Chapter Sixty-Three Rae
CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
Rae
IT’S NEAR THE END of the day when Grant finally emerges from Dorothy’s office. He knocks on the open door of our shared office before sticking his head in. That alone is odd.
The second I see him, I know it’s bad. He looks exhausted, like himself but more deeply carved. An exaggerated version of the scowl. I can almost see the extra weight that’s settled over his thick shoulders.
“Hi,” I say when he doesn’t immediately speak. I’m tired too. Neither of us slept much last night. Even with the dread hanging over us, memories warm my belly.
He steps inside and closes the door.
“What can I do to help? You’ve been in there all day. I just want to pitch in.”
“There’s nothing you can do. This is my problem to fix.”
“No, Grant. This affects all of us. We’re a team and—”
“Someone fed him intel, Rae.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah. Maybe Samantha? But it can’t be. She didn’t have access anymore.”
“Can he prove there’s a leak?”
“He doesn’t have to, Rae,” he says a little too loudly, but then lowers his voice as he goes on. “He’s brought Dorothy’s investors into it, already convinced them that he’s the better fit for CEO. She’s been on the phone with them all day, and they are not happy.”
Worry clenches my teeth and tightens my throat.
I feel sick with it. Grant must feel a million times worse.
I stand up from my desk and walk to where he’s hovering on his side of the room.
I reach out to touch this man I spent the night with.
Whose hands were gentle and sweet and also rough when I wanted it, whose eyes burned into me with so much affection.
He was boyish and warm, and the connection we shared was stronger than anything I’ve felt before.
Ever.
He backs up a step.
I blink, sitting with incomprehension for a few seconds before the rejection kicks in.
It hits me hard behind my eyes.
I blink back a painful rush of tears.
It hurts. I can’t describe it, can barely understand how it could be this bad. Breaking up with Brendan was a scraped knee. This is a gaping wound. This is my insides pouring out.
I get out a pathetic little “Are you…?”
“We need to talk.”
Take a breath. “Okay.”
“This was a huge mistake.”
Exhale. Slow. “This?”
“Us.” He sweeps his hand to encompass the office. “All of it.”
For another handful of seconds, I can only stare. My hand goes to my cheek like he’s slapped it.
I turn and look at my desk, the cupboard. I look at all the little items I bring in to pep up my life here, and the only desire I can drum up is to swipe it all off my desk. To smash everything. Make it loud. Make it count.
“Rae?”
I look up at him, and there’s worry in his gaze, also pain, both quickly replaced by that nothing he’s so good at wearing.
“Yes, Grant?” I force out, sure of only one thing in this moment: If I let out just one drop of this grief inside me, I won’t be able to stem the flow. Keeping it in is the only solution.
“Uh. You okay?”
I smile. “You’re an idiot.”
It’s his turn to blink in surprise. “Excuse me?”
“You’re a fool if you think you can stuff it all away and pretend it never happened.”
“Stuff what—”
“Oh, please.” Oh. Oh, wow. Okay, that’s out. This is happening. “You just stop it. Now. Because you’re lying, and I’m tired of liars.”
“I’m not lying about—”
“You’re lying that what we did meant nothing,” I tell him.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You said it was a mistake.”
“We shouldn’t have let things—”
“It was not a mistake.” My finger’s jabbing the air. “None of it. It was good—no, it was great—and you’re lying to yourself if you think—”
“You’re a perfect sub, Rae. It’s just—”
“Are you kidding me? You are being so unserious right now. I am… I’m…
” Beyond livid. Burning with the rage. “Can’t you see that the only thing driving you is fear?
After all that talk about me choosing myself, this is what you do?
Well, guess what? I’m choosing. And it’s what I want.
You. Me. Us. I am choosing me. You, Grant.
You, sir. Sex and kink and love, they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Not everything in life is so neatly compartmentalized as you’d like to think it is. ”
“I can find you another Dom. You deserve someone who can—”
I step back, my eyes wide, a fresh wave of shock running through me. “A new Dom? You think that’s what I’m after?”
I can see the lie trying to form in his mind—and the resistance to it.
Because no matter what he might think, Grant Bowman is actually human after all.
Before he can get a chance to say more, I shake my head, grab my coat and my bags, and look at him, so angry now that the hurt’s taken a supporting role.
“You lie to yourself all you want, big guy. Sure. I can find another Dom. But we both know this isn’t about that. It never was. Maybe one day you’ll grow up, face your fears, and figure that out for yourself.”
I swoosh out the door, almost trip on my own coat, and finally gather my things back to my chest with all the dignity I have. Then I take off into the night.
I don’t let myself cry until I get home.