Chapter 9
9
DAISY
W hen I wake up, I don’t know where I am for long enough that I’m jumping out of bed with my eyes darting around the room. I blink down at myself and see that I’m naked.
I remember Blake having me take off my clothes and wrapping me in a towel. I must have fallen asleep not long after that.
I grab said towel off the bed and wrap it around me.
‘Do you want some breakfast?’
I whirl around to find Mav leaning against the doorframe. His eyes travel down the length of my body and a tiny voice inside me wishes I knew what he was thinking.
I nod, and then my eyes fly to the clock. I sigh with relief. It’s nine. My first class isn’t for an hour. I have plenty of time.
I nod again.
‘Come downstairs when you’re ready.’
He disappears and I take another quick glance around Blake’s room, again noticing all the trophies from high school science and wrestling. They’re all from Grandview High. That was one of the schools in the ‘bad’ part of the next town over, if I’m remembering right. So Blake is from a poor family. That realization gives me a little more context around his comments in the lab about Daddy Novelle and his wrestling scholarship.
We’re both doing what we have to for our futures and each of us wish things were different. Our similarities surprise me a little. I didn’t think we had anything in common and it makes me feel a sort of connection to him now that I understand him a little better. He’s still an asshole, but I don’t hate him.
I wonder what else happened last night. I thought the deal meant ... but maybe I got it wrong. I take stock of my body. Nothing hurts except my back when I pay attention to it and I frown a little as I make my way across the hall to my room. I’d know if he’d done anything monumental to me while I was asleep, wouldn’t I?
I throw on another pair of jeans and decide a minute later that I don’t like the way they feel as much as the ones from yesterday. Unfortunately, those are probably still damp and lying on Blake’s floor.
Putting on a shirt, I stick my head inside his room, but my clothes aren’t where I remember dropping them. I sigh, hoping I don’t find them outside in the mud later. I just did laundry the other day.
I put on the new jeans again and try to ignore the tightness around my thighs as I slip my feet into my boots. I go downstairs. There’s a plate and a glass of juice on the breakfast bar.
Mav gives me a smile and my eyes are riveted to his face. He’s never smiled at me before. I find myself grinning back.
‘Take a seat. Sleep okay?’
‘Yeah,’ I say and then give his back a rueful look because he found me in Blake’s room. He probably thinks the most logical scenario took place .
He turns back to face me with a frying pan in his hand and drops a large pancake on my plate. ‘Butter and syrup are there.’
I sit down in front of the plate and pour some syrup into it, trying to think of when I last had an honest to God, American pancake. I was probably eleven or twelve. I look up at Mav who’s watching me and I suddenly wonder if he’s thinking about whose bed I was sleeping in last night.
‘We didn’t do anything,’ I blurt. ‘At least, I don’t think we did.’
‘Blake told me you fell asleep.’ He tilts his head to the side. ‘He wouldn’t do anything to you while you’re unconscious if that’s what you’re worried about. Even he has his limits.’
I nod, realizing that I was worried.
‘Okay,’ I say quietly.
I cut up my pancake in silence and eat it quickly, conscious of the passing minutes.
‘Thanks,’ I say, moving to get up.
He picks up the orange juice and plants it in front of me. ‘Don’t forget this.’
‘Oh.’ I empty the glass and put it on the side and he nods.
‘Good girl.’
Those words. They make my stomach flip very low down.
I blink at him, trying to make sense of whatever this new feeling is.
‘You’re blushing,’ he murmurs.
‘Oh.’ I’m not sure what that means.
Confused, I turn away and I’m sure I hear him chuckle as I walk to the stairs. I’m deep in thought as I climb them and go to my room. I find my notebook and a pen, and I glance out the window as I leave, happy to see that although it’s a little cloudy, it isn’t raining. I’ll need to buy a jacket soon. I should really have one now, but I’m out of money until I get paid again .
But even then I’ll need that money for the rest of my textbooks, and I estimate that it’ll be at least another four hundred dollars. They’re more important than being a little cold, I decide. I probably won’t notice the chill, but I’ll definitely notice if I can’t do my work because I don’t have the course materials. So will the professors.
