Chapter 15
KIARA
I leaned my back on his warm chest after he rinsed the shampoo from my hair. His firm hands massaged the sore spots on my body, asking me if it hurt me anywhere else. I couldn’t believe that half an hour ago he was dominating me, wielding my body to his commands.
“What are you thinking?” His warm breath brushed my ear.
“How gentle you are being right now despite what we did moments ago.”
Ethan stood up from the bathtub, rivulets of water droplets coating his muscular body as he helped me up.
While patting my body dry with a towel, he explained, “I can be gentle and rough depending on the scene, Kiara. I know you wanted to look at me during sex, but it is a dominant’s duty to give what the submissive needs, not necessarily what she wants. ”
“I don’t understand.”
A mischievous glint formed in his eyes and I let out a gasp when he pushed my back on the cold wall, his one hand wrapping around my throat and other lowering to my heated sex. I held his arms when his fingers teased my nether lips which were wet with my arousal.
“You want me to take you here, don’t you?” He whispered, his fingers teasing and playing with my swollen clitoris.
“Yes, Ethan, please,” I moaned, my legs trembling.
But he pulled away, a small smile curling on his lips. “But I won’t because you are sore and tired, still conflicted about how you feel. Okay?”
I understood what he meant. I needed to talk to him as well.
“Okay, Big Daddy.” I pressed my lips against his and felt him smiling against my own as we made our way back to his room.
“Ethan?” I said when he finished drying my hair.
He had applied chamomile lotion on my ass and my body where he had flogged me.
After making sure, I wasn’t hurt anywhere else despite me telling him, he tugged one of his t-shirts over me as it was more comfortable.
“I wanted to apologize for what I said last night.”
He peered down at me, “Regarding what?”
I made him sit on the edge of the bed and gently patted down his wet hair with a dry towel. “I know I hurt you when I said that all I wanted is a baby.”
“Kiara, you don’t have to—”
“No, I have to apologize, Ethan. That was mean and a terrible thing to say.” I took a sharp breath, “Especially if it was a lie.”
His hands wrapped around mine when I glanced at his face, his sharp features prominent. “What do you mean by lie, Kiara?”
I focused on the way his thumb brushed on my wrist, soothing me. “I want the baby but not at the cost of losing whatever we have between us. I like you, Ethan. But I am afraid too.”
“Look at me,” his warm hand cupped my cheek, his blue-green eyes softening. “Now tell me, what are you afraid of?”
“Of what would happen afterward. I know I sound crazy right now, but I am scared to know what would happen—I mean, if we have a baby then what?” My mind was whirring with thoughts, and I knew my therapist would say I am interpreting, and I should rather focus on facts, but I couldn’t.
Ethan smiled at me, pulling me closer, “Then we will take it one step at a time, okay? And if you are scared or have any doubts, come to me and we will talk about it. How does that sound, Bella?”
I frowned at him, “You are serious?”
He nodded, his lips pressing against my forehead. “I am one hundred percent serious. I talked to your therapist if that’s okay.”
“You what?” I pulled back, looking at his sheepish face, “But why?”
He took a deep breath. “I wanted to know how you were doing and how could I help you if you needed someone.” My heartbeat increased and warm tingles erupted in my belly at the thoughtfulness of the man in front of me. He continued, “She also told me about facts and interpretation.”
She must have. It was one of the things that differentiated from a normal human brain to the mental health of someone suffering from depression or anxiety.
Like me. Because of her, I had taught myself to listen to what my brain was saying and decided if they were facts or interpretations.
If someone told me they liked me, it was a fact I could believe, but oftentimes when I assumed that someone liked or hated me was an interpretation.
Dr. Sabrina had advised me to ask for the facts rather than interpreting.
I bit my lip, “So you know I was interpreting?”
Ethan nodded, “I know I don’t fully understand what you’re going through mentally, but I want you to know that I am not leaving. If you are scared, come to me. We will take it one step at a time, okay Bella?”
I hugged him, hiding my face on the crook of his neck as his powerful arms wrapped around me, cocooning me in his warm embrace. “Thank you, Ethan,” I said, my voice muffled. I felt like I was eighteen again, feeling everything and nothing. But this time, Ethan was supporting me by my side.
We cuddled on the bed as I listened to his velvety voice talking about how Volt, Rio and Liam were doing.
