Chapter 39
Diesel
“T he person you are calling is unavailable. Please try again—”
“Fuck!” I shouted and threw my phone over the bed after I was sent to voicemail for the twentieth time.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I walked around the apartment while trying to calm my breathing. My chest was tight with nerves as unsettledness pricked at my stomach. Where the fuck could he be? Shay-Lee was supposed to be home nearly two hours ago, and yet, he was nowhere to be found. He didn’t answer any of my calls or texts, and it was seriously freaking me out. He wasn’t at work, as it was the first place I checked, or in any hospital, which I also called just in case. I had no idea where he was, and it felt like I was thrown back to graduation day, when I tried calling him but he didn’t pick up. Right now, I had the same gut-wrenching feeling that made my whole body feel like an exposed nerve.
An idea came to my mind, and I grabbed my phone from the bed. My fingers hit the screen almost violently as I typed in Chief’s number, and I bit on the tip of my nail until the old bastard picked up .
“Diesel—”
“I need to speak with Soren, but I don’t have his number,” I said, cutting Chief off before he could slide a single word in.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, and fuck , I didn’t have the patience for it.
Closing my eyes, I squeezed the bridge of my nose. “Please, I just need to speak to him.”
“Yeah, of course. Just a second.” Chief went silent, and I could hear the voices of children in the background and some muffled sounds until Soren spoke.
“Hello?”
“Is Shay-Lee with you?”
“No, why?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
And while nothing was alright since I had no fucking idea where Shay-Lee was, I didn’t want to involve Soren or anyone else yet . It was my job to take care of him, not theirs, and since I already struggled with the fact so many people filled my place while I was gone, I couldn’t ask for any of their help.
“Yeah, it is…” I scratched my neck, which somehow felt itchy. “Actually, I just remembered he told me he’s going out with some coworkers,” I lied. “Anyway, thanks.” Not waiting for a comeback, I hung up.
I looked down at my phone, my eyes focusing on my wallpaper, which was a photo I’d taken of Shay-Lee not so long ago. Hugging Toro, he kissed his nose while wearing his hair in adorable space buns. My heart ached as worry filled my gut. Everything was fine when we met for lunch today. It was more than fine, actually. It was perfect. So what the fuck happened between then and now that made him vanish? My heart stopped when a single name came to my mind.
Dion .
Without thinking twice, I dashed to the kitchen and opened the cabinet. Ever since the incident that happened weeks ago, I’d kept my gun here. It took me a second to track it, and as I pulled it out, the image of Shay-Lee being taken by Dion’s men flashed through my mind.
“I’m going to kill that motherfucker,” I hissed as I checked the gun to see it was loaded. Why would Dion suddenly kidnap Shay-Lee? I had no fucking idea, but it was the only thing that made sense. The French fucker always hated my guts, and maybe all this “I’m setting you free” bullshit was just one big scam to catch me with my guard down.
A crashing noise came from behind me, and I turned around, gun pulled out and aimed at—Toro?
Shit . So fucking paranoid I nearly mistook my damn cat for something, or someone , else. I looked down at the floor to see he’d pushed one of my plant pots from the windowsill, and the thing had smashed. Hence the noise . Considering what had just happened, maybe I should wait a bit longer before knocking on Dion’s door with a loaded gun. With a sigh, I placed the gun on the counter, then went to clean up Toro’s mess.
I was in the middle of picking up the pot’s shards when my phone rang, and to my shock, it was Shay-Lee. My heart stopped, and I quickly dropped everything to get the call.
“Llorón?” I said, out of breath, as I worried it was someone else using his phone. As the silence grew, my anxiety rose, and I felt like dying. Holding the phone tighter, I pressed it to my ear. “Shay-Lee, are you there?”
“Yes.”
The sound of his voice was like a breath of fresh air, and I sighed with relief. “ ?Gracias a Dios! ” I muttered with my eyes closed before getting a grip. “You scared the shit out of me, not picking up.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, and his voice sounded… off.
“Are you on your way home?”
“No.”
My heart dropped .
“Where are you?” I asked, and all I got in response was more silence. Gritting my teeth, I held the phone harder. “Llorón, tell me where you are. I’ll come to you.”
I doubted I’d ever ridden my bike this recklessly in my life before, but I did whatever I needed in order to get here as fast as possible. Leaving my helmet on the bike, I dashed through the metal gates, not caring about a thing until I saw him with my own eyes.
I replayed my memory from the last time he took me here as I ran uphill and between the rows of graves until I spotted him from afar, standing with his back to me.
Out of breath, I called out his name, yet he didn’t turn around and remained standing still. Something was clearly off, but at least he looked fine. Right ?
“For God’s sake, Shay-Lee, what are you doing here?” I asked once I reached him. But instead of answering me, he kept silent, his eyes locked on his mother’s tombstone. This was getting scarier by the second, and so I stole a glance at his face, only to see his eyes were bloodshot red and his cheeks stained with traces of dried tears.
“Why are you crying?” I placed my hand on his shoulder and tried turning him to face me, but he slapped my hand away.
