Chapter Fifteen #2
When I finally stepped through the door, my gaze immediately and unerringly found Ricky over by the sink. The smile he gave me was so sweet, so happy to see me, that my insides clenched up so hard it hurt to breathe for a few seconds.
I was pretty sure I’d had a vague thought the other night about already being half in love with him.
Welp, that ship had already fucking sailed.
It was already long gone, not even a speck on the horizon anymore.
Forget being half in love with him, I was just fully in love with him.
There was no doubt about it. I was so gone for him, it wasn’t even funny.
It was kind of pathetic, honestly, how fast and hard and completely I’d fallen for him.
And by the end of the night, he was probably going to hate my guts. So. That was something.
I stiffened and started to tremble just a little when Ricky approached. I couldn’t move, couldn’t meet him halfway. I just stood there, still agonizing over what to do like I had been all night and all day.
When he reached me, his tongue darted out to swipe over his lips, and his eyes met mine, his gaze simmering with longing and relief, like the day had been just as long for him as it had for me.
Just for a different reason, I guessed. Because I was a piece of shit who was lying to him, and he was sweet, and precious, and everything good in the world.
He placed a warm hand on my chest, making my heart thud hard, then leaned in to kiss me.
And I let him, even though it was so wrong of me. I couldn’t stop him. I was helpless when it came to him. Completely defenseless. I wasn’t strong enough to do anything other than desperately soak up whatever he was willing to give me while I still could.
I threaded my fingers through his hair as I kissed him back with a pathetically needy groan, sliding my tongue into his mouth.
Ricky shivered, arms slipping around my back as he pressed himself against me.
My dick started perking up immediately, already conditioned to respond to his scent and taste and warmth.
I knew I had to stop fucking kissing him until I figured out what to do, but it was physically impossible. It just was. I didn’t make the rules. Ricky was basically the other half of me, the piece I hadn’t known I’d been missing, and who was capable of saying no to the literal other half of them?
The kiss quickly grew frantic and messy as we both stopped thinking all that much. A welcome respite for me. I’d been thinking all fucking day. Ricky’s fingers were clutching at my back, his tongue thrusting eagerly, his hard dick rubbing against mine through our pants.
He was the one to eventually end the kiss, probably when he remembered where we were. We were both breathing faster, and I struggled to open my eyes and come back to reality.
God, I didn’t want to make this decision.
I hated making hard decisions, and this was the hardest and most agonizing decision I’d ever have to make.
Why did life have to be so goddamn hard?
Why couldn’t I just switch my brain off and go back to drinking beer and sucking Ricky’s dick and kissing him senseless like before I’d started actually considering the moral implications of being with a human?
Maybe it all would’ve been so much easier if it had been a different human. One who wasn’t Ricky. But then I would’ve never wanted them in the first place.
I didn’t want anyone else. He was it for me.
“You okay, El?”
Oh fuck. My chin wobbled for a fraction of a second as heat prickled at the backs of my eyes, which were still shut. Like I was a kid who thought everything disappeared when my eyelids were closed, and therefore I didn’t have to deal with my problems.
Why did he have to give me a cute nickname like that? Why? Why did he have to sound so sweetly concerned, and why did he have to already know me well enough to realize I was acting weird?
When I finally pried my eyes open—only because I knew I had to eventually—Ricky was watching me closely, his cheeks still flushed from our kiss but his eyes a little uneasy. Worried for me.
Yep. This was going to kill me.
“I’m fine,” I heard myself say, my voice sounding strange. “All good. Great. Totally… really great.”
“Are you sure?” He stepped a little closer before I felt the gentle touch of his fingers threading through mine.
My heart spasmed so hard and so painfully that I genuinely thought it was about to stop dead in my chest.
I managed a wobbly smile and a nod. He didn’t look convinced, but I saw the sweet determination to try and make me feel better even if he didn’t know what could be wrong. Of course he had no idea that, through no fault of his own, he was the reason I could barely function right now. Why would he?
He lifted our joined hands to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “I missed you today.”
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This was torture.
“I missed you too,” I said back shakily. Because I had. So much.
He smiled. “Last night was amazing. Like, the best.”
“It was,” I agreed faintly, because it had been.
He squeezed my hand and stepped closer, leaning in to nuzzle my neck and press a soft kiss there. My eyes slammed shut, brows drawing together in agony.
“I like you so, so much, Elliot,” he whispered into my skin. A little secret between us. Something precious and fragile that deserved to be protected and cherished and given room to grow even bigger.
And I was about to throw it on the ground and stomp all over it.
As I swallowed thickly, the back of my throat aching, he lifted his head.
And at the sight of his sweet face, the tiny shred of control I’d been clinging to withered away to nothing.
Just disintegrated in an instant. My heart pounded as I stared at him.
My scalp went numb. So did my hands and feet.
Tingles raced over my skin; unpleasant ones that felt like insects crawling all over me.
A physical manifestation of the guilt and the selfishness and the burning, endless need for the sweet human standing in front of me.
Fuck being noble.
“I like you so much too, Ricky. So, so much,” I croaked, reaching up to cup his cheek, unable to stop myself but loathing myself for it at the same time. “Do you want to come back to my place?”