Chapter 46
Beak Noses where’s your giving spirit? I know I’m hoping Maisie is in a giving mood later.” He winks in my direction before his eyes darken.
Bile rises to my throat, and I look away. I regret every touch with him.
“Ow! What the hell!” Karsen shouts.
I turn back toward him and Lauren to find Karsen balancing on one leg, reaching for his other foot.
Lauren loops her arm with mine, guiding us away. She laughs through closed lips. “I wore heels specifically hoping he’d give me a reason to stomp on his toes.”
I look back over my shoulder. He’s trying to compose himself as the Fowlers walk past him toward the dining room, confusion lining their faces. I turn back and let out a giggle.
“You’re diabolical,” I say to Lauren.
“Thank you.” Her smile is full-blown now. She steers us toward the den. When we enter, she closes the door and says, “Figured we could hide here for a while.”
We’re all seated by place cards, which, of course, put me right next to Karsen and across the table from Lauren.
Dad is at the head, standing to carve the turkey.
Once he cuts a ceremonial slice, he hands it back to the staff to finish in the kitchen.
The first course, a small pear and candied pecan salad, is distributed, one dish in front of each of us.
Dad clears his throat. “Let’s pray.” He bows his head, and we all follow suit.
Karsen reaches for my hand, but I smack it away under the table.
Dad begins in his projected bass tone, “Good Lord, thank you for your abundance and grace. Thank you for those who prepared this food. Thank you for those around this table. And we take this time to remember and honor our dear Richard. We thank you for continuing to care for his wife and child, and we look forward to seeing him again one day. Amen.”
When I open my eyes, I see tears reflected in Lauren’s. I know that after all this time, the holidays don’t get any easier for her. I feel even worse that today is stained with bad company. I shoot Karsen a death glare, but he doesn’t see it. He’s already grabbing too many rolls for his plate.
“A toast.” Aunt Kaity stands at her place next to Lauren, raising the glass of champagne we all have next to our water goblets. “To moving on in life,” she says. She sits down and winks in my direction.
Everyone joins in hesitantly: “To moving on.”
“This is a delicious salad, Madeline,” Mrs. Fowler mentions casually.
“Thank you,” Mom says as if she had a hand in making it. Mom then pivots to ask, “Karsen, how are classes?”
He wipes his mouth on the cloth napkin in his lap as if he’s a perfect gentleman. “Pretty good. All except Science 101. That one tends to get people in trouble,” he says and shifts to look at me. I narrow my eyes in response, heart rate kicking up.
“Oh, I see,” my mom responds, oblivious to my turmoil. “How so?”
“Well—” he starts.
“Will there be mashed potatoes, Aunt Madeline?” Lauren interjects.
“Of course, dear, but it is rude to interrupt.” Mom gives her the “disappointed” look. “You were saying?” she prompts Karsen.
I kick him under the table, but his face gives nothing away. He continues, “Maisie didn’t tell you? Her little friend punched me out of nowhere after class one day. Completely unprovoked. I had to get stitches!” he says, really milking the attention for all it’s worth.
It feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest with a thousand tiny knives. My anxiety fuses with my overwhelming anger, chased by shame.
My mom’s eyes bulge so wide, I’m worried blood vessels will start popping. “Maisie’s friend? Is he talking about that Connor kid?” She directs her stern tone at me. “The one you rode home with?”
My leg bounces like a car over a rumble strip.
Karsen reaches for my knee, a look of concern plastered on his fake-ass face.
My anger burns red-hot, and I shove my chair back, shaking off his hand. “That’s not what happened!” I shout.
“Maisie, sit down!” Mom bellows.
“No! You invited him here even after I asked you not to! Yes, Connor punched him, but it was after Karsen was saying vile things about me. Connor was defending me, Mom. Don’t believe a word this jerk says.
” I stare daggers at Karsen, wishing they could form metaphysically and actually puncture his skin. I hate him.
Mom nervously looks between me and the other guests. “Well, this is all a bit of excitement, but Maisie, why don’t you just—”
“I think you ought to leave,” Dad chimes in. His voice is low and authoritative. He doesn’t need to shout. His point is made perfectly clear.
Karsen’s eyes bounce wildly between everyone at the table, but he doesn’t move.
Dad stands, fists clenched. “Out!”
Karsen scoots back so fast, his chair almost falls in his haste to stand. He quickly makes it to the other end of the table from where Dad is seated and must regain an ounce of his bravado because he stops and says, “Your bitch of a daughter isn’t worth it anyway.”
