31
Don’t Get Attached — Adelaide
Christmas music played in the living room and the cinnamon candle (that had been burning long enough to make me dizzy) slinked down the hallway as Mia and Sabrina packed to go home to their families for the holidays.
The longest time we’ve spent apart since June, but it’d be good. I needed to remember how much I enjoyed being alone. With shifts at the bookstore every day and issues of The New Yorker to catch up on, I was hopeful.
My only Christmas wish was for Dorian to stop popping up in my head like a never ending montage that a romance director would definitely make use of.
Oh, and to land a job for the summer, of course. A close second.
Sitting on a pile of blankets in the hallway between Mia and Brina’s doorways, I scrolled through job listings in London, hunting for one that paid anything and would hire an international post-grad student.
“Which number are we on?” Mia shouted from her room.
“Twenty,” I groaned.
“You’ve applied to twenty jobs just today?” Sabrina gawked—from her room. I only heard their muffled voices as they sifted through clothes to pack.
“I want to curl up and die. It feels like I’m trying to win the lottery. But in this circumstance, I actually have the winning ticket, and no one is willing to even bother looking at it, let alone giving me the cash.”
“I don’t think I understand that metaphor …” Mia said.
“She’s qualified but no one will respond to her resume!” Brina clarified.
“Hmm. Did you reach out to Sylvie about the recommendation letter? The semester is over now so it’s probably the perfect time,” Mia commented.
“I want to reach out when I’m ready to apply to Beverly. I don’t want to waste her recommendation on a job I don’t love.”
“Is there a runner up position?” Sabrina asked.
“Maybe the watch business I did my project on—Grace & Gears? It’s a digital marketing position rather than PR. But I sent them the full plan I put together for Sylvie’s class. Thought that’d be nice since I spent three months on it,” I grumbled. They’d most likely skip over that too when they found out my graduation year.
“I’ll deal with this problem when I actually get the degree,” Mia said.
“Hopefully I can get an internship with an interior design agency before I get stuck in some lab job. I thought if I got the degree in biology, I’d be able to pursue design anyway. But according to my dad I need to get a job in it now,” Brina sighed.
“How dare he,” Mia feigned agreement. We assumed this entire semester that Andrew would want Brina to get a job in biology if he was paying for his daughter’s degree.
“Has Noah said anything about it?” I asked.
Sabrina crawled over to her doorway with a pile of sweaters and began folding. I pushed my laptop to the side and joined.
“He’s always been the calmer one of my parents,” she exhaled, brushing her bangs out of her face. “He thinks I should give the biology job a try. He doesn’t understand that just because I understand STEM, doesn’t mean I want to do it every day until I can retire.”
I folded a pastel pink sweater and moved it into her pile. “You should start applying to design jobs. Find one that pays well and then you can prove to your dad that it’s a legit career. I can help you look for jobs even.”
“Maybe I will then,” she nodded. “Thank you by the way,” she extended her hand, stopping me mid-fold. “I’m really lucky to have you.”
I returned her earnest smile but the heavy guilt coating my stomach overshadowed it.
“Can you pass me that blazer?” Mia shouted.
“Where do you plan on going that requires a blazer?” I asked. Standing from my failed blanket fort, I picked up the plaid blazer and tossed it to her where she sat in her closet with her suitcase.
“What if I have a job interview or a hot date?”
“Do you have a job interview or a hot date?”
“No but what if it happens spontaneously!”
“I think you’re overpacking.”
“Not compared to Sabrina!”
“I’m going on holiday, you’re going home!” Sabrina shouted . “You already have clothes at home—there are no clothes for me in Paris!”
“She has a point,” I muttered.
“She has no point, watch her come back with a new wardrobe,” Mia argued, waving a shoe in the air.
“No Paris gifts for you!”
I laughed. “I’m going to miss you two.”
“You know my offer still stands. You can come back to Washington with me,” Mia responded in a sing-song tone.
“My offer stands as well! Why don’t you come to Paris with me?” Sabrina asked eagerly.
Because I’ll get attached. Attached to you and your family more than I already have. And I don’t think I can withstand to lose that many people.
“Next time. I’m not prepared enough. I’ll keep Iris and Dotty company while you’re both gone,” I reassured them.
“If you see James or Dorian, you have to tell me!” Sabrina shouted.
