2. CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 2
C lara clutched the on call phone and squeezed her eyes closed to get the thought of Jack out of her head.
She tried not to think about him anymore, but despite it being two years since they had broken up, he still popped into her mind far too often.
They had been in medical school together, and it had been love at first sight for her. From his chocolate brown eyes to his sharp cheekbones, artfully tousled blonde hair and six-foot-tall body—which she later found out was actually five foot ten, although he told everyone he was six foot—she had instantly liked everything about him.
It had taken two years from the day she first saw him, and the consumption of more pints of beer one night in the student union than she cared to think about now, for her to get the guts to go and talk to Jack. And by the end of the evening, they had arranged their first date, and everything after that had seemed so natural and progressed so easily.
They had spent their last three years at university as a couple. They studied for exams together, passed medical school together, managed to get jobs at the same hospital after they graduated, and officially moved in together. Even though Jack had spent most of his time at her place for the previous three years, he had kept his own rental accommodation, claiming he couldn’t let his friends down, whom he had promised to live with through university.
Sometimes, she thought about that time and now could see how uneven their relationship had been. She worked hard, and he copied off her, helping himself to notes that had taken her hours and hours to make.
When he stayed at her house, he would claim that, as a guest, it would be rude for him to use the kitchen, so she always cooked and provided the groceries that they both ate.
But Clara had been in love and ignored the things that should have given her a clue to his character.
Everything was wonderful through their intern years and resident years. Then, they both applied together for anaesthetic training.
In hindsight, this is when she could see the fractures in their relationship start to develop.
When she got a position on a training scheme, and he didn’t, Jack couldn’t quite manage to fake being happy for her and began to make snide remarks. The type of comments that individually couldn’t be taken as anything too bad but added together to cut deeply.
She even spoke to a few people about delaying training for a year, maybe taking a gap year to travel with Jack and see the world. But her friends and advisers had pointed out, quite rightly, that if she didn’t take the job, it might not be there next year.
After a lot of soul searching and a few comments from Jack about how it was a shame that they didn’t share the same desire for adventure—as he had leapt on the gap year idea and run with it as if that had been his intention all along—she had accepted the job and started her anaesthetic training.
That year had been tough on their relationship with her long hours and Jack travelling all over the country for locum work, but she had stupidly thought they were the couple that would make it. That their love was strong enough to hold them together through any storm.
When she was stressed about working so many hours each week and studying for exams, she kept it to herself, not wanting to rock the boat as the first time she had mentioned being stressed, Jack had flown off the handle at her and then sulked about how insensitive it was of her to be complaining when she had the job that he wanted, and if he was the one with the job, he wouldn’t be moaning about it. In the end, she had been the one to apologise to him for upsetting him.
It quickly became an established pattern: she would say something, looking for support from him, he would fly into a rage about it, and then she would apologise to him.
Things improved a bit when, the next year, he also got an anaesthetic training job and crowed to her about how much more rounded he was starting training than her with all the locum work he had done over the previous year. How it wasn’t a sprint to get through and be a consultant, how being a more experienced doctor with a better breadth of knowledge would put him in a much stronger position.
Although maybe their relationship didn’t improve? Her memory was so fuzzy about that time. She had been working full-time, studying for hours each day, and ensuring she did her share of the housework and cooking. Or that would lead to another rant from Jack about how special she thought she was, and that they were both doctors and she needed to pull her weight, and if she couldn’t handle the stresses involved in training, maybe she should give up her spot for someone like him who could.
The first exam she had to sit for training was in two parts: a written exam, which, if you passed, meant you got to sit an oral viva, which was the other fifty percent of the mark.
Clara failed the written exam on her first attempt, and Jack had shown sympathy, although she was sure that she had seen a smug glint in his eyes, something that suggested he might be happy that she had failed and wasn’t getting too far in front of him in training.
When he began studying for the same exams, the first thing he did was rifle through all her study notes one weekend while she was at work, helping himself to a huge amount of them. She had asked him about the notes, but he had denied taking anything and yelled so much that to keep the peace, she dropped it and spent the next few weeks redoing the notes he had stolen.
