28. Lauren
28
LAUREN
I parked the uncomfortable wood and vinyl chair by the edge of Jason's padded hospital bed where his hands were cuffed to the railings and sat there. All night, I waited for him to stir and wake, but even with four cups of coffee and a horribly stiff neck, I struggled to stay awake. My body draped over the railing. I dozed lightly as the sun started to lighten the sky, and the room was finally quiet.
Amber and I had spent the entire night hovering, and she served me dutifully as a best friend would. I sent her to get breakfast, but her hand on my shoulder shook me awake about an hour later and she dangled a phone charger in front of my face. I blinked and rubbed my tired eyes and took it from her.
"You went home?" I struggled to sit up. The pain in my neck made it hard to move.
"Yeah, your phone was dead and I knew you would want it. Besides, your breath is awful." She snickered as she reached into her handbag and produced my toothbrush and toothpaste. I didn't know if I could even go back into that apartment right now. I was so grateful for her compassion.
" Thanks ," I said jokingly, but I took the items from her.
"Any change?" Amber plopped on the other hard chair and set her bag at her feet as she looked over at Jason's pale face. He hadn't even moved. I didn't know why they had him strapped down like a flight risk. Though, my specialty wasn't in drug rehab medicine. I was an ER doc before working with David. My job was to triage, treat, and release, or admit and turn things over to the attendings.
"Nothing." I had watched his vitals all night. As a doctor, it was twice as hard for me to be the "family of the patient". I noticed little things they didn’t do or tests I'd have run. I outranked all of the nurses and orderlies who came into the room, but all of them balked at my thoughts and opinions as if I were just a nobody and not a licensed doctor. "They're still waiting on him to wake up."
It didn't look good for him, either. I knew as well as any other trained physician that the longer it took him to wake up while not under sedation, the more risk there was of brain damage. Overdose was one of those scary things where there wasn't an exact science or predictability to it.
"God, I'm so sorry this is happening, Lauren." Amber's support was comforting, but there was nothing either of us could do but sit and wait it out. I was stir crazy, though, ready to get out and work off some of the nerves, but my body was zapped of energy.
"We just have to take one moment at a time now." It was something I said to patients' families all the time. Somehow, it felt hollow when I said it to her and myself, though. It was supposed to temper the anxious response and ground us in the present, but it felt like a lead weight to my hope. I vowed to myself to not say that to my patients' families anymore.
Amber sat watching my brother thoughtfully while I stood and walked to the counter across the room where I set my purse. I dug through it to take out my phone that had been dead all night and plugged it in. It took a minute for the phone to power on and the screen to glow, and when it did I noticed I had a few missed calls and a voicemail from David. He probably got the memo that I wouldn't be at work for a few days and wondered what was wrong. It made my heart sad but I couldn't talk to him right now. Jason had to be my priority for as long as he was in the hospital, and every second I spent thinking about David or my job or the baby was a second Jason slipped farther away.
The text message David sent just said to call him. I figured the voicemails were more of the same. It brought me down to even think about calling him. I was carrying his baby, a child I'd birth into this messed-up world where addiction and pain were normal. I hated that idea, that the corruption of this existence would be something that would ever touch my child's life. It brought tears to my eyes.
I sniffled, and Amber was by my side instantly. She was more like a sister than a friend. I clung to her as I let out the emotion of the past twelve hours. "What am I going to do?" I sobbed, thinking of every part of this situation and my life. I felt like collapsing under the weight, but somehow, I'd managed to keep going for so long. I was certain normal people would have asked for help, but I wasn't normal. I was too proud to be normal.
"Hey… shh. It's going to be okay. Jace is in a great place, babe. Our Lady is the best hospital in the city." Amber's hand smoothed up and down my back as I unleashed the fury of my fears on her shoulder.
"The rehab program is such crap!" I was angry over how many times Jason had tried and failed here. Amber's words were true, that Our Lady was an amazing hospital, but in my opinion, they'd failed him before. They would only fail again. Or maybe that was the fear talking too, that one parent had died, and then I'd lost the other. It stole my hope for any goodness in my future. One failure sealed the deal.
