Chapter 20 #2
“Can I draw you a bath before I clean up the glass and leave?”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know I don’t.”
“It’s late. I’ll just shower after you leave.”
I drop the towel in the sink and wrap my arms around her, holding her against me. Feeling like I can do this. Feeling hope for the first time in so long. I thought about everything my father and Luca said. All through dinner. The entire ride home. While waiting for Elle’s date to return her home.
I’m saying fuck it, rolling the dice, and taking a chance. It’s terrifying, and the guilt I can’t help but feel threatens to overcome me, drag me down, and suffocate me. It feels impossible, but I won’t know if it truly is until I try.
And I want to do that with her.
“Are you upset I can’t stay?”
“I don’t know,” she whispers. “I know you can’t, but I don’t know what this is and I’m honestly afraid not only to ask but of what the answer will be.”
“Because you want this to happen or because you enjoyed the sex but aren’t ready for more than that?”
“Yes,” she says, throwing my non-answer back at me.
I kiss a trail up her neck and hold her tighter to me. “I don’t know if I’ll be good at this. And if I said I wasn’t struggling, I’d be lying to you. So how about that’s the promise we make? No lying. We take each day as it comes, and we see how it goes.”
She breathes out a sigh. “I can do that.”
“Good.” I reach up and squeeze her tit that’s still out of her bra.
She laughs. “I was wondering when you’d notice that.”
“I never stopped noticing. I was just trying to be a gentleman and clean you up.”
“I think breaking furniture, slapping my ass, and screwing me against my closet door doesn’t quite speak to you being a gentleman.”
“A gentleman on the streets and a freak in the sheets, then?”
She laughs, spinning in my arms. “You’re getting cute with the jokes.” She reaches up and pecks my lips. “How about we go clean up that mess so you can get home to Stella.”
“She’s asleep. I wouldn’t have come otherwise. Incidentally, I’d rather her not know what we’re up to.”
I get a small, jerky nod for that. The kind that tells me she has a lot on her mind.
I do too, but I don’t leave her until I’ve cleaned up the mess we made, making sure every last piece of the broken mirror—thankfully most of it was in big pieces—is gone.
She kisses me goodbye at the door, but it’s quiet and brief.
And as I walk across the lawn back to my house, step inside, and lock the door behind me, setting the alarm and heading upstairs, I wonder if anything will ever feel normal again.
Elle feels right in a way I wasn’t prepared for. From the second I saw her, everything with her has been a struggle and a fight to resist. To the point where what happened tonight almost feels inevitable.
I’m hoping it’s the same for her.
That even though we’re a disaster in the making, we don’t end like one.
I stop in at Stella’s door, listening against the wood. It’s quiet, and I open it a crack, peeking in on her. Stella is on her side, sound asleep, tucked tightly under her mountain of blankets. I open the door wider and step inside, looking around.
I don’t come in here often. It’s Stella’s room, and she’s a thirteen-year-old girl who values her space and privacy.
Her rainbow nightlight Layla bought her after Stella came out to her glows through the room, casting a warm, comforting light.
I love that she has that. People who love her no matter what.
Stella’s walls are almost bare. In fact, other than her bookshelf filled with books, there isn’t much here.
I bought this home because Reese loved it, loved how close to town it is, but I’ve always had dreams of building something for us.
A fresh start I was never able to comprehend but have found myself sketching more and more of this dream house in the last few weeks.
Would that make Stella happy?
If I bought a big plot of land she can grow whatever she wants on? Help design and decorate her room however she likes? I cross the large bedroom, running my fingers over her hair.
“I love you, Bellas.” My chest tightens as I stare down at my girl.
“I miss your mom. I wish she were here. You need that. A woman in your life. Someone you trust. Someone who will hold your heart and hear your words and keep them both safe. I try to be that someone for you, but I know you need more.”
I press my lips to her forehead. She needs more.
Is that why I’m so drawn to Elle? Because of the way she is with my daughter? The way my daughter is with her? No. I was drawn to her before that. Now I’m a planet, orbiting her. She’s a sun I never cared I was missing until she shined her light on me and my daughter.
Closing the door behind me, I walk down the hall, glancing down at my ruined shirt with a smile.
And when I look back up again, Elle’s light is on in her bedroom.
She was waiting for me. Her window is closed, so I don’t bother opening mine, but she’s standing there in a skimpy pink tank top and matching shorts.
Her skin glowing and her hair wet from her shower.
I fucking love her dark blond hair and those bright hazel eyes.
She’s radiant, and I’m falling. So hard I don’t think stopping is an option anymore.
I blow her a kiss, and she smiles before shutting out her bedroom light, so I do the same. In the darkness I go about getting ready for bed, taking a quick shower to wash off the sweat and sex still clinging to me, brushing my teeth, and then getting into bed.
I plug in my phone and catch the text I missed.
Good night : )
Elle.
I reply with the same. Catching myself smiling once again. She’s the air I haven’t breathed in so long. Life I never wanted to live again. I’m addicted. Addicted to her. To this feeling. To just plain old feeling again.
Now I just have to make sure I don’t fuck it up. For any of us.