24. Twenty-Four
TWENTY-FOUR
I was in a relationship. We just weren’t calling it a relationship.
Two months into our “friends with benefit” arrangement, and I’d never been happier.
It was hard for me to explain how Tallulah made me feel.
Was lighter a thing? Because I felt lighter.
The weight that I’d been carrying around for …
well, forever, frankly, was gone. The highlight of my day was seeing her, and since we were spending our early afternoons working in the studio, our evenings working together in the lounge, and our late nights working together on “other projects,” I was seeing her constantly.
I had zero complaints. That was strange for me too. I could always find something to complain about. I was good at it, according to my mother. She didn’t mean it as a compliment. She said I’d inherited it from my father. Funnily enough, he wouldn’t take credit for it.
As for my father, I’d seen him twice in the past month but only because my mother had insisted I come to the house and have tea with her.
Not stuffy British tea but her boho teas that were supposed to make it so my aura could breathe—or whatever it was that she thought they did. I couldn’t keep track.
Because my father was who he was, he was cold when it came to our interactions. That wouldn’t change as long as I was working at Stone. I understood that. What he didn’t seem to understand was that he couldn’t bully me into quitting.
Things were going well for me. It wasn’t just because of Tallulah, although she was a big part of it.
The high rollers lounge had a much better pace than the floor.
The longer space between games gave me time to plan what I wanted to accomplish in the studio the next day.
That thinking time was the greatest gift in the world.
So I wouldn’t be leaving Stone anytime soon.
The money I was making had my mind spinning.
The studio was great. I loved it. That was just for Tallulah and me, though.
I did want to open a bigger studio for other artists.
I wouldn’t charge them so much that they went broke, but if I made enough money, in a few years I would be able to open my gallery. Then all bets were off.
I hadn’t told Tallulah about my gallery dreams. Not yet, at least. We talked about everything—and I do mean everything—and our conversations varied from serious to silly.
She told me about her theory regarding aliens and Roswell.
I told her how I watched Dateline episodes when I was feeling anxious because they reminded me things could always be worse.
The gallery had yet to come up. I knew I needed to talk to her about it because I was getting to the point where I wanted her to be part of it.
We weren’t there yet. Soon, but not yet.
The thing was, we didn’t talk about what we should be talking about.
She had to realize that our relationship had morphed and changed.
Looking back, I had trouble understanding how we’d ever thought that our initial plan was going to fly.
Back then, we’d both obviously wanted more.
We had simply been too afraid to hope for more.
Tallulah didn’t act as if she realized our relationship had changed. That was my true problem. She kept calling me her “friend” with a sly smile, as if we were in on a big secret together. I laughed and winked in response each time, but I was starting to hate the word. Friend. It was a stupid word.
That wasn’t our only problem. If we did acknowledge a real relationship, we would put ourselves in a precarious position at work.
Kyla, although staid of late, was looking for any reason she could find to fire Tallulah.
It was obvious whenever they were in a room together.
Tallulah felt it and acknowledged it, but she couldn’t do anything about it, so she refused to dwell on it.
That was healthy. It was also naive. Kyla was nowhere near done with Tallulah.
That was why I’d jumped at the chance when Rex had stopped by the lounge earlier in the day to invite me for a drink with him and Zach.
I was working an odd afternoon shift, but Tallulah was still on a night shift, so I wouldn’t see her until much later.
Admitting what was going on to the big boss might be dangerous, but it felt like my only option.
Zach was a good enough guy I knew he wouldn’t hold it against me, and I did want his advice on the subject.
I took the time to pass by the high rollers lounge on my way to meet Rex and Zach, simply to catch a glimpse of Tallulah. She was in the television pit talking to several old timers—they were clearly betting on horses—and when she threw back her head and laughed, my heart panged with longing.
Our relationship might have started out as a game, but I wanted it to be real. I yearned for the chance to actually date her out in the open. I believed—with my whole heart, really—that we could be happy forever, if given the chance.
When had I made that shift? I’d been convinced I hated her months ago.
Had that ever been true? It didn’t feel true.
The emotions roiling through me now suggested I’d been fooling myself back then because there was no way I was fooling myself now.