She kept her head down and battled through. Work, study, housework, sleep. The burden of running the household weighed on her, and when she asked him anything simple, like picking up dinner or grabbing something from the shops, he made her feel like the worst girlfriend in the world for asking and that if she hadn’t failed her previous sitting, she would be there to support him like he had supported her during her first attempt at the exam.
Even through her exhaustion, a small part of her screamed with the thought of ‘what help?’ What help had he given her when she sat the first time?
When the next sitting of the exam rolled around, Jack declared that he was ready and wouldn’t it be wonderful if they both sat together and both passed. She had tried talking to him, suggesting that maybe as everyone he had started training with were going to wait for the following sitting, perhaps he should too. He had scoffed and told her that his study plan had been excellent and he had covered all the work.
When he passed the written exam and got called for a viva, he smirked smugly at her and berated her for doubting him.
They studied hard for the second half of the exam together; Jack was always so sure of himself, so confident that his answers were concise and to the point.
Even then, Clara had a slight niggle at the back of her head anytime he answered something in that cock sure manner of his; the niggle told her he had missed the point entirely of the question, and he wouldn’t get any marks for it.
But he was so arrogant, so sure of his knowledge, that he ignored her advice and that of the consultants who helped the junior doctors prepare for the exam.
And as she had thought might happen, he failed the viva, and Jack’s sour face had stopped her from celebrating her success when she passed that same exam.
Clara carried on through her training, moving into advanced training and heading to a new placement every six months. Some were close to home, and some were far enough away that she had to stay at the hospital.
She could now see the only time she had been happy through that period in her life was when she was away. Because every time she went home, she was met with a house that took her two days to clean and snarls from Jack, telling her how easy she had it now and how the final exams she was facing soon were nothing compared to the hurdle he was trying to jump.
She tried to help him study and was met with so much disdain that finally, whenever she was home, she was silent. She spent her time cooking enough food to keep him stocked up for the next few weeks, making sure he had clean clothes, and filling the pantry with all his preferred snacks.
He burnt through his exam attempts. Number two, he didn’t get to viva. Number three, he failed at viva again. Number four was the worst, as it was the same time that she sat her final exams, and trying to work, study and look after two people was a huge burden. But she passed, and he didn’t.
That time, he threw his textbook at her, and she had to lie at work and say she got a bit tipsy and walked into a doorframe. He was so remorseful and so loving for the next few months that she soon forgot about the awful, bad-tempered man he had become.
Jack had decided to take a break in training and have a few months off to study and centre himself before his fifth and final sitting of the exam. Clara was shocked when he announced he would be going to an expensive retreat in Morocco that promised to heal the mind and the body.
When he told her he had paid for it out of money from their joint account, money that they, actually she, had saved for a house deposit, she had been furious. But again, despite the bruises he left on her arm, somehow, she had ended up apologising to him, and he had gone on his eight-week luxury retreat. When he came back, the joint account was drained, and four years of hard work and savings were gone.
She nearly walked out on him, but he had pulled her back in with promises that he would pass the exam on his last attempt, how much better he felt, and how when she was a consultant the next year, the money she earned now as an anaesthetic fellow would seem minuscule, so she shouldn’t stress about the cash. She should just put her head down and start working for both of them.
He talked so much about how wonderful life would be when he passed, but on his fifth and final attempt, he didn’t even get through the written exam. And just like that, his dreams were gone; he would never be an anaesthetist.
He appealed to the anaesthetic college, demanding another try at the exam. He was so sure it would work, so sure that he was meant to be an anaesthetist.
However, the process of paperwork moved slowly, and while he waited for their response, he refused to work. All he did all day was indulge in his hobbies: running, mountain biking, and his art—which Clara tried hard to like, even though all it looked like to her were splodges of very expensive paint on a very expensive canvas that didn’t resemble anything, and the colours didn’t even work well together.
Home life became a living hell. Any time she walked in the front door, Jack would immediately begin to berate her about the state of the house, or the fact she hadn’t cooked dinner or collected food on the way home or the issue that she was too exhausted to even contemplate touching him and flinched involuntarily every time he tried to be intimate with her. Not that her hesitance stopped him. He would remind her that she owed him intimacy, that it was part of being a good girlfriend and how lucky she was to have such a loving partner who still found her attractive.