“I’ll definitely let you know if I somehow run into Dorian Blackwood on the street,” I said.
“Has James mentioned him recently? Or said anything about Victoria Sutton? She hasn’t been seen with Dorian in a while. And seeing as she didn’t even bother showing up to the Townsen Dinner or the Halloween party, it couldn’t be that serious.” She shook her head, folding a tweed jacket. “That article did speculate that he was single again.” She slapped the top of my hand to get my attention. “You must keep me updated if you see him or if James mentions him.”
“Alright!”
I couldn’t stop thinking about him . Our last week of tutoring was brief. I made an effort to change the topic anytime it wasn’t related to the exam. Even his texts were difficult to ignore, especially when I had wanted to give him my number after he pulled that umbrella open. The blue-gray telephone booth keychain was hidden in my bag at the bookstore so that he wouldn’t point it out.
So much guilt.
Guilt for betraying Brina.
Guilt for pushing Dorian away, again .
But I was terrified . This urge to touch him, to tell him how handsome he looked, to ask him about his plans for Christmas break with James to Italy. It was suffocating. The less I saw him, the more I dreamed about him. The only solution was to completely close myself off. Once finals week ended last week, it was easy on the tongue to tell him that I’d be busy. Even with the Red Sox keychain hanging from his trousers.
I shouldn’t have to make an excuse. Our deal was complete. He’d probably call or text, maybe even show up to throw something at my balcony, but he’d give up at some point.
Brina dragged her designer suitcase into the hallway. Crisp whites, pale blues, light greens, and pastel pinks sprinkled the brown interior as we carefully packed the piles away.
“Adelaide.”
I registered her serious tone and looked up.
“I’m worried about you.”
I grew a soft smile. “I’ll be fine here, don’t worry.”
“It’s not that.” Her short blond hair swayed as she shook her head. “I know you enjoy your alone time and can take care of yourself here. It’s what you’re avoiding by staying here that worries me.”
“Avoiding what?”
“Going home.”
I returned to packing the clothes away. “You know I don’t consider that home,” I shook my head. Two months since I sent that postcard and still no response from my aunt.
“I meant your parents.”
It was as if she stabbed the portion of my heart that had been decaying for the past nine years. A sharp knife against a ragged, wrinkled heart that didn’t know how to pump blood anymore.
I stared at her in disbelief. “You can’t be serious.”
She continued, “What if you let them back in your life? They could’ve changed. They’re your parents . They love you.”
“People don’t change, Sabrina. You have an incredible family, but mine will never be that way. They don’t care. One of them left to have new kids while the other gave up because she enjoyed sleeping and drinking more than she did parenting. I refuse to believe they acted that way because of love. Love just gives the people close to you an excuse to inflict pain without consequences. I’m trying to forget about them but forgiving them won’t do that.”
“You’re letting them control your life, Addy.”
That was rich coming from her. “ How? They have no idea what’s even going on in my life.”
“Because you’ve completely shut yourself out from any chance of attachment and now you won’t even admit when you’re in love!”
My mouth fell open, and the cinnamon smell suddenly made my stomach turn.
“I know you’re in love with James and I can see you trying to pull away from it and don’t try to tell me you’re not because I know. I’ve seen the way you tense up at these events that he’s at and how weird you act the days following. Or how you go out when Mia and I have plans because the next morning on the way to my 8 a.m., Maureen likes to mention the pretty boy who walked you home”— holy shit —“I also don’t think you’ve been sleeping well because of it since you’re drinking coffee all of a sudden and you hate coffee. You’re letting your preconceived notions of love and relationships affect this when you could be taking a chance.”
I shake my head incessantly. “No, oh my god, no.”
“There’s no point in lying because I do the same thing with Dorian. I get it. It’s hard to sleep sometimes when we see him from afar at these events. Then I don’t stop thinking about him for days.”
What do I say? What do I say? What do I say?
“Sabrina, I’m going to say this as clearly as possible: I am not in love with James, and I’m not interested in James. He is my friend and nothing more.”
Her shoulders softened as if I was in denial. “I saw the way he looked at you on Halloween. He couldn’t take his eyes off you.”
Probably because I was avoiding his best friend the whole night.
I fell backward into the pile of blankets, giving up.
Her hand patted my knee. “Don’t let your past ruin your future.”