The comfort we found in each other couldn’t be manufactured. It was real and all-consuming.
And that’s why you’re about to open a vein with Rex and Zach, my inner voice said. You’re going to figure out a way to get everything—absolutely every single thing—you ever wanted.
I exhaled heavily, not realizing that I was feeling wistful until the breath escaped, and then turned away from the lounge. To my surprise, I found Kyla beside a hostess stand, watching me.
“Hey,” I said awkwardly, my heart skipping a beat in a nonromantic way. “I thought I forgot my wallet in the lounge, but I just realized it’s in my pocket.” I retrieved my wallet and lamely held it up. She wasn’t going to buy this.
“Okay,” she said in her blandest voice.
Some of the pressure that had taken hold in my chest, which just so happened to coincide with her appearance, lessened. “I’m heading out to Coach’s Place.” Why I felt the need to volunteer that information was beyond me.
She offered a haphazard wave. “Have fun.”
I considered telling her I was meeting Zach and Rex but didn’t. That might come across as a threat. Kyla’s attitude with me was never great but wasn’t downright hostile and aggressive, like it was with Tallulah. My goal was to keep the status quo going.
“Thanks.” I fought every urge to look over my shoulder so I could catch one final glimpse of Tallulah. That would be a mistake. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Whatever.” She wasn’t even looking at me.
Let it go, moron, I admonished myself. If you keep talking, she is going to focus her attention on you. That won’t be good. Not for anybody.
With that, even though my tongue wanted to offer up one more unnecessary sentence, I turned my back to her and headed toward Coach’s Place. She’s not acting weird, I reiterated to myself. You are.
Still, right there on the surface and not buried deep, I wasn’t so certain. Kyla wasn’t to be trusted. I’d seen that firsthand myself. I had to be careful. Very, very careful.
I DIDN’T WAIT LONG UPON JOINING Zach and Rex to unburden my heart.
“I think I’m falling in love with Tallulah,” I blurted out before taking a huge swig of the beer they’d ordered.
It was an expensive microbrew that I wouldn’t have normally ordered for myself.
Zach wanted honest opinions on the beer selections, however, so we were expected to sample multiple flavors and give him our reviews.
Rather than respond with exclamations or pearl clutching—metaphorically, of course—Zach leaned back in his chair and sent Rex a smug look. “I told you so!” He enthusiastically jabbed his finger in his best friend’s direction.
For his part, Rex was sulky. “Oh, man,” he lamented, leaning his head back and pinching his nose. “Couldn’t you have buried your feelings for at least another month? I owe him fifty bucks.”
I was flummoxed. “Why aren’t you surprised?”
Zach sipped his beer and wrinkled his nose. “Do you guys actually like the pear-infused one, or is it too sweet?”
I ignored the question. “I’m being serious. We’ve been very careful.”
“Oh, you’re so cute sometimes I just want to dress you in a onesie and stick a pacifier in your mouth.” Rex poked my cheek—it was one of his annoying little habits—and grinned like a loon. “Everybody knows about the two of you.”
That couldn’t be right. “But … we’ve kept it secret.
” Something occurred to me. “Wait. Tallulah said she hadn’t told Olivia and was feeling guilty about it.
Did she break and tell Olivia?” I didn’t know how to feel about that.
On one hand, I didn’t want to encourage Tallulah to lie to her best friend.
On the other, her lying to me wasn’t high on my happy list either.
“She didn’t tell Livvie,” Zach assured me. The way he smiled suggested that he found this whole thing amusing to the n th degree. “Trust me. Livvie has been stewing about it. If Tallulah had finally owned up to what was going on, I would know about it.”
I frowned as I ran what he’d said through my head. “Are you saying Livvie knows too?”
“Of course she knows. Are you kidding me right now?”
How could he be frustrated with me? “We didn’t tell anybody.”
“Oh, good grief.” Rex made a snorting noise. “You might not have said it with your mouth, but you said it with your eyes.”
“I’m not following you.”
“You and Tallulah can’t keep your eyes off each other,” Rex replied. “You might think you’re being sly, but you’re acting like high schoolers getting laid for the first time. The smiles are sloppy.”