"Okay… I know. You want him to get into that other program and they have a much higher success rate." Her soothing was helping, but it didn't erase all of the emotion. I held her for a few more minutes until my phone rang and I was forced to pull away.
I left a message on the voicemail of the program director and hoped she would return my call. I planned to apply for assistance through their services if I qualified. But it wasn't her. It was someone from Our Lady, and I could only guess that it was probably David calling from a hospital phone. It was time to clock into work and he probably wanted to know what was going on.
"Look, I have to take this…" I didn't want to, but if I ignored it, I was risking my job. We promised to be professional, and that would be his only recourse. I did leave the excuse, but if I refused his calls now, it would look bad.
"Go ahead," Amber said. "I'll sit by him."
She snuck over to my chair and sat down, and I unplugged the phone and walked into the hallway. It was at five percent, so barely enough battery to have a five-minute call, but that was all I'd need, anyway. I swiped at my eyes and held the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I hoped the emotion I was experiencing was as evident in my voice as it was on my face. Passing nurses offered looks of sympathy. I didn't know if they knew who I was or what I was doing there, but I'd been one of those people offering those looks before. I hated this side of the situation.
" Dr. Newhouse, this is Henry Burgeon. I'm a board member here at Our Lady. Do you have a moment? " Even he sounded sympathetic, so clearly, he heard how upset I was.
"Of course," I said, sniffling.
" Is everything okay? "
I turned my back to the hallway, hoping to shield myself from the pity of others. "Uh, just dealing with a family situation. Are you calling because I called in to work today? My brother is in the hospital and I?—"
" Oh, nothing like that ." He interrupted me, and I was surprised enough to just pause and let him continue. If it wasn’t about calling in, then what was it about? Was this the call? The one where the board questioned me about David?
" Dr. Newhouse, the board would like a moment of your time later today if you can slip away. We need to ask you a few questions about Dr. Park and his professional conduct at work. Would you be able to spare thirty minutes? "
I swallowed hard and felt the swirl of a guilty conscience. Would I even be able to stand in front of that board and answer them honestly? What if they asked about his personal relationships and such? Would I end up having to lie to them? And what if I couldn't?
"Uh, sure…" I stammered, feeling like throwing up. It was normal this time of day, but today, it was magnified—the emotion and anxiety.
" Good, how about two this afternoon? You know where the board room is? " Henry sounded kind and understanding, but I knew this had to be a delicate situation for everyone. He probably wasn't happy about this either. I wanted information about what was going on, but I didn't want the spotlight, and since everything seemed to be coming to a head at the same time, I just wanted it over.
"Two o'clock is fine. I’ll be there."
" Good, see you then ."
He hung up, and my hand was trembling. My phone flashed a warning of one percent battery, and I watched it die, wishing that call had been David instead. We might have bickered or had an awkward conversation about our future, but I'd have been able to tell him about Jason and he'd have come to hold me, at least.
I pushed the door open and walked back into the room. As I plugged my phone back in, Amber vacated my seat. I said nothing as I sat and scooped up his hand and pressed it to my forehead. David was clearly in deep and I had no clue why. Rumors that he had been arrested over something to do with a patient didn't make sense. He was the most professional doctor on hospital staff, which made me think they knew about the affair. Or at the very least, that he was involved with someone on staff, even if they didn’t know who. If that was the case, he was protecting me, which explained why he refused to go to the board and why he was being overly professional and somewhat cold at times.
"Would you stay with Jason while I go to a meeting this afternoon?" I wouldn't tell Amber what the meeting was about. I'd let her assume it was the rehab place or whatever she wanted to assume.
"Of course I will." Her immediate response was expected. She'd do whatever I asked and I loved her for that. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, just something I have to make right before it goes wrong…" That's what I felt, anyway. That David was making the wrong choice somehow. I would take the blame. I could tell them it was all my idea and he wasn't to blame. I'd take the lumps and let them fire me. I'd move myself and Jason out of this city and get him somewhere that drugs weren't so accessible, and somehow, with a broken heart and a pile of debt, I'd start over—with a baby. If it meant saving David, I would.
I had to. It was the right thing.