Chapter 53 RideDie
Ride or Die
Maisie
“He did what?” Angie’s water sprays from her mouth. It’s actually a little gross, and now her shirt is sopping wet, but I have to admire her theatrical dedication. She automatically reaches for a new shirt in her dresser drawer.
“He licked his finger clean after,” I repeat for her.
She laughs. “I heard you the first time, but dang girl, that’s hot.
” She pulls off the soaked shirt and shimmies into the new one.
“And I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about the first time you hooked up!
In a hotel? Did it feel like prom night?
I guess not since it was nice and not a shitty motel. ”
I shiver at the memory of that shitty motel Karsen took me to on our prom night. We found a dead rat in the corner, and he wanted to stay there. That should have been my first clue that our values didn’t align.
I sigh, shaking the thought of Karsen away, and say, “No, it didn’t feel like prom.
And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t sure anything was going to happen again, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
I’m still not sure how to handle things.
He’s my best friend. Except you, of course.
” I blow her a kiss, and she catches it without looking.
“He can be your guy best friend or whatever, because it’s different. I know who your top is, don’t worry.” She winks.
“Exactly,” I confirm.
Because it’s true. Connor and I share something special, obviously, but nothing will ever be like a girl best friend.
She’s ride or die, no matter what guys come and go in our lives.
Although the thought of Connor going is enough to curdle my stomach.
He feels like…a hell of a lot more. But that’s why we’re doing this, right?
I can’t lose what I don’t have and vice versa.
What we do have is friendship, so we can’t lose that. Yeah.
“Earth to Maize.” Angie waves a hand in front of my face. “I lost you there for a second.”
“Just thinking.” I pointedly look away, feigning interest in what could be out the sole window in our dorm room. It is nice out, actually, but when isn’t it?
“Don’t make me pull it out of you,” she says, stepping into my line of sight and blocking the window. Her arms are crossed, and she’s giving me the look. The one that best friends give when they call you on your bullshit.
“Fine. I was thinking about how Connor feels like…more than a friend. More than a friend with benefits, too… But I still don’t know if I’m ready for a real relationship.
If we take that step, there’s no going back.
I could lose everything. I could lose him.
” My lips tremble on the last word, and I drop my head, shying from Angie’s knowing gaze again.
“I know it’s scary, babe. But sometimes things are worth going after, even when they’re terrifying. My aunt always used to say, ‘You can be scared to do hard things. You just do them scared.’”
I sigh and walk to the mini fridge to get a root beer. Looking down at the drink in my hand, my mind swirls with memories of Connor. A root beer and Doritos ready for me in the car. The first night we watched a Marvel movie.
I smile and say, “Your aunt sounds wise. She sounds like my Aunt Kaity, actually.” A pang of homesickness hits, and I remind myself to call Lauren later this week.
“But it’s not as simple as a saying. I gave my whole heart away for…
for a long time. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
I don’t want to lose myself and not know my worth.
I used to do things just because I thought I should.
Not because I wanted to. All in the name of being a girlfriend.
I don’t want to get lost in the weeds again. ”
“Those are all wonderful things, Maize. And I’m so proud of you for knowing your worth.
Knowing what you want and need is the most important thing—but being scared and not moving forward isn’t honoring yourself, either.
” She gently takes my hand, giving it a little squeeze before letting it drop again.
I know she’s right. Well, my mind knows she’s right, but my heart is a stubborn organ that can’t seem to take the hint.
It’s been hurt, and it’s fighting tooth and nail to prevent that from happening again.
What Connor and I are doing is working for now.
We’ll just keep going. There’s no reason to fix something that isn’t broken.
Clearly seeing that I’m done with this conversation, Angie shifts topics. “So you know how my birthday is next weekend?”
I hold a hand to my chest, while sarcastically quipping, “It is?”
“Ha, ha, very funny.” She rolls her eyes. “I know I’ve mentioned it once or twice.”
A Cheshire grin stretches across her face, making her freckles spread out like fireflies dancing in the moonlight. Her joy is infectious, and I catch myself smiling and laughing in response. “Of course. Only once or twice,” I say with a wink.
“Anyway, I’m thinking it would be fun to have a party!”
My smile drops. A party? In our tiny dorm room?
She knows I’m not a partier. Who knows when people would leave?
I’d have no place to hide if I got overwhelmed.
Plus, the place would be a disaster. I don’t want to find used condoms in my shower caddy.
I shiver, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth, and she eyes the movement.
“I can see you’re stressed at the prospect, but I was actually going to see if you’d ask Connor if we could have it at his place.”
My nose scrunches at the thought of invading Brock’s space for Angie’s party, but a relieved breath also escapes me that she doesn’t want it here.
“Sure, I can ask, but you know it’s obviously not just his place. Aren’t you worried about a certain…other swimmer who lives there?”
“I don’t know who you could mean. Hunter is amazing, Tyler keeps to himself, and I could care less about he-who-should-not-be-named.” She crosses her arms and sticks her nose in the air to prove her point.
“All riiiight…should I text him now?”
“Please do.”
I pull up my text thread with Connor, and my heart gallops at the last thing he wrote.
Connor: Missing you already
I hadn’t had a chance to respond, but I guess I’m gonna ignore that now to text him about the party.
Hey
He responds immediately.
Connor: Betty what’s up?
So you know how it’s Angie’s birthday next weekend?
Connor: Haha how could I not? She tells me almost every day at practice
That makes me laugh out loud, and Angie side-eyes me like I better not mess this up for her. I cool my expression and keep typing.
Well she was wondering if maybe her birthday party could be at your apartment? She’s here now staring me down so I have my fingers crossed you say yes. In fact I’m not above begging. Pretty please?
Connor: You never have to beg with me Betty
The implications of that text make my stomach somersault.
Connor: Let me just double check with the guys but it’s fine by me. That way too if you get overwhelmed at any point we can hide out in my room
A pang of something stabs in my ribs. He knows me so well. The feeling of being known is almost…overwhelming? But I think I could get used to it.
Connor: Luckily everyone was home so I did a quick tally. Brock was the only one who put up a stink but since it was 3 to 1 we decided it’s a yes. Did something happen between those two or something?
Your guess is as good as mine
Not a total truth, but I can’t break girl code by telling him that.
But great! Tell the guys thanks from me :)
Connor: Will do. Wanna grab dinner together after practice later?
He’s always making plans with me—always the one to initiate, but always making me feel like it’s my choice. It’s something I didn’t realize I wanted, but Connor seems to fill in a lot of the cracks in my heart simply by being himself.
Sounds like a plan
Connor: See you then <3
I turn back to Angie, who is smirking at me.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing. You’re just smiling like a little schoolgirl at your phone. If that doesn’t give you a clue about how you feel about Connor, I’m not sure what will, babe.”
Part of me knows she’s right, but like I said, my heart is stubborn. She has walls up. Walls that are there to protect me. Although I think some bricks of those walls have shaken loose, it’s going to take a little more time.
“So I guess you don’t want to know if they said yes or not?” I taunt her to change the subject again.
“Tell me! Tell me!” She lunges at me in excitement, nearly toppling us both to the ground.
“They said yes.” I laugh and shove her off me.
“Yes!” She pulls her fist down in front of her in victory. “Let’s start planning!”