18. Ethan
18
ETHAN
A week passes far too slowly, but I guess that’s what happens when there’s someone you want and try not to touch.
I can’t escape her. At work, she’s there, and when I go home, she’s all I can think about.
I can’t even escape her in my sleep because I dream of her.
We haven’t touched since last week in my office. We haven’t met up again, nor have we spoken on a personal level. We might have said a polite word or two as we work together around the hospital, but we haven’t spent any time alone or said anything to draw unwanted attention.
We’re in limbo, each wanting the other to make a move.
I’ve been going back and forth on how I feel about all this. I know it’s wrong for a plethora of reasons: she’s too young, I’m her boss, I’m bitter and broken, and she’s still full of life and excitement. I couldn’t possibly do anything but stub out the fire of passion burning inside her. On the other hand, this is the first time in six long years that I’ve felt alive, and I know it’s because of her. Already, she’s lighting up my world. We’re complete opposites. She’s young, I’m old. She’s a go-getter, and I’ve been fine standing in the same spot, doing the bare minimum. She’s hopeful. I’m hopeless. She’s light; I’m dark. I hope her goodness can bring me to life again, but I worry that my depression, loss, and desperation will only put out her light.
“Are you coming to the break room for cake?” Val asks when I step up to the nurse’s station. Ally is sitting on the other side of the desk, and when Val asks me this, Ally’s blue eyes jump up to my face.
“Cake?” I ask, confused as I look between the two nurses.
Val nods. “Yeah, this is Stephanie’s last day before she goes on maternity leave, so we’re throwing her a little party. There’s plenty of food, cake, and drinks for everyone. You’re more than welcome to join. Even grump doctors deserve something sweet.” She grins. “But actually, we’re all just hoping you absorb some of that sweetness, so it puts you in a better mood.”
A chuckle falls from my lips. “You know, I’ve fired nurses for less,” I tease.
She shrugs. “I dare you. We both know this place would fall apart without me. That’s why I’m still here and everyone else has drifted into the wind.”
I smile and shake my head, looking down at Ally. “Can you believe her?” I nod toward Val.
Ally smiles wide and shrugs. “There’s nothing wrong with being confident.”
“I’d say overly confident, but what do I know? I’m just the guy who wears the white coat around here,” I say, backing away from the nurse’s station to go back to work.
I hear the women talking behind me, and it sounds like Val is surprised by my good mood. She’s questioning what’s going on in my life to have changed me so suddenly. I glance over my shoulder before walking into the next room, seeing Ally shrug as she watches me go. She knows she’s the change. How long can we keep this up, and what happens when it’s time to go our separate ways? Will I be more broken than before, or will this give me the push I need to move on like Noah thinks it will?
After lunch, I move to the break room for the party. When I enter, most of the day nurses have just clocked out and the evening nurses have just clocked in. The nurses coming on quickly grabbed plates of food and cake and rush out to eat between patients. The day shift is off the clock and able to sit, relax, and talk while they eat, and Ally is one of them.
When I walk into the room, I see her immediately without having to scan the room. As badly as I want to walk over to her, I know I can’t. I have to play it cool so nobody picks up on anything. Instead, I move to the opposite side of the room and pour a glass of iced tea.
“Dr. Cole, thanks for coming.”
I turn to find Stephanie. “I couldn’t let you take off without a proper goodbye.” I set my glass down on the counter. “I don’t know if you’ve had a baby shower, but I did want to give you a small gift as a token of my appreciation.” I pull out an envelope from the pocket of my lab coat. “I know you’re taking maternity leave, and this time is important to building a relationship with your new child, but don’t forget that your baby is nothing without well-cared-for parents. A child can’t thrive unless it’s shown how to, and that starts with taking care of you.”
She takes the envelope with a smile. “Thank you, Dr. Cole,” she says opening it.
“What did you get?” Val asks from a few steps away.
Stephanie opens the envelope and pulls out the certificate. She gasps as she reads over it. “It’s a trip to a luxury hotel and spa upstate.”
I nod. “That’s right. And I hear that they have an amazing nursery for children while mom is getting pampered.”
“This is so amazing. Thank you, Dr. Cole.” She leans in, awkwardly hugging me. “I’m going to call my husband to tell him!” She rushes from the room.
“That’s a really great gift, Dr. Cole,” Val says.
I grab my tea and take a drink, waving off her praises.
“And to think, the only thing I got her was this cake.” She laughs and several others join in.
Noah comes into the break room. Apparently, he wasn’t invited to the party, because he looked around in confusion before moving toward me. “What’s going on in here? You having a party?”
“It’s not my party,” I tell him. “It’s a little get-together for one of the nurses who’s going on maternity leave.”
“Ahhh. Oh, cake. Can I have some?”
Val laughs. “Help yourself, Dr. Vaughn.”
Everyone splits up into little groups. Noah and I huddle in the corner, eating cake, and talking about what’s going on in the hospital. The nurses who work most together, such as Ally and Val and a few others, sit at the round table in the center of the room. A few orderlies are grouped together as well, everyone carrying on conversations. With everyone occupied by what’s going on, Ally and I have more than enough time to glance longingly at one another. When I look up and catch her staring, I see her cheeks flush and she bites her lower lip before diverting her eyes. That innocent look makes my cock twitch with need.
