Chapter 30
thirty
. . .
REAGAN
The longer I sat in that waiting room, the more one thing became abundantly clear to me: I didn’t belong there.
I wasn’t part of this family.
In fact, I was the reason they currently suffered. I was the reason Aria laid in a hospital bed with her head split open.
I’d never forgive myself for that.
Panic crested higher and higher, choking off my air, blurring the edges of my vision. The walls seemed to be closing in around me, and though I tried my hardest to marshal my breathing, to calm, my heart rate still spiked.
I needed to get out of here.
And fast.
Glancing around the waiting room, I searched for the easiest escape route. Even if I got free without alerting the family, the ranch wasn’t exactly up the street. I was miles from there. Hell, we weren’t even in the same county anymore.
But…we were in Boise, which meant I had Uber at my disposal.
Mind made up, I tapped West on the shoulder. “I’m going to run to the bathroom,” I said, surprising myself when my voice came out even.
He nodded, not worried about me in the slightest. We were, after all, in a hospital.
I did go to the bathroom, but only to be away from prying eyes while I called for a car and got myself together.
Splashing cold water on my face, I met my own wild gaze on the mirror and spoke softly.
“You’re okay,” I assured myself. “You’re fine. Aria is okay. Just get out. Get out and everything will be okay.”
With shaky fingers, I got out my phone, pulled up the Uber app, and booked a car.
The fee to get back to Dusk Valley was astronomical, and I knew my disappearance would send the entire Lawless family into a tizzy, but I couldn’t sit around, acting like nothing was wrong while also serving as a blatant reminder of Aria’s attack.
My ride arrived in under five minutes, the sky a pre-dawn grey.
I quickly snuck out of the hospital, taking one final look at the family.
Finn and Birdie hadn’t yet returned, and the rest of them stood around, chatting, tentative smiles on their faces over the fact that the youngest of them would be okay.
The trip back to Dusk Valley was silent, which was preferable, though as we got closer to the ranch, I did have to speak up to direct the driver to Finn’s house. GPS out here wasn’t entirely reliable.
Once we pulled to a stop in front of Finn’s house, I navigated back into the app, left the driver a hefty tip for taking such a long trip in the middle of the night, thanked him, and headed inside.
The security system beeped insistently when I opened the door, so I quickly typed in the code to disarm it.
Then I armed it once again and walked around the house to make sure all the doors and windows were secure.
Being here alone after what happened to Aria was surely playing with fire, but I wasn’t so reckless as to not ensure I was safe.
Or at least had the illusion of safety.
I hadn’t been living with Finn long, but two weeks was enough that my things were strewn all over the house.
Clothes in the laundry downstairs, toiletries and other personal care products in the guest bathroom.
My favorite coffee mug—the one I’d bought as a souvenir when Lainey and I had visited all those years ago—sat dirty in the kitchen sink, and my laptop, glasses, and an old, dog-eared paperback were strewn across the coffee table in the living room.
I went to the guest room and dug my suitcases out of the closet, throwing my clothes directly from the dresser into the biggest one, not bothering with neatness. I could sort everything when I got to wherever I was going.
I should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy.
“Reagan!”
His voice startled but didn’t surprise me. When the brothers realized I hadn’t come back from the bathroom, Finn would’ve raced home.
Sighing, I sat on the bed with my head in my hands, heels of them digging into my eye sockets. Why hadn’t I moved faster? Grabbed only the essentials and bolted?
“Reagan?” he called again, voice closer now.
I felt it when he appeared in the doorway. The energy in the room shifted, my body so deeply in tune with his, I’d recognize him deaf and blind in a crowd.
“Belle?” he asked softer. “What’s going on?”
I snorted humorlessly. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m leaving.”
“Like hell you are.”
Still refusing to look at him, I got up and headed back to the dresser, kneeling to open the bottom drawer and scoop the clothes out of it.
“C’mon, Finn. We both know I can’t stay.”
“I don’t see why not.”
Angrily, I threw the clothes down, pajama shorts and tanks flying all over, landing haphazardly on the floor and bed.
Then I faced him.
“Because I’m the reason your sister is in the hospital right now!” I shouted. “How the fuck can you even stand to look at me?”
All the fight seemed to leave Finn. I hadn’t noticed until they relaxed that his muscles had been tense, bracing.
His expression morphed into one of sympathy.
“Is that what you think? That this is your fault?”
I rolled my eyes at his gentle tone. Like I was some scared, wild animal, ready to bolt at the first sign of aggression.
