Chapter 26
KIARA
I sat up on the bed, my lower belly aching with unbearable cramps. Tears welled in my eyes when I saw the mattress and my sweatpants were covered in my blood. Ethan was kneeling beside me on the edge of the bed trying to say that little bleeding was normal. But I knew it was not normal.
Something was wrong.
“It’s alright, sweetheart. Shh, don’t cry, I will talk to the doctor.”
He wiped the silent tears from my face and helped me stand up. He gave me some space in the washroom while he changed the sheets and asked me to call for him if it hurt too much.
We were silent on our drive to the hospital. I was clutching his hand tightly with both hands while he silently drove the car. We both didn’t know what to say, especially after we had just decided on names.
It’s my fault.
No, no, no, don’t think like that, Kiara. The baby is fine.
I can’t lose another child.
“It will be alright, Bella,” Ethan whispered, squeezing my hand while I sat patiently on the bed. The nurse and doctor had checked up on me and we were waiting for the doctor.
I nodded and tried to smile at him, but I couldn’t smile.
I straightened up when the doctor came in, and looking at her face, I knew what she was going to say.
My heart broke into tiny pieces. My throat ached and a soundless sob escaped my mouth.
I shook my head, not wanting to hear what she was going to say.
Wanting to deny the truth. Tears blurred my eyes and pooled down my face.
“We are sorry for your loss,” she said, trying to be polite as she held my shoulder. Ethan squeezed my hand. He looked like he was about to cry when he scooted to the bed and hugged me to his chest.
My sobs pierced through the room, and the doctor left us alone, closing the door behind her. It was hard listening to myself cry while I felt the hospital gown getting wet over my shoulder. Ethan was crying too, but didn’t want to make a sound.
I kept muttering, ‘I am sorry’ through the heaving sobs as I clutched my stomach and squeezed my eyes shut, wanting to stop the pain.
It had been a week since the death of my second unborn child and it was taking a toll on me.
I tried to be the best teacher I could, focusing on my job even though it made me cry every time I was alone.
Ethan had tried asking me to go to therapy, but I didn’t dare to speak up about it.
I kept the facade up that I was alright.
That I was fine. But both Ethan and I knew I wasn’t.
“Morning, Bella,” I heard Ethan’s hoarse voice and tensed up. I served the eggs on a plate for him, keeping it on the island.
“Morning,” I mumbled and moved my head, closing my eyes when he pecked my cheek.
I heard him sigh, and my hands balled in fists when he sat down on the stool, his unmatched eyes searching for mine.
“Where’s your breakfast, Kiara? Come on, we can share,” he nodded at the stool next to his.
I shook my head as I removed the apron, “I already had breakfast.” I said. I had a glass of protein shake.
“You’re lying,” he glared at me, pain flashing in his eyes. “Please come and sit beside me. Let’s talk.”
I ignored him, my feet taking me to my bedroom, ready to hide. He followed me.
“Look at me, Bella.”
I did and noticed the bags underneath his eyes, remnants of pain behind those diamond eyes. I remembered the tears leaking from them after hearing the news.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. “I am going to take a shower.”
“Do you want me to—”
“No, Ethan.”
I didn’t let him reply as I rushed to the washroom and turned on the shower, throwing up in the toilet.
There goes my breakfast. I wiped the tears and flushed the toilet as I finally looked at myself in the mirror, hating what stared back at me.
Sullen, gleamy eyes, pale face, and my cheekbones and jaw looked sharper than ever.
Hollow. I stripped out of my clothes and whimpered, cupping my mouth when I saw my pale skin.
Tears brimmed my eyes when I saw how thin my body looked.
This is what I did to myself.
Still silently crying, I turned on the warm water to shower, swallowing the sobs and whimpers that threatened to escape.
“Kiara? Can I please come in?” I heard Ethan’s voice, laced with worry.
Of course, he would be worried, Kiara. What did you think? You haven’t allowed him to touch you or even hold you whenever you were together, ignoring his kisses and sleeping in separate beds at night.
“No,” I said firmly, but my voice was weak. Just like my body, which can’t bear any child.
He sounded angry. “Yes, I am coming in.”
I turned off the shower and wrapped the towel around me even though I knew he was watching me.
“Kiara,” he said, his voice strained. He stood in front of the door when I tried to get out. “Talk to me, Bella. We haven’t talked about the miscarriage—”
I glared at him. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But it happened, Kiara. You can’t ignore it and it’s hurting you. Please talk to me. Or anyone.”
“I don’t want to, Ethan. Please move.”
“Let me see you.”
He was begging.
I looked away and shook my head.
He stepped closer, “Why not?”
My fists tightened over the towel as I didn’t reply. I stilled when his warm hand landed on top of mine, “Please? I won’t . . . I won’t touch you, Bella, if that’s what you want, but please let me see you.”
I didn’t reply and squeezed my eyes shut when he gently pried the towel away from me. I turned around, hiding my face with my wet hair. I shrugged away from his hand when he tried to touch me, a tear escaping my eyes.
“I don’t want you to see me, Ethan. Or touch me, because I am ugly.” My voice broke when I said that. “I can’t even take care of my body or my . . . our children, Ethan. I can’t even look at myself as a woman—”
“Stop,” he hissed. He turned me around and grabbed my face. “Stop saying that. You are beautiful to me and you are my woman. I don’t want to hear you say that.” His thumbs wiped the tears as his eyes trailed down my body, still fueled with lust and adoration as if I had something worth looking at.
“Please stop looking at me, Ethan.”
“No, I want to show you how beautiful you are.”
He gently pressed his lips to mine, his large hands caressing my body sweetly.
We kissed. He took me to bed, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
Kissing my body, worshiping it with his hands and mouth.
But I was too shaken up, and I cried and pushed him away.
If I couldn’t love myself, then how could I ask him for it?
“Let me touch you, Bella. We won’t have sex.” He gently pried away my hands, his body covering mine, and pulled me to him. He kissed my hair and covered us both with blankets. I relaxed under his warm hold, my mind running through all the times we had spent together.
I slept in his arms when he whispered sweet things to me, promising me it would be alright and that we can try again. I didn’t reply.
When I woke up after a few hours, it was well past noon and Ethan was nowhere in sight.
He had left me a note saying that he would be back before dinner and I should have the spaghetti he had made for me.
My stomach growled at me as I changed into my sweatpants, and his t-shirt while I made my way into the kitchen.
After devouring my lunch, I asked Dr. Sabrina if she would have a session with me right now. I needed to talk to someone before Ethan came back. Anya and Katherine were busy with their work, and I felt that I would need to tell them personally.
“Kiara?”
“I’m in here!” I said from the guest room where I had been sleeping for the last week. It seemed cold and barren without Ethan’s musky cologne, like in his room.
He appeared in the doorway, smiling at me. “Hey.”
I managed a small smile, happy to see him. I patted beside me, wanting him to sit with me on the bed. “Can we talk?” I asked, my heart pounding in my ears.
Doctor Sabrina’s words rang in my mind, if you are interpreting and have negative thoughts, ask the person for the facts.
Ask him, Kiara.
Ethan nodded, settling beside me, his sandalwood scent wafting in my nose making me scrunch the sheets. “What did you want to talk about, Bella?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing myself to be stronger for us. For him. And for me.
“I wanted to talk about the miscarriage.”