Chapter 31
S printing down the hall, I throw on the first clothes I come across, grab my keys and phone, and I’m racing out the door after her.
What the hell did I just do?
I told a scared, vulnerable Grace, who just found out last night that she’s accidentally pregnant, that I was going to cut back her work. Her. Work. The one thing she loves above all else. The one constant in her life. The one thing she’s worked tirelessly for.
Everything she’s accomplished, she did it herself.
She had no parental support or financial backing from them.
She got herself a full scholarship to college. Paid for medical school with student loans—loans I know she’s still paying. Got herself a coveted residency position.
And I just made her believe it’s all at risk because I’m a stupid fucking caveman.
Dammit, Grace. Where are you?
“Did you see which way Grace went?” I ask the doorman as I fly out onto the street, frantically searching both ways.
“She went up toward the park, sir. I asked her if she needed any assistance and she declined.”
Of course she did. My girl likes to do it all herself because that’s what she’s used to.
But she has me now. God, she’s had me for so long, even when she didn’t know it.
Other than giving her a place to stay, what have I done to prove that to her though?
To prove that she can trust me? Open up to me?
I dictate and demand and alter behind her back. Where I thought I was being protective, she thought I was being controlling. I was so afraid to tell her how I felt because I didn’t think she was ready, and she ended up doubting me instead.
Everything I’ve done is wrong.
Except be with her.
Nothing has ever felt more right than being with her.
I have to apologize. I have to reassure her that I’ll be her partner in this.
My feet carry me through the empty park, save for a few homeless people sacked out under a random tree. It’s dangerous out here at this time of night and I hate the idea that she ran out into this darkness. I hate that I can’t find her.
I call her phone only for it to immediately go to voice mail.
It’s off, and that forces a feral growl from my throat.
I have no idea where to go and I’m not getting anywhere by searching on foot.
But after over an hour of searching by car and still coming up empty, I have no idea what to do. Everywhere I could think to go, I went. Oliver’s house was pitch black, no movement or life beyond the curtains. I tried calling her a dozen times, all with the same result.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize I said the wrong thing.
I wouldn’t cut her out of her career. I just don’t want her to stress herself.
Who knows what this pregnancy will do to her body and knowing Grace, she’ll just push through because she feels that’s what she has to do in order to prove herself.
But I handled it wrong.
Grace doesn’t need any man saving her, but hell if I don’t want to be the one she depends on.
Dawn takes over the sky, filling the passing landscape with hues of pink and gold, and I still can’t find her.
She hasn’t called or returned my texts, so I drive west, out into the suburbs, knocking on the one person’s door I can think of who might have the answers I need.
Landon opens for me, his green eyes tired with sleep, his hair all over the place.
“What’s going on?” he asks, worry now creasing his features when he sees it’s me and I likely look like hell rolled over me.
“I need to talk.”
He steps back, waving for me to enter and I head straight for the kitchen, because it’s far from Stella’s room and I don’t want to wake my niece. I practically collapse onto a stool at the island, staring down at the smooth stone and running my fingers along the gray pattern.
Landon quietly goes about brewing coffee, never one to demand but always one to listen. I’m grateful he’s giving me these few moments. I hadn’t realized I needed them.
Folding my hands on the counter, I slowly raise my eyes to his. “What I’m going to tell you stays between us.”
“Okay.”
He turns his back to me and the sound and smell of fresh coffee filling a pot fills the air.
“Grace is pregnant.” The words slide from my tongue, the admission easier than I thought it would be.
“She just told me this morning after she found out last night. She was visibly shaken and upset to start with. Panicky, I think. She kept saying she didn’t expect anything from me and shit like that.
She thought I was going to cast her away because she accidentally got pregnant. ”
“Which you would never do. Whether it was Grace or another woman.”
A smile attempts to flicker up the corners of my lips at his complete confidence in me, but I don’t feel prideful. I feel guilt and remorse and agony that I made her run off like that.
“Don’t go singing my praises yet, brother.
I ruined everything. We were talking and it was going well.
She was listening to me, and then I started to worry about her.
She had already hidden the fact that she had felt dizzy.
That’s what led her to discover she was pregnant in the first place. But by her hiding it, I…”
“Turned into a macho dick?”
I nod. “Something like that. I mentioned how we were going to have to adjust her work schedule. Pull back hours and surgeries.”
Landon slides a cup of black coffee in my direction, not even caring to ask if I want cream or sugar because Landon doesn’t do that.
You take what you get with him most of the time and are grateful for it.
It sounds fucked up, but believe me, right now, I am grateful.
He sits beside me, holding a cup of his own, blowing on it before taking a sip and then setting it back down again with a soft clink.
