Chapter 57 Without Hesitation …Right ?
Without Hesitation …Right ?
Maisie
Connor loves me. He loves me. His words play over and over in my head.
We wake to Angie bursting through the door, giggling over finding us tangled up in my tiny twin-size bed, then politely requesting Connor leave—read: tells him to get the fuck out—so she can, quote, get naked in her own room. He obliges.
Angie does, in fact, get naked and take a long shower, then puts on warm jammies to do some yoga. She says it is necessary after being trapped in the car for too many hours. Can’t say I blame her. Chatting with her distracts me for an hour or so, but then she leaves to grab lunch, pajamas and all.
And now here I am—pacing, Connor’s words washing through me again and again. I love you. I’m in love with you, and I have been for a while now. How long is a while?
He seemed to really mean that I didn’t have to say it back and that he wouldn’t let loving me ruin our friendship. Did I want to say it back?
Yes.
The answer comes to me without any hesitation when it exists in my own mind. It’s the thought of letting it out into the world that terrifies me. That would make it real.
What if we get serious and he breaks my heart? What if I break his? What if he changes? We’re only eighteen, for fuck’s sake. What if he stops talking to me again? I would positively shatter. What if this is just another thing I fail at? My pulse picks up.
I’m ripped from my invasive thoughts by my phone buzzing on the desk.
I walk over, my heart plummeting a little when I see it isn’t Connor.
He’s only been gone a few hours, and I already miss him like crazy.
But then I feel bad for having that reaction because it’s Lauren calling, and I’ve missed her like crazy, too.
“LoLo! How’s life across the pond?” She’s still visiting her boyfriend’s family in London.
She sighs. “Everyone’s lovely, but I can’t help feeling a little out of place. I miss home. I miss you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. Christmas wasn’t the same without you. Have you had any fun over there?”
She chuckles mirthlessly. “Oh, sure, of course. We’ve visited the natural history museum and rode the London Eye, and I’ve eaten my weight in fish and chips.
And Jameson’s family lives on an estate, so we’ve taken daily walks in the gardens.
That always makes me feel like I’m in Bridgerton, taking a turn about the lawn.
” She says the last bit in an overly exaggerated English accent and laughs for real this time.
I can sense the sadness shaking off her the more we talk.
I keep the ball rolling, content to talk about her woes over mine.
“Sounds like a bit of an adventure even though I acknowledge it must be hard to be away, to feel out of place.” I know Lauren better than I know myself, so I add, “I know Christmas is a hard time for you, too. Do you think that might be more of what’s going on, rather than not enjoying London? ”
There’s a long pause, but then she says, “Yeah, I think you might be right. I always miss Dad more around the holidays. I think not being around my family this year was something I wasn’t truly prepared for.
I love Jameson, and he feels like home—but being out of my routine, the time change, missing you guys, it all feels like too much.
” She sniffs, and my heart breaks for her.
I miss Uncle Richard so much, but I know it’s something that affects her daily life, the marrow of her being.
“I think you should tell Jameson how you’re feeling. He loves you, and I’m sure he’ll do anything he can to make you feel better.”
She chuffs a laugh. “When did you get so wise?”
I rub at my forehead. I certainly don’t feel wise. Otherwise, wouldn’t I know how to handle my own shit? It’s so much easier helping Lauren with hers.
“Uh-oh, you went quiet on me. What’s wrong?”
“We don’t have to talk about it. You have enough on your plate.”
“Nuh-uh, that’s not how this works. We’re always a two-way street. It’s my honor and duty to be there for you. Now, spill.”
My chest constricts at her words. I think of her the same way, but after all these years, it’s still nice to hear it. Nice to know I’m loved. That she’s never going anywhere. That she knows every part of me and loves me—not just because we’re family, but because we’ve chosen to love each other.
I give her the breakdown of everything that’s happened since Thanksgiving.
How I felt like a failure when I couldn’t get my back three and a half, how Connor and I hooked up when I went to him for comfort, how he defended me at Angie’s party and everything we did after.
How he told me he loves me, and that I don’t have to say it back, but that I want to and that that thought terrifies me.
Because so many things could go wrong, and I don’t know how to deal with that.
“What if it goes right?”
Lauren’s statement is a knife sliced through my chest, ripping me open for all to see.
“What?” I say incredulously.
“What. If. It. Goes. Right?” she enunciates clearly.
“There’s no guarantee that it will!” I all but shout.
“No. But there are no guarantees in life. We don’t know what cards life is going to deal us. I certainly never thought I’d lose Dad, but that was the hand I was dealt.”
My stomach pitches at her blatant words. She’s right. Nothing is guaranteed. Losing Uncle Richard at such a young age taught all of us that.
She continues, “We have to decide what to do with what we’ve got, though.
The choices we make, what we can control.
Not on what the outcome will be or what someone else will do because we have no say in that.
But we do have control over ourselves, our decisions, how we view life. And that is powerful stuff, MaiMai.”
I squeeze the phone, taking a deep breath.
“Plus, look at all the things that have gone right for you since getting to college. You’re close with your roommate, you stood up for yourself with Karsen, and you are healing from that, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
You’ve successfully competed in diving at a level you never thought possible.
Even if it doesn’t look exactly like how you would want, you’re doing it!
Plus, you’re getting an education; no matter what your major is or what you decide to do after, no one and nothing can take that away from you. ”
Her words wash over me like the balm they are. Like stepping into a hot shower after being out in the cold. A whole-body soothing. “I love you so much, LoLo.” Tears well in my eyes.
She’s right. She’s so right. And although her bolstered words haven’t erased my fears, they have given me the gumption to take a step in their direction. I think about Angie’s aunt’s words: “You can be scared to do hard things. You just do them scared.”
An idea comes like a thief in the night.
“I’m not ready to bare it all, and that is my choice that I’m okay with, but your encouragement has given me an idea. I can give at least a part of me. Connor deserves that, and honestly, so do I.”
I can hear the smile in her voice as she says, “Go get ’em.”
We talk for a few more minutes before saying a drawn-out goodbye with a promise she’ll call as soon as she’s back in the States.
Riding on the back of her encouragement, I grab my laptop and put “Sock Hop near me” into the search bar. Connor and I can go on a date. A real date. And I don’t know what could be better for two old-soul goofballs who like to dance than a real-live sock hop.
I make another call, and she answers on the first ring.
“Mom? I need your help picking out an outfit.”
“Oh, sweetie, thank you for calling! I would love to help. What kind of event?”
It feels nice to have something to connect with Mom on.
We’ve slowly been healing since everything with Karsen.
Even though I know we won’t ever be totally on the same page.
We’re really different, but it’s nice to know she still loves me even if I’m not with him.
I know that sounds shitty, but I truly wasn’t sure where we would stand.
If we would have anything in common. So this is a perfect stepping-stone in the right direction for us.
I laugh. “A sock hop. Have you ever been?”
“I will pretend not to be offended. That was definitely before my time. But oh my goodness, sweetie, you are going to look so cute! Let’s switch to FaceTime to see what you have so far. Then you will use your credit card and go shopping on us. Whatever you need!”
Her enthusiasm trickles through my nervous system like water down a rain chain and gathers into a basin of love that I’ll use later. Love that helps bolster me to put myself out there. Love to share.