Slowly but surely, everyone leaves but Noah, Ally, and me. When the last nurse walks away from Ally, Noah glances toward the door, knowing that if he leaves, she and I will be completely alone.
“I should go. It’s getting late.” He pats my arm before walking toward the door. “You two enjoy the rest of your evening.”
Ally watches him walk out before she glances at me. “It is getting pretty late. I guess I should take off, too.”
I nod. “Yeah, me too.” I look at my watch, noticing that it’s going on eight p.m. “It’s already dark out. I hate to think of you walking through the city alone. You want a ride?”
Her brows lift in surprise, and she nods. “Yeah, sure.”
“I’m going to stop by my office and hang up my coat. Meet me at the parking garage in ten?”
She nods and smiles.
Ten minutes later, we are in my car as I steer through the garage for the bay doors. The smell of her perfume fills the small space, and I breathe it in deeply. It’s been one hell of a week, and more than anything, I’ve missed her. “It’s been a long week.”
She nods. “Yes, it has.”
“We haven’t had much time to talk or figure anything out.” I look at her. “I didn’t want to ask you inside, but… do you want to come back to my place? We can open a bottle of wine, light a fire, and talk?”
“I’d like that,” she agrees, fighting a smile.
As I drive out of the city, I can’t help but glance over at her, noticing the way she pinches the fabric of her black leggings. When she has a grip on the fabric, she rolls it between them.
“Are you nervous?” I ask, glancing down at her hand.
She quickly releases the fabric. “Maybe a little.”
“Why?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is about. This talk has been coming all week, and now I know it’s finally coming.”
“You have nothing to be nervous about,” I assure her.
“So, you mean you’re not going to take me back to your place and explain all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together?”
I chuckle and rub my jaw. “No. I should, but I’m not.”
I see her chest fall when she lets go of a long breath. “Good, because I’m not stupid, you know? You don’t have to tell me things I already know. Hearing them come from you isn’t any different than thinking them myself.”
I smile over at her as I turn into my driveway. “So, you don’t listen to yourself any better than you listen to me? Good to know,” I tease.
She giggles. “You know what I mean. There’s a difference in knowing and doing. I believe that’s probably where that saying comes from: ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’”
“Maybe.” I nod. “I always hated that saying. It’s like saying, ‘It’s too late for me.’”
“It’s never too late,” she says.
I put the car in park inside the garage and look over at her. “At least, that’s what I’m trying to believe.” I kill the engine and open my door. I plan to move around the car to open hers, but she climbs out before I can. I show her inside, stopping in the kitchen for a bottle of wine and two glasses. I open the bottle and show her out to the back patio. With the flip of a switch, I light the fireplace and turn on the outdoor heaters. We settle down on the outdoor sofa.
“It’s nice out here.”
I glance around the space, taking in the covered pool, the hot tub in the corner, the built-in grill, and the sitting area. “I think this space is what made my wife want the house.”
Her brow lifts as she looks over at me. “Tell me about her.”
I wet my lips, not sure how to go about it or where to start. “I met her soon after I moved here. Every morning before going to the hospital, I’d stop at a coffee shop and see her there. At first, I noticed her, but she didn’t notice me. Eventually, we caught one another’s eyes. Our relationship started with flirty smiles, and then we moved on to waving, and then we got to where we’d say hello or good morning in passing. It took me longer than I care to admit, but I finally asked her out.”
“And she said yes?”
I chuckle. “Actually, she said, ‘It’s about time.’”
We laugh.
“The rest is history. We started dating, and everything was perfect. I fell in love. She fell in love. We got to where we were spending more time together than apart, and then I asked her to marry me. My dad had passed away long before this. I’m an only child and other than my mom, I don’t have any family. She came from a big family that likes to be involved in everything. I wanted to elope, but she wouldn’t have it. She made me step up and be the man she always wanted. We had a big wedding, and the perfect honeymoon, and then we started looking for a home. This is the one she picked.” I motion toward the property.
“That’s a nice story.”
I nod. “Yeah, but it doesn’t end there.”
She trains her eyes on mine, asking me to continue.
“It wasn’t long after we got married that she wanted to start a family. So, we tried. And we tried and tried. It just wasn’t happening, so she went to a specialist. She found out that it would be extremely difficult for her to conceive, and that if she did, it would be hard to carry to full term—that it would be dangerous for her and the baby. She didn’t care, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. I didn’t want to lose her. I’d much rather not have a kid than lose her, so we agreed not to have children. After that, everything was fine. At least, I thought so. She was a lawyer and once we agreed to not try for a family, she doubled down on work. She opened her own practice, and I was working at the hospital. Everything seemed great. Little did I know, she wasn’t happy. She wasn’t fulfilled by her career or by just being a wife. She wanted to be a mother.”
I take a deep breath followed by a gulp of wine. “She begged and begged and begged for me to give her a child. Every time I turned around, she was asking, telling, and sometimes even trying to seduce me into giving her what she wanted. I kept telling her no, that I needed her in my life. It caused a lot of fights. She told me I was being selfish by not giving her what she wanted, for not allowing her to have the same human rights every other woman has. I held my ground for a long time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I gave her what she wanted.”