How some of them secretly shipped us. I told him about my day and how guilty I felt for telling him I was using him just for a baby.
We kissed and made up until he asked me about the tears that had appeared after we had sex tonight.
“I don’t know, I feel bad,” I whispered, watching his fingers trail on my bare stomach.
“Why do you feel bad?”
“Am I a freak to like all of that? I don’t know what to feel about it, Ethan. All of that felt like a hazy dream and I don’t even know what happened to me.”
He listened to me and asked, “Did it feel like you were drunk?”
My eyes widened, “A little. But I wasn’t drunk.”
Ethan chuckled, “No, Bella, you were not drunk.”
“Then why do I feel like it was a dream?”
“That’s because you were in a subspace, Kiara,” he explained with a proud smile. “I wasn’t sure if you would go to subspace in the first scene, but you did. Your body and mind were very responsive.”
I blinked at him, “I don’t understand.”
“When you experience pain and pleasure together your body can get all kinds of crossed-wires in the brain, dump a bunch of happy chemicals into your brain like endorphins and enkephalins. All those hormones produce a sort of trance-like state and you and your brain converted all the pain to those hormones, and you felt like you were drunk or as if you were high,” he calmly explained.
“I stopped flogging you as you were in subspace and you could have never used your safe words because you were off to la-la-land. And as soon as it was over, you were exhausted.”
I nodded, blushing. “I still am.”
Ethan smirked. “But I needed to make sure you were alright, so I had to bathe you and take care of you.”
I squeezed his hand and snuggled up beside him when I asked, “Then why did I feel like crying for no reason?"
He ran a hand through my hair as I sighed in relief, relishing in the feeling, “Because you got off that high from subspace. It’s called a drop and I have to make sure you were okay, Bella.”
“I am more than okay, E.”
“I don’t want to make you cry,” Ethan paused, and I held my breath, “I hate seeing you cry. Especially if I am the reason you’re crying.”
My hand lingered on his heartbeat as his muscles tensed. I whispered, “You didn’t make me cry, Ethan. You said it yourself. It was the hormones over-working in my brain.”
With my cheek pressed against his chest and his hand running through my hair, I couldn’t stop that nagging question which has been echoing in my mind for so long. So, I had to ask him.
Gulping nervously, I lifted on my elbow. “Why don’t you hate me?” I asked, my voice a small whisper.
He clenched his jaw, his eyes dancing over my face when he replied truthfully.
“I did, Kiara. For so long, that every time I heard your name, I felt like punching a wall.” I pursed my lips when he added with a small smile lingering on his lips, his hand cupping my cheek, “But after a while, I was fine with you leaving me because I wouldn’t be here if you had left me.
I would still look for you to validate and support my every decision, and I would never learn to be on my own.
Yes, I missed you very much, but as I had said before, I can go through that all over again if it means having .
. . this. Being with you and holding you in my arms.”
Ethan wiped the small tear that left my right eye.
I chuckled and leaned closer, I kissed him to let him know that I missed him for all these years as much as he had.
“God, you make me horny when you go all cheesy and corny on me,” I whispered, removing the blanket from our bodies and straddling him.
Holding the hem of his t-shirt I was wearing, I removed it, baring myself in front of him.
His eyes lit up as he gazed at my naked body still basking in post-coital glow with small marks imprinted on them. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? Aren’t you sore?” he asked teasingly, his hands caressing the skin on my waist when I moved my hair over my shoulder.
Biting my lower lip, I shook my head as I slowly humped him, waking him up and giggled when I felt him poke my ass.
Ethan narrowed his eyes at me. I gasped when he rolled us over, his warm muscular body hovering above mine.
I loved how big and strong he was compared to me and still cared for me as if I was a fragile doll.
I cupped his face, kissing him on the lips and spread my legs.
“Make love to me, Ethan,” I whispered in his ear when his hands rested beside my head.
His lips brushed against my ear. I admired his handsome, rugged face when he whispered, “I will make love to you all night, Bella. Every fucking day of my life.”
A long moan escaped my parted lips when Ethan slowly slid inside me, his eyes never leaving my face as we made love, holding onto each other’s bodies and groaning each other’s name until we forgot our own.
I was sure Ethan Kane was ruining me for good the next morning.