5. Ally
5
ALLY
I walk into the apartment I share with my best friend, Grace, and she sits up on the couch.
“Hey, you’re late. I was starting to worry. How was your day?”
I hang my purse up on the hook and slip out of my coat. “Not great.”
Her brows lift and she pats the empty spot on the couch. “Sit. Tell me about it.”
I move across the room and have a seat next to her. She has a bowl of popcorn in her lap and offers some to me, but I wave her off. I don’t have much of an appetite after the day I’ve had.
“Before lunch, everything was fine, but after lunch… everything went to shit.”
“What happened?”
“A teenage boy went into cardiac arrest, and I froze.”
Her face softens.
“Everyone was rushing in to work on him. His parents were standing there. His mother was sobbing, and his father was holding her back. The pain on their faces was unbearable. And there I was, frozen, just watching everything unfold. I couldn’t do anything, Grace. I mean, I looked like I didn’t care about their son. They probably think I’m such an asshole.”
“They do not,” she assures me, rubbing my arm. “It was your first day. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I’ve been training for this for years,” I remind her.
“It takes years of schooling and years of hands-on training to be good, Ally. Everyone starts out just like you. That first big emergency hits and it’s like every piece of knowledge you have just flies right out of your head.”
“Yes! Exactly.”
She nods. “I know. I’ve seen it happen to every nurse that’s come through there. I’ve even seen it happen to new doctors. Nobody is immune. You just have to learn to trust yourself, and trust your instincts.” She tucks her red hair behind her ear. “Those parents didn’t even notice that you didn’t react. They were too focused on their child to see anything else in that room, trust me.” As the hospital’s child life specialist, Grace has dealt with many grieving parents, so I know she knows what she’s talking about.
“Thankfully, Dr. Cole saw me and knew what was going on. He pulled me out of my panicked state.”
“He’s a good doctor.”
“He is. He even gave me an amazing pep talk.”
Her brows lift. “He did what ?”
I nod, now reaching over and taking her bowl of popcorn. “I was sitting on the bench in the lobby, having an existential crisis, and he came over, sat down beside me, and talked to me. He asked me what was wrong, and when I held back, he pushed until I spilled the beans. Then, he talked me into coming back to work. I’ve heard how rough he can be, but I’ve only seen the soft and caring side.” I shrug before popping a piece of popcorn into my mouth.
“Huh,” is all she says. She turns her head to the side and stares into space, lost in thought.
“What?”
She shakes her head. “It’s just that…” She looks at me again. “I’m just wondering who you met because that doesn’t sound like Dr. Cole.”
I laugh.
“No, I’m serious. You’re sure it was Dr. Cole?”
I laugh again. “Yes, Val introduced me to him this morning. We had a whole conversation about how he gave a graduation speech at my school last year.”
She nods. “Yeah, that’s Dr. Cole. So weird.”
“Why is it weird?”
“What do you know about him?”
I pop another piece of popcorn into my mouth. “Nothing. I just met the man today.”
She turns to face me, pulling her feet up beneath her. “Dr. Cole used to be married.”
“Oh?”
She nods. “And from what I’ve heard, she this gorgeous woman who was perfect in every way. They met soon after he moved to the city to take a position at the hospital. Love at first sight. They went from being strangers to serious dating to getting married.”
“Wow.”
“I guess after they got married, they tried to start a family for a long time, but it never happened. So, Dr. Cole’s wife went to find out if some medical problem was keeping her from conceiving. I don’t know the exact diagnosis, but she found out that if she got pregnant, it could be fatal for her, so they decided not to have children.”
“Wow, that’s sad.”
She nods. “Yeah. I don’t know everything that happened, just what I’ve been told. I guess at some point, years later, she felt unfulfilled. She didn’t have anywhere else to go in her career, she’d topped out, and she was still young. Not having kids helped her climb the corporate ladder quickly. She got bored just living for work and only being a wife. She wanted to be a mother. So, she talked Dr. Cole into trying for kids again. At first, he resisted because he didn’t want anything to happen to her, and he knew how hard she’d take it if she got pregnant and lost the baby. But she kept on him about it until he gave in.”
“Oh no,” I breathe.
“I guess things were fine for a while. But then, he came home from work one evening to find her on the floor, covered in blood. He called an ambulance, but…” She shakes her head.
I gasp, my hand moving up to cover my mouth. “Did she?”
She nods. “The baby, too.”
My eyes fill with tears. “Oh my gosh.”
“I know. So sad.” She purses her lips and takes a breath. “I didn’t know him then. I’ve only known this version, and he’s not like anything you’re telling me. He’s very impatient, gruff, and to the point. He doesn’t care about being polite or hurting anyone’s feelings. And he gets away with it because he’s one hell of a doctor. Everyone knows what he’s been through, and they’ve just accepted that this is who he is now.”
I wipe the unshed tears from my eyes. “So, why do you think he’s different with me?”
She shrugs. “No idea. Maybe he sees something in you. Or maybe you remind him of someone?”