“It is my fault. The piece of shit who attacked her was here for me.” I emphasized the word with a finger to my chest. “You know it, I know it, your whole fucking family knows it.”
“Baby.” Finn crossed the room in three long strides and pulled me in, crushing me against his chest. My arms hung limply at my sides. “None of this is your fault. The only person responsible is the one who attacked Aria.”
I shoved out of his embrace, stalking across the room, though the few feet of space between us was not nearly enough. There wasn’t anywhere in the world I could go that was far enough for me to not feel pulled to him, like a magnet drawn to a metal surface.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared him down.
“You can say that until you’re blue in the face, Finn, but we both know it’s bullshit. That man was here for me. And Aria got caught in the crossfire. I will never forgive myself for that.”
“So you’re just going to run?”
“I’m not running. I’m removing myself from the situation in order to protect you and your family.”
“Bullshit,” he spat. “You’re running, just like you did seven years ago.”
I gasped, rearing back like he’d slapped me.
“How dare you? I left because I had to. You didn’t even stay! We agreed to one night.”
“Maybe so, but you stayed away because you were afraid. You were scared then, and you’re scared now.”
“Scared of what, exactly? The worst has already happened, Finn. My sister is missing and will probably die without us ever knowing what happened to her. Your sister was attacked.”
“You’re scared of what you feel for me. Of what’s happening between us. Of how fucking right it feels when we’re together.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
A weak, hurtful lie.
Finn only laughed.
“I know you feel it, Reagan. So stop lying to yourself, and stop lying to me.”
My gaze narrowed on him. “Did you ever stop to think that I’m doing this because I care about you? And your family? And refuse to be the reason another one of you winds up hurt?”
“Afraid you don’t have a choice, belle,” he said.
“I knew what I was getting into when you came here, and you are not responsible for the safety of my family.” In a flash, he was in front of me and hauling me into another crushing hug.
“Aria is going to be okay, and so is your sister. None of what’s happened is your fault. ”
“All of it is my fault,” I mumbled into his chest, but my argument was quickly losing steam.
I didn’t want to run. I’d never felt more at home than I did in Finn’s arms.
But once again, I faced the cost of our being together, and if people continued to get hurt, it wasn’t a price I was willing to pay.
“Stop punishing yourself, Reagan. You’re only hurting us both.”
Though I hadn’t stopped to consider it, I had to admit, since I’d made the decision to leave, my heart felt like it had shattered in my chest. Finn’s proximity was a balm, drawing the broken parts back in and piecing them together.
“Do you want me to beg?” he asked when I didn’t immediately respond. “I’ll get on my fucking knees and beg. Please, belle. Don’t go.”
“I don’t want to,” I admitted.
“You belong right here with me,” he said softly, pressing a kiss against my hair. “I know staying when every fiber of your being is begging you to run isn’t easy, but I need you to. For me. For us.”
I retreated enough to look up at him. “You know what that’s like?”
He chuckled. “Baby, I was in the Army. In active warzones. Of course I know what that’s like.”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “That’s totally different.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “Then, my and the lives of West and our team were on the line. Here…well, I have to admit, I don’t think I could survive without you.”
I shook my head. “No, Finn. You’d be fine without me. But me? Right here, in your arms? It’s where I’m safest. And if I didn’t have it anymore, who knows what would happen to me.”
“Yet you tried to run,” he said, slightly teasing.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “Of how…big I feel for you. And how my staying could only get more people hurt.”
“Me too,” he agreed. “But I’m right here with you.” His hands shifted from where they were banded low on my waist to grab my hands, bringing them between us and pressing a lingering kiss to my knuckles. “What can I do to make it easier?”
“Everyone I’ve ever loved, ever felt like I couldn’t live without, I’ve been forced to learn how to. First my parents, and now Lainey—”
“Lainey is coming home,” he cut in, but I ignored him.
“I can’t lose you too,” I whispered. “So please be patient with me.”
“I can do that,” he promised.
For a moment, we clung to each other in the silence, swaying back and forth to music only we could hear.
Then Finn said, “Feel free to tell me to fuck off but how would you feel about moving into my room?”
Resting my chin on his chest, I stared up at him. “You sure?”
“Positive,” he replied easily. “I don’t want to go another day without waking up beside you or falling asleep next to you.”
I grinned, and he ducked a bit to kiss me.
When he released me, I hooked my thumb over my shoulder at my suitcase.
“Guess it’s a good thing I already started packing.”