Chapter 19
‘Cassie! CASSIE wait!’ I heard Theo’s booming voice behind me as I jaywalked into traffic trying to find solace in the park opposite the hotel.
I needed air, and to feel the earth beneath my feet.
As I approached the park, I took off my heels and sat in a slump on the grass, slowly counting to ten to soothe my breathing.
Everything I had feared when it came to Theo had come true. Someone had recognised him, and now I was the shame of my family. Now they all knew that I was too pathetic to find a man organically, and that I’d had to lower myself to paying for company. I would forever be known as my mother’s failure.
I was too shell-shocked to even cry. All I could do was gaze into the distance, regretting all my life choices thus far. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Theo crossing the road towards me, panic and concern in his eyes. As he came over and joined me on the grass, I stared at him, motionless.
‘Cassie? Cassie, are you OK? Say something,’ he said, his voice filled with worry. His eyes were frantic, searching mine for some form of recognition or acknowledgement on my end.
‘Cassie, I’m so sorry,’ he said softly, his eyes locked on mine.
‘I don’t even know where to begin. I never thought that story would see the light of day again – I didn’t even know I had a fucking gossip page and that that situation would have been news in the UK, but apparently I guess some people know.
It happened years ago, when I was living in the States for a while.
It was a mess, and I was a mess. But I swear to you, I never meant to keep it from you. ’
He took a shaky breath, his voice thick with emotion.
‘You have every right to be angry. I just … I didn’t want anything from my past to ruin this. I know I should’ve said something. I know I’ve probably blown it. But please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you or your family. You mean more to me than I know how to put into words.’
He looked down, then back at me with pleading eyes. I just stared at him wordlessly. He continued.
‘I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. But you?
You’re the one thing I wanted to get right.
That’s why I messaged you back when you booked me again.
I know you said you wanted to have a talk earlier, but I also wanted to talk to you too.
I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.
And I’m terrified I just lost you. Cassie, please say something. ’
I stared at his eyes, his beautiful, red-tinged eyes that had become so big and sad, and uttered the only thing that came to mind at that moment.
‘Prostitute. A damn prostitute.’
And before I knew it, I burst into fits of laughter.
Theo looked at me, incredulous. ‘Cassie, what—?’
‘She could’ve at least been a little more politically correct and called you a sex worker,’ I said, half laughing. I wasn’t even sure why I was laughing – maybe because it was the only thing I had the energy left to do.
The truth was, I wasn’t angry or even hurt by Theo’s revelation.
He had always shown up as his full, unapologetic self – and he’d been nothing but honest about what he did for a living.
He didn’t owe me every detail of his past; we hadn’t known each other long enough for that kind of deep disclosure. So really, how could I be mad at him?
Nah – what I felt was anger at myself. For judging him.
For letting my own biases, my internalised shame, and whatever I thought people would say cloud my vision.
I was angry at the fact that I had been a hypocrite; that I was preaching empowerment on one hand whilst casting judgement on the other hand.
I was furious that I’d let something so irrelevant stop me from seeing what was right in front of me – a guy who saw me.
Really saw me. And maybe, just maybe, desired and wanted me in a way I’d always said I wanted but never truly believed I deserved.
I looked up at Theo, my eyes filling with tears. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see some of my family members spilling onto the pavement on the opposite side of the road, my mum included, I guess checking to see if I was OK. But it wasn’t about them now.
I looked back at Theo and smiled.
‘You have nothing to apologise for, Theo – none of this is your fault,’ I said, nodding towards the wedding guests gathered outside. ‘They’re the ones with the problem. Honestly, I was too. I let my own hang-ups and assumptions get in the way.’
I took a breath, steadying my voice.
‘I like you. I really like you. And it’s not just about the sex – though, yeah, that’s been incredible – but it’s more than that.
I like who I am when I’m with you. I think I’ve been pushing you away because I couldn’t reconcile how we met with how I felt …
but the truth is, I can’t ignore what you’ve made me feel these past few months.
You’ve changed the way I see my body, my sexuality, and most importantly, the way I see myself. ’
As I finished speaking, I reached out and gently cupped his face, my thumb brushing across his cheek in a tender gesture. His eyes softened as I rocked slightly, my breath catching in my chest.
‘I don’t want to run any more,’ I whispered, the words barely leaving my lips before I closed the distance between us, kissing him softly, tentatively at first, like the world around us had quieted for just that moment. It felt freeing, more so that we had an audience watching our every move.
‘Cassie, I only want to be with you.’ Theo grinned between kisses, his words a little breathless.
‘I want to actually try this. Since we last saw each other, I haven’t had any other bookings except yours.
Honestly, with what I’ve saved up so far, I’m pretty good on that front now.
I could use a girlfriend … preferably one as amazing as you? ’
I grinned back and kissed him as we embraced in the middle of the park, fully aware that everyone could see us.
The feeling of his arms around me, the warmth of his lips on mine – it was like the world had shrunk down to just the two of us.
I pulled back for a second, our foreheads touching, and laughed softly.
‘Well, if they’re going to gossip, they might as well have something good to talk about, right? ’
Theo chuckled, his hands resting on my waist. ‘You’re dangerous, you know that?’
I shrugged, a playful glint in my eyes. ‘Maybe, but I’m only dangerous when I’m with you, it seems.’
He raised an eyebrow, smirking. ‘Good thing I’m all in, then.’
We stayed like that for a few moments longer, just soaking in the quiet joy of being in each other’s arms, the world around us blurring into the background.
In the distance, I heard Aunt Gladys’s voice rise, ‘This is disgraceful!’
Without missing a beat, my mum shot back, her tone sharp, ‘Oh, shut up and mind your own business, Gladys! Don’t you have an embezzlement case to worry about? Leave my daughter alone!’
Theo and I looked at the chaos across the street, and burst into fits of laughter. He eventually leaned into me and whispered, ‘I could give you a refund for today, you know.’
I kissed him on the cheek, and stared into his eyes, allowing myself to fall even further.
‘I apparently specialise in humiliating myself in public and falling for men I can’t afford, so keep it. Consider it hazard pay.’