15. Charlie
15
“Not smart…” Amy chided as I lied yet again and hung up the phone. My heart sank and I knew Lex would be upset with me. I felt so guilty, so wrong for pushing him back tonight yet again.
“How am I supposed to do this, Ames? I mean, seriously?” I stared at my hand where the small, white, plastic wand screamed an angry verdict at me. It both thrilled and terrified me, but after two weeks of constant nausea, I knew something was wrong. I made up a story about not being able to meet with him because I needed time to process what I thought.
“So you’re pregnant, hun. It happens. You can have it taken care of, or you can face the consequences.” To Amy it was cut-and-dry, but she was married to a man whom she deeply loved, and I was dating a billionaire who may or may not be a player only using me for my body. After last weekend at his place and experiencing his “late-night patients,” I wasn’t sure anymore.
It wasn’t the baby, honestly. It was more the fact that life was already so complicated with a sucky job, my parents so far away, the pressure from a misogynistic boss, a long-distance relationship, and not really knowing for sure if the man I was in love with actually loved me back, or if he was playing me too. If he’d ever been anything other than a player.
“I want nothing more than to be on that boat with him having the time of my life, but how do I explain why I’m not drinking? Because now that I know I’m pregnant, I can’t just gulp the whiskey to help me forget that he might only be using me. If it was just me, I could tolerate this…”
“And now that there’s a baby, you suddenly want more? You want the dream?” Her prying question wasn’t meant to be accusatory. She was just being a good friend. “Babe, you knew going into this he was probably not good for you, and you assumed that risk for your heart.”
I told her about what happened. How he vanished right after dinner last weekend only to return home well after midnight with no energy and zero sexual stamina, which previously he’d had plenty of. I was probably reading way too much into it; she’d already lectured me about that. But I was nervous. Being a mom was something I knew I wanted in my life. I just never pictured it like this.
“I’ve always wanted the dream. I don’t know. I think somewhere along the line I guess I wanted him to be different than everyone says he is.” I shrugged again and thought about what Lex said the night that condom broke, how we’d have a little family, how we had plenty of time to think about that and work it out.
“You don’t know anything, babe. He could very well be the best thing that’s ever happened to you still. You’re putting the cart before the horse. There is no proof he was doing anything other than what he told you.” Amy stood and slapped her thighs then sighed. “I have to run now. You should just call and tell him. I understand you want time to think it through, like how you’ll make the announcement and everything, but don’t be afraid of what the future holds, okay?”
I smiled at her and nodded. She was right. I was elated at the prospect of being a mother, and despite how I knew it would affect my career—in the short term at least—I was sort of excited. I had to remain confident in what Lex told me about the “what if” and put every other thought out of my head. Mr. James was wrong and I had to prove that. I had been determined from the very beginning to show everyone how Alexander Hartman was a good man, not a billionaire playboy. And I was still set on doing just that.
Even when Mr. James’s email showed up in my inbox and I opened it. There was a nasty letter about my work being boring and blasé. He insulted my grammar, belittled my ability for “real journalism,” and basically threatened to crucify me publicly if the next piece didn’t keep the readers’ attention. Then he ordered me to use a few images from other sources depicting Lex as everything I was struggling to believe he was not.
I cried.
My eyes hurt; my head hurt, and I was ready to climb in bed and sleep it all off when the morning sickness struck me again—third time this week—and I raced to the toilet. My supper came up and I’m pretty sure some of my small intestines too, it was just that violent. I wasn’t sure if it was all hormones or if some of my emotional stress had made it worse. It was like my boss was attacking the man I loved and I had to be the weapon by which the attack came. I couldn’t do it. Which meant I was going to lose my job.
Honestly, it was better than the alternative—losing Lex. I didn’t want to think about how that would go or how bad my heart would hurt. When I got into this, I resolved to ride the wave until it crashed on shore. I had no idea the wave would carry me to a tropical paradise with him. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place with a baby growing inside of me.
Crawling into bed feeling miserable—physically and emotionally—I thought of calling him just to hear his voice, but he would ask how I was and I’d have to tell him. And since I wanted to make my announcement special, not just blurt it out on the phone, I decided to wait until I was feeling a bit less angry with my boss.
Amy was right; I was overthinking everything. Lex was a good man, and I trusted my intuition even if dozens of tabloids, news outlets, and people thought differently. They all cherry-picked information and images in an attempt to fit their own narrative. People loved to hate the man for some reason, but I wasn’t one of them. I was someone in his corner, believing everything he said about his past and his present. I was the woman who loved him, who would fight to believe in his character against all odds.
Mr. James was wrong, and I wasn’t about to use those images to defame Lex. I didn’t know how I was going to pull off this story without getting fired for directly refusing an order, but I had to try. If worse came to worse, I could live with my parents for a while and search for a new job. It was a longer flight, but Lex and I were making long-distance dating work for us.
Now I just had to figure out how to tell him he was going to be a daddy. My hand cradled my stomach and I closed my eyes. I felt like wishing upon a star, though I knew wishes never came true, but this time, I really hoped against hope they would. I wanted Lex and this baby, and a family, and I wanted it all in a way that still allowed me to live my dream.