20. Lauren
20
LAUREN
The bitter taste of bile in my sinuses was enough to make me want to retch again, so on my way to the lab to get the MRI scheduled, I stopped at the drinking fountain to get a sip of water. It was more obvious to me every day that passed that I was pregnant. My oopsie moment with David had led to a consequence I wasn't prepared for. It didn't make it devastating to me in any way. On the contrary, I was actually excited about it. I was just worried about how it was going to affect things.
The single thought of David being affected negatively by my choice in that moment made me so uneasy, I felt crippled by it. I sipped the water and forced back more tears. Too many people had already seen my puffy, red-rimmed eyes. I didn't need the whole hospital knowing I was a crybaby. And I didn't need a test to confirm to me the suspicion of pregnancy. The vomiting and overly heightened emotions did that.
When I was certain I had sipped enough water to sufficiently remove the bitter taste from the back of my throat, I headed to the lab. I tried to focus on other things, the passing food cart, the rhythmic click of my heels on the floor, anything to keep my mind from floating back to the fears that plagued me.
Patricia Downs was the RN on duty in the lab this afternoon. I knew her from a few stints she did in the ER with me last year. She was a nice woman, near retirement. She spent her entire career at Our Lady, and back when I first took over the ER, she was there coaching me and encouraging me. I held a soft spot in my heart for her, so I was glad to see her smile greet me when I walked in.
"Well if it isn't the amazing Dr. Lauren Newhouse." She opened her arms for a hug, and I leaned in to squeeze her. "Moving up in life and still not afraid to visit the low people." Patricia let me go, and I forced a smile.
"Honestly, I kinda miss the action of the ER at times." My thoughts raced with paranoia about my puffy face, but Patricia was too kind to bring up any personal stuff, especially if it was emotional. Still, her eyes searched me as if she wanted to.
"What brings you down here?" she asked. "We've missed you in the ER. I covered a shift last week, and it's running smoothly, but it’s just not the same without you."
"Bigger and better things, Patty." I showed her my tablet with the orders from David. "I miss the ER too, but I need to push on. We need a contrast MRI on a young patient. He has a blood clot somewhere we need to find before he has a stroke."
Patricia sat down at her desk and started typing on her keyboard, eyes locked on the computer screen. I knew one of the other interns was probably searching this up too, but I had connections they didn't have because I had relationships with a lot of these doctors and nurses.
"Looks like Moore is ready in twenty minutes." She typed more, and I scowled.
"I need the best, Patty. This boy is really sick." Tapping my fingers on the corner of her desk, I waited.
"Then Johnson in forty-five… He's the best and you know it." She looked up at me, and I nodded.
"Sign him up." As she put the entry in to schedule the boy for his MRI, I started to wonder what she'd seen and experienced around here. I wanted to tell the board about the relationship so desperately, but David was opposed. I thought maybe if I heard of some situations where it had gone well, he may change his mind. Interactions like the one we just had were uncomfortable.
I didn’t think we needed to be able to play kissy-face in front of coworkers or flaunt that he loved me. People really would think he was biased. But when there were moments of personal interaction, I felt deeply uncomfortable for fear that David would get in trouble or that he'd be upset with me in the aftermath of that.
"Patty," I said unconsciously. Then when she looked up at me, my mouth took over and my brain shut off. "Have you ever known any doctors who dated a coworker here at Our Lady?"
My fingers continued to tap on the corner of her desk while hers clicked away at the keys. But with the way her forehead creased, I knew she was thinking and typing at the same time. After a few seconds, she hit the enter key dramatically with a single finger and then smiled at me.
"Of course. I've been working here for almost thirty years. I get to retire next spring." Patricia folded her hands over her desk and asked, "What do you want to know?"
I grimaced and realized I was showing my hand a little, but my curiosity was killing me. "The good, the bad, and the ugly."
She chuckled. "Well, I've only seen two successful attempts. Most folks never get past the first week. Once, I saw someone be fired on the spot for the announcement to HR—of course, that was a superior and his subordinate who had sex on hospital property." Her tone of disapproval was evident, but she continued after a deep breath. "But you know Roger and Emily. They were working in radiology together for a few years before they started dating. They sort of sailed through because they were such a good team. Emily volunteered to go to a different department. Since Our Lady is a teaching hospital, they let her off easy."
My stomach churned again as I thought of that idea. I could never go to a different department. I'd already been in a different one. This was the highest paying position in the hospital for someone with my level of education and experience. I got paid more than the other interns too, which if they knew would mean some embarrassing red tape to deal with.
"And the other couple that was successful?" I asked, praying to whatever gods may be listening that she had some sort of happy ending tale for me.
"Well, that's a bit different. They didn't sail through, but they're still here. Dr. Howard McClain and his wife, Birdie. They’re both in pediatrics. They were peers, struggled with the policies HR put in place for them, but they were determined to make it work. Ten years later, he's her boss due to a promotion and she works well under his authority, but they're still under a microscope. Why do you ask, honey? Is something bothering you?" This wasn't Patricia being nosy. I could see by the expression of concern that she was thinking of me, not a juicy tidbit of gossip.
"Honestly, I don't know. I'm okay for now. Just a sticky situation I'm in and trying to figure out where it's going." I picked up my tablet and saw the new order put in for the boy. Patricia had overridden the test scheduled by Dr. Baine or Holt, whoever David put on it.
"Well, I'm here if you need to talk. And loose lips sink ships, if you know what I mean. I can keep a secret." She stood again but didn't round her desk to hug me.
"Thanks, Patty. I might just take you up on that." Another forced smile, and I was out the door and on my way back to diagnostics.
Those situations didn't sound promising at all. David had probably done his research too and learned the same thing. If he realized that we'd be dogged by hospital administration and chosen to keep things on the down low for a while, it meant maybe he was having second thoughts about us too. Anything worth having was worth fighting for, right? So why didn't he want to fight for me the way Dr. McClain fought for Birdie?
Emotion made my chest swell and my stomach roll. It wasn't enough that strong smells or an empty stomach made me queasy. Emotions made me feel that way too. I darted as quickly as I could to the bathroom and into a stall where I locked myself away and dropped to my knees. The tablet fell on the floor beside me as I hovered over the porcelain bowl and my stomach dry-heaved. Nothing would come up, but it sure tried. I felt like my insides would come out through my mouth.
Was I stupid for thinking that David and I and this tiny baby I just knew was in my womb had a future? I had been so sure we were meant to be that I was willing to put my career at risk to tell the board. I'd been worrying myself sick over what that would do to David emotionally and in his professional life and I'd been distracted and unfocused at work.
After hearing that story, though, I didn't know what to think. David should have been screaming his love from the rooftops, not cowering behind some hospital policy. He should have been telling the world and fighting for our relationship, but instead, he was holding back. Afraid to tell people about us? Embarrassed by his choice in a partner? I didn't know which, but the prospects had me sobbing over the toilet while my stomach tried to turn itself inside out.
One thing was certain. I had to go to the pharmacy and get a test and take it. I couldn't keep freaking myself out if there was even a hint of a chance I wasn't pregnant. I'd be sad, because I had already grown fond of the idea of being a mother. But there was no sense in getting anyone bent out of shape over this whole thing if I wasn't even pregnant.
I struggled to my feet and got my tablet, flushed the toilet, then rinsed my mouth and washed my face again. This time, I had to hide a bit longer for my puffy face to return to a semblance of normalcy, and when I went back to work, I had to be on my toes. David could read me like a book, and I just wanted to hide. I couldn't wait for this day to be over.