My eyes fall on the bank card that Shade gave me. It’s still sitting on my desk, forgotten. He said something about an allowance. I grab it and thrust it in my back pocket. It makes sense for John to foot the bill for my books, he would have had to pay for the English Lit ones anyway.
When I get back downstairs, I find Mav waiting for me at the front door. He hasn’t seen me to my classes since the first week.
‘I thought you weren’t walking me anymore.’
He throws his bag over his shoulder. ‘We’re going to the same building. Seems stupid to go separately.’
‘What class do you have?’ I ask.
‘None. I’m going to the lab.’
He opens the door and I walk into the cold October air, trying not to shiver.
‘The formulas I did for you last night. That was ... what you wanted?’
He nods. ‘Exactly what we wanted. You did a great job on them.’
I beam at him.
‘Look, Daisy, I’m sorry if we were ... that we were such jerks.’
I shrug. ‘I already knew what you thought of me. I’m just glad I was able to meet with Doctor Applegate and he was willing to give me a chance. Otherwise, I’d still be trying to understand why Twelfth Night is considered a comedy.’ I roll my eyes. ‘I barely understand modern jokes, so that was a lost cause. ’
The weird sound that comes from him makes me look, and I realize he’s laughing. I smile, glad on a fundamental level that he thinks I’m funny, though I’ll take that vulnerable realization to the grave.
‘Why were you in English Lit?’ he asks.
I shrug. I don’t want them to know it was John fuckery, so I stick with the admin error story.
‘That’s a hell of a mistake,’ he mutters, and I make what I hope is a noncommittal noise.
We arrive at the Novelle Center and Mav takes me to the lecture hall just off the lobby.
‘Do you have a shift at the coffee place later?’
I shake my head. ‘I wanted to get into the swing of the workload, so I’m not on the schedule until Thursday.’
‘Okay. Come to the lab when you’re done. I wanna show you around properly.’
I nod, feeling almost giddy that, not only do I have access to the lab, but some of the guys are being nice to me. It’s been kind of exhausting trying to keep my wits about me all the time, so that I don’t unwittingly fall into some kind of cruel trap.
But this could still be a trap , a little whisper says, curling through my mind and putting a damper on my mood. I banish it, but I also promise myself that I will go against my nature and not believe everything they tell me. They’re being kind today, but yesterday they weren’t. Nor the week before that and the week before that. I forgive and forget too easily. I know that. It got me into trouble more than once at The Heath, and not just with the staff.
I go inside and take a seat close enough that I can see the screen easily. The lights dim slightly and a thin woman walks into the room. She’s wearing dark pants and a green checkered shirt over a white tank top.
‘Good morning, everyone. ’
There’s a chorus of ‘good morning, Professor McKinsey’s’.
‘Let’s dive right in. In front of you is an equation.’
I look up and immediately begin copying the lines of numbers and letters and symbols into my notebook.
‘You have ten minutes to solve it. The first person who gets the correct answer will get five points of extra credit,’ she raises a brow, ‘that you will be able to use on the final exam.’ There’s a collective ‘ooooooh’ from the lecture hall.
‘That could be the difference between an A and a B, passing this class or failing,’ the professor continues in a sing-song voice.
I scribble on my paper, lost in the patterns.
‘... in this class.’
The voice is very close.
I look up to find a couple of students standing over me and I jump involuntarily. The girl has a high ponytail and is wearing clothes that seem to closely mimic the woman at the front of the room.
My smile is involuntarily. It’s like she trying to ingratiate herself with the professor by dressing like her. There were a couple of residents like that at The Heath, who would take on the characteristics of whoever they were around like sociological camouflage.
‘Are you lost?’ the guys next to her asks me in a friendly and slightly condescending voice; one that I’ve heard adults use on children before.
I blink up at him, taking in his dark hair that’s up in a topknot, and the horn-rimmed glasses. His T-shirt has a band logo on it, and he’s wearing suspenders with a burgundy cardigan around his neck. Guys who look like him come into Grinder with books they’re not really reading so they can talk about them when they approach girls and sound smart. Lu calls them ‘lowlife hipster scum’ but doesn’t make them leave because they drink coffee like it’s ‘going out of fashion’ – also her words. I think he might be one of the guys who comes in, actually, but I can’t be sure because I barely look at their faces.
