Chapter 47 Twenty-six years old
Twenty-six years old
Sam
“Ican’t believe you guys are going on a road trip,” Josh says. “I’m so jealous.”
I smile. It’s been six weeks and a lot of swapped shifts for Kath, but we’ve found a time to get away. And I’ve also managed to persuade Kath to have people over for a dinner party. Both are wins.
She looks brighter than she did a couple weeks ago.
Our initial foray into meditation has become a new evening ritual.
When it finishes, we lie in bed looking at the ceiling and talking about life.
She’s shared some of her favourite memories of my mum, and I’ve reminded her about stupid things we did when we were younger.
Some mornings I wake up in her room, after we’ve accidentally fallen asleep post-movie night.
Others, she wakes up in mine, after long conversations turn into her being too tired to walk across the hallway.
Both are flimsy excuses for what I feel is a shared desire to just sleep next to each other at night.
She’s also started seeing one of the counsellors attached to her work and is slowly becoming more like the Kath I remember.
“I’ve been promising Kath a road trip in America since I first moved there,” I tell Josh. “It might be a few years late, but at least we’re getting round to it.”
“Better late than never,” Kath says.
Is there a double meaning in that? I’m not sure.
Maybe I’m just hearing something in it because I’m desperate for it to mean more.
We still haven’t talked about Rio, or any one of the times our friendship blurred into something else.
I’ve tried, but she always shuts it down, and I let her avoid the conversation, because I want to do things at her pace.
I’m just grateful she’ll even speak to me after everything that happened.
“What’s the weather even like there?” Claire asks. “It’s grim here. Surely it’s going to be better than this.”
I start giving them the breakdown of the agenda for our upcoming two weeks away. It’s been easy to organise. In part because I’ve been subconsciously planning it for years.
“And then we’re going to end up in LA and stay with two of my old swimming friends,” I conclude. Seb and Austin love LA. They’re always sending pictures of the beaches.
“I can’t believe you haven’t been in a pool since the Olympics,” Claire says. “Isn’t that weird for you?”
I shrug. “I’ve got used to it surprisingly fast.”
It’s been six months since I went swimming. Despite my nonchalance, the pull of the water has been getting stronger lately. The problem is, I still can't tell whether it’s finally outweighed the anxiety.
We chat for a few more hours and another bottle of wine mysteriously vanishes.
I can tell the moment Kath starts fading. This is more socialising than she’s done in weeks. It’s like our childhood roles have reversed. She used to check on my social battery; now, I’m the one monitoring her out of the corner of my eye.
“Do you want to head to bed?” I whisper to her. “I can just tell them that you’re working tomorrow.”
She gives me a grateful smile and extricates herself from the conversation.
Josh stays to help me clean up. We shut the door to the kitchen so that we don’t disturb Kath and get to washing the plates.
“I feel like my universe has finally returned to normal now that you two are back to being friends again,” he says. “The stars aligning and all that.”
I concentrate on the dishes for a few moments. I don’t know how much to tell him. Though he always did have good advice.
“I’m still in love with her,” I say into the sink.
“I know,” he replies simply.
“I don’t want to rush her.” I lean against the counter and sigh. “I fucked up before. And she’s had an awful time over the last few years. I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“I get that,” Josh nods. “But you’ve been back a while now, and you’re definitely part of the way to repairing everything you messed up.” He grimaces. “Thanks for that by the way. It didn’t feel great being pushed away.”
“Sorry.” I wince. “I did think I was doing the right thing at the time, because I thought I was dragging you guys down.”
“It’s OK,” he says. “I get it. But if you and Kath have got past that, then maybe you should actually tell her how you feel.”
I shake my head, gripping the edge of the counter.
“You don’t know how badly I messed up, Josh.”
He goes still, waiting.
“I didn’t just push her away.” My throat tightens. “I broke her heart. I thought I was protecting her, and instead I took everything good she ever gave me and threw it back in her face.”
Josh opens his mouth to say something but I keep going. I can’t stop now.
“I said things I can’t take back. Things I didn’t mean. I hurt her, and then I left her alone to deal with it. I destroyed the longest friendship I’d ever had because I was a coward. And instead of working on myself or talking to her, I just… vanished.”
My voice cracks on the last word.
Josh sets down the dish he’s holding and leans against the counter beside me.
“Hey.” He grips my shoulder. “You can’t change what happened. But you’re here now.”
I give him a half-smile, before going to the table and grabbing the rest of the glasses, buying myself a moment to think.
“I don’t know if she loves me anymore.”
It’s been so long now. She told me she loved me in Rio, but it’s been years and years of my mistakes since then. Of a distance I created.
“I don’t think you and Kath know how to not love one another,” Josh says quietly.
I let his words sink in. He’s right about me at least. Loving Kath is the one thing I’ve never been uncertain about.
“And I’ve seen the way she looks at you,” he continues. “Even now, not just back then. She relaxes when you’re around, she smiles more, she just looks…. happier.”
“That doesn't mean she loves me.”
“No,” he agrees. “But it doesn't mean she doesn't, either.”
He hands me another dish.
“When we were younger, I don’t think she ever let herself like you in that way. Because you were always going on about not wanting a girlfriend. But when it became a possibility, I think something changed. You should speak to her, tell her how you feel. You don’t want to miss the opportunity.”
“I’ll think about it,” I tell him. “But I have a lot of making up to do. A lifetime of it.”
“I mean it when I say she sounds better now than she has done in months,” he says seriously. “I just want you both to be happy.”
I nod. I just need to work out where to start.