16. Lauren
16
LAUREN
Jason sat across my bedroom on the stool next to my vanity, watching me pack. He'd been moody and brooding for two days since I told him I was going out of town with David. I had reached my breaking point as a caretaker and I needed time for self-care or I was going to self-destruct. I shoved my stack of clothing into the duffle bag and returned to my dresser where my makeup bag and toiletries sat.
"I'm sorry you're upset with me, bud. If you had made better choices, you wouldn't have that ankle monitor on your leg and you'd be able to hang out with your friends." Picking up my things, I turned back to my bag, but he wasn't having it. He was really upset.
"What will I eat? Huh? Like, what am I supposed to do the whole weekend?" He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, and I honestly didn’t know what to say to him.
I knew it was the wrong feeling to have toward my little brother, but I needed time away. I had stressed myself out so badly that my period was late and I was so emotional. Amber tried to link that to my risk of pregnancy, but I knew if I just got away and relaxed a little, I'd return better than ever.
"Amber will be here. She's promised to stay with you. You two can hang out."
"Great, just what I need. A babysitter." He got up and stormed out, and I slumped onto the foot of my bed and covered my face.
I knew he was just struggling and that the rehab place would really help him—both with the drugs and with his emotional struggles. And I also knew the way he was acting wasn't okay, but I had to tolerate some of it as I helped him. The problem was that I should have been in a completely different place in my life, and had my parents not died young, I would have. Jason would have been too. No one plans for life to go this way.
I heard the knock at the door that caused Jason to groan. Then I heard him stomp to his room and slam his door to hide. Part of me wanted to go lecture him, but I was too emotionally exhausted to say a thing. I slogged out to the living room and opened the door, and even before I opened, I knew it would be Amber. I'd invited her to chat about the weekend.
"Hey, Lauren." She waved a pizza box in the air. "I brought a snack." Her long, thick eyelashes batted at me as I accepted the gift and stepped aside so she could enter. "Where's Jace?"
"Locked himself in his room." I shut the door behind her and followed her to the couch.
"Oof, that bad?" We sat down, and I set the pizza on the coffee table before curling my legs up and sitting cross-legged. Being emotional had stolen my appetite, but if she insisted, I'd have a slice of pizza to not be rude.
"Yeah, he's mad that I'm going away." I watched her fold open the pizza box and pull out a slice. One was already missing, and she grinned at me as she took a large bite, then spoke with her mouth full.
"Hey, don't worry. We're going to have fun." I barely understood what she said with the food in her mouth, and I chuckled.
"You're gross." I laughed, but the weight of my issue with Jason made me sober almost instantly. "I might throw up." I faked another laugh, but I did feel a little nauseous.
"Hmm… how's that going, anyway?" Amber asked, and I was confused. I shook my head and furrowed my brow, and she clarified. "You know, you, David, sexy stuff…" Her eyebrows rose as she whispered, "Baby." Then she leaned her head down and stared me in the eye.
"I'm not pregnant, Amber." I rolled my eyes at her. "Please, you're making me have anxiety about something that I don't need to worry about. Sure, my period is late, but stress does that too… Like the sort of stress I’m under with Jason."
She chewed her next bite without talking through it and politely swallowed without showing me any of the chewed-up bits. I could tell by the look on her face that had she not been chewing, she'd have had some other argument to make about the topic, but I changed the subject before she got started again.
"So, Jason has to stay inside the apartment. His ankle monitor will track his movement if he leaves here. The cops will swing by to pick him up wherever he goes, and that won't be good." After learning he wouldn't be going to jail but would spend thirty days on house arrest for misdemeanor possession, I was thankful to the judge for not locking him up. I just needed some space from him for a few days.
"No problem. We'll watch movies and eat all your food." Amber tossed the crust into the box and grabbed another slice. A few years younger than me, she still had the appetite of a teen. I was sure she and Jason would get along fine, and I was so grateful she'd offered to help out when I mentioned needing someone to look in on him.
Amber went on about all the things she'd do with Jason while I was gone, but I was in my own head. My thoughts raced and it was hard to get control of them. This second time she brought up the potential for my being pregnant, I was starting to worry about it myself. The idea of having a baby with him made me smile, but it also made me think about how it would change the dynamic of our relationship.
We were only just starting out. We hadn’t even put a label on what we were to each other yet. It was great sex and we clicked as far as our personalities went, but we hadn’t discussed anything serious. A baby was extremely serious business too, not just a snag new couples hit. If I took a test, it would be very real to me and I'd have to face it, and right now, I couldn't take any more stress.
"Are you okay?" she asked, and I reached for the pizza box even though I wasn't really hungry.
"I'm good. I'm so glad you're going to be here to help keep an eye on him. Thank you for volunteering." The first bite of pizza was okay, and it stopped some of the nerves in my belly.
"Not a problem. That's what friends are for. Can you stock the freezer with rocky road?" She winked at me as she tossed the second crust into the box next to the first. I made sure to chew and swallow before responding.
"Sure, but you have to do the dishes. Or make Jace do them. Don't make me come home to a messy kitchen."
"Deal," she said, reaching into the box again as she rambled off a few more things on her wish list for snacks.
All I could do now, however, was think of David and how he may react if I really were pregnant. If he would be happy or want to start a family with me. If it would complicate the relationship, and if we were even compatible enough to form something long term like that. The more I thought about it, the more in love I was with the idea of me and David forever. The more in love I was with the idea that I could be pregnant and have his baby, someone to love so thoroughly I'd never feel alone again.
If I really were pregnant and he was happy about it, we'd make it work. I'd finish this year-long internship and transfer to a different hospital across town or something. We could go public then, and we'd have a normal life like any other couple. Everything would be great.
But if was a big word and there were a lot of ‘ifs’ in my dreaming and hoping. Maybe this weekend, I could feel him out a little and see where he stood. Maybe then, I'd feel more comfortable taking a pregnancy test.