Finally, he exhales. “Alright. Let’s start with the basics. How do you feel about her being pregnant?”
“Surprised. Thrown off balance. Scared. Happy. The idea of her having my children feels like a gift I never considered dreaming of. I love her. I love her like mad. But she’s not on the same page with me on that. She hasn’t been this entire time.”
“You know that for sure?”
Do I? I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s right there with me. Sometimes I look into her eyes, and I know she feels something for me. I know it’s not anything insignificant either. Last night on the couch, we were tethered together, body, heart, soul.
Then she was gone when I woke.
“She hasn’t wanted to be in a relationship yet,” I go with instead. “After what she went through with Tony, I think she felt it was too much too soon to try to tackle. Too many obstacles for us to overcome. Sometimes I think she feels her career is all she has. The only thing that matters.”
“You remember what it was like to be a third-year resident. That is how it feels. Your career is your life. The thing that defines you most of all.”
I know. And I just threatened to mess with it, having the power to do just that.
“How did you react when Reese told you she was pregnant?”
I wait with bated breath for his response to my question.
We don’t talk about Reese with him because he doesn’t talk about her with us.
Not anymore. Only with Stella and then only in the capacity of how much Reese loved Stella and how much he loved Reese.
Landon’s pain and guilt thrives inside him and nothing we’ve done has been able to help that.
“I was twenty and in college,” he says with a hint of uncharacteristic humor in his voice.
“I freaked out. Thought our lives were over before they even began. There was only one thing I was certain of and that was that I was madly in love with her. That only she could ever be the future mother of my children, so why not start popping them out young.”
My heart hurts so much at the way he says that. A crushing vise we all feel whenever we think about all that Landon has been through.
“And now you have Stella.”
He takes another sip of his coffee. Clears his throat. “Now I have Stella. And with her, the only remaining piece of Reese. It was definitely not what we planned, but I would never change how it happened or that I have Stella now. She’s my world. The best part of my life.”
“You made it through college. Through medical school and residency and a demanding fellowship with a baby, and then a toddler and then child. How did you do it? I mean, I know, but I wasn’t around much. I wasn’t here, so I didn’t see it.”
“I had help, Carter. I had a lot of help. I had Mom and Dad and I hired nannies and put Stella in hospital daycares. Having money helps and I knew that was the one thing I’d never have to worry about. Stella would never want for anything other than the mother she lost.”
My head bows and I feel him grow tense beside me. Landon hates talking about this, but he’s doing it for me. The love my brothers feel for me and the love I feel in return still surprises me sometimes.
He sighs, sliding the mug in his hand back and forth.
“Truth, it was awful. I had just lost the love of my life and suddenly I was a single dad trying to get through medical school. I never slept. I hardly ate. But I did what I had to do, and I made it through. I thought about giving up, going into an easier specialty or leaving medicine altogether, but that’s not the father I wanted to be for Stella. ”
“I don’t want Grace to have to worry. But I worry about the extra strain and stress she’ll put on herself and her body. She’s epileptic. I’m terrified of what all those hours in the hospital and being pregnant will do to her and the baby.”
“Is that what you told her?”
“No. I told her we were going to cut back her hours and surgeries. Now she’s gone and I don’t know where she is or how to fix this.”
“By shutting your mouth and trusting the woman you love. By listening when she talks and considering her and not yourself. By showing her with your actions that she can trust you and open up to you. She’s been epileptic nearly her whole life and knows what she’s doing.
She doesn’t want to have seizures any more than you want her to have them. ”
He’s right. I know he’s right. The problem is, I’m not thinking like a doctor. I’m thinking like a man worried about his woman. About his baby.
“A hundred says she’s with Oliver. You came to me.
She goes to him. She’s smart and knows how to take care of herself.
So put that part out of your head. My advice is to listen and talk, not dictate.
Carter, you’re the middle child in a family of six kids.
You always had to assert yourself louder than the rest of us to be heard.
Had to demand things in order to get us to listen—which we still rarely did.
If you were Grace, would you want someone to sweep in and command how you should not only do your job, but live your life? ”
I sit back on the stool, thinking about Grace. About how stubborn and headstrong she is. Persistent.
We’re both alike in that.
Control is what we thrive on.
If I want to keep her, I must learn to trust her and vice versa.
Something she won’t do if I continue to stomp around, throwing my weight and position.
If I had trusted Grace, she wouldn’t have hidden anything from me because she would have trusted me in return.
I told her I want her to be partners, and so far, we haven’t done a great job in that.
We’re still so new with each other.
Clearly, we have a lot to figure out.
But first, I have to convince her that things are about to change. No more bullshit. No more messing around. No more running. It’s time she learned… she’s mine .