Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
“ S o, you’re saying that this Philippa woman might actually hold the solution to all our problems?” asked Nisha, colour returning to her cheeks now she’d finished her soup.
“Well, perhaps not all,” said Chrissie, “but it certainly sounds like she’s someone worth having a chat with.” She sighed. “She’s a bit extra, always wanting to tell me every detail of her daughter’s needs each morning before school. I do find her quite tiring.”
“Well we’re in no position to be fussy,” said Nisha. “I reckon we make a plan to meet up with her and find out what she can offer us, beyond just coming along on the trip. Law firms have loads of cash, right?”
“Well, more than schools do, yes. I think you’re right,” agreed Chrissie.
“Always,” said Nisha, with a grin. “God, that soup hit the spot. I’m feeling much better.”
“I’m really pleased,” said Chrissie. “It’s not been the same without you at school. I mean, me and Dan have coped, but, you know…” She trailed off, unsure what to say next.
“Do you think we ought to talk?” asked Nisha.
“Um, we are talking,” said Chrissie, not wanting to look directly at Nisha, who was sitting next to her.
“Don’t be obtuse,” said Nisha. “You know what I mean.” Chrissie pressed her lips together. Nisha continued. “You kissed me.”
Chrissie’s eyes closed and she breathed in. “Yes, I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. It was a weird moment in a weird day,” she said, her words tumbling out one after another. “I didn’t ask your consent and it wasn’t ok and I really don’t know what came over me.” She was about to say more, but Nisha held up her hand.
“Hang on a minute, Chris, you kissed me, yes. And I’m not going to lie, I was surprised. But I kissed you back,” said Nisha, her face turning slightly towards the woman by her side. “I was involved, too.”
Chrissie felt a mixture of relief and excitement, but then confusion. She needed to get all her words out now, before Nisha said anything more. “Ok, yes, you were there too,” she agreed. “But it wasn’t the right thing. I’m in a really vulnerable place right now. I don’t know who I can trust, and I’m still only rebuilding my life.”
Nisha stayed quiet this time, and let Chrissie talk.
“I have made terrible mistakes and I have hurt people, people who didn’t deserve it. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was wrong of me. It was about what happened back after our exams that summer, not about now.”
“So you’re saying it was a mistake?” said Nisha, her brow furrowed.
“I’m saying I can’t trust my instincts, and I’m not in a place to be in a relationship.”
“Ah yes, the rules,” said Nisha, giving a grimace.
“I know you think they’re stupid, but after everything that happened, I have to have some framework to live by,” Chrissie replied. She placed her hands on her knees, smoothing her trousers.
“I don’t think they’re stupid,” said Nisha in a soft voice, “and I am really sorry I got so cross that day at the Vine. I shouldn’t have. But I’ll be real with you, I don’t understand them. I sort of wonder if you’re swapping one set of rules – those set by that awful cult bloke – for another, even if they are self-imposed.”
“Nisha,” started Chrissie, but a hand gently rested on hers.
“No, I know, this isn’t my business. I get it,” said Nisha. “But aside from that, tell me how you feel.”
“What do you mean?” asked Chrissie, enjoying the feel of Nisha’s fingers against her own.
“I mean, forgetting rules and ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’, do you really think that kiss was just a remnant of the past?”
“Don’t you?” asked Chrissie, turning to look at Nisha properly now. Nisha squeezed Chrissie’s hand.
“Honestly, I don’t know. That was all such a long time ago. We were young and it was new and exciting. We’re so much older now. Perhaps, even wiser.”
Chrissie chuckled. “I’m not sure I am anyone’s idea of a paragon of wisdom.” She took a long breath out before asking the next question. The one she’d been waiting twenty years to ask. “But I still don’t really know what happened, Nisha. Please, could you tell me what happened?” She looked directly into her old friend’s eyes, hoping to see some explanation there.
Silence. Nisha shrugged, removed her hand and looked away. “I was a kid. I was stupid. It happens.”
“It happens?” questioned Chrissie, feeling annoyance grow inside her for the first time.
“You don’t have the monopoly on mistakes,” said Nisha, who was fiddling with the TV remote control.
“But don’t I get any form of explanation?” said Chrissie. “After all these years?”
“Who says there’s an explanation to give?” Nisha shot back. Was it Chrissie’s imagination or was she giving off the air of a grumpy teenager?
Chrissie thought back to what had followed the night of the rain storm.
Neither of them spoke about the kiss, or the way they felt. The next day was a quiet one, but there was a glow, a sense of comfort around them both. They moved together with ease, soaking up the sunshine, reading their respective books.
But as night came there was a crackle between them; an unspoken tension. They moved wordlessly into the tent as darkness fell, and drew together, side by side under the thin blankets. They kissed for hours, hands straying, clothing slowly abandoned. Whispers and moans and giggles escaped their mouths as they explored this new dimension to their relationship.
“I didn’t know I could feel this way,” said Chrissie, breathless, her head on Nisha’s chest.
“Me neither,” said Nisha in a whisper, her hands stroking Chrissie’s dark blonde hair.
“I love you,” said Chrissie, speaking the words as she thought them. She felt Nisha’s heart rate quicken beneath her ear.
“I love you too,” came Nisha’s voice.
“We should always be this way,” said Chrissie, as she fell asleep.
Back in Nisha’s living room, Chrissie felt her eyes fill with tears, which irritated her even further. This was what she’d been trying to avoid. “But that night, after everything that happened that night,” she said, sniffing back a sob, “you left. You waited until I was asleep, and you just left.”
Nisha brought a hand to her face and rubbed her eyes. “It’s what I do,” she said. “I run.”