‘No,’ I say.
‘What’s with the notebook?’
The girl laughs. ‘So retro. Where’s your laptop?’
‘I ...’, don’t have one, ‘forgot it.’
Even I can see the sneers on their faces at my answer and I glance around me. Everyone’s watching our exchange. Who are these two?
‘I haven’t seen you before. What’s your name?’
‘Daisy. Evans. I just transferred here.’
Her lip curls even further.
‘I’m on the social team. I have a list of all the transfers. You aren’t on it.’
She looks smug, as if she thinks I’m lying and she’s caught me out.
‘I changed majors yesterday,’ I mutter.
‘Three weeks in? Really?’ Her tone is disdainful.
She’s actually so blatant in her body language, expression, and voice that it’s quite easy for me to read her. Subtle this girl is not. It would be nice if she wasn’t turning her ire on me and making me the focus of the whole room though.
My hands fall to my lap and I’m glad the small desk in front of me hides them because my fingers are twitching noticeably.
‘Yes,’ I say.
I’m having to force my words out already. My heart is pounding hard.
‘I haven’t seen you in the building before. What was your major yesterday, Daisy ?’ She looks down at me, taking in my appearance. ‘Home Ec? ’
Students around me giggle. I don’t understand the joke, but I know it’s at my expense.
‘Settle down,’ Professor McKinsey says, but she sounds distracted.
I look to the front of the room and see that her nose is buried in her phone. Glancing around, I take note of what the other students are wearing, trying to see why I’ve been singled out by these two physics gatekeepers. But my peers’ clothes aren’t much different to my outfit as far as I can see.
And yet it’s as if they can somehow sense otherness in me.
‘English Lit,’ I force out in a whisper, my eyes prickling.
It reverberates through the room and I realize no one is making a sound. The chatter has dried up. No one’s tapping on their keyboards. Everyone is listening.
The class erupts with laughter, but McKinsey just looks annoyed.
‘Unbelievable,’ she mutters from the front with a small headshake.
I guess it’s safe to say I won’t be getting any help from her.
‘Well, Daisy ,’ the hipster says slowly as if he’s speaking to an idiot. ‘While I’m sure that you’re supposed to be here , there’s a rule. If you’re not ready for class, i.e., you don’t have the equipment necessary with you, then you aren’t permitted to be in the class. It takes away from the experience of the rest of us who actually worked hard to be here. We invite you to leave.’
Students laugh again, and I’m pretty sure I hear someone mutter that I must have snuck into the building on a dare.
‘Isn’t that the girl the rumors are about?’ I hear from behind me. ‘She killed a kid, right? I can’t believe they let her like go to school here. That’s insane.’
I try to ignore the words .
‘Sorry?’ I answer the hipster in a whisper even I can barely hear, my cheeks heating uncomfortably.
‘You heard us. You aren’t ready for the class. How do you think it makes the rest of us feel when you’re not prepared to put in the effort?’ The girl points at the door. ‘You should transfer back into the Arts. You’re clearly not meant for STEM.’
‘But I ...’
‘Go on, Mary Sue.’ The condescending hipster makes a waving motion with his fingers toward me.
It’s Daisy , I think.
‘No, wait,’ the girl says. ‘I have a better idea. What’s the answer to the equation, Daisy ?’
The vitriol she spits at me makes me cringe outwardly.
I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out.
Cue more laughter. Barely keeping it together, I take a deep breath and pick up my notebook. I get out of my seat and walk quickly to the door with my head held high. I pull at it but it doesn’t open. I pull again, harder.
‘It literally says PUSH, genius!’
I push it, mortification running hot through every fiber of my being. I feel tears running down my face as I escape the lecture hall and run straight for the ladies room.
Inside, I try to calm down, but my breathing is too fast and I feel like I’m suffocating. I double over and realize I’m going to be sick. I barely make it into the stall before my masticated pancake comes back up.
I flush and go to the sink, willing my stomach to stop twisting as I wash my face and gulp some water from my hands.
I look at myself.
‘Idiot,’ I whisper. ‘You could literally be the smartest person ever and you’d still be the biggest fucking retard,’ I hiss angrily at my reflection. ‘And you always will be. You don’t even deserve to be here. You should go back to The Heath. That’s where you belong. Everyone thinks so.’
