Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
I t wasn’t a story she told often, nor was it one she was proud of, but it was part of who she was and she knew she had to own it. She was terrified Nisha might judge her for it, but she went ahead anyway.
The two of them went back too far for her to pretend.
“We met not long after Dad died. Kiera lived near me – still does. She works at the hospital. Anyway, she was this wonderful, sensible, kind person who came into my life at absolutely the perfect time. I’m not sure how I would have coped in the years that followed his death without her.”
Nisha nodded, saying nothing. Chrissie continued. “It was wonderful, it really was. We worked so well together. But life was hard. I struggled to find meaning in anything. Things started to change for the better for me when I discovered Infinite Bliss.”
“Infinite Bliss? Is that new age hippy stuff?” asked Nisha.
“Yes,” said Chrissie, exhaling before she went on. “Well, that’s how they described themselves. I would go to these wonderful workshops where I’d get in touch with my inner soul, where the world would be explained to me, and meaning derived from everything from plants to food to movement. Kiera hated it. She thought they were charlatans.” She paused on that. Ultimately, Kiera had been right. “She dismissed them out of hand. And it only pushed me further in, if I’m honest. I found myself doing something with the community almost every night. And we’d go on these amazing residentials over long weekends. It was like I’d come home. The leader, Lucian, he could explain everything – why the world was the way it was, how we could make it better, how we could reach enlightenment.”
“Sounds sketchy,” said Nisha.
Chrissie frowned. “In retrospect, yes. But at the time it felt like suddenly everything made sense. The more I got involved, the better my life got, or so I thought. But also, the further I got from my wife. She turned from the kind, thoughtful person I’d married into someone who was always suspicious of the people I spent time with, and increasingly angry and agitated with me. I mean, I sort of get that now. I think she was trying to protect me – to protect herself too. But at the time, it just drove an even greater wedge between us.”
“Confirmation bias,” said Nisha, absently.
“What?”
“Confirmation bias – basically, you wanted to believe what this bloke was telling you, and so you did. Kiera disagreed, but rather than bringing you round to her viewpoint, you ended up moving further away,” said Nisha.
“I guess so,” agreed Chrissie. “But it really wasn’t her fault. I had a lot of therapy after I came out of Infinite Bliss, and I now realise that so much of what happened was my doing and my responsibility.”
Chrissie continued to relate the slow deterioration of her marriage, the way Lucian had encouraged members only to have relationships with those in the group – those who had reached the same plane of enlightenment. The way he’d encouraged polyamory. By this point, Chrissie was utterly under his spell.
“How old was he?” asked Nisha at one point.
“Er, in his mid to late sixties, I think,” said Chrissie, picturing the charismatic man with white hair.
“Same age as your dad would have been,” said Nisha. Chrissie gave a rueful smile. This was something she had explored with her counsellor. Lucian had become a paternal figure to many of them, but with the recent death of her own father, it was all the more potent for Chrissie.
“Yes. And I craved his approval. I can’t explain to you the power he had over me. Over all of us. There was a small group of us, and it was like we were the chosen ones. He’d talk about how far we’d transcended western materialism, and that others in the group should look to us for inspiration. It was a heady mix of approval and worship.”
Nisha nodded. “Wow.” They sat quietly without speaking for a moment. “So, you left your wife?”
“I guess it would be more accurate to say she left me, but I am not sure I left her much choice. I was already seeing Athena by then, and had fully embraced the idea that polyamory was the way forward,” said Chrissie. “And Lucian was encouraging us all to break our ‘worldly bonds’ as he called them.” She used her fingers to signify speech marks. “Essentially, I dumped her, but tried to suggest it was her fault. She left and had to find somewhere else to live.”
Chrissie felt a tear drop down her face. Saying the words out loud to Nisha brought it all back. And she couldn’t help but wonder if Nisha would judge her for it, think less of her, not want to have anything to do with her.
She wouldn’t be the only one.
Nisha stood up. Chrissie looked down. Of course, Nisha would leave now. It was really only to be expected. She still felt shame for all she had done, and she couldn’t undo anything. But it was hard to experience another person choosing to break off contact with her. Although how they would manage that at work, Chrissie didn’t know. She hoped she wouldn’t have to resign.
To her surprise, she felt movement beside her and looked up. Nisha had moved round the table so she was sitting next to Chrissie. “It’s ok,” she whispered as she put an arm around Chrissie’s shoulders.
Chrissie shuddered at the contact, shocked and relieved. “It’s not ok. It was never ok. But I have acknowledged that. I have said sorry to Kiera and made all the amends I can – including repaying her money that Lucian persuaded me to give Infinite Bliss.” She covered her face, not wanting to see Nisha’s inevitable disappointment with her. “I know, it’s appalling. I stole money that was ours. Honestly, I’m a truly despicable person.”
“You’re not, Chris,” said Nisha.
No one had called Chrissie that since Nisha herself, back at school.
“Yeah,” she continued. “You’ve done some seriously questionable things, but it sounds like you’ve done all you can to learn from the experience and put things right. And, you know, I wonder if you were a victim yourself? It sounds like this bloke was a proper wrong-un. You were grieving.” Nisha squeezed Chrissie’s shoulder and took a few big mouthfuls of beer.
“I was. But I feel like I have to own what I did, whatever the reasons were. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it ok. That’s why I have three rules I live by,” said Chrissie, pulling herself back together.
“Three rules,” said Nisha. “Ok, let’s hear them. I’ve not done such a great job with my life, so maybe I should adopt them too.”
Chrissie laughed. “This is my own personal journey. If you want rules, you have to make your own.”
Nisha smiled before she spoke: “I see you haven’t fully abandoned the hippy life.”
“I will always be me,” she said, quietly. “Ok, you ready?” Nisha nodded. “Rule one: don’t fall in love. Rule two: question everything. A lot of the trouble I got into before was because I didn’t question the information I was being given. I was being lied to every day and I can never let that happen again. And rule three: give back. That’s how I ended up working at the school, why I volunteer at the community centre and all that stuff. I want to make amends.”
“Ok,” said Nisha. “I get rules two and three. Arguably, I think those are rules we can all live by. But why are you saying you can’t fall in love? What the hell is that about?” She was slurring her words slightly.
Chrissie felt annoyance rise inside her. She hadn’t shared this with many people, and Nisha’s disdain hurt. She felt it sharply in her chest. “You’ve had too much to drink,” she said, shortly.
“You’ve had the same amount as me,” Nisha pointed out. “And you’re trying to change the subject. I mean it, what the hell is going on with you? Don’t you think you deserve happiness like everyone else?” Her voice was rising. “Or do you want to be some kind of saint?”
“I’m no saint,” said Chrissie, her voice coming out louder than she had planned. She felt like the walls of the café bar were closing in on her. Her breaths came fast. “You’ve heard how far from sainthood I am.”
“But you seem to want to be one, with this mad vow of celibacy,” said Nisha, gesticulating wildly.
“I don’t think we should talk about this anymore,” Chrissie told her.
“But I want to know what this is about,” said Nisha, her mouth now a straight line.
Chrissie shifted so she wasn’t so close to her colleague. She reached for her jacket. “I’ve already told you. And I don’t understand why you’re so interested,” she added. “It’s not like I’ve heard from you in more than twenty years.”
“Wow, ok, so we’re going there, are we?” Nisha said with a frown.
“Look, I’m going to go.” Before Nisha could say anything more, Chrissie walked briskly out of the bar without looking back, the words they’d just exchanged spinning in her head.