Chapter 5 Dove
DOVE
I walk through the door after the hellish day I had to see Hanson setting the table.
The smell of a home-cooked meal has my stomach turn in hunger and guilt.
I never thought of Hanson as anything more than my best friend.
In all the years of our friendship, he has been my safe place. Shelly’s words are in my head now.
But Hanson would cook for any of his friends.
“Hey, you’re home. I hope you don’t mind that I cooked dinner? I was starving after setting up the nursery.”
I blow out a breath of relief. If Hanson ever admitted he has feelings for me, I know our friendship would be over. I can’t wrap my head around that possibility yet. I’m not ready to even think about what my life would be like without him. All I can do is hope Shelly is wrong.
“I don’t mind at all. I’m starving and exhausted and a little sick and a little wired and my feet might fall off my body.” I sit down at the table, groaning in relief.
“That’s a lot going on.” He places an entire roasted chicken in the middle of the table on the red serving dish my mother gifted me at Christmas.
That familiar sinking feeling in my stomach returns. I did not have a whole chicken in the fridge. He had to go buy it.
“I had the chicken delivered. I will admit, I cooked none of this because the best I can do on a good day is boil water.”
It’s like he can read my mind. I suppose after being friends for so long, we can read one another’s thoughts in a way.
“It looks amazing. Thank you. For everything, Hanson. I mean it. There’s no way I could have made this journey without you.” I rub my belly, doing my best not to tear up.
“Hey, no tears. None of that.” Hanson cuts me a piece of chicken and set’s it on my plate, adding a few roasted potatoes and green beans. “You’ll always have me, Dove. No matter what. Go on, eat up. Then, I’ll show you the nursery. How was your day? Tell me about it.”
I stab my fork into the green beans with a little too much violence.
“That good, huh?” Hanson chuckles, chewing a piece of chicken.
I sigh, realizing I’m more exhausted than hungry, and push my food around my plate.
“I hate Landon. He’s such a terrible boss.
I think he’s going to fire me when I have the baby.
He can’t legally fire me now, but once I’m on maternity leave?
Who knows what he’ll do, Hanson. I need this job, but Landon stresses me out. He makes the entire office miserable.”
“What did he do now?” Hanson sneers.
He’s never met Landon, but like the good friend that he is, he hates my boss by proxy.
“In order for me to have the weekend off, I had to agree to go to the War-Med Con and book the accommodations.”
Hanson drops his fork and folds his hands together, clearly pissed off. “You told him no, right?”
“Hanson—”
“Come on, Dove. You have to be responsible here. It isn’t about you anymore.”
I stand, slamming my fist on the table. “Excuse me? Not about me? Do you think I’ve stayed at this damn abusive job for my fucking health?” I yell, tears burning my eyes from how angry I am.
“You can’t keep making the excuse that this is about money, Dove. This is about you being too afraid to be without this job.”
“How dare you,” I snarl, voice full of venom and exhaustion.
Tears finally fall from the rage fueling my body.
“You have no idea what it’s like being a single pregnant woman.
Do you know how much it costs to have a baby?
Yes, I need the insurance so the birth is paid for, Hanson.
I need money to prepare. He offered me five thousand dollars to go to this Con, and yes, I shouldn’t go.
That’s the smart thing to do, but I’m not able to have that luxury. ”
“You’re going to have to sacrifice certain things now, Dove. You can’t work yourself to death. You can’t sacrifice your health for money. Jesus, what if you go into labor on the plane? Or when you’re there.”
I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. “I’m not going to go into labor on the plane. My god, Hanson. They have hospitals there. I’ll be fine. I’m not due until I get back from the trip anyway.”
“You can’t be that stupid.” He licks his teeth, sucking them with his tongue.
“Stupid?” I cross my arms over my chest, waiting for him to say what he means.
“You’re putting yourself at risk.”
“I have to!” I yell, choking on a sob.
I catch myself on the edge of the table when a Braxton Hicks contraction shoots across my stomach. I gasp, holding the side of my belly. All I can do is wait for it to pass.
“Is it time? Are you okay?” Hanson stands, pushing the seat back so hard it crashes on the hardwood floor.
“I’m fine,” I snap. “It’s not a real contraction.”
“Maybe we need to calm down. I don’t want our fight to cause early labor or put stress on you.”