The words satisfy the frustrated side of me that wants to hurt myself, and I close my eyes, clenching my hands and feeling my nails cutting into my palms. The pain grounds me even as more tears leak from my eyes.
It’s not enough.
I back up and push myself against the wall opposite the mirrors, letting my head hit the breeze blocks hard enough to give me a moment’s dizziness. But I don’t do anything else. I learned early on in my time at The Heath that bruises I couldn’t explain meant loss of dessert, or other, worse consequences. They didn’t care about the why, only that there weren’t injuries that showed my inner turmoil. So I learned to get the frustration out without them being any the wiser.
Before I leave the bathroom, I make sure that I look as normal as I can and there are no tears to be seen. I would never give any of them the satisfaction of seeing what they were able to do to me.
‘Are you okay?’
I whirl with a startled cry to find Blake behind me. He looks pissed.
‘I’m going to Applegate,’ he says through clenched teeth.
He was almost kind to me last night. I thought we’d turned a corner. Why would he do this now? To tell him I wasn’t prepared for the lecture? How does he even know about that already?
A mortifying sob escapes me and I turn quickly, intending to run back into the bathroom, but I feel his arm snake around my waist.
‘Hey, hey,’ he says in my ear. ‘It’s okay, Daisy.’
I shake my head and try to extricate myself, hating that anyone is seeing me like this, especially one of them , even as some traitorous piece of me loves the feel of his touch. It grounds me, the smell of him starts to calm me like he’s trustworthy even though I know that isn’t true.
‘Talk to me,’ he says, holding me close.
When I say nothing, just keep trying to escape him without lashing out at him, he sighs and picks me up. He takes me quickly to the bank of elevators and presses the button. It opens a moment later and he walks in, choosing the basement level.
He lets me go once the doors close and I spring away from him, breathing hard and pushing myself into the corner. He takes out his phone and taps at the screen. I close my eyes. It’s over. They’ll tell John about this. Blake can easily see that I lost it in a public setting. There’s almost nothing worse in my stepfather’s eyes, in Stoke’s eyes.
Have to appear normal, have to be normal.
But I’m not normal.
And, despite the hours upon hours of lessons at The Heath, I never will be. I’ll always be an embarrassment, a liability.
The doors open and Mav’s standing on the other side looking in, ready to witness my very public tantrum as well so that they can tell Shade everything in great detail, I’m sure. The thought of the glee my stepbrother will take in relaying to his dad every sordid little thing I say has me letting out a scream of fury through my clenched teeth. He’ll hear about that, too.
At least no one saw me in the bathroom.
At least there’s that.
‘What the fuck happened?’
‘Casey and Bennet,’ is all Blake says.
‘Those fuckers.’ Mav steps into the elevator. ‘I’m guessing McKinsey didn’t notice anything?’
Blake snorts. ‘Doubt it.’
‘Daisy?’ he asks gently .
I look at him.
‘Can you ... talk?’
I just stare, my eyes filling with tears.
‘What do you mean?’ Blake asks.
Mav doesn’t answer him, his attention on me completely.
‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘Come on. Let’s go into the lab. There’s no one else in there.’
He offers his hand, but I shy away from it, already having had enough touching from Blake upstairs. At least that’s what tell myself. I’m actually a little afraid my weird body will love his hands on me, too.
He doesn’t touch me when I move, just follows me to the door that Blake has opened and I go into the lab.
As soon as I’m inside the quiet, enclosed space, I relax a little. The air smells clean and sanitized. I focus on the continuous whirring of the temperature control system as I follow Blake to another door I haven’t been through before. Behind it is a small room with a couch and a kitchenette with a coffee machine on the counter.
No kettle.
I’m led to the couch and I sit down, making sure my back is straight, my shoulders back, my hands in my lap.
I suppose a part of me wants to show them that I’m sticking to the rules, that I can still look normal. Their eyes meet and a look passes between them. I hang my head, shame coursing through me now as well as humiliation.
A minute later, a cup of cool water is put in my hand. I give Mav a small smile and sip it.
‘How long do I have?’ I croak out when I’m calm enough.
They look at each other again.
‘What do you mean?’ Blake asks again.