Dad lunges, but Karsen runs like the coward he is right out the front door.
Tears spill down my face in a tidal wave. “Excuse me,” I say as I quickly move away from the table and toward the staircase, intent on escaping to my room.
I make it to the top of the stairs and see, out of the corner of my eye, Lauren and my mom entering the foyer below. It looks like Mom is the one coming to talk to me, and I can’t say I’m happy about that decision.
When I reach my room down the long hallway, I lock the door behind me, like I’m still thirteen.
I sink to the floor, the door at my back.
My head is in my hands, knees curled to my chest, and I don’t hold back, letting out all the anger, sadness, and hurt I feel.
For a moment, all I want to do is call Connor, and that makes me cry harder.
A minute or two later, there’s a soft knock at the door.
“Maisie, sweetie? It’s Mom.”
“Go away!” I shout. God, I really am acting like a petulant teenager, but I can’t make myself care.
“Please open up. I want to apologize.”
I think on it for a bit, but eventually stand and unlock the door. She slowly opens it. I stand off to the side, arms crossed, and I’m sure my face is puffier than a winter jacket.
“My sweet girl,” she says and pulls me in for a hug. “I am so sorry.”
I don’t hug her back, but I don’t push her away either. She takes my hand and leads us to sit on my bed. She sighs, still holding my hand in both of hers, gently rubbing each knuckle. I have to admit it’s soothing.
“I know I got carried away pushing you toward Karsen. You could call it a mother’s desire for her daughter to be with someone from a good family.
Someone talented and whom I know would provide you a life where you wouldn’t have to worry.
But I am afraid it is more than that.” She takes a deep breath, and I scrunch my eyes, waiting for what she’ll have to say.
“Did I ever tell you about my high-school boyfriend?” she asks.
“I don’t think so,” I say, shaking my head.
Her eyes turn glassy. “His name was Hugh Jacobs, and we were madly in love.” She sighs and looks away slightly, as if she can see him standing behind me.
“Okay,” I say, filling the space. “What happened?”
“The day after our senior prom—” She pauses a moment to compose herself. “He was in a car accident. A drunk driver swerved and hit the passenger’s side. He was dead on impact.” A single tear falls down her delicate cheek.
“Oh,” I say, softening a little. “Sorry, Mom. That sounds awful.” I can’t imagine losing someone that close to me so suddenly.
“It truly was. It is still the hardest thing I have endured in this life. And do not get me wrong, I am very glad I married your dad and had you. I do not regret that for a second, but I still think about Hugh often. What his life would have been like had he lived.”
“That makes sense. It sounds really traumatic,” I say.
“It was, and I think the trauma of that incident has infected me as a mother.”
“What? What do you mean?”
She cups my cheek. “Karsen looks a lot like Hugh did,” she says.
Understanding dawns, and my hand comes up to wrap around hers. “Oh,” I say.
“Yeah, oh.” She laughs, but there isn’t any joy in it.
“I got so wrapped up in you playing out the love that was stolen from me that I did not listen to you when you were trying to tell me Karsen was not good for you. Hugh was taken from me. I did not have a choice, but you…you chose to leave Karsen, and after today, I would say for good reason.” She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“That was not fair of me. To put that on you. To want you two to work out because it did not for me. It was selfish, and I am sorry, Maisie. I should have listened to you first and foremost. You are what matters to me. Not who you date. I am so, so sorry.”
Bitterness still clings to my edges, but it’s giving way to forgiveness. I didn’t know any of this about Mom, and it helps to understand how she could act the way she has, specifically regarding Karsen. But I’m not ready to fully forgive her.
She watches the emotions play out on my face.
“I’m glad you told me,” I say. “And I’m sorry that happened to you. I can see how that has affected your actions, but I’m not quite ready to forgive you. I have a lot of hurt to work through myself.”
Her mouth wrinkles, eyes tight, but she nods in understanding. “Of course, sweetie. Take all the time you need.” At that, she stands, patting my knee. “Do you want me to send Lauren up with a plate?” she asks.
“That’s okay. I’ll be down in a bit.”
“Okay. Call if you need anything. I love you,” she says and walks toward the door. She gives me one last soft smile before closing the door behind her.
I roll onto my side and pick up my phone from my bedside table. I probably shouldn’t do this—it could make me even more emotional—but I shove down the doubt and call Connor.