Soon, his criticism of her cooking turned into criticism of her eating at all, and she began skipping meals, never allowing a morsel of food to cross her lips in front of him. Anything to stop the snarky comments and ridicule about her weight, which she knew had crept up with the stress of exams and work.
She tried to avoid going home. Volunteering for extra shifts and covering everyone else’s sick leave and annual leave. Despite all the overtime, each month was a struggle to pay the bills.
She spoke to Jack and asked him to cut back on his spending, and he dismissed her, telling her not to be so selfish. That it had been an awful time, and he needed to blow off some steam before his appeal was successful and he got back onto the training programme.
Clara noticed that he was not only putting things on their credit card but also taking out cash to spend, usually hundreds of dollars at a time, if not thousands.
When she got the courage to ask him about it, he snarled and stomped out of the house, leaping into his jeep and pulling out of their driveway, his tires squealing.
That was the first night he didn’t come home, but then it began to happen more and more often. And the sad thing was, she was relieved.
The final nail in the coffin of their relationship happened on a rainy Tuesday.
She went to work as usual, leaving him snoring peacefully in their bed. When she arrived in the operating theatres, she found another anaesthetist in her theatre, and Sadie, who had been working in the hospital for a year as the head of department, had called her to the office.
Clara and Sadie’s friendship had grown quickly once Clara had finished training, but at that point, they hadn’t been friends, and she went round to the office with trepidation. She was panicking that with only six weeks left of her fellowship, only six short weeks from becoming a consultant and achieving the job she had strived so long for, that something awful must have happened.
When she walked into Sadie’s office, her heart began to pound. There was a box of tissues front and centre on the desk.
“Hi, Doctor Albright. Is there a problem?” Clara asked nervously.
“Not with your work. No,” Sadie said.
“That’s good.” Clara slumped into the chair in relief. She had been afraid the turmoil she was undergoing at home had affected her work.
“How are things going with you?” Sadie spoke carefully, maintaining eye contact with Clara.
“Oh, you know. Too much work and too little time. And obviously, we were disappointed that the college turned down Jack’s last appeal; he was so hopeful.” Clara leaned forward, putting her elbows on the desk.
“Yes. His appeal.” Sadie frowned.
Clara looked long and hard at Sadie, realisation washing over her. “He said you supported his appeal and wrote a letter of recommendation to the college.”
Sadie glanced down at her desk, avoiding eye contact with Clara.
“You didn’t write a letter for him though. Did you?” Clara questioned.
She had asked Jack if she could read it, and he had declined, saying it wasn’t anything she needed to worry about. She hadn’t pushed it as the burn he had given her by forcing her arm against the oven door when she had asked him to stop leaving his clothes on the floor and put them in his washing basket was still healing, so she had dropped the subject not wanting to get hurt again.
But now, sitting in front of Sadie, she could tell by the other doctor’s expression that Jack didn’t let her read the letter because it didn’t exist.
Sadie finally met her eyes. “No. He asked me, and we discussed it. He didn’t have any extenuating circumstances. He used all five attempts, and he failed. I didn’t write him a letter.”
Clara nodded in resignation. He had lied to her. “Okay, thanks for being honest with me. Jack told me he had the department’s support. I guess he was lying to me.” She couldn’t help it; she felt tears welling in her eyes and reached for a tissue, dabbing at them.
“I went down to the city for a conference this weekend.” Sadie met Clara’s gaze without flinching.
Clara wiped the tears away, taking a second to catch up, confused about the sudden change in direction of the conversation. “Oh, um, great. The one on regional blocks?”
“Yes. It was a real treat to stay in a nice hotel in the city. It had a lovely bar overlooking the harbour. It was the first time I’d been away from the kids in so long. I sat on the balcony in that bar for hours looking at the view.” Sadie’s eyes shone with sympathy.
“That sounds great.” Clara was getting more and more puzzled.