‘You said you were going ...’ I swallow hard and take another sip of water, ‘to Applegate. How long before John knows everything? ’
Blake sinks down to the sofa next to me.
‘Daisy,’ he shuffles closer. ‘I’m not going to Applegate about you. I’m going to speak to him about McKinsey.’
I glance up at him and then away. I can’t even do the five seconds of eye contact required. God, I’m pathetic.
‘I don’t understand,’ I whisper.
‘She lets Casey and Bennet get away with everything!’ he bursts out, making me quickly move to the other side of the couch away from him.
‘Fuck, Blake. Calm down. You’re scaring her. Tulip, he just means that those two are her star pupils. She lets them do whatever they want. You’re not the only one who’s run out of class because of those two assholes.’
Blake jumps out of the chair and paces. ‘They need a lesson, Mav. We’ve left them alone because they don’t bother us, but you weren’t there, Dude. They made fun of Daisy in front of everyone. They spoke to her like she was a piece of shit. She cried.’
My shoulders curl in. Even if the guys don’t tell John, it’s getting harder and harder to exist here.
This was a pipe dream. I put my head in my hands, wondering if I should just go to the library now to search for nearby cities where I can become a barista and John won’t be able to find me ... if he’s even prepared to put in that kind of effort when I disappear. No, he’ll definitely track me down just to show me that he can. He won’t let me stay out here. He’ll send me back to live out the rest of my years in The Heath.
I realize they’re talking to each other, and I try to zone in and listen.
‘No, I’m telling Applegate. I’m lodging a complaint about them and McKinsey.’
Mav is shaking his head. ‘That’ll just put Daisy in their cross-hairs even more, and she needs that class to graduate. ’
‘You’re not ... going to tell John?’
‘Tell him what exactly?’
I look at Blake. ‘What happened in the hall.’
He stares blankly. ‘What happened in the hall, sweetheart?’
‘I fought you. I was upset. I?—’
‘I don’t understand. Of course you were upset.’
‘That’s right. You don’t understand.’ Fresh tears come to my eyes. ‘I can’t do that stuff. It’s not allowed,’ I whisper. ‘John won’t ... It’s unacceptable behavior .’
They look at each other again.
Blake sighs. ‘Look, I know what I said before but ... We aren’t going to tell anyone. No one saw anything.’
‘You need to be better prepared for class, though, okay?’ Mav says almost gently. ‘You can’t do the work without your laptop.’
I put my head in my hands and heave a breath. ‘I don’t have one.’
‘One? One what?’ he asks.
‘A laptop.’
‘You don’t have a laptop?’ Blake sounds incredulous.
They’re both silent for a moment.
‘It’s okay,’ Blake mutters. ‘We’ll figure it out.’
‘Why are you being so nice to me?’ I blurt.
‘We just ... we like you, okay? You’re with us, now.’
For a second I believe them, but then I remember that I need to stay on my guard. They say things they don’t mean all the time, and they’ll trick me if I let them. My heart sinks oddly.
‘You don’t like me.’ I make myself bark a laugh, so they don’t feel sorry for me. ‘You’re just stuck with me because Applegate made me your lab assistant.’
Mav chuckles. ‘Maybe that, too.’
Blake doesn’t laugh, instead he just looks at me with a weird expression on his face that makes me think he can see right through my act.
I don’t like it.
The last thing I need is an opportunist like him seeing the ways he can hurt me.
I force myself to stand.
‘I have a shift at Grinder,’ I say.
‘I thought you didn’t have any for a couple days,’ Mav says with a frown.
Shit. I did say that.
Keep it together.
‘They called me. Someone’s out sick. They need cover.’
‘We need your number, beautiful,’ Blake says from behind me.
Beautiful?
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Your cell. We don’t have it. Now that we’re ... we need to be able to contact each other.’
‘I ... don’t know my own number,’ I say with a rueful chuckle. ‘I have to go. I’m sorry. But I’ll give it to you later.’
I leave the lab, my lies weighing heavily on me. I’d rather stay with them, surprisingly, but I also don’t want to sit there with them while they start dissecting my words and actions and realize things aren’t marrying up.
It’s bad enough that they know I don’t have a computer. Why did I have to mention a phone call?
