d ever considered taking his life shocked me to my core, but at least I could relate to it. His shocking words also helped me understand that I wasn’t the only one who was still hurting. And if I loved this man as I claimed to, I couldn’t just let his suffering slide.
And the truth was that in those years he was gone, I might have felt lonely, but I wasn’t alone. I had Soren and Blaire, while Camilo had no one but the demons of his past. The mere thought of it broke my heart to pieces.
“I’m hungry,” I said.
Confusion overtook his features. “What?”
“I haven’t eaten all day, and I’m starving.” I flipped my hair back. “Take me to eat.”
Camilo’s shock slowly melted into amusement, and his lips turned up. “What are you hungry for?”
“Anything but bananas.”