Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
Llew
O n the way back from the accountant who took care of all our business affairs, I asked Rio to stop at the VA. I wanted to see August. I thought that perhaps it was time we talked. Rio hadn’t argued; I was fairly sure he was just excited to see the handsome Omega. That made two of us.
As we walked in, shame washed over me. This place had been a second home to both Rio and Max since they’d returned from duty. I should have been here too, helping them, supporting them, but instead I’d been lost to my own madness.
The smell of anger and sadness permeated the walls of this building, which was little more than a converted church hall. “There are offices out the back that August works out of for private sessions. We’ll see if he’s in and has time,” Rio murmured softly. He hadn’t asked why I wanted to visit August yet, but I could see the burning questions in his eyes. He was probably worried he’d spook me.
I gripped his shoulder and squeezed, and my Packmate jolted. How long had it been since I’d physically touched him?
He looked at me with wounded eyes, and I pushed down the guilt once more. I hadn’t broken our bond to hurt him—I’d done it to save him. But the after-effects were the same, this distance between us that had seemed insurmountable, until one sweet little Omega had launched herself into my arms.
The door to August’s office was slightly ajar, and his name was on a piece of copy paper beside the frame. Rio looked at that piece of paper hard. “This branch of the VA hustles hard to provide as many services as they can. I know August does shit in his spare time without being paid.” Like visiting us at home.
“We’ll do what we can.” I’d talked to the accountant; I could absolutely do something. I had the money. I might have been out of it, our Pack might be a mess, but my accountants and finance guys were excellent. They’d taken my generational wealth and quadrupled it. I’d already been rich when we’d formed our Pack, but now, none of us had to work unless we wanted to.
We could fund something like this. I’d talk to August about it… if he still wanted anything to do with us after this.
I knocked gently on the door. “Come in,” August called, and when we pushed the door open and entered, his smiling face greeted us. “I thought it was you guys. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
It was impossible not to smile back at him. His energy was so light, his scent so sweet and comforting, it was like being embraced by the sun.
“I thought maybe we could take you out to lunch?” I asked him softly. Rio was looking at me from the side of his eye, but didn’t contradict me.
August grinned. “I’d like that. I’m starving. There’s a deli just around the corner.” He hesitated slightly. “Unless you want to go somewhere fancier?”
Stepping back, I shook my head. “I could ravage a Cuban sandwich right now.”
Grabbing his wallet—which he definitely wouldn’t need—and his jacket, he led us from the room. We followed along behind him like two faithful hounds. He really did smell fucking amazing. If he came to Polly’s heat, the combination of their scents would be intoxicating.
I watched as he smiled and talked to every person we passed, his tone gentle at times, and teasing at others, depending on the person he was talking to. I watched the load on people’s shoulders lighten with only a few words.
As we emerged from the building, I smiled down at him. Not too far down, because for an Omega, he was very tall, probably around six feet. I was huge, though, so almost everyone was shorter than me. “You’re excellent at your job.”
August laughed. “I think there are quite a few damaged people who would disagree. I can’t tell you how many times someone’s told me I was a quack during a session.”
“Hurt people want to hurt people,” Rio added, and I wondered if my Packmate had been one of those people, but instantly disregarded the idea. Rio wouldn’t raise his voice to an Omega, even someone as large as August.
August reached out and squeezed Rio’s hand. “That’s true, but it’s never too late to heal.” He pointed down the street. “It’s just around the corner, and it’s a nice day to walk.”
Agreeing, I waved at him to lead the way.
It didn’t take too long for him to break the companionable silence. “Is everything okay with Polly?”
“Polly’s fine. She comes more and more into herself everyday and she’s…” It was hard for me to express everything Polly had become to me in such a short amount of time. It was how it happened for mates, I think, but even among mates, the connection we had was fast. Fated mates—that would have been the old name for it, and it certainly felt right. “She’s like the light at the end of the tunnel, you know? She makes the world brighter just by being in it.”
August gave me a small, sad smile. “I know what you mean.”
“Polly isn’t why I wanted to visit you today.” I pointed to a bench seat near a bus stop and indicated we should sit. The wood was rotting, and when I sat, it groaned ominously. “Well, not entirely the reason. I’m unsure if you know this, but my Pack is quite attracted to you.”
“Llew!” Rio hissed, but I waved a hand.
“It’s true. I have nostrils, Rio, and the smell of your desire makes me sneeze every time anyone even mentions August.” August’s cheeks pinkened with embarrassment, and it was oddly adorable. “It’s not just Rio. Max looks at you like you’re the last cookie in the jar, and he just wants a bite. And Polly… Well, Polly hasn’t been raised with the ideas that permeate our society about Omegas and what they’re supposed to do and be. Not that I agree at all with the way she lived before.” A growl rumbled up in my chest, and August rested a calming hand on my forearm, settling my Alpha. That one small gesture cemented what I was going to say.
“Sorry. The idea of what she went through riles the beast and the man.” I cleared my throat. “As I was saying, Polly wasn’t raised on the idea that a Pack only gets one Omega, that she’s meant to see other Omegas as competition. She wants you just as much as the rest of the Pack. At her heat, but also after, I believe. She misses you.”
August remained silent, and I worried I’d pushed too hard, but there was no going back now.
