Chapter 50
Chapter Fifty
C hrissie’s phone buzzed by the side of her bed. It was ten on a Sunday morning. Normally she would have gone to yoga, but after yesterday’s revelation from Nisha, she’d prioritised sleep in the hope things would feel better today.
She opened her eyes. Things did not feel better. The conversation the previous day had jarred with everything she had begun to assume about their relationship. Nisha was contemplating moving back to London for a year. It was a professional opportunity that might be too good to miss. Chrissie’s eyes roamed the artexed ceiling above her. Nisha had suggested she could go with her. It didn’t feel right, somehow, following her girlfriend back to her old life.
Chrissie didn’t think Nisha was getting back together with Jake, but the thought of her returning to that school felt wrong. And Chrissie had a life here in Birmingham, one she had fought hard to build. And it wasn’t just that. She was so close to taking her own steps towards becoming a qualified teacher.
“You could do that in London, at my school,” said Nisha, grabbing Chrissie’s hand across the table in the café when she had raised the point.
“And leave everything I’ve created for myself here?” said Chrissie. “I don’t know whether I can. And you don’t even know if there will be a training position at the school in London.”
“I’d be head, though,” said Nisha, her eyes shining. “I could make it happen.”
“No,” said Chrissie, firmly. “Absolutely not. I am not being given a free pass because my girlfriend’s the head teacher. I won’t do that.” She pressed her mouth together in a straight line.
“Yes, sorry,” agreed Nisha, immediately apologetic. “I knew that sounded wrong the moment it came out of my mouth. No, of course I wouldn’t do that.” She sighed. “But there could be an opportunity at another school nearby.”
“But the thing is,” said Chrissie, “I need to own my own space here, and I need to do the right things for me. If I chase you to London for this opportunity, where would you go next? Back to Birmingham after that year? What if they gave you the job permanently? I can’t hang onto your coat tails.” Her stomach churned as she said words she knew might change their relationship irretrievably, but at the same time, she knew it was true: she had to hang onto herself and what she needed.
“I get it,” said Nisha. “But can’t you see this is a massive opportunity for me?”
“I absolutely can,” said Chrissie. “But at the same time, I can also see how it impacts on us in ways I’m not totally sure about.” She balled her fists in her lap. “If you want to take the job, you should totally do it,” she continued. “I couldn’t forgive myself for holding you back. But I’m not sure I can follow you there.”
Nisha’s eyes widened in fear. “But what do you mean? That this would be all over? That this would be a distance relationship?”
“Nisha,” said Chrissie, “I don’t know what I mean. I’m just telling you how I feel as I sit here right now in front of you. I don’t want to end this, absolutely not. I love you. But I also know I need to make sure I don’t destroy the fragile life I’ve built for myself here in Kings Heath.”
“Of course,” Nisha replied, quietly. Her eyes were beginning to look red, and Chrissie worried she might cry, something Nisha very rarely did. “You’re right, of course you are. You need to focus on what you need. I’m sorry, I’ve sort of landed this on you with no warning. I feel a bit taken aback by it myself. But know this,” she said, laying her hand on Chrissie’s, “I love you too. I am sure we can work this out.”
Chrissie smiled at her, but the smile didn’t touch her eyes. She wasn’t convinced they would be able to work it out.
“I feel like the world is getting in our way, now,” said Chrissie. And as she rolled out of bed the next morning, she picked up her phone and yawned. The day felt drained of colour.
She made herself a peach iced tea to try and inject some vibrancy into the morning. She thought back to Nisha’s suggestion that they could try and have a distance relationship – take it in turns to travel to see each other every weekend. It was a possibility, she supposed. But it wasn’t one that filled Chrissie with hope, even though it would only be for a year. In truth, she knew how good Nisha was at her job, and felt sure the twelve-month contract would be extended. And who was Chrissie to hold her back and tell her she needed to come back to her in Birmingham?
She opened her phone to find a text message from Nisha, wishing her a good morning with a kissing emoji. Chrissie groaned. They’d gone their separate ways the day before, sleeping in their respective beds for the first time in a few weeks. It felt like a sign. It was time to get the journal out and try to work things through in her own mind before she did anything else.