51. Twenty-seven years old
Twenty-seven years old
Kath
You got this, Champ. I text Sam on the morning of his last race before I get on my bike to go to the hospital.
It’s the European Acquatics Championships, and he’s racing in Birmingham.
I didn’t manage to get time off work, because I’m saving my leave for the World Championships, but I should be home for his final.
Josh and Claire are coming over to watch it with me, and Tom might swing by if he feels like it.
Claire’s new boyfriend is also coming for a professional relationship evaluation between bowls of crisps and intense swimming commentary.
Apparently, she gave him some pre-race swimming homework.
Sam swam well in the heats. But more importantly, he looked happy. And he sounded happy when he called me from his hotel room. He wasn’t anxious like back in Rio, or on the verge of panic attacks like in Tokyo. Instead, he just sounded like he was having a good time.
Sometimes I forget that we’ve only officially been together for six months.
When you’ve been friends with someone for over half your life, and in love with them for most of that time, it can become difficult to untangle the timeline.
Despite all his training, Sam manages to find time to meal prep the week for us, and to collect me from the occasional shift that’s overrun.
He also helps me with my medical exams. Mainly by pretending to be an eighty-year-old during a cardiovascular exam, or a concerned relative when I’m practising for the communication skills station.
Life feels lighter with him around. The exams don’t feel as overwhelming. It’s easier to set boundaries, to socialise, with him beside me.
When Claire arrives, bottle of wine in one hand, boyfriend pushed through the door with the other, the races have already started. I’m just plating up our pizzas when Sam’s race is announced and we stop talking to watch.
He’s still not as fast as he was at the Olympics. But he did take several months off. And most importantly, he isn’t beating himself up about the fact that his times aren’t as good. He’s swimming because he loves swimming, rather than because he has something to prove.
“Where did Sam place in the freestyle yesterday?” Claire quizzes Dan, who looks panicked.
“Come on, man,” Josh teases. “That’s the most obvious question.”
“I was memorising world records,” he mumbles. “I know this. Give me a moment.”
I laugh. Poor guy. I’m not sure he’s Claire’s type, but she said her mother set them up.
“Silver!” he says and Claire cheers and gives him a high five, but it looks forced. I file that thought away for later. Tom just rolls his eyes.
We pause our conversation to watch the medley. Claire shrieks and nearly knocks over her wine when he pips the French swimmer to the wall.
“Oh my god, he won!” She shouts loudly enough that I’m worried my neighbours will have heard. Dan looks perturbed with the chaos… not boding well for his final score on the relationship evaluation.
I’m still in shock. I didn’t think he would get gold at this meet. He’s been doing well. But not that well. He’s grinning as he congratulates the other swimmers before turning and pumping the air. That’s another thing that’s changed. He actually seems to celebrate his wins now.
“I can’t believe it,” I tell the others.
“Ye of little faith,” Tom scoffs. “It’s Aquaman. He only knows how to get gold.”
“That’s such a stupid nickname,” Claire tells him.
“Whatever.” He shoots her a look. “You think of a better one then, Buttercup.”
I elbow him and he gives me an annoyed look. Be nice, I mouth at him.
A few minutes later, Sam is talking to Mel Braithwaite on the side of the pool. His face is still pink, and goggle marks ring his eyes.
“I know you took some time off swimming, Sam,” she says. “But you’re racing like you haven’t. You must be really pleased with the results today.”
“I did take some time out,” he nods. “After Tokyo, I just needed some time to reset. Some time to think about why I was doing this and whether it was still something I wanted to do. But I’m really grateful for that break.
It made me fall in love with swimming again and remember what it was like to be that boy who just loved the pool rather than the one who felt the weight of expectations. ”
“The expectations must be difficult,” the reporter says, and I nod along from home. I know she isn’t the perpetrator, but it’s often the media who put those expectations on him.
“They are. And to be completely honest, I don’t think I used to deal with them properly.
My first Olympic Games were at sixteen, and I’ve done two more since then.
My teammates are amazing, and I’ve had opportunities to travel to fantastic places, but eventually, I got to a point where I was no longer coping with the pressure.
I’ve never really spoken about it, but I think it’s important to talk about these things. ”
“What do you mean?” she asks, and I freeze. Is he going to say what I think he is? Claire and Josh are silent beside me.
Sam talks to me about his mental health, and I know he’s discussed it with our friends.
But he’s never spoken about it publicly.
Especially not on national television. I know that he wants to be an advocate, and that he donated some of his winnings from the last meet to a mental health charity.
He’s toyed with bringing it up in an interview before, but I just didn’t realise he felt ready yet.
“To be completely honest with you, Mel, I had terrible mental health after Rio.”
I can feel tears pooling in my eyes listening to him.
“I felt anxious all the time, and like I wasn’t worthy of all the public support because I hadn’t broken any records. I started to push myself more and more and cut everything other than swimming out of my life in a way that wasn’t healthy.”
He pauses, looking directly at the camera before continuing.
“I got really bad anxiety, which peaked in Tokyo. To the extent where I had a panic attack in the showers after I broke the world record. One of my swimmer friends found me and had to call my girlfriend to talk me down. When I looked like I was at the supposed height of my swimming, I was mentally in a very bad place, and it’s taken me a bit of time to get out of it. I’m still a work in progress.”
“I’m sorry to hear about that,” the interviewer says softly and everyone seems to be holding their breath, watching every line of his face. The pain in his eyes.
“Like I said, I think it’s important to talk about these things.
I don’t want anyone to feel like their feelings are abnormal or that they can’t talk about these issues.
If just one person listens to this and thinks ‘I feel like that too’, I want them to realise that they aren’t alone, that they should seek help.
Things do get better. They have for me, and they will for you too. ”
“Thank you for sharing that with us,” Mel says.
Tom is squeezing my hand. Claire’s eyes are slightly misty. I think mine are too. I blink hard. Josh studiously looks at his beer.
“Thanks,” Sam says, smiling at the camera. “I hope you all enjoy the rest of the evening.”
As the cameras cut to the next race, I sit there in silence for a few moments.
“Did you know he was going to do that, Kath?” Josh asks.
“No,” I tell him. “Well, sort of. He’d mentioned that he wanted to bring it up in an interview soon. But I didn’t know he was planning on today.”
“He wouldn’t have been able to do it without you,” Josh tells me.
“I always knew you would end up together,” Claire teases, immediately lightening the mood. “He just needed to stop being an idiot, and you needed to realise you loved him.”
“So two quite big things then,” I tell her and she giggles.
I laugh too, but not about what Claire said. I laugh, a little bit in disbelief, because after a decade of friendship, I’m just glad that we finally stopped treading water.