“Don’t touch me!” he screamed and stepped back.
The place where he hit me stung with rejection, and shocked, I stared at him while holding my wrist. “What’s going on?”
“Do you remember telling me you killed a man the last time we were here?” he asked, out of nowhere, eyes locked on that damn grave.
Feeling like I was on trial again, standing in front of the jury, I nodded.
“Yes.” It seemed like my answer didn’t please him, and afraid of where this was going, I went on. “You said you didn’t care. You said you didn’t care who it was.”
Finally, Shay-Lee moved his eyes to look at me, and what I saw in them wasn’t love but… fear . It crushed my heart, and unable to bear it, I looked at the ground, just like the coward he once claimed me to be.
“I did say that, but then again…” His voice slowly died, and I hoped he wouldn’t speak the words I feared so much, but then he did. “You never said it was him .”
Every bit of me turned cold, and I fisted my hands until my nails dug into my flesh while trying to hold myself together. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but all I knew was that if I looked up to see his eyes again, I’d break apart. Therefore, I kept my head down like a beaten mutt.
“How did you find out?” I rasped through my sore throat.
A moment later, something hit my shoe, and I bent down to pick up a flash drive from the ground.
“Someone left this for me,” he said while I examined the black chip. “I still feel sick just thinking about what I saw—” His voice cracked, and he swallowed a sob before going on. “It’s a film. A film of you… a film of you butchering my dad, Camilo.”
Even though I’d already figured that much, it didn’t stop my body from shuddering with immense dread. My brain was in such a mess that I couldn’t even care that I was apparently filmed at the time. More importantly, who gave this to Shay-Lee?
“Who did you get this from?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he snarled, his voice pinning me on the spot.
Fear settled in my bones like ice, and I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” he asked and stepped closer until his shoes nearly bumped mine. “You’re sorry for killing him?”
Struck by guilt, I only bowed my head lower, but Shay-Lee… he wouldn’t have it and instead ducked down to look at me. “Speak up, Camilo.”
I raised my stare just a bit to meet his wild eyes, and the pure disgust that glistened in his blue irises was the embodiment of my worst fears .
“He deserved to die—”
“Not like this,” he cut in, brows creasing into a deep frown as pain crossed his features. “Nobody deserves to die like this.”
He allowed his words to fully sink in before attempting to move, and afraid of this distance growing between us, I stretched forward and grabbed his arm.
“He raped you,” I tried justifying my crimes as I pulled him closer. “That vile creature raped you for years—”
“He was my father!” He pushed me away and released himself from my hold.
The word father echoed in my head, showing me images of my own old bastard on top of Christian’s. The truth was, that damn word meant nothing. They didn’t deserve to be called fathers.
“That doesn’t make him any less of a monster,” I said in a desperate attempt to make him see me.
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “But it still didn’t give you the right to kill him.”
A sudden jolt of anger took over me, and I frowned. “So what the fuck was I supposed to do, huh? To let him live? To allow this demon to keep abusing you?” I raised my voice until my throat hurt, but not even that was enough to express the storm of emotions that swirled inside me.
“It was my punishment to bear. Not yours.”
“Bullshit!” I screamed, then pointed at myself. “You’re mine, Shay-Lee. Whatever he did to you—fuck.” I squeezed my eyes shut as I fought back my tears. “You never seemed to care when I told you what I did to Carmen’s rapist. You encouraged it, even, so why not now?”
“I’m not your sister.” The coldness with which he delivered those words made me open my eyes and stare at him. His brows were knitted together, his jaw clenched. “I’m sorry about what happened to her, and I’m sorry if in your mind, she and I somehow mixed together because we’re defenseless rape victims. But I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for this type of sickening revenge. ”
My breath caught in my throat with his allegations, and I took a step back while recalling our plans from years ago. “What about what we planned back then? You yourself wanted Dion to end your dad.”
Anger crossed his face. “ Dion . I wanted Dion to end him, not you, and besides—” He covered his mouth with his hand. “—we were just stupid kids back then. We plotted an idiotic plan that would have never worked, and it didn’t. It failed. It failed miserably.” He shifted his weight between his legs, and my eyes latched on his ankles. The two ankles he got crushed because of the same monster he was now protecting.
It made me see red.
“So what the fuck were we supposed to do?”
“Nothing,” he hissed, and the hostility in his voice felt like a bite from a poisonous snake. “If you would have stayed put, he would have stood trial and got the punishment he deserved.”
“Oh, please.” I mocked this euphoric idea he came up with. “As if that would have ever happened.”
“Soren said we’d send him to jail!” He argued with such innocence.
“Oh, wonderful.” My lips curled with spite. “Since Soren said it, then it must be true, right?” I got closer to him so I was right in his face. “Soren couldn’t even get me out of jail, Shay-Lee. If it weren’t for Dion’s help, my ass would still be rotting in that damn place.”