I pass the bowl back. “I’m going to take a shower. It’s been a long-ass day. I thought I’d be happy getting out of school, but now, I’m glad I have class tomorrow.” I laugh as I stand, moving through the living room and down the hallway to my bedroom. I kick off my shoes, take out my earrings, and remove the braid from my hair. I strip out of my scrubs and pull on my robe to head to the bathroom. Inside, I turn the shower on and drop my robe, stepping inside where the hot water immediately starts to relieve some stress. I dip my head back and let it run over my hair as the outside world falls away. My eyes close and thoughts of him fill my mind.
I picture the way he looked at me today, and how his eyes darkened and his Adam’s apple bobbed. I think of the way he made my blood warm from his shoulder touching mine, and my stomach muscles clench as a tingle washes through me. The junction between my legs begins to throb, and then my blood runs cold, and my eyes pop open.
What am I doing?
I can’t have a crush on my superior.
In my twenty-four years of life, there’s never been a man I couldn’t resist. Nobody has ever gotten under my skin. I never understood why girls would do anything to be with a boy. In fact, I made it a goal to stay away from boys for as long as I could. When you were raised the way I was, boys were not a good thing.
My father ran off and left my mother when she found out she was pregnant with me. She struggled to provide for us, and our life was anything but stable. We moved almost every month because it was nearly impossible for her to keep up with rent. At one point, we slept in the car and had to move it from one parking spot to another to avoid parking tickets. Things got easier as I got older, though. I took care of myself more, and that freed up more time for her to work. But that’s also when she started a long line of men. Some of them were okay, but most were addicts who abused her. It’s because of the things I saw growing up that I vowed to stay away from men and to work hard so I never had to worry about being homeless again. My only goal in life is to not turn into my mother.
Yet, here I am, my first day on the job, and I’m already lusting after my boss. I don’t even know what about him draws me in. He’s much older than me, and I’ve never had a thing for older men. Maybe it’s just a mixture of being tired and stressed, and having him sit and talk with me today. We had an emotional connection during that conversation. Maybe that’s what I feel. It isn’t sexual; it’s emotional. He made contact at a moment when I needed someone.
But if it isn’t sexual, why can I feel my heartbeat between my thighs?
Maybe because I’m a twenty-four-year-old virgin. Even if I’ve avoided sleeping with someone to protect my future, I’m still a woman with needs. Maybe I need to do some research on virgin women and the links to emotional support and sexual awareness. Or I could just push all of this from my mind and keep my eye on the prize like I always have. It’s gotten me this far.
***
“There you are. How did yesterday go?” my friend Tray asks as he steps into the coffee line behind me.
I roll my eyes. “Not good. I crashed and burned, but I’m going back tomorrow with my head held high. I made a crappy first impression, but I’m going to pull myself together and show them that I belong there and can handle my shit.”
He smiles. “Good for you.”
I step up as the line moves. “When’s your first shift?”
“This afternoon. I’m nervous as hell.”
“You’ll do fine. You know your stuff,” I tell him.
“You know your stuff, too, and if you did as bad as you say you did…”
I chuckle before stepping up to the coffee cart to order. Tray adds his to the order and passes over cash for both.
“You don’t have to do that.”
He waves off my concern. “My treat. You can pay me back by giving me some tips so I don’t suck today.”
I roll my eyes. “The whole point of a treat is that you don’t have to work for it.”
“Come on, Ally. Help a friend out,” he says, bumping my elbow with his.
“Okay,” I agree, taking my coffee. “Ummmm, let me think,” I say, noticing how close he’s walking to me. Our shoulders keep bumping together, so I take a step away. “Brush up on your codes. They call them all day long.”
He nods. “I got them all right here,” he says, tapping his temple.
“Everyone says Dr. Cole will run you down if you get in his way, but you’ll have to figure that out for yourself because he was really nice to me.”
He snorts. “Probably because you’re a pretty girl.”
I snort. “No; he’s much older. He wasn’t creepy at all, just a nice, caring guy.”
Tray rolls his eyes. “Okay, what else?”
“Try and shadow Val if you can. She’s super nice and understanding. Plus, she’s very thorough about explaining things, and she has a sense of humor, so the time passes quickly.”
“Okay, this is good. What else?”
“Keep a pen and a small notebook in your pocket. If you’re given orders to get something or do something, and you think there’s even the slightest chance you’ll forget, write it down. I know, you think writing it down will make you look stupid, but it will only make it look like you care about getting stuff done.”
“That’s great. Thanks for the tips, Ally.”
“No problem. Are you ready to get this morning started?” I ask, pausing at the door of our first class.
He snorts. “No, but that won’t stop time, so we might as well.”
We walk into class together and take our usual seats. I sit in the middle of the room so I’m far enough from the windows I won’t be distracted, but I’m also far enough away from the door that I also won’t try to look out into the hallway. Tray sits beside me like every other day, and we pull out our laptops to take notes when class starts.
Professor Moore walks in and starts the lecture. She dims the lights as the projector puts the lesson up on the smart board. Everyone starts typing, their fingers making the keys on their computers click, but instead of paying attention and taking notes, I go back to thinking about Dr. Cole and the curve of his lips.
Is Dr. Cole my new obsession? For my future’s sake, I hope not.