24. Ethan
24
ETHAN
T here’s something different. It’s not physical; it’s emotional. Spiritual.
She’s giving me a piece of herself she’s never given, and I’m not sure what to do with it.
Is this the first time she’s offered herself to me like this, or has she done it every single time and I’ve just been too blinded by my past to see it?
The real question is: Can I accept it?
Accepting what she’s giving means letting go of the past. It’s knowing that my past will always be there, and it will be choosing to keep looking to the future rather than give myself over to the pain like I’ve been doing for the past six years.
These past two months with her have more than made up for the past six years. This entire time, I thought that I couldn’t give Ally my heart because I’d already given it to someone else.
In my head, I couldn’t love them both. It’s only now that I realize I can. A part of me will always love Amelia, but I can’t ignore that I love Ally, too. She walked into my life when I least expected it and got under my skin. I know that no matter what I decide, I’ll always love both of them.
But can I leave the past behind me to give Ally the future she deserves? And if I can, will Amelia understand? Would she give me her blessing?
I’m pulled back to the present when I feel the walls of her pussy tighten around me in waves as she rides out her orgasm. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t realize she was so close. I double my efforts, making sure she rides those waves as long as possible, and then I slow to a stop without coming. I already finished once, but my body wanted to keep going. Now, I’m afraid I’ve asked too much of my body. I’m exhausted and weak. I can’t remember the last time I ate. I know I’ve probably drunk far too much whiskey.
She doesn’t seem to notice that I don’t come with her. She looks just as weak as I feel. I fall to the bed beside her, and she rolls onto her side. She grabs my wrist and pulls my arm around her, wanting me to hold her the way I do when we sleep. I pull the blankets up over us and nuzzle closer to her. My body is exhausted, and my mind is anything but. It’s still running a million miles a minute. Ally lets out a little sigh that tells me that she’s happy. I freeze in place because I know I have everything to feel that way too, but something is holding me back. I know what it is too. No matter how much I want to leave the past and move on, I can’t because I promised Amelia everything. I can’t walk away from her, away from our past, and away from our plans until I know if I have her blessing. But how does one get a blessing from a dead person? I need a sign.
My eyes close, and I imagine meeting her in the darkness. I’ve done this so many times over the years. It was my way of still being able to see her and talk to her. This is our meeting place, a plane of existence between heaven and earth that I created just for us.
She materializes out of nowhere, a light that slowly forms and turns into her. She looks just as beautiful as I remember. Her dark hair is long, just like it was when we met — unlike how it was when she passed. She had a pixie cut then, convinced it would be easier to care for as a busy mother. Her ivory skin is full of life, and her cheeks are pink and warm, rather than hollow and pale. The dark circles that were beneath her eyes are gone, and her lips are plump and soft. Here in the place I created for us, she’s healthy and happy.
Even though I created this world, it’s not a logical one. We don’t speak with our mouths. We don’t say words. We simply share a wavelength. She can read my thoughts, and I can hear her voice in my head.
“I know why you’re here, Ethan, and you should know that you already have everything you need.”
“I do?” I ask, narrowing my eyes on her.
She just gives me a small smile as she dips her head forward in a nod. “Remember,” I hear in her whispered voice. She steps forward and she places her fingertips at my temple. That’s when I’m taken back.
I walk into the house after another long day at the hospital. I’m tired, hungry, and ready to relax. “Honey, I’m home,” I call out as I hang up my jacket. The smell of my favorite dinner makes its way toward my nose, and my mouth waters.
“In the nursery,” she calls out.
I walk down the hall and stop at the nursery, leaning against the doorframe. The crib, dresser, changing table and rocking chair are there, but we don’t know the sex of the baby, so there are no defining features.
“What are you doing in here?”
She has her back to me as she messes with something inside the crib. “I have a gift for you.”
I smirk. “Yeah?”
She turns now, holding out a pale yellow gift bag.
I take it. “What’s this?”
“Just open it.”
I reach inside the bag and pull out a velvet box. It’s not small enough for a ring; it’s more the size for a necklace. Confused, I place the bag on the dresser and open the box, finding a pink tie inside. I laugh as I remove it. It’s soft and silky. “This is great, thank you.”
She smiles and nods. “I thought maybe you could wear it tomorrow to the charity event the hospital is hosting?”
“Oh, good idea. And the pink would fit in perfectly since it’s breast cancer awareness month.” I hold the tie to my chest. “What do you think? Is pink my color?”
She grins and nods. “It’s perfect. You know, girl dads have to get used to all the pink.”
That catches my attention. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I said you’ll have to get used to having pink everything now that you’re going to be a girl dad.”
My mouth falls open. “The baby is a girl? I’m going to have a daughter?”
She giggles and nods. “Are you happy?”
I throw my tie over my shoulder and pull her against me. “Very much,” I reply, looking into her blue eyes. I cherish this moment before leaning in for a kiss.
