Chapter 38
I came here under the strict instructions, I need you to do me a solid and pick up Stella and Layla from a babysitting gig because I’m running behind with my patients.
That was from Landon and that text came about two hours ago.
Imagine my motherfucking surprise when I showed up at the hotel, only to find my ID being taken and my name being called upstairs to the higher-ups?
Security wouldn’t tell me a thing. All I knew when I stepped on the elevator was that I was to secure my niece and quasi niece.
Then Marco Morales and Maia Dawson answered the door.
I had forgotten about Raven’s gig with Wild Minds.
Mostly because I heard about it in passing months ago and Kaplan hadn’t mentioned a thing since. Neither had Raven. So I was feeling a bit bereft. A lot left in the dark and even more pissed off—I get I have no right after what I’ve put Raven through, but whatever.
Was I genuinely here to pick up the girls or was this a ruse to get me to see Raven?
Couldn’t tell you.
Even now, I still have no clue.
An adorably pregnant Viola Diamond came waltzing into the suite, searching for her girls, and that’s when I called Oliver to come and pick up Stella and Layla. The moment I heard those cello strings and realized the company, I knew there was no way I was going anywhere.
Irony? I had planned on doing all kinds of romantic things tonight with Raven.
Candles. Flowers. Chocolates—I knew those would be a winner. Dinner. Words—I had all the words planned. I needed everything in my arsenal of wooing, and I know this.
It had taken me a solid seventy-two hours to get everything straightened out with this grant.
To figure out how everything would end up working and create a solid plan.
A sellable plan. I can’t remember the last time I slept.
The number of times I had to talk myself out of calling or texting or running down to Raven’s apartment is ridiculous.
But I wasn’t going to half-ass this either.
She deserves more than that from me. She deserves everything, which is why I’ve held back.
Once Oliver showed up to collect our girls, Kaplan followed after him because I told his sneaky ass to leave, and now I’m the only one left. The man who has been watching her play and record with Wild Minds.
You have no clue how big my boner for my girl is right now.
Epic.
She’s so hot like this. All sexy and genius and take charge.
This woman… this is what I wanted for her.
It’s why I made the choice I made all those years ago.
It’s a very thin line. Between wanting to make the decision you feel is right in your gut for others and stepping back so they can take the reins and decide their own path.
Is there a wrong? Is there a right?
There might not be an answer to that, but regardless of the controversy, there are consequences. Either way you go, there are consequences. That’s what hurts us the most. The aftermath. Something that feels so right in the moment feels so very different days, weeks, or months after.
I can’t help but wonder if the choice I made now, the one she refused to force me into, will feel different.
Her eyes lock on mine and she freezes midstretch, her expression blanking out, and I have no idea what to do with that. I had already talked with the guys while Raven worked with Eden, so right now, all I want to do is grab my girl and go.
Raven blinks and then turns away, and my gut sinks.
She thanks the band, Marco, Maia, and Eden and then collects her things.
But the visible shift in her is clear. Her smile is gone.
Whatever one she’s forcing is just that, forced.
I’ve drained the light from her eyes, and I hate the idea that that’s how she’s been since she found out about the grant.
“Are you my ride?” she asks, finally coming over to me while searching around for Kaplan.
“If that’s okay. I sent Kaplan home. I was hoping we could talk.”
A head nod. That’s all I get, and it’s not a happy one at that. I grab her cello from her back so she can’t escape and then Marsellus, Wild Minds’ main security guy, walks us to the elevator.
We thank him, but the moment the doors close, I turn on her, grabbing her by the waist because I cannot fucking stand this another second. “I’ve made my decision.”
“Okay…” It’s a hoarse whisper that has her nervously licking her lips.
“The only reason it took me so long to tell you was because I had to figure some things out. Make some arrangements. It’s not because I wasn’t dying every second of every minute to see you. You told me you wanted me to have everything figured out and then I should come for you.”
“What arrangements have you made?”
“Hold that thought.” The elevator descends quickly, but I don’t want to have this conversation in the freezing cold garage or even in the car while I’m driving, so I press the button for the lobby.