Sadie pushed her phone across the desk to Clara, opening up a video as she did. “I’m sorry.”
“What? I?” Clara frowned and tried to make out the figures in the badly lit video.
A fair-haired man was walking across the screen, and a petite woman wearing a short, short dress was clinging tightly to his arm. They were oblivious to anyone around them, not looking anywhere except at each other. As they drew nearer to the camera, Clara’s hand flew to her mouth.
It was Jack. What the hell was he doing? He was visiting his parents last weekend. Wasn’t he?
She wanted to push the phone back, to stop watching. But she wasn’t stupid and wasn’t a coward. She watched Jack and the woman stop at the railing, they looked at the view for a few seconds before they turned to each other.
Clara’s eyes closed when she saw him push a lock of the other woman’s hair behind her ear. Then she forced them open again, so the next image burnt into the back of her retinas. It was a long time before she didn’t see the picture of him kissing the other woman behind her eyes every time she closed them.
She watched them kiss gently at first and then passionately. The video cut off as his hand moved from the back of her head to her waist and down to her bottom, pulling her as close to him as he could.
“I’m so sorry.” Sadie looked at Clara, waiting for the younger woman to react.
“I know.” She blinked, willing the tears that wanted to fall to stay where they were.
“You don’t need to come in for the rest of the week.” Sadie reached over and took hold of her hand.
Clara nodded, her eyes unseeing, with the images of her boyfriend; ex-boyfriend’s infidelity playing over and over again.
“Clara?” Sadie said gently. “I’m going to drive you home.”
“No. It’s okay.” Clara sniffed. “I just need a few minutes. I’ll be fine to drive.”
Sadie got up from her desk, walked around it, and pulled the other woman into a hug, quietly saying, “I’m here if you need anything. You’re too good for him.”
“Thanks.” Clara began to breathe deeply, not wanting to break down in the office. Finally, she pulled away. “I need to go. Thanks, Doctor Albright.”
“Clara, stop calling me Doctor Albright. You’ll be a consultant in six weeks, and we’ll be working together.”
“Thanks, Sadie. I appreciate you telling me about Jack.” Clara wiped at her eyes.
“I’m going to text you tonight. Okay?” Sadie grabbed her hand and didn’t let it go until Clara nodded.
“I need to go.” Clara pulled out of her grasp, not realising then that Sadie would be one of her biggest supporters over the next few difficult months until they developed a tight friendship. But on that day, Clara turned away from her and hurried off.
“I’ll text you,” Sadie called after her.
Blindly dashing back to the changing room, Clara threw on her clothes and sprinted down to her car, swallowing again and again to hold back the hysteria that threatened to overwhelm her.
And finally, once her car door closed, she let the tears out.
As the sobs wracked her body, some glimmers of truth began to shine through. He had lied to her about where he was going, who he was seeing, and what he was spending money on. She sobbed harder when she realised that he had no money of his own, no job, and no savings, so she had been the one financing his affair.
She slammed her hands into the steering wheel, screaming incoherently. Crying until she couldn’t cry any more.
The glimmers of truth became wide-open seams of light as she examined the things he had told her that must be lies. Visiting his parents, an explanation of where the new expensive-looking mountain bike had come from and where the money he had drained from her had gone.
However, she didn’t come to the conclusion, sitting alone in the car, that he was abusing her physically, emotionally and financially.
It took her another two years to realise that abusive men like Jack could trap smart women like her.
Two years of picking up the pieces of her destroyed life.
Two years of reconnecting with the friends, who she now realised he had encouraged her to push away until all she had was him.
Two years of working all the hours she could to repair the financial damage he had caused her, to start to pay off the credit cards he had taken out in her name. To get rid of the car loan she had secured for him because the only thing that would make him happy after his third failed exam attempt was a new Jeep.
Two years to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.
She didn’t delude herself; she knew her life was held together with pieces of sticky tape and frayed around the edges, but at least it was hers.
And now, as she stood in the anaesthetic bay of the emergency theatre, laughing and joking with Lauren, she knew she had risen out of the ashes of an abusive relationship and was proud of the woman she had become.