I chuckle, then stare up at the ceiling trying to gather the rest of my energy to deal with him. He has me in disbelief for the first time in our entire friendship.
“I’m already stressed, Hanson. You’re so unbelievable.
Are you that close-minded? I’m a woman in a male-dominated industry.
I have to fight tooth and nail against them every damn day.
I have to hear disgusting remarks about myself more than three times a day.
I live in a very small two-bedroom apartment and need all the cash I can get my hands on to make sure I can be the best mother to my child.
That means making sacrifices. Do you think I want to be on my feet all day?
Do you think it’s easy for me to be this pregnant and working?
I’m exhausted. To my fucking bones. And you sit there and have the audacity to say I need to sacrifice or I’m not doing enough?
I’m doing everything!” I scream, pointing a finger at my chest. “I’m doing all I can.
I’m making sure my child has health insurance.
I’m making sure I don’t have the debt of labor hanging over us when he or she is born so I don’t have to work more to pay that off.
I will work until my fucking water breaks, Hanson. I don’t have the luxury otherwise.”
“Do you need money? I can give you the five thousand.”
I rear back. “You would offer me money? You have no idea what it’s like to work like this since you have a nice trust fund. The nerve to sit there and judge me when you’re so far from relating to me. I don’t want your money. And I don’t want your help.” I point to the front door. “Get out.”
Hanson’s anger flees, softening in sadness. “Dove, no. Come on. We can figure this out. I was just worried about you and I want you to be safe.”
“All I got from our conversation is your judgment. Please, leave.”
“Dove. Please. I’m sorry. Can we talk? Make me understand your side.”
“If I have yet to make you understand, then you truly have no concept of how hard life is for others. Continue to sit up on your throne made of cash while looking down on others, Hanson. I’ll be here.
” I stomp—waddle—to the door, swinging it wide open for him to leave.
“And don’t forget your damn chicken,” I add for no good reason.
His lips twitch, threatening a smile, but he covers it well knowing how serious this fight is. I’m not sure if we can come back from this.
“Dove. Everything I said came out wrong. I was scared and worried for you. I want to listen to what you have to say now.”
“I don’t want to listen to anything you have to say right now, Hanson. That’s the problem. I fight Landon every day and I don’t have the energy to fight you too. I need some time alone. I need to decompress.”
He nods, stepping outside. “You’ve never been alone, Dove. You aren’t in this alone. I would never let anything bad happen to either of you. It’s been at every appointment. It was me holding your hair the first trimester. I’ve been there every step of the way for you.”
“Are you telling me to remind me or to make me feel guilty for being mad at you? Because I know you’ve been there, Hanson.
You were there when I cried over the pregnancy test because I got pregnant on vacation from a man I barely know.
You didn’t judge me.” Tears choke my throat, causing my voice to heighten.
“And I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forget you coming to every appointment so I wasn’t alone.
But at the end of the day, I am. It’s me and this baby.
It’s me providing and being the best mother I can.
You’re an amazing friend, Hanson, but it’s still going to be me day to day, working myself to death to provide the best life I can for my child. Not you.”
He nods, scrubbing a hand over his face. Dark circles form under his eyes that weren’t there a few minutes ago. “I understand. I do. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. You’re still doing the heavy lifting. I’m sorry, Dove. Please, this isn’t like us. I don’t like it when we fight.”
“Because we don’t fight, Hanson. I need tonight, okay?” I place a hand on my stomach when another Braxton Hicks contraction tightens my belly. “Damn, these hurt.”
“Come on, you can still be mad at me while I help you to the couch. Then, I’ll leave. I promise.”
I lose my balance when another contraction hits. My hand slips from the door and I topple forward.
“Woah! I got you. It’s okay.” Hanson lifts me off my feet, rushing me to the couch.
He lays me down, plopping a pillow behind my head. “Do you need anything? Do I need to call the doctor? I don’t feel like contractions like this are normal.”
“They are. They aren’t real labor contractions. They still hurt, though.”
“I’m going to get you a cold rag. I don’t feel comfortable leaving, Dove.”
“I’ll be okay. I’ve been having these contractions the last couple of weeks.”
“You don’t have to be alone,” he reminds me. “I know it isn’t me going through this pain, but at least you’ll have someone here.” He pats my hand and stands from his squatting position. “I’ll be right back with that rag.”