“My own Alpha feels quite interested in you. Even before Polly, when the madness still rode me, you made him feel clear-headed when we’d barely gotten moments of clarity in years. I think what I’m trying to say is that if you feel willing, my Pack would like to court you. After Polly’s heat, I mean. I don’t want to rush you, and I feel like you should have all the information before you decide.”
Rio was stiff beside me, but he didn’t try to stop what I was saying. He hadn’t interrupted at all, and I knew I’d been right. He wanted August, but would never have made the move.
August’s gaze was running all over my face, and I wondered what he saw. Did he see the wounds beneath the surface? Did he see the mental shrapnel damage?
A small squeeze of his hand on my arm told me he was listening. Sucking in a deep breath, I ripped off the barely healing scab and let my wounds bleed. “I came into my designation young. I was an extremely strong Alpha, and Rio and Max felt like Pack really early on. I bonded both of them before they even came into their designation. It was a big scandal, but we never understood. How could they not see that we were the same person spread over three bodies? Bonding between Alphas was a little more taboo a decade ago, and bonding when you were a teen made the society Packs clutch their pearls. But what was done was done, and no one could say anything about it.”
Our parents had been disapproving at first, but there was nothing that could break a Packbond, and it wasn’t like Max and Rio had been unknowns. We’d been close for years.
I cleared the lump from my throat. “I think it was because we had the bond before his designation that my connection to Rio was different to other Alpha Packs. Stronger. His Alpha had always felt like an extension of mine, or mine was an extension of his. They were intertwined. I’d seen it spark to life down our bond, and it was just… different, I guess.”
That’s what all the Pack theorists had said. Under strict NDAs, at least.
I was surprised when Rio spoke up. “Ever since I’d been a kid, I’d always wanted to join the army. I wanted to be the strongest, most badass person in the room. I wanted to never be weak and small ever again. Joining the Forces had always been my goal, and Llew always supported me. Through basic training and then specialist training, he was there, a constant source of strength, both within the Pack and down the bond. When I was weak, I could draw on his strength, perhaps more than what would be considered normal.”
I could see the moment August began to put together the pieces. He knew Rio’s story. He’d been there for his recovery. But I still wanted to put it out there, to air our damage and hope that it would help it heal.
“When he did that second tour and was taken by insurgents, it was the worst fucking time of my life. I could feel his pain down my bond.” I licked my lips. “They tortured him for information that first day. I felt every second of his pain.” The demons threatened to creep in, but there was a huge pulse of happiness down the bond between Polly and me. I sent her the biggest wave of love back, almost an avalanche. We hadn’t said the words, but I always wanted her to know the depths of my feelings. She gave me the strength to continue.
“By day two, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was the lead Alpha in our Pack. I deserved to feel the pain. I took control of the bond—of his Alpha—and essentially, knocked him out. He was there, but he wasn’t. He’d mentally checked out, and I pressed my bond around his and sheltered him from what was happening to his body.”
I’d been there for it, though. Every tiny hurt, every way they tried to extract information from him.
I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. “But bonds aren’t meant to work that way. It was just circumstance that ours did. The doctors said it was a form of control akin to barking at an Omega. That because I was there at the formation of his designation, I had control over his Alpha too. So when I knocked him out by taking control of the bond and blocking the pain, he was essentially in a coma.”
I clenched my back teeth. “It burned through the bond. By the time he was rescued, the bond was hanging on by the finest thread. The relief of setting him free from his comatose state was the last straw. Our bond broke. It was destroyed, and so was my mind. I turned feral.”
Poor fucking Max. He’d borne the brunt of it all. He’d felt his bond snap, and that pain had been the worst feeling of all, worse than the weeks of torture. He hadn’t slept for weeks trying to find Rio, and when he did, I lost it.
“You survived through his torture, so he didn’t have to,” August said softly. His scent wrapped around me, soothing and sweet. “You would have both had to feel it, except you were able to save the Packmate you loved so much from that pain.” He gave me a sad smile, filled with empathy, which made me want to break down. “You’re a good Alpha, Llewellyn.”
I gave him a shaky but sad smile. “That madness was there for years, although it settled eventually. The rage settled. Memories of the pain dimmed. But the loss of my bonds was always there, a yawning chasm in my chest that nothing filled, not even their presence. We tried to re-bond, but it didn’t work. It was like we’d had this gift and we’d broken it, so we didn’t get a second chance. And then Polly came along.”
“And she filled the chasm.”
My smile this time wasn’t sad. “She did. The madness began to recede immediately. But even with you in the same room as me, the madness ebbed away. The Alpha’s feralness eased, like he hoped you’d come to save him.” I let out a shaky breath. “So that’s it. The big secret. Our baggage laid bare. I wanted to lay it all out before we officially requested to court you.”
I stood, reaching down to squeeze Rio’s hand, hoping I hadn’t overstepped and fucked everything for him. He squeezed it back, and a tension I didn’t realize had been stretching down my spine finally relaxed. I looked down at him, and he nodded, his eyes shining.
We didn’t talk about what had happened. Not ever. Not when he first came back. Not when he went to therapy. Not when I was lost to the memories and flashbacks that could set me off every day. It was this big bad thing that had sat in the center of our Pack like a grenade.
Apparently, all we’d needed was a sweet little Omega to put a pin back in it, and now we could all move on with our lives.
Rio cleared his throat, thumping me gently on the back as he stood. “Let’s go to the deli. We owe August lunch after all that.”
Maybe now we could heal. I hoped August would be there to see it too.