I walk to the Quad and see the ATM next to the overpriced sandwich shop. The debit card Shade gave me! I dig it out of my pocket and slot it into the machine. I put in my birthdate: 1003. The pin is incorrect. I frown. I was sure he said it was my birthday, the tenth of March. Oh, March tenth. They do the month first here, not the day. I put in 0310 and push the button to show the balance, hoping that I might be able to buy some more of my books, and maybe a phone so they don’t find out I have nothing to my name at all.
But the account only has six dollars in it and I look down the list of transactions. Two dollars is put in every Monday. That’s it. Why even bother giving me the card?
I glance behind me, almost expecting at the very least for Shade to be there laughing at me. But there’s no one except a small group of girls casting looks at me and, of course, whispering.
Taking the card out with a sigh, I put it back in my pocket. I should have known.
I walk across to Grinder, hoping they need some help because I need the shifts. I’m going to be more than exhausted later and will definitely regret not going back to my room to sit in the quiet, but I need cash. Maybe I can buy an older laptop next month if I do enough hours. I rub my eyes. What am I going to do until then though?
Luckily, the next day I’m able to borrow one of the older laptops I find in the lab in a closet. It’s old and slow and makes some very questionable noises while it’s processing, but it keeps the other students off my back and I don’t have any more run-ins with any of my peers, except for the usual nasty comments I can only just hear, which are easily ignored.
Friday, the day of the first Dagorhir battle rolls around quickly. I walk through the Quad toward the coffee shop for my shift excited and lost in thought. I walk past a group of students by a small coppice of trees, not noticing the foot that comes out of nowhere to trip me.
I fall hard with a cry, narrowly missing hitting my head on a bench by the sidewalk and grazing my hands and knees badly on the cement .
I turn over abruptly to sit on the ground, my heart pounding and my vision hazy.
‘Watch where you’re going, kid killer!’
Laurie’s voice has me wincing. I’ve been trying to stay away from her and her little clone battalion of bitches, but I must have walked right by them.
I get to my feet, swaying a little, and I’m pushed hard in the chest by someone much stronger.
I step backward to catch myself, but fall again, vaguely glad I land in the grass by the trees this time. I glare up at them, fighting my anger. There are six of them, a mix of guys I don’t recognize and three girls that I do.
I want to get up and launch myself at the nearest person. The impulse is almost impossible to ignore.
But I claw back my rational mind when I see at least one phone trained on me. They’re videoing this. It’s a trap.
I look up at the nearest guy. He’s wearing a wrestling sweatshirt. He must be one of Blake’s friends and I try to ignore the pang in my chest. He’s not here, and we’ve been working side by side in the lab all week without a problem. Odds are he isn’t part of this. I hope he’s not.
I realize with dread that this area is out of sight of the buildings because of the trees.
‘Laurie. Jolie. Other clone. Guys I don’t know,’ I greet in a perfect parody of politeness.
I watch the astonishment, surprise, and shock on their faces as I slowly stand up and give them a civil smile. ‘How’s it going?’
Laurie turns away first with a small sound of absolute fury that I revel in as she and the other girls flounce away. The guys, all three of them wearing at least one piece of Richmond Wrestling paraphernalia, stay where they are.
I glance around, hoping there’s someone nearby because I don’t think I want to be alone out here with them. But there’s no one. I swallow hard and draw myself up. I don’t think I can run right now, so if they attack, I’ll be letting out the anger that’s been building since I got here.
‘So,’ I say conversationally, ‘which one of you assholes pushed me the second time?’
They glance at each other. I don’t think they know what to make of me. I need to use that to my advantage while they’re still surprised.
None of them speaks.
‘Oh, well. Doesn’t matter,’ I say airily. ‘Do you want me to say ‘hey’ to Blake for you?’
The eyes of the two at the back bore holes in the head of the third one.
‘You know Blake?’ one of them asks.
All three shift on their feet. They’re uncomfortable. I make a special effort to watch their expressions in real time.
‘Laurie didn’t mention it?’ I ask.
Anger and annoyance clouds all three of their faces. I guess she didn’t.
‘Heard you killed a kid,’ the one at the front blurts out.
Bet he was the one who pushed me after I got up the first time. My chest hurts from it.