The doors part and I take her hand, pulling her through the lobby as I search around for an optimal spot.
“This is why I wanted to have this conversation at home,” I gripe.
“Here.” I shift us into a small alcove between the front desk and the bathrooms. It’s quiet over here, unlike the sidewalk outside the building just beyond the windows.
It’s teeming with press, annoyingly similar to the front of my building, and who knew Boston had so many paps at their disposal.
“Luca, we could just talk about this in the car or back at home.”
“No. I can’t wait. I’ve waited three freaking days, Raven.
I’m done waiting.” I cup her face in my hands.
“You caught me at a bad moment on Monday. I was there, feeling crestfallen and stranded in indecision, which is ridiculous. I know it is, but you’ve called me petulant in the past and well, yeah.
I can be that sometimes. But in truth, how could I be stranded in indecision when there was no decision to make? ”
“What do you mean?” She shakes her head, her brows creasing.
“I’m staying,” I whisper into her. “I’m not taking the grant, Raven. I knew I wasn’t going to. I was just… battling the disappointment of that. Trying to find another angle when there isn’t one.”
“But Kaplan said it’s a grant you don’t turn down. That no one turns it down.”
A shrug. “Well, I did.”
“Luca—”
“I’m not leaving because I cannot leave you,” I tell her, cutting her off because I need to get this out.
“I want the grant. But I want you more. I want to be here when Rina gets married, and I want to be here when Carter and Grace have their baby. I want to be here when eventually Oliver proposes to Amelia for real and Landon moves into his dream home with Elle. I want to watch my perfect niece turn into a crazy, hormonal teenager. I want to be here for my mom and my dad. But I cannot leave you. Not ever again.”
Her chest rises and falls, each breath she takes deeper than the one before it. Her gaze dances back and forth between mine, almost as if she’s waiting for a but, but there is no but to this. Not really. It’s more of an adjustment to things.
Her hand hits my chest, over my pounding heart. “You won’t regret it? Turning this down and not going?”
“I’m bummed. I’m seriously bummed. But the arrangements I mentioned, well, I am going. To Nicaragua actually, not Brazil.”
“What?”
“Relax, baby, and let me finish. I wanted to have everything mapped out. This summer, I am taking a small sabbatical and I am going to work in a clinic that deals with primarily neuro cases. My plan is to go the week after the Fourth of July because I know the Pops do a special performance for that. So, I’m hoping you’ll consider taking two months off after that and come with me.
I was thinking… you could do some music therapy there.
I spoke with the director of the clinic, and he thought the patients would be very receptive to that.
If you don’t want to do that or you can’t, I’m still going, but it’s only for two months. Not two years.”
“Luca…”
“If it works out the way I hope it will, this might be something I’d do every year or every two years or however we can manage it.
I’m also toying with the idea of setting up my own sort of foundation that will help support such ventures.
My siblings said they’d be down to go and try something like that, but Carter obviously won’t go until the baby is at least a year and I doubt Landon will leave Stella for more than a week or two tops. ”
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll think about this summer. But this summer aside, two years is too long to go without you.”
Her arms wrap around my neck, dragging me in closer. “You’re staying? This isn’t some ‘I’m going to tell you I want forever and then decide in two days I’m going’?”
Wow. I was seriously an asshole to this woman when I did that. “No. I’m staying, baby. I’m not going. I’ll never do something like that to you again.”
“Good. Because even though I wouldn’t ask you to stay, I was dangerously close to doing it anyway.”
Hearing her say that has me winded.
“I shouldn’t have put that on you. I was…
upset. Like I said, you caught me in a bad moment.
I’ll have those sometimes. This stuff with my mom.
This grant. I’ve been a bit of a mess. But being with you, I’ve come to realize…
I’m not broken, and I’m not healed. I’m not lost, and I’m not found.
I’m not dark, and I’m not light. I’m not a disaster, and I’m not perfect.
I’m just me. But together we’re a flawless balance of all those things.
A symphony only you and I can hear. I can’t live without you.
But more importantly, I don’t want to try. Not ever again. I love you.”