Instead of meeting me in the middle, she places her index finger against my lips like she’s telling me to be quiet. “I’ve also picked out her name, so I hope you’re okay with it.”
Now, my mouth falls open. “I thought we agreed to do that together?”
She rolls her eyes. “I know, I know. And that was the plan. But last night, I had a dream and it kind of sealed the deal for me.”
I sigh. “Alright. Tell me the name that fate says will be the love of my life,” I tease.
She smiles wide. “In my dream, I didn’t have a body. It was like I was the sunshine. I saw our backyard and the leaves blowing on the trees. I heard laughter, water splashing, and a little kid giggling. It was noisy for this house, and it made me feel so good because finally, this perfect family home had everything it should have. Then I heard your voice, and you said: I love you, Ally. So… what do you think?”
My brows lift. “Of what?”
She rolls her eyes. “I swear, you have to spell everything out for men.” She giggles. “My name isn’t Ally, so I can only believe that the love of your life—as you put it—is Ally. That’s our daughter’s name. It has to be.”
“Ally?” I question.
“Ally for short. Allison will be her name. Do you like it?”
“If you like it, I love it.”
I jump out of a dead sleep, my eyes sweeping the room as I wonder what the hell happened. I see the clock on the bedside table. It’s ten at night. I must have fallen asleep. Ally is still asleep and clinging to my arm, probably scared that I’ll sneak off and leave her.
I settle back against the pillow and close my eyes close again as I try to grasp everything that’s going on. My heart is racing, and I’m sweating like I’ve been trapped in a nightmare. What was I dreaming about? That’s when it hits me. It wasn’t a dream; it was a memory. It was the day Amelia told me that the baby was a girl and that she’d picked a name. I relive that moment once more, unable to believe it. What are the chances? Her words play over and over in my head. In my dream, I didn’t have a body. It was like I was the sunshine. Does that mean that some part of her knew that the end was coming? That she would be part of the universe rather than a physical being?
Then I heard your voice, and you said: I love you, Ally.
I had been teasing Amelia for years, telling her that if we ended up having a girl, she’d be the love of my life. I was teasing her about this because I was upset about the unnecessary risks she was taking to bring a child into the world. I always told Amelia that she was the love of my life, so I thought if she knew she’d be replaced, it would make her think harder about going through with it.
Is there some way that she saw a glimpse of the future in this dream? Even if she didn’t have the context right, the moving parts were there. Amelia isn’t here in the physical sense. Ally and I have a child on the way, so this house will soon be filled with laughter and love. And even though I’ve only told Ally those three little words once, I know now that they’re out, they’ll be easier and easier to say. I already want to say them over and over until she believes them.
Was this dream the sign I asked for? How did I ever forget this moment to begin with? Is Amelia giving me her blessing? She said herself that Ally is meant to be the love of my life. She’s saved me in more ways than I can count. As hard as it will be to move on from Amelia, I know that she’d never want me to be miserable. Maybe she brought Ally to me in the first place.
A warmth forms in my chest. It’s sharp and painful, making it hard to take a full breath. My eyes pop open and my head comes off the pillow, and then, as quickly as the pain forms, it’s gone. It feels like all the pain has been taken from my heart, like I’ve had a block there that’s finally removed. With the pain that’s dammed up my heart now gone, all the love and happiness comes flooding in. Every muscle goes limp, and I draw in a breath that’s deeper than I’ve been able to take for a long time. My lungs are full, and my heart is no longer cold. Every beat of my heart gets stronger. My blood warms. I turn my head and find Ally in my arms. Her eyes roll beneath her lids before they pop open, and she offers me a sleepy smile. “Why are you awake?” she asks softly.
“I had a dream,” I tell her rolling onto my side to face her.
“A good dream or a bad dream?”
I smile. “It was a good dream.”
“Good.” Her eyes close and she moves in, kissing my lips. “Let’s go back to sleep. I’m beat.” She nuzzles deeper into the pillow.
“Ally?”
“Hmmm?”
“I love you.”
Her eyes open. She smiles and her cheeks burn. “I love you, too.” She places her hand on my jaw.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Her brows lift. “I know.”
I frown. “How’d you know? I just realized it myself.”
She grins and shrugs one shoulder. “A little birdie told me.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She wets her lips. “I was dreaming about laying in the lounge chair in the backyard, under the tree that flowers.”
I nod.
“It was a sunny day, and the light was streaming through the branches, so my eyes were closed. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face. And I could hear you in the pool, playing with kids. You told me that you loved me, and it made me realize that you were still here with me and the family we created.” She shrugs again. “I know it’s just a dream, but it felt like more. So, I guess I’m just hoping it is. Is that dumb?”
“Not at all,” I reply, tucking her hair behind her ear as I move in, kissing her lips like she’s the air I need to breathe. Because she is.