His eyes widened as if he’d just put together the last part of the puzzle, and he glared at me with an open mouth. “T-that’s the deal you made with him,” he spoke quietly, as if only to himself, before a choked laugh escaped him, and he turned his back to me.
“Shay-Lee—”
“You told me Dion helped you in exchange for you working for him. Was that it? He helped you kill my dad in exchange for five years of your life?”
That was exactly it. And at the time, it felt right, but now… now I wished I’d never taken that offer, as it brought me nothing but pain and suffering .
“Tell me this isn’t true.” He turned around as I stepped toward him. “Tell me this isn’t the deal you made with him.” He shoved me.
I opened my mouth to speak, to explain to myself and him how this was the only thing that made sense at the time, only my words didn’t come out, and instead, “Llorón—”
“Fuck!” he shouted as he pushed me with all of his force, enough to make me trip back and fall on my ass.
I hit the ground hard, but it wasn’t the pain from the fall that kept me down but the words that came out of his mouth next.
“You’re so fucking selfish, Camilo,” he cried, and his tears felt like my own. “Time after time, you had the chance to choose better. To be better, but no. You can’t help but ruin your life, can you?”
“That’s rich coming from you.” My voice cracked, and I choked on a sob. “You did some fucked-up shit yourself, Shay-Lee.” I wiped my nose with my dirty palm, still not attempting to get up.
“Yeah, but for as long as we were together, I’ve never chosen someone else over you.” He pointed at himself, and the disappointment on his face made me feel so damn weak.
My bottom lip shivered before I managed to mutter a response. “I didn’t either.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” His eyes searched mine for something as I kept quiet. Eventually, he huffed and gave me the most pitiful look I’d ever received. “You chose him over me.”
“No.” I shook my head. “That isn’t true!”
“But it is,” he screamed. “Blinded by hate, you went after him, not giving a shit I was left behind to fucking drown, Camilo.”
My brows pulled down as I looked up at him, tears in my eyes. “I did it because of you. Only you.”
“No.” His jaw twitched. “You did it because you’re a monster , just like him.”
My heart stopped as pure horror overcame all of my senses. It was, by far, the lowest moment of my life, and somehow, it felt suitable. I knew what I was all along. After all, it took a monster to kill one, right? But then again, I was foolish enough to hope Shay-Lee would still accept me because years ago, in a motel room that stank of piss and mold, he’d promised me that. He told me that some monsters were good , and I believed him. I believed him enough to fight tooth and nail to get back to him. To the one person in this world I thought would love me despite it all, only to be put in my place. It hurt beyond anything I’d ever experienced, and shattered, I broke down. Ugly tears gathered in my eyes as I struggled to keep a clear vision of him. For a minute, I thought I’d just stay here, on this cemetery ground, but the second Shay-Lee made an attempt to walk away, I launched forward and wrapped my arms around his legs, forbidding him from taking another step.
“Please, please don’t leave me,” I begged from the ground like the piece of human garbage I was. “Please, Shay-Lee. I can’t live without you. Not again—”
He tried kicking me, but I only hugged him tighter. If only I’d hugged the other people I loved in my life this hard, maybe I wouldn’t have lost them, too.
“No wonder you have such nightmares,” he then said, voice cold. “With the way you butchered him… I would’ve been scared to be you, too.”
His words were like a punch to the chest, and hurt, I loosened my grip just a bit. It was enough for him to get one of his legs out of my hold. Not giving up, I held the other, and desperate, I kissed it. There wasn’t anything romantic about it, just a pathetic dog smearing his snot and tears over his owner’s leg.
“I thought you hated him, too. I thought you’d want him dead,” I confessed while attempting to ease my breath. I was heaving and wheezing like a beaten beast.
“What I wanted was answers,” he snapped. “Answers to why he did this to me. Answers I’ll never get because of you .”
“Shay-Lee—”
My words were cut off when he kicked me. Really kicked me—right in the ribs. Thrown off guard by the immense pain, I lost my grip on his leg. Taking advantage of the situation, he moved away from me.
“And you know what’s the worst part?” he spoke while I tried to ease air into my burning lungs. “The worst part is that, once again, I had no say in any of this. When he beat the shit out of me, I had no say in it. When he forced himself on me, I couldn’t say no, and when it finally came to punishing him for all that he did to rip my soul apart, my choice was also taken away from me, yet again.” So much rage echoed through his voice, and each of his words felt like another kick to the ribs.
“Fuck you, Camilo. Fuck you for taking my choice away from me.” With that, he turned around and walked away, leaving me behind to cough and cry on the cold ground. Holding on to my side where he kicked me, I turned to my back and screamed. It hurt, it hurt so bad. Not my rib—which he’d probably cracked—but my soul. His love, the same love I thought he’d be able to cure me with, turned out to be the poison killing me from the inside. And yet, I couldn’t stop myself from loving him. I couldn’t stop from wanting him to stomp all over me, if only it would give me another chance.
But you have no more chances. That was true. I’d wasted each card I was dealt, and after years of playing like a fool, I was left with a dead hand. And what was a